To be or not to be busy?
Most of us busy people spend a lot of time frantically rushing around on autopilot, unaware of the varied habits that we have that are the real cause of our stress and busyness. As we have seen, these habits come in many forms – we have our:
- busy story that our minds produce and we tell and repeat to ourselves tirelessly and to anyone else that can bear to listen (I have too much to do, there is no way that I can get all this done in time, it is not fair, my life is overwhelming)!
And we have our:
- superhero fantasies that we buy into and live by.
These include our:
- perfectionist pursuits, busy behaviours that are motivated by fear and we use (not so wisely) in an attempt to eradicate all discomfort and bring about everlasting peace and quiet!
We can remain unaware of all that we do that creates our sense of busyness in life. If we want to feel less busy and stressed, then we need to start to wake up to these habitual ways of being. The more we rush around, the more we become increasingly frantic and, as in Sayed’s case that follows, this lack of awareness just leads to more agitation and a growing sense of helplessness and hopelessness.
Sayed
Sayed was at his wits’ end and run ragged when he came for mindfulness sessions. He explained that he wanted the therapy to take away all his problems. Recently retired, he had planned renovation work on his home and the builders were being unreliable, which he felt really aggrieved about and was taking up much of his time to resolve. Further to this, he was often taking care of his grandchildren, which he felt his son was not appreciative of. His wife was still working, so he found he was often doing many of the household chores.
He spent 40 minutes of his first 50-minute session ranting about how busy he was, how unfair the situation was, how he didn’t expect his retirement to be like this, how he was feeling let down, how there just wasn’t enough time in the day, how exhausted he was, how his wife didn’t understand his stress and how they argued a lot of the time as she thought that he was always complaining– and so on and on! When he wasn’t fixated about all this in the session, he was either checking messages on his mobile telephone placed next to him on the couch or answering calls. Here’s how some of the therapy conversation went towards the end of this first session:
Psychologist: Well, Sayed, it seems that our time is now up considering that you wanted to end the session earlier than we had scheduled?
Sayed: What? Is that it then? You haven’t even said anything, I’ve been doing all the talking and I don’t feel any better for it at all.
Psychologist: Yes, and when you think those thoughts, how do you feel right now?
Sayed: Well, even more stressed and like I have wasted my time and still have all this to sort out.
Psychologist: Well this was indeed your time and I can hear that your mind is telling you that you’ve wasted this precious time and still have so much to do. Although I am sure it seems important for you to focus on those thoughts and to talk about how awful everything is for you right now; and that it seems crucial to you to check and answer your telephone as often as you do, I wonder if you weren’t thinking those thoughts and doing all that then you might feel slightly differently right now. I wonder if all that stuff was not in the way, then you may have had a different experience coming here today.
We have already seen that, when we feel blocked on our way and our stress level rises, simply noticing the process of ranting in our mind is a great way to come back to the present moment where there is no stress – just this one breath, just this one moment, just this ranting. If you are stuck in a queue somewhere or waiting for a delayed train and getting stressed and angry, simply notice that reaction. You then have a choice to keep the frustration alive or do something else more productive and worthwhile with that time (sounds like a great opportunity to practise some mindfulness to us). Remember, mindfulness helps to improve our decision making; it allows us to use our time effectively, as we base our life choices and actions on the clarity that comes from awareness and considering what might be most helpful to do right now, rather than allowing habitual reactions (such as ranting) to drive our actions.
Next time you wake up to your mind’s ranting about being held back and delayed, how about getting mindful of your phone, tablet or whatever device you have at hand. We know you would probably have one of these in some form or another handy – what the hell would we do without our trusty gadgets to take us away from our boredom and frustrations? The common reality is that often we become more frustrated once we have pulled them out from our pocket and been bombarded with the endless messages and emails we feel compelled to respond to – immediately! So, how about doing something completely different with your mobile phone?
The purpose of the next exercise is to get acquainted with your mobile phone, like you may never have before, a bit like a young child would curiously admire a present that she has just received for her birthday. It is all about reinforcing the ability that you have within yourself to break habits and act in accordance with how you wish to behave (mindfully), rather than be dictated to by some other fearful or uncomfortable part of yourself (that usually may motivate you to constantly check your messages as soon as your phone is in sight or you are bored and frustrated being delayed somewhere).
The intention of the exercise is to cultivate a non-judging awareness of your experience of your phone, nothing more and nothing less; to pay attention to your mobile phone and to your experience of your touch and sight of it.
