Cultivating self-compassion
The losing game
Do you find you often compare yourself to other people? Perhaps you find yourself looking at the enviable figures of celebrities, comparing your achievements to your colleagues, scrolling through social media and noticing what wonderful lives all your ‘friends’ have while you deem yourself less worthy, feeling dissatisfied, sad and stressed. You may notice that this can lead to the expectations that you place on yourself forever increasing. On the one hand, you may argue that these high expectations provide you with goals to aim for, motivating you to improve yourself and better your overall quality of life. However, you may also notice that, more often than not, you fail to meet these high expectations and then you are left feeling like a failure, hopeless and fed up with it all, caught up in a perpetual cycle of busyness and dissatisfaction.
As we explored in the previous chapters, we can also hold unrealistic expectations that we must avoid difficult situations and any associated uncomfortable feelings at all costs. As this is impossible to achieve for any significant length of time, sooner or later we lose out and then begin to blame ourselves and others around us for not meeting our demands; fuelling anger, low mood, shame and a whole host of other unwanted emotions, often the very ones we were trying so desperately to avoid in the first place.
Whilst setting high standards for ourselves can help us to achieve great things, it can be problematic when our sense of self-worth is entirely reliant on reaching and exceeding these standards. For those of us with perfectionist tendencies failure no longer becomes an option and constantly striving for success becomes the answer. Yet failure is unavoidable, so when it shows up for perfectionists, the impact can be huge thus striving for success becomes counterproductive. In fact, research has shown that such perfectionist tendencies are related to a whole host of mental health difficulties including depression, anxiety and eating disorders. If any of this is sounding familiar, we’d encourage you to give the next practice a go.
Practice 10.1: Mindfulness right now!
Constant demands
Spend a few moments reflecting on these questions and become aware of the thoughts and feelings that arise.
- Finish these sentences with the first thing that comes in to your mind:
I should always …
I must never …
I have to …
I am so …
Other people should not …
It is unfair that …
No one ever….
I always …
I am never …
Nothing is …
I am not … enough - What feelings show up when you make a mistake? (disappointment, shame, humiliation, fear, guilt, failure?)
- What do you tend to say to yourself when you make a mistake or notice a flaw, what language do you use and how is your tone of voice?
- How do you treat yourself when you have not managed to achieve all that you set out for yourself, or you have failed in some way? Do you berate and bully yourself or are you understanding and kind to yourself?
- What do you deny yourself to avoid failing in the future? What needs do you ignore to make sure you get everything done (food, water, relaxation, sleep, love)?
- What are the consequences of treating yourself so harshly?
- When you realise you have not achieved what you wanted, do you tend to rush to fix this or do you give yourself time for care and self-kindness?
- Who and what do you compare yourself with?
- When is ever good enough?
- Are you criticising yourself now as you recognise you are lacking in self-kindness?
Take a moment to stop and notice what showed up for you during that practice. If you are berating yourself about the answers, stop right there. There is no benefit from beating yourself up for beating yourself up!
The truth is that it is really hard to be human, living in a busy world that has such high expectations of us, that is so competitive and that fears failure. It is not your fault if you tend to view the world in this way – if you also fear failure and how you, others and the world are just ‘not being good enough’. Often, we hear messages that we are lazy when we stop to care for ourselves, that we are never good enough and that we need to change so much of ourselves just to fit in. However, have you ever stopped to think about what impact all this criticism has on our well-being, confidence and functioning in life? How does all this affect our sense of busyness? Perhaps it is time to treat ourselves more kindly.
Kicking the dog when it’s down
As we have seen, we are wired in a way that means we persist in trying to solve problems in our lives, yet the real problem arises when we view our unpleasant emotions as problems. This is understandable, as these emotions tend to feel bad and we attempt to eradicate them in any number of ways. One way we do that is by beating ourselves up for even having them – telling ourselves that we should stop it, just get over it, pull ourselves together, perhaps, even, that we are weak, pathetic and stupid for ever feeling this way in the first place. This is the message that many of us have heard from people around us, even our very own loved ones when we were growing up. It makes sense that we would tell ourselves off for feeling these ways, if we have been led to believe that it is wrong.
