Think of the many relationships you have in your life. You are in relationships with your immediate family, your extended family, your significant other and/or friends, your bosses, your coworkers, and possibly even with your work organization’s customers and suppliers. You may also be a member of a club or community group, and perhaps you are involved in virtual relationships via e-mail or through your own personal blog (an electronic journal posted to the Internet for all to read). Now think about the quality of these relationships. Some of the relationships are so good that in fact sometimes you feel as though the other person can read your mind. In other words, they “get you” and know what you are all about. They comfort you and defend you even when you reveal the not-so-good side of yourself to the world. Some of the relationships you have may be less deep or maybe just not as important to you, but nevertheless you must maintain them. The mark of great relationships lies in giving each person in the relationship an opportunity to grow and expand in his or her own right.

Some people find themselves consistently in great-quality relationships; other people, however, find that some relationships are harder to maintain than others. Why it is that some relationships just don’t work? It may be a lack of personal chemistry, or one person may not be comfortable in the relationship. Perhaps something in the history of the relationship has caused difficulties; alternatively, differing expectations about the roles in the relationships may have led to a decision to move apart. Whatever the cause, ensuring that relationships do not take a turn for the worse is important.

Mentoring relationships have much in common with the other types of relationships people experience. Mentoring relationships consist of many of the same ingredients, go through similar developmental phases, and present many of the same challenges. Power mentoring relationships present additional complexities. For example, in a power mentoring relationship, a protégé may have to manage more than one relationship, or a network of relationships. Often the stakes are higher for both parties in power mentoring relationships than in other mentoring relationships. Power mentors have a lot to lose if the relationship does not go well. They run the risk of being seen as a poor judge of talent if their protégés do not live up to their high expectations. Backing someone in an organization who turns out to be a less than stellar performer is risky. For the protégé, an inadequate mentor can cause many problems. Bad advice, career opportunities, or interpersonal problems such as abusiveness or sabotage could result from a rocky relationship.

In this chapter we dissect the nature of mentoring relationships to give mentors and protégés some specific ideas for enhancing their relationships with one another. In the following pages,

Even though you may not consider the relationship with your postal carrier as being very intimate, it is a relationship nevertheless. One way to think of how relationships differ is in the degree of social closeness, or what researchers call intimacy. You are unlikely to be socially close to your postal carrier. You do, however, experience a higher level of closeness to your work group members, and a still higher level of closeness to a significant other.

This closeness or intimacy can vary in intensity, frequency, or both. For example, closeness is often related to the level of self-disclosure that occurs in the relationship, how much trust is involved (both how much you trust the other person and how much they trust you), and the emotional intensity of the topics you might discuss (that is, whether they include the everyday “How’s the weather,” versus “This is what I’m thinking about doing with my career”). Self-disclosure often intensifies a relationship because of the mutual level of risk. If one person discloses something personal, it signals that she has a level of comfort with the person in whom she has confided. If the other person reciprocates by revealing something personal, then the first person feels they have both risked something. Closeness may also be dictated by the frequency with which you interact with one another. Typically, people consider themselves closer to those with whom they speak more often. However, in some cases, the level of closeness may be independent to some extent of the frequency of contact, and people may feel very close despite having little contact. This may be the result of a deep bond that has developed over time. As one of our friends puts it, “No matter how long it’s been since I last spoke with you, I know when we talk again, we’ll pick up where we left off.” The intensity of the relationship at this point is independent of frequency of contact.

Through our interviews, we found that intimacy and commitment—and to some extent passion—were important components of mentoring relationships, though there were major differences depending on the profession. By intimacy or connectedness we mean the level of self-disclosure, the level of trust, and the interdependence of the relationship. We talk about self-disclosure as we discuss defining moments and communication practices in relationships, and we follow up on the issue of trust that we discussed in the previous chapter.

What leads to intimacy, passion, and commitment in mentoring relationships? Initial connection, frequent interaction, efforts to increase closeness, and defining moments are the building blocks that lead to effective mentoring relationships. Before we give examples of three building blocks of successful mentoring relationships, take a moment to answer the questions in Exhibit 6.1 about a mentoring relationship you currently have. The statements in the exhibit come from mentors and protégés in our study, who talked about both the good and the not-so-good relationships they may have had with their mentoring partners in the past.

The other personal factor that made for an initial quality interaction was the relationship partners’ social skills. Of course, we all know that social skills are important for initiating and maintaining relationships. Take a look in any bookstore, mortar or online, and you will see a slew of books talking about how to strike up a conversation with strangers or how to win people over within just a few moments of meeting them. The social skills that allow us to put other people at ease are quite coveted. There is a story of a painfully shy famous scientist who forced himself to spend a set amount of time every day in a local park striking up a conversation with young women he did not know for the sole purpose (ostensibly) of improving his social skills. Initially his conversations were quite awkward, and the young women walked away; eventually, however, he became good at striking up a conversation, making small talk, and putting people at ease.