Practice 5.1: I haven’t got time for this!
Getting acquainted with your mobile phone 
- First sit, with your mobile phone on a table or other surface in front of you or become aware of it in your pocket.
- Reach out and lift your phone up in your hand, notice its weight and acknowledge how your hand and body is now one phone heavier.
- Next, while you hold your phone in your hand, gently move it around, flipping it over in the palm of your hand, using your fingers, thumb and hand, notice how its weight becomes lighter and heavier on different parts of your fingers and hands.
- There is the weight of the phone and then there is you, noticing its weight.
- Allow its weight to take centre stage in your awareness.
- Now, hold your phone still once again, allow it to rest in the palm of your hand and now run your thumb over its surface in all directions, notice the texture, the smoothness versus the bumps and indentations.
- It is natural for your attention to wander or become distracted, when this happens just gently guide it back to noticing the sensations of your phone in your hand.
- Be aware that you are noticing your phone in this moment.
- There is your phone and then there is you, noticing it and your experiences of it.
- Now gaze upon your phone, exploring it with your eyes and sight, noticing its contours, edges, colours and markings.
- Notice the space around your phone and where this space meets its edges.
- Notice its sleek design with wonder and curiosity.
- As you move your phone around in your hand again, notice where the light is reflected, where it shimmers and fades across its surface.
- Should your attention wander or become distracted, perhaps by thoughts about your phone, what emails, messages you may have received on it, simply acknowledge the distraction and then gently guide your attention back to noticing your experiences of your phone.
- Your experiences of your phone change – but the part of you that notices these experiences does not change, it remains constant – simply aware.
How do you do ‘busy’?
Sayed found it useful to ask himself the following questions, some of which you may also find helpful to think about and answer for yourself. We have added some tips for you to have a go at answering them. Try this exercise now, and have a think about your answers.
Practice 5.2: Mindfulness right now!
How to be a busy bee like me
- What is my busy story (it is not fair, I have so much to do, others are getting in the way, etc.)?
- Does this story have any themes (focusing on past, future, failure, rejection, injustice, judging, criticising self or others)?
- Do I think about how busy I am in any specific context or all contexts of my life (work, home, relationships)?
- What do I do when I am stressed and busy (shout, rush about, check my phone/emails, fidget, etc.)?
- What do others notice about me when I am busy (I am argumentative, snappy, disinterested, disconnected, accusatory, distracted, talking fast, talking over others)?
- How do others respond to me when I am doing busy (comfort me, spend time with me – we guess not)?
- How do I respond to others when they point out my stress and busyness (tell them to shut up, they do not understand, withdraw from them)?
The busy story-telling mind
The busy stories produced by our minds might come in the form of words in a sentence structure or images, pictures and scenarios being played out in our thinking minds. When stressed, you may be thinking about the past, regretfully, about all the things that should have happened, memories about all that went wrong. Or you may be thinking to the future, in catastrophic terms, about all the terrible things that might happen! Or you may have fantasies in your mind about how things should be; judgements, criticisms and expectations about yourself or the world around you.
It is all too easy to get hooked by the compelling thoughts produced by our minds and that can have a significant impact on how we feel and behave. If, however, you were to unhook yourself from all these thoughts, by simply noticing the process of thinking (more on this in the next chapter), you may find that the moment you are in is quite bearable, even quite pleasant or that something new may arise that you might not have even noticed or had the clarity of mind to act upon whilst being caught up in all this noise in your mind. Mindfulness gives us this opportunity – to unhook ourselves and stand back from our stressful thoughts, our busy story-producing minds and to truly fully appreciate this moment, just how it really is!
My life is too busy to not think!
Really? This is a common fear we hear from our busy clients, that their life is bound to fall apart if they stop thinking (there is another worrying thought to notice right there, we would say). Well, we are not here to advocate that you try to stop thinking altogether; in fact, you would get very frustrated and even more stressed if you tried or expected yourself to be able to. Thinking is, of course, helpful, and problem-solving and analysing are useful if they remain focused and productive. In fact, the greatest achievements of mankind, such as space travel, industry, telecommunications and the internet are all testaments to our intelligence and proficiency at problem-solving – but there is a large difference between thinking through a problem constructively and the futility and stress that endless worry and rumination brings.