Self-criticism in this respect is, therefore, functioning to protect us, to better us and trying to make us feel better. However, this harsh self-criticism generally does not help, in the longer term anyway. In fact, often it makes us feel worse. When this critical mind is left unchecked and it is pervasive, it continues to chip away at our confidence and can lead to a whole host of psychological problems.
When you are suffering, you do not need criticism, you need kindness. After all, if anybody else on the planet had your unique DNA, your unique childhood, your unique life history, your unique physical body, they would respond in exactly the same way that you respond. This is something that Helen realised when she came for therapy. The following is an extract of the conversation where she began to realise how she had been treating herself after becoming upset at work.
Helen
Helen: I just don’t know what’s wrong with me, I get upset so quickly and easily. There’s clearly something wrong with me that I’m never going to be able to change. I’m so pathetic that I let such a small issue affect me so much.
Psychologist: Can I ask you to just pause for a moment. Take a deep breath.
Helen: (Takes a deep breath)
Psychologist: What do you notice your mind saying right now?
Helen: I’m thinking I’m abnormal and weak.
Psychologist: Ouch! And what feelings are showing up right now as your mind judges you like that?
Helen: It’s horrible. I just feel worse.
Psychologist: Is this familiar? Having your mind beat you up like this when you are upset?
Helen: Yeah, I do it all the time.
Psychologist: And does it always leave you feeling worse?
Helen: Yeah it does … (pauses) You know what, it’s like that phrase ‘kicking the dog when it’s down.’ I’ve been doing that to myself, haven’t I?
Psychologist: I guess you have. If you buy into those thoughts, then that’s what you’ve been doing, yes. What do you think the dog really needs? Does it need to keep being kicked or is there something else?
Helen: I guess it really needs to be protected, taken somewhere safe and looked after.
Psychologist: Is that the same for your feelings? Do they need to be protected and given some care?
Helen: I guess so, I just don’t know how …
Like Helen, you might notice that you have treated yourself like this for a really long time and it is hard to know anything different. Perhaps it might even be difficult to consider giving up your self-criticism? Perhaps you are reluctant to stop listening to this part of you because you are worried it will mean you will get nothing done, that you will not be as successful as you are or could become, that you will not be as good a friend, partner or worker. That makes a lot of sense because it is likely that it has helped you to be where you are today and achieve all that you have, to some degree, but it does not bode well for your well-being, confidence and achieving all that you might want to in life.
This self-criticism often leaves us feeling on edge, anxious, angry and exhausted. When we feel these ways, we are not in the best psychological state to get things done, in the best way we can. In fact, we might even put things off until we feel more confident, more motivated or calmer, which would be quite understandable and what many of us tend to do. We might also put things off because we fear them going wrong and we know that when that happens our critical mind will continue to tell us how it is all our fault and we failed. Have a go at the next practice to think about this some more.
Practice 10.2: Mindfulness right now!
Two teachers
- Imagine someone you care deeply about. Bring them to mind and notice any sensations that may emerge around your heart.
- Imagine that this person is learning a new, challenging skill. Perhaps learning to drive, to play the piano, a new language.
- Now imagine that there are two teachers, teaching your loved one this skill. The first is a harsh critical teacher. When your loved one makes a mistake, they shout at them, ‘No, no, no! What have you done?! What’s wrong with you? You are always making mistakes; you are so useless at this! You’re pathetic!’
- What impact would this have on the way your loved one felt? Their performance at learning this new skill? Their motivation to carry on?
- The second teacher understands how difficult it is to learn this skill. They calmly say things to encourage your loved one to keep going like, ‘Nice effort. Keep it going. This is really hard. that’s not quite right, what about trying this?’
- What impact would this approach have on the way your loved one felt? Their performance at learning this new skill? Their motivation to carry on?
- Which one of those two teachers would you want your loved one to have?
- Which teacher are you more likely to hear in your own head as you go about your busy life?
What if we told you that, instead of beating yourself with a stick, there is, in fact, an alternative to this harsh critical self that can help motivate, support, protect and encourage you, helping you to get things done and manage your way through your busy life? What if we also told you that this alternative had all the benefits of self-criticism yet did not come with any of the negative drawbacks that you get from beating yourself up? And, that it was, in fact, necessary for your survival. The truth is that, although most of us have lost touch with, and become unpractised in this alternative approach, it is, in fact, deeply wired into our brain systems and particular ways of being, which are all older than our species itself. If you are anything like us, we bet you would be keen to hear more. Well, first, this alternative is called, self-compassion.