In the previous chapter, we related many stories of how our protégés and mentors met one another. Sometimes it was during very simple exchanges, at least from the perspective of one member of the pair. For example, as we mentioned, Dixie Garr and Anthony Hayter’s first meeting was over a tray of doughnuts after Dixie gave a talk at a professional gathering that Anthony attended. From her perspective it was a simple conversation about doughnuts. As Anthony remembered:

What if their initial interaction had unfolded differently? Imagine that instead of continuing the conversation, Anthony had ignored Dixie’s offer to make small talk and did nothing with it. One well-known psychologist’s work on successful and not-so-successful marriages shows that not recognizing bids for closeness results in major problems in relationships.⁴ Those who find their bids for closeness ignored become very hesitant to make bids in the future, and begin to withdraw even in established relationships. Eventually, the overall closeness of their relationships suffers. With respect to mentoring, what does a bid for a relationship look like? Sometimes a mentor will extend a helping hand to a would-be protégé in an effort to see whether the protégé might be interested in being mentored. How that potential protégé responds is very important.

As professors, we both have the opportunity to mentor many students; however, sometimes we are surprised by students who do not respond when we make an overture to mentor them. Of course, it may be that they are truly not interested in our advice, but we believe that some students simply fail to recognize the significance of our mentoring attempt. For example, one of us knew an impressive graduate student who was interested in becoming an executive coach. We e-mailed the student, asking if he would be interested in working for a few hours in a high school leadership program to give one-on-one leadership feedback to students and help them interpret performance feedback, a process that is also involved in executive coaching. Although the group did not include executives, the experience would have given the student hands-on coaching experience, which could have improved his skills and built his résumé. After a week had passed, the student finally e-mailed back, giving a very weak excuse as to why he would be unable to participate. He did not apologize or thank us for considering him for the position. Our bid for closeness within a mentoring relationship was ignored. In fairness, the student may genuinely not have been interested in our mentoring; on the other hand, we had many benefits to offer: access to research opportunities as well as training, consulting, and coaching opportunities. We have had other similar experiences involving students who are very skilled and with whom we have wanted to connect in order to get them involved, but they have not seen our bid for connection. It would be nice if mentors would be clearer and more direct in their mentoring overtures, but often these subtle invitations are part of the initial tests and challenges we mentioned in Chapter Five. The mentor is attempting to discover whether the protégé is a keen observer of subtle invitations.

In making initial contact with Bob Wright, Pamela Thomas-Graham was introduced to him through another common mentor, Jack Welch. Pamela followed Jack’s advice and set up the meeting with Bob. She did not necessarily have high expectations for the meeting, because as she said, people often tell you that you must get in touch with so-and-so and you will definitely hit it off, and Pamela recognized that that scenario did not always come to pass. However, as a testament to the high level of social skills that both Pamela and Bob bring to a meeting, in fact their first meeting was characterized by great initial rapport:

It appears that social savvy and follow-up on bids for mentoring interaction can carry a potential mentoring relationship forward. These skills add to other important relationship starters such as perceived similarity, a complementary skill or perspective, a compelling characteristic or skill, or demonstrated potential or performance, which we discussed in some detail in Chapter Four. However, it is then the responsibility of protégés and mentors to continue to connect, in order to move the relationship forward. Protégés and mentors must recognize bids for closeness and follow-up. Letting a valuable mentoring possibility pass by could be potential career suicide in an organization. Protégés should watch for the offer of mentoring from potential sources and take time to explore the possible fit with that mentor.

One way to ensure that relationships are satisfying to the people involved is to make sure that the frequency and intimacy of communication are appropriate. Linda Sanford provided a number of examples of the ways she communicates with her protégés in the organization, realizing of course that IBM is an international corporation. As she noted:

Linda Sanford also talked about how the type of communication depends on different factors in the relationship. For example, with people she has known for a while, she needs to put in a little less effort in their communication. As she put it when talking about her protégé Charles Lickel:

As we talked to a number of our mentors and protégés, we found that there needed to be something in the relationship for both of them that would cause them to interact in the early stages. As the relationship developed, they may have contacted one another less often, but the intimacy and closeness that they had built early on helped sustain them so that when they spoke again, they often had fond memories of their previous interactions. For example, Diane Robina spoke about some of her first impressions of her relationship with Anne Sweeney, remembering Anne’s lessons about the business:

Unfortunately, in many of the mentoring relationships we studied, it was difficult for the mentor and protégé to have frequent meetings because of the high-intensity nature of their jobs. We initially had a question in our interview protocol asking the mentors and protégés to reflect on what they did for fun. Only a handful could answer that question, because most of their time spent together was work related. However, usually in the context of describing their defining moments with each other, some did talk about the importance of moving a relationship to more intimate territory (for example, dinner at each other’s houses, a long business trip, and so on). It appears that for power mentoring relationships, the quality and not the quantity of interactions is most important for building a close relationship. Quality interactions appeared to be more goal directed and quite candid in their content. We turn to more examples of quality interactions in the next section.