Consider the following story and how, sometimes, no matter how many questions we ask, we may never find the answer we are looking for and, usually, we would find it more helpful just to let go, accept that we may not know, that there is nothing to solve or work out here, and get on with something more worthwhile. Ahh, freedom …
A young child once asked his teacher, ‘Teacher, what is it that holds the earth up in space?’ The teacher replied, ‘Oh, that would be the really large bear that holds the earth on the tip of his nose.’ ‘Ah, I see’, replied the inquisitive child, ‘but what then holds up the large bear, that holds the earth up on the tip of its nose, up in space?’ ‘That would be the even larger fish that holds up the bear on the tip of its fin.’ ‘Oh, I see teacher,’ the child replied again, ‘but then what holds the larger fish up, that holds the bear that holds the earth up in space?’ ‘Child, it’s bears and fish all the way down …’
It is only through awareness, and noticing the process of thinking in your mind, that you can make decisions about how useful your thinking might be to you in any given moment. Irrespective of whether a thought is true or not, the real question to be asking yourself is: is thinking this thought, right now, helpful to me? Is it helping me to live the kind of life that I want? Is it helping me do what is most important to me right now? Is it helping me be the person I really want to be in this situation?
Practice 5.3: Mindfulness right now!
Think tank
Bring to mind a thought or worry that, perhaps, you have been mulling over in your mind recently. As you bring your awareness to these thoughts, begin to ask yourself, how does ruminating, worrying, analysing and focusing on these thoughts:
- Make me feel emotionally?
- Make me feel physically?
- Affect my behaviour?
- Affect my relationships?
- Interfere with my precious time?
- Make me more efficient?
- Help me to enjoy this moment?
- Help me to create a satisfying life?
- Help me to get ahead, reach my goals and what is really important to me, in this situation, right now?
Stop with the positives!
Once we identify that a thought or a particular pattern of thinking is not working too well for us, usually we would try to stop it, by attempting to push it out of our mind either by distracting ourselves from it and/or trying to think the opposite or a more positive alternative thought to counter it.
However, trying to push stressful thoughts out of our mind by thinking the opposite or positively about a situation is often a circular, effortful, time-consuming and tiring experience. Perhaps you have tried that yourself (most of us tend to do it) and also recognise how often it does not get you anywhere in the long run, except more stressed out. The more we try to push thoughts out of our mind, the more they tend to pop back in. It is a well-known phenomenon in psychology called the rebound effect. Much like throwing a tennis ball against a wall, the harder we throw it, the faster it bounces back!
Sure, thinking positively does work sometimes and, often, in the short term, bringing us some relief but it is only a matter of time before our minds produce another counterargument in response to that positive thought. It is a bit like playing a game of chess …
Checkmate!
Imagine that your negative thoughts are the black pieces on a chessboard while your positive thoughts are the white pieces. As a black piece moves forwards, perhaps saying something like, ‘I’m too busy,’ ‘I’ll never get this done in time,’ ‘I have so much to do, life is so unfair,’ often we react by instinctively pushing a white piece onto the board to counter this, perhaps saying something like, ‘It’s OK, I do not have to get it all done straight away,’ ‘Other people are just as busy as me,’ etc.
The problem with this approach is that every white piece attracts another black piece and vice versa, and this is no ordinary game of chess as there are an infinite number of black pieces as there are white ones. The consequence is that this battle can go on and on forever, it is endless, leaving us tired, exhausted, stressed out and feeling like we are going around in circles. It is also extremely time-consuming and often takes us away from doing something that we may prefer to be doing or spending our time in a more meaningful and productive way. What is more, there is only ever one loser in this game of chess as all the pieces are yours! Attempting to dominate the board with white pieces is a common experience for us all and perhaps this resonates for you?
So, how can we break this habit and step away from the battle? Well, first consider that if the black and white pieces are your thoughts, what part of this game of chess is actually you? What if you were the chessboard itself, which is firm, strong, stable and secure and reaches out in all directions and simply holds all these pieces? The board is not involved in this tiring battle and has ample space for all the pieces, it remains unaffected by the pieces and the strenuous battle they are having. Mindfulness is the tool to help you to be more like this chessboard when you notice your mind’s endless and often futile attempts to push out stressful thoughts while getting caught up in this game of black versus white. Being more like the board means that these stressful thoughts simply pass through you.
Practice 5.4: Mindfulness right now!
Tying yourself in (k)nots
This simple exercise is intended to amuse and, more importantly, to show you how all your hard work spent trying to get rid of thoughts and feelings by trying to think positively or by trying to distract yourself from them is never going to pay off. Try really, really hard at the following tasks:
- Do not think of a pink elephant with black and yellow spots.