Self-compassion
As we have seen, at the heart of mindfulness is awareness. Inherent in this is acceptance. As we embrace and accept the nature of both our own private experience (thoughts, feelings, behaviour and sensations) and the busy world around us, we begin also to allow life simply to unfold.
Compassion is a quality that arises naturally from our clarity and acceptance. When we observe how we and those we love (as well as those we do not, or those we feel quite neutral about) suffer from being caught in their struggle to accept reality, then we can look into the very heart of suffering with a kind of fearlessness. When we understand pain, and suffering without grasping for something different, nicer or ‘better’, then we see the very truth and reality of life. We see that we all suffer – from the smallest beetle to a great blue whale, the wealthiest rock star to the poorest street urchin. Without exception, each creature is subject to ageing, illness and death – at the very least. This realisation, while it can be quite painful, also liberates compassion. And now, instead of avoiding pain, using mindfulness, we accept the reality of it and, alongside this, are then able to offer genuine, authentic empathy and care to ourselves and others.
Self-compassion can be defined as a sensitivity to our own suffering and a motivation to help alleviate and prevent it. It is all about acknowledging when we are suffering, and then purposefully responding to that suffering with genuine kindness. By leaning in towards our difficulties with courage, non-judgement and understanding, we can ease our suffering and develop resilience. We can also learn to be gentle and warm towards ourselves when we suffer and come into contact with our vulnerability. Through self-compassion, we shift perspective on our pain and suffering. Rather than seeing this as a threat, becoming single-minded and rigid in a state of fight or flight, attempting to escape and eradicate it at all costs, we calm, regain clarity of mind, become psychologically flexible and behaviourally effective, allowing us to move towards what matters most to us once again. In this state of ease, our perspective is expansive, we see more than the so-called threat of suffering, allowing us instead to meet our suffering with a genuine warmth, spaciousness and care. When we are suffering, being kind to ourselves is in fact essential in order to move towards what truly matters to us in our life. We function at our best when we feel valued, loved and cared for. Perhaps it’s time to therefore be kinder and more caring towards ourselves.
All in the same boat
When we are not able to meet our expectations or we make mistakes, we may feel very alone as if no one else suffers. Self-compassion helps us to recognise that all human beings suffer because we are all imperfect and vulnerable. When we are suffering with a sense of failure or any other emotional pain, we can learn to recognise that this is something we all go through, that we all share this in common. Self-compassion involves the recognition of this shared common humanity. The truth is that we all mess up. We all let down people who we know and love. We all struggle with painful thoughts and feelings. Busy or not, we are all very much in the same boat.
Cultivating self-compassion
You might or might not be surprised to know that the way that we breathe is, in fact, very much connected to our emotions. When we feel anxious, panicky or angry, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, leading our breathing rate to increase and become shallower. By focusing our attention on slowing down our breathing, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, slowing down the body and mind, helping to soften our emotion, making space for mindful awareness and a more helpful response to our emotions. When we are suffering in some way, experiencing painful feelings like anger, anxiety and sadness, acknowledging this and attempting to alleviate some of the distress is an act of self-compassion. By activating our self-compassionate minds, we become better able to tolerate and make space for challenging emotions. Give this a try now and feel free to use this technique before any of the other exercises you engage in over the course of the book.
Practice 10.3: I haven’t got time for this!
Soothing rhythm breathing 
- Find a comfortable position where you are upright with your feet flat on the floor.
- Close your eyes, if you feel comfortable to do so, otherwise droop your eyelids and bring your gaze to a spot or still object in front of you.
- Begin by noticing that you are breathing and notice the changes and sensations that come with the in breath and the out breath. Remain here, noticing these sensations for a few moments.
- Now gently slow down the rate of your breath. Breathe in for four to five seconds, pause and then breathe out for four to five seconds. Breathe in 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5, pause for a moment, breathe out 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5.
- If this feels too slow, begin at a rate that feels comfortable for you and take your time to slow the rate further.
- Bring your awareness to the sensations of your body and mind slowing down.
- Notice how your body responds to this slowing down.
- Continue to develop a rhythm that feels soothing for you for a few minutes.
- When you are ready, slowly open your eyes and notice a few objects in the room or space around you, to help ground you back into the environment that you are in.
How was that for you? If you found it difficult, that is OK, it can take time to get the hang of it and feel the calming effects. As mentioned, do use this exercise as much as you like, perhaps when you are feeling stressed, anxious and busier than ever. Taking a moment or two for self-care by soothing yourself in this way can work tremendously well, allowing you then to respond to your thoughts and feelings in a more helpful way. This will, then, allow you to choose and act on what matters most to you in that very moment.
Barriers to self-compassion
Before we come on to some more exercises, let us look at some common concerns that people often face when beginning to practise self-compassion.
‘I don’t deserve kindness’
For some of us, we may have learnt that being kind to ourselves is not safe or triggers difficult feelings, so our mind tries to protect us from this by suggesting that we stay well clear of it. If this sounds like you, it is possible that this is a message you received from an early age. Perhaps you did not receive a great deal of warmth and kindness from others so have learnt that, therefore, you are not worthy of any. It can take time to recognise your worth and, with practice, to realise that you and everyone around you deserves an abundance of kindness. Mindfulness can also help us to notice when we are avoiding being self-compassionate and habitually pulling back from it. Give it time and be gentle with you.
‘I’ll be letting myself off the hook and I won’t get anything done!’
Many of us are so scared to let go of our critical mind, believing that, if we are instead kinder towards ourselves when we fail or make a mistake, we will become complacent, lazy and will get nothing done or, worse still, will not better ourselves in any way. We are wired to believe that self-criticism is the only means for self-improvement. Well, the research shows us that being kinder towards ourselves when we make a mistake is in, fact, a better motivator to then change our behaviour for the better. Think about it – when you are attacking yourself and feeling upset, low and/or anxious as a result, are you really in the best psychological state to think clearly and improve yourself or the situation you are in? Perhaps remind yourself of the ‘Two teachers’ exercise above to see what effect self-criticism, versus a kinder more compassionate self, has on you and your productivity to progress well in your life.
‘My emotions are too powerful’
We know too well that, in the midst of an emotional storm, fight or flight mode really kicks in and the last thing on your mind is saying kind words to yourself or practising mindful breathing. However, the kindest and most useful act in that very moment might be simply to notice you are in a storm and reach a place of safety, then when it has died down a little, you can consider ways to be kind to yourself, as you are likely still to be hurting a great deal.
‘Being kind to myself is a weakness/It’s not a manly thing to do’
Compassion is about having the strength to face your fears, to bear witness to your pain so that you can choose a path that is best for you. Compassion is an act of courage. It is often confused with love, but the most important acts of compassion are towards aspects of our experience that we do not love, or even like. Consider your own experiences where you have faced a difficult challenge and, instead of finding a way out of it, stood up for something you believed in, despite your fear, or assertively expressed your needs, despite your anger towards another person; these all can be very difficult to do. Self-compassion is certainly not for the meek – it is about facing the reality of your pain head on and being bold enough to do something that may feel uncomfortable, all in the service of alleviating your undue suffering the best you can, and truly looking after yourself.
‘I don’t know how to’
Perhaps you have not had much experience of being kind to yourself. It is a concept many of us are not too familiar with. We are bombarded with messages like ‘stiff upper lip’, ‘just get on with it’, ‘take your mind off things’. These are all too familiar for so many of us and can leave us a little deskilled in self-compassion. You may find it easier to consider how you treat others who you care about when they are struggling. Many of us find it much easier to show kindness to others and we can practise showing that same kindness to ourselves. Stay curious and see what shows up in your practices.
‘It’s selfish/self-indulgent, I should be thinking of others’
Self-indulgence is giving in to your feelings, perhaps skipping the gym after a hard day at work or eating lots of chocolate after an argument with a friend. Self-compassion is being wise to what is most helpful for your well-being in the long term, which often means the displeasure of heading to the gym. We also understand that it might seem that, if we pay attention to ourselves and our difficulties, it can be at a cost of paying attention to others and their needs. However, self-criticism and ignoring our own needs can leave us depleted and then we have little left to give. It is also worth considering that, if we treat ourselves kindly, then the people around us might be more encouraged to do the same for themselves. Consider the people you spend most time with – do they tend to treat themselves the same way you do? Self-compassion can be a little bit contagious!
If you are still sceptical about all this compassionate stuff, that is completely fine. We would still encourage you to have a go at the next two exercises, despite what your mind may be telling you. See if you can bring a genuine openness and curiosity to the experience of doing them, see what arises.
Practice 10.4: I haven’t got time for this!
Loving you
- Close your eyes. Allow yourself to develop your soothing breathing rhythm.
- Take a few moments to imagine the face of someone you love with all your heart. Someone you care about very deeply.
- Imagine them looking in to your eyes. You begin to feel loved and safe.
- Allow the warmth connected to your loved one to wash over you. Take a few moments to savour that feeling.
- Now imagine your own face in front of you and that you, too, were someone you cared about deeply.
- What could you do today that told you ‘I am loved’? How could you stop neglecting yourself and show yourself that you care about you?
- What one simple act could you do? It does not have to be grand, something small will do.
- Notice how it feels to reflect on looking after and loving yourself in this way.
Practice 10.5: Mindfulness right now!
Kind words
- Bring to mind something you are struggling with. Perhaps a conflict with a friend, a difficult decision, a stressful situation on the horizon, a recent mistake you made. Think about this difficulty for a few moments.
- See if you can really feel the emotions associated with this struggle and the discomfort in the body.
- Allow your breath to be an invitation to stillness. Engage in your soothing breathing rhythm, if that is helpful.
- Acknowledge that you are hurting, perhaps by saying to yourself, ‘This is a moment of suffering’ or ‘This really hurts.’
- Let go of any judgements your mind makes about your pain, such as: ‘There’s something wrong with me,’ ‘I shouldn’t feel like this,’ ‘I must be mad, I’m crazy, I’m weak and pathetic!’
- Place the palm of your hand gently over wherever in your body you feel the emotion most strongly.
- Remind yourself that suffering is part of life and that, although their circumstances may be different, others suffer just like you, too. You are not alone.
- Say to yourself kind words: ‘I am human, no one is perfect,’ ‘I am here for you.’
- Ask yourself: what might be an expression of kindness to yourself? Perhaps saying, ‘May I be kind to myself, may I be strong.’
- How else might you bring more compassion to your thinking and feelings?
Powerful imagery
Can you remember what you had for breakfast? Can you recall where you went on your last holiday and whether you enjoyed it? Do you remember who you spent your last birthday with? To be able to answer these questions, you are most likely using your skills in imagery.
We humans are pretty good at imagining things and, at times, it can be quite powerful, activating sensations in the body, emotions and further thoughts. For instance, try bringing to mind your favourite meal or snack. Really try to picture what it might look like and smell like. Stay with that for a moment and then imagine taking a bite into it. You might notice that, just by imagining your favourite meal, you have begun to slightly salivate or even feel hungry.
If you did not notice any changes in your body, how about you picture some food you really cannot stand the taste of or perhaps some food that is rotting and mouldy, with maggots crawling all over it. And then you take a big bite in to that … We are guessing that you are probably recoiling at the thought of that and feeling pretty grossed out. Sorry about that, it is just we really wanted to make an important point about how simply imagining things can create changes in our emotions, our bodies, our minds and, consequently, our actions in life.
Imagery can stimulate a range of physiological reactions and emotional experiences. Have a think about it. In the same way that you have a physiological response to thinking about food or perhaps sex, you would also have a physiological response to a fierce critical bully in your mind. If you beat yourself up all day long, it is likely that you would feel angry, depressed, anxious, tense and/or pretty wobbly most of the time. Similarly, therefore, if you had a kind, caring ‘friend’ in your mind, you would be more likely to feel calmer, safer and more soothed as you rush about your busy life. Our imagination is extremely powerful and the good news is that we can use it wisely if we choose to. We can apply this powerful tool to bringing compassionate changes to our thoughts, feelings and actions.
The fact is that the mind tends to be well rehearsed in imagining things that leave us feeling distressed and less skilled in imagining things that calm us. When flying, it is not uncommon for people to report imagining the plane falling from the sky, activating feelings of panic. Or, when a loved one does not arrive home when you expected them to, the mind is very skilled at imagining a whole host of potential worst-case scenarios, such as your loved one being run over by a bus, kidnapped or ending up in hospital, leaving us feeling very concerned indeed.
The good news is that we can strengthen our compassionate mind via imagining practices that are designed to cultivate feelings that help to soothe and calm us and the qualities that will help us to tolerate and cope with stress, suffering and all our busyness. Do not worry if you do not notice anything happening to begin with – it can take time and practice, just like all the exercises in this book. Have a go at practising this some more now.
Practice 10.6: I haven’t got time for this!
Compassion for you
- Find a quiet space where you are unlikely to be disturbed.
- Begin slowly to engage in soothing rhythm breathing.
- If, at any point during the exercise, you find your mind wanders, simply allow space for this distraction and then, with the next out breath, bring your focus gently back.
- Bring your attention to your posture. Notice the strength in your body as it is grounded to the floor beneath it.
- Create a half smile to signify warmth and kindness.
- Begin to imagine a time when someone was very supportive of you. They were non-judgemental, they listened to you, cared about you and wanted to help you.
- Recall where you were at this time and what was happening around you. Look around your image and notice what you can see. Notice, too, what you can hear.
- See if you can really hear what this person said to you. Particularly notice the tone of their voice and the words they say to convey that they cared about you and understood what you were going through.
- Recall their body language and whether they did anything else to express compassion towards you.
- Acknowledge what emotions this person had for you. Notice how you feel in response to this. Acknowledge what it feels like in your own body for them to express these emotions towards you. See if you can create some space for these feelings, allowing feelings of compassion to flow in towards you.
- Stay with this image of receiving compassion and notice what feelings arise in your body.
- Connect with any feelings of gratitude or appreciation that may arise and stay present with these feelings, allowing them to linger for a few moments.
- When you are ready to do so, return your attention to your soothing rhythm breathing. Take a few moments to acknowledge that you have given yourself time to practise mindful self-compassion, to help alleviate your suffering in your busy life.
What did you notice during that exercise? It is possible that you may have noticed some of the feelings and qualities connected with self-compassion, such as warmth, closeness, kindness and care. If you did not, that is OK. Remember to take your time and give it another try when you can.
Walking the compassionate walk
We invite you to further your cultivation of self-compassion now by focusing on strengthening the specific qualities of your compassionate self.
Practice 10.7: Mindfulness right now!
Who is my compassionate self?
Take a few moments right now to perhaps jot down some of the qualities you would, ideally, like to have if you were someone who was truly calm, confident and compassionate towards yourself.
Here are a few ideas to start you off:
- The wisdom to know what is best for me.
- Empathy and understanding of my own suffering.
- Encouragement and kindness.
- Recognition that all humans suffer.
- Ability to face difficulty with strength.
Now spend a few moments to consider what a very compassionate person you might look like, sound like and behave like. How would they treat you when you are suffering?
OK, so, once you have some ideas jotted down, give the next practice a go.
Practice 10.8: I haven’t got time for this!
You at your best
- Close your eyes and guide your attention towards your breathing. Engage with your soothing rhythm breathing.
- Remind yourself of the qualities of compassion that ideally you would have.
- Now imagine that you have all of these qualities. Breathe in wisdom, strength and kindness and breathe out, knowing that your mind is not your design. Breathe in understanding, non-judgement and empathy and breathe out knowing that your suffering is not your fault.
- Begin to imagine further what you might look like as a deeply compassionate person. Are you old or young? What are you wearing? What does your facial expression look like? How is your body posture, are you sitting or standing tall? Does your body language signal openness and care? Take a few moments to explore this image.
- Continue to follow your in breath and out breath as you imagine the qualities of compassion.
- Now, imagine what you might say to yourself when you are being someone who is caring, wise and strong. Notice the tone of your voice and whether you are loud or quiet.
- Imagine how you might be with yourself when you are suffering, what actions might you take? See if you can create space in your body for all the feelings that arise, welcoming them in to your experience right here, right now. Stay with this for a few moments.
- When you are ready to do so, return your awareness to your breathing. Remember that you can turn to this compassionate part of you at any moment in time. Take a moment right now to thank your mind for this experience. On the next exhalation, allow the images to fade away as you open your eyes and bring your attention to the space around you.
Engaging your compassionate self
As we invariably become caught up in our forever changing thoughts and feelings, it is as if we are alternating between different psychological states or parts of experiences. We have got an anxious self, an angry and critical self, an excited self and a compassionate self, and so on. When we are engaged with any of these experiences, they will have effects on our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, urges and behaviours. The interesting thing is that these different parts of our experience often interact with each other, so the angry part might communicate (or conflict) with the anxious part, and so on. This can be a difficult experience at times and often not the most helpful one to get caught up in as we try to manage the stresses and strains of our busy existence.
Sometimes, unearthing the compassionate part of ourselves is the best course of action we can take. Usually, it is the case that our anxious self and our angry self are, in fact, in desperate need of compassion, in order for us to get focused and productive, and moving towards what matters most to us once again. When activating our compassionate self, there is no need to challenge or suppress our anxious or angry inner voices; they tend to naturally settle and lower in volume, as they begin to feel looked after and soothed. Have a go at the next practice to experience the impact that your compassionate self can have on the other angry and anxious parts of you.
Practice 10.9: I haven’t got time for this!
Taking a self-compassionate perspective
For this exercise, you might like to find a quiet room and arrange three separate chairs so that they are facing each other. You can then sit in each chair as you practise taking the perspective of different parts of your experience. Setting the chairs up in this way is not entirely necessary. However, you might like to try it to enhance your experience of the practice.
- Consider a difficult issue you have been facing recently. Notice how you have been responding to this issue. Perhaps the angry/self-critical and anxious/worried parts of you have shown up?
- Begin the practice first by taking on the role of the angry/self-critical you (perhaps sit in the first chair, designated to your angry/self-critical part). Express what thoughts and feelings you are having about this situation from that angry/self-critical perspective. Notice the words and tone of your voice. Notice your facial expression and body posture. How does this part of you want to handle the situation? Notice how you feel as you are taking on this role. Notice how your body feels as you become angry and berate yourself.
- Once you have done this, try taking on the role of your anxious/worried self (perhaps sit in the second chair, designated to the anxious/worried part of you) and repeat the step above. Noticing what it feels like to be talking from this anxious perspective about this difficult situation and where you feel that in your body.
- Now begin to notice how these two parts of you communicate, perhaps even arguing with each other. Continue to switch back and forth between each part of your experience (and seat) for a short while. Really try to experience how they feel and what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the other one.
- Now take a few moments to bring your attention to your breathing. Engage in your soothing rhythmic breathing.
- Now take a few moments to practise taking a more self-compassionate perspective (perhaps taking a seat in the third chair, designated to the self-compassionate part of your experience) and see if you can call upon your deepest care for yourself and your wisdom to address these other parts of you. What does your compassionate self want to say to the other parts of you to help them feel understood, cared for and listened to? Perhaps, this would be similar to what you might say to a distressed friend. Something like, ‘I understand that you feel angry … I understand that you feel anxious …’ ‘This is difficult for you right now, which makes sense, considering …’. ‘I understand that by being self-critical/worrying you are trying to help, but it’s not that helpful and there is an alternative …’ Allow your heart to open up and soften. What other words of compassion may be helpful? Perhaps, ‘I am here with you both … it will be OK.’
- What insights does this compassionate part of you have for your difficult situation? What wise advice would you give to yourself about how to best manage the situation, to best look after yourself? It is OK if you are not sure what to do or say; perhaps compassionately acknowledge that. Is there something kind you can do for yourself as you go through this? Remember to breathe, take time for yourself, look after yourself in some other way.
Remember that this compassionate part of you is always there, you can elicit it in any moment of time. Sometimes, it might just be a bit hidden away but, when we look for it, we can find it. Perhaps set an intention for yourself to approach this and other difficulties you encounter while being the compassionate you as much as possible. When we are at war with ourselves or attacking a particular part of ourselves, there can only ever be one loser! Consider, who would that be? Remember, mindful self-compassion is an effective alternative to this self-attacking stance that can help soothe all the other more painful parts of you, so that you can best navigate and manage your busy, stressful and demanding life.
Mindfulness top tips to-go
In this chapter, you have learned that it is helpful to do the following:
- Notice and let go of the high expectations that you place on yourself.
- Be kind to yourself when you are suffering, instead of criticising, berating and bullying yourself. This way, you will remain more behaviourally effective so you can do the things that matter most to you.
- Engage in your soothing rhythm breathing to help slow down the body and mind, helping you to regain control over your behaviour and your busy life.
- Practise self-compassion to increase your resilience in the face of stress and busyness.