Anthony and Dixie’s relationship had come a long way, beginning with their conversation over doughnuts when she came to give a speech at his college, and moving ahead when he worked at Texas Instruments, to where she now works with him on projects from her job at Cisco. Many relationships show this natural progression over time. The question one might ask, though, is whether the individuals in the relationship can “hurry the relationship along,” so to speak. In other words, what techniques would help the relationship progress to higher levels of intimacy more quickly? The old song, “You Can’t Hurry Love”—sung by Diana Ross and the Supremes—might hold some truth in this situation. The song goes on to say that you have to wait, because love is a game of give-and-take. This sentiment probably makes sense for mentoring relationships (except for the love part!). Mentoring relationships that progress too quickly might leave the mentor or protégé feeling uncomfortable, if there has not been enough effort spent getting to know one another and self-disclosing information.

Don and Lee’s closeness came from interactions that were normal, everyday kinds of things they did as they traveled together. They built closeness from mundane sorts of interactions rather than from a more goal-directed mentoring relationship. What’s important to note from these different stories of intimacy and closeness is that people in the mentoring relationships did what they felt was right for them in achieving closeness. In other words, there is no one right way to build closeness.

For example, Lee Butler, retired U.S. Air Force General, described the relationship he had with Donald Pettit as being very egalitarian, even though they differed in rank: “The relationship that Don and I developed, at some levels like that of General Brown and myself, [was] that I always treated Don completely as an equal.”

The relationships we surveyed in our study varied in terms of the kind of interdependence exhibited between the pair. These forms map somewhat back onto the mental models of mentoring we introduced in Chapter Four. For example, the mentor with a master-mentor mentality may be very interdependent with his or her protégés. Those who have a more pragmatic view of mentoring relationships may show less interdependence; instead the mentor may dominate. The level of interdependence in the dyad is also important to consider as the mentoring relationship progresses. Each mentor will have a different idea about the nature of the relationship that will affect how closeness and goals are achieved. You might also expect that a relationship may go through phases, in which it begins as more asymmetrical and moves into a more equal status; moreover, one party or the other may be dominant, depending on the context. It’s important to be aware of these differences and to discuss them as the relationship progresses, so that there are no misunderstandings.

Intimacy is an important component of close relationships. It can be built from a positive initial connection, followed by getting together frequently enough to self-disclose about one’s career hopes and aspirations. Self-disclosure also plays a pivotal role in the defining moments of many of our relationships—the subject of the next section of the chapter.

Defining moments among our power mentors and protégés were associated with a high degree of trust and intimacy, and the successful resolution of a problem or support during a defining moment brought the mentor and protégé closer together. However it happens, a defining moment can be a true test of an individual’s character and of the strength of a relationship. We found that defining moments in mentoring centered around six types of experiences: (1) setting an expectation, (2) helping with work-family balance, (3) responding positively to a personal revelation (self-disclosure), (4) providing advice given during a critical juncture, (5) delivering critical feedback, and (6) giving unconditional support during a crisis. In the following section we provide examples of each of these experiences in the hope that when defining moments arise in your mentoring relationships, you will be prepared. You may want to bear in mind the following questions as you consider the defining moments described here.

Typically, defining moments occur in the context of more established relationships; however, they can also be a catalyst for getting a relationship off the ground. In this case, a mentor sets expectations for a protégé. We heard several examples of this in our interviews. This idea of setting expectations works much like the positive Pygmalion effect—or a self-fulfilling prophecy—in the sense that if someone else believes in you, you are more likely to believe in yourself.¹² This effect has been well documented in the social-psychological literature in populations ranging from schoolchildren to adults. Have you ever had the feeling when confronted with a new task that “I can’t do that; I’m not ready; I’m not worthy”? But if you have someone like a mentor who tells you, “Yes you can; you are ready; you are worthy,” it gives you confidence and can completely change your mindset. For several of our interviewees, this sense of readiness and worthiness was instilled by setting an expectation of greatness for one’s protégé. Ron Dellums, former congressman, shared the following experience: “Dr. Lewis Watts, my mentor, called me in his office when I was working in San Francisco, and said, ‘I want you to read this book,’ The Shoes of the Fisherman. He said, ‘Prepare yourself to lead because I see you as a leader.’ He told me this is a story about the loneliness of leadership, and you need to prepare yourself on the one hand for the loneliness, and you need to understand how to fight against isolation in the role of leadership.”

One of the most challenging aspects of work life today is the critical balancing act between work and family. In the past decade alone, U.S. workers have added 58 hours per year to their work schedules.¹³ A survey by TrueCareers reports that 70 percent of workers feel they have no balance between their work life and home life.¹⁴ While 70 percent of mothers with children under 18 are in the labor force, and whereas only about 13 percent of married couples with children consisted of families in which only the husband worked outside the home, 31 percent were dual-income families with children.¹⁵ Moreover, those without children also have a number of family relationships and important extracurricular relationships