- Think of the dog/cat/goldfish/mother-in-law dying – feel nothing.
- Think of winning the lottery – feel nothing, do not imagine what you could do with the cash.
- Look in the mirror and have no negative thoughts at all, ever again.
- Do not think about how stressful this exercise is, when you have so many more important things to do.
Patterns in the mind
Neuroscience helps us to understand that our brains create networks of thoughts (neurological connections and pathways). One thought is associated with another; so, one thought may ignite further thoughts (there is no black without white, see what we mean?). An arm of behavioural science (called relational frame theory) also helps us to understand how as humans we learn to use language and thought and, specifically, how we derive relations between objects, events and symbolic representations held in our minds. In essence, all this helps to explain how our minds develop intricate stories or scripts, if you like, which, as we know, can cause us undue stress and, as importantly, prove to be life-limiting and quite unhelpful when it comes to our experience of busyness. Much like a computer, we hold these stories, or networks/programmes in mind but, very much unlike a computer, we cannot delete these programmes, ever.
So, what can we do if certain thoughts and stories are stressing us out? Well, the good news is that our brains are ‘plastic’. What?! Yes. An amazing discovery from neuroscience called neuroplasticity helps us to understand that our brains are not fixed or static and we can create new neural pathways, if we chose to. The fundamental principle here is that our brain changes and adapts in response to what we experience and how we choose to train it and those changes impact how we think, feel and behave. Every time we experience or do something new, we create a new neural pathway or synapse and, then, the more we exercise that specific neural pathway, the more we reinforce it, making it more likely that we will travel down that pathway again. In essence, we can rewire our brains via mindfulness practice. We can stop strengthening the programme or thinking networks that are causing us stress, we can wake up to when we are thinking them, see them for what they are – just thoughts, just the process of thinking, just a busy story (rather than listening to the content of them and then acting on the back of them).
Once we do this, and continue to do this, via our mindfulness practice, we strengthen a new neural pathway – training our minds to be present, right here and right now, rather than caught up in the compelling thoughts and stories produced by our minds, freeing us up to move towards aspects of our lives that matter most to us. We will also become aware of, and develop insight into, our own mental habits and patterns and be able to quickly recognise these, to unhook and step back from them. Simple, but not so easy, it is a discipline that needs to be practised and, the more we practise, the more natural it will become and the more we benefit.
Here is another quick mindfulness exercise that you can use when you find yourself caught up in your busy story. It will help to reduce all the futile worry connected with this story, really helping you to get out of your head and back in to the world around you.
Practice 5.5: I haven’t got time for this!
Sound advice
- Wherever you are, stop what you are doing in your mind and turn your attention towards your breathing to anchor you in this present moment. If it helps to sharpen your sense of hearing, close your eyes.
- Be still and notice what you can hear. Not so much searching for sounds but receiving sounds from near and far, as if your ears were a microphone, simply picking up sounds.
- Listen with curiosity, opening your awareness up to quiet, loud, soft and harsh sounds. Notice what is here, right now. Perhaps, sounds of traffic, sounds of electronic devices, sounds of people talking, sounds of leaves rustling, sounds of breathing.
- If any judgments or opinions come to mind about these sounds, allow these, too, to enter your awareness and gently let them pass by as you return your attention to the sensory quality of sounds.
- Rest your full attention on one sound. Notice which direction the sound is coming from, whether it is moving or still. Notice how far away the sound is, close by or perhaps in the distance. Notice how loud it appears, whether it changes in volume with each moment, or whether it stays constant. Notice the tone and pitch of the sound and how it changes with each passing moment.
- Allow the sound to fade from your awareness and reconnect with your breathing.
- If your eyes were closed, slowly open them, thanking your mind for this experience.
Mindfulness top tips to-go
In this chapter, you have learned that it is helpful to:
- Pay attention to your busy automatic tendencies, such as your busy story and busy behaviours.
- Engage less with this story and all the busy behaviours that you do, as your life will just feel busier and you will start to feel helpless to change it.
- Recognise that positive thinking and distracting yourself in the face of stressful thoughts often just makes us more stressed and is life-limiting and time-consuming.
- Stand back, be more mindful and bring more awareness to your thoughts.
- Let go of your busy tendencies while bringing your awareness to your present moment experience, which will free up space and energy for you to get ahead and focus your attention on more meaningful experiences in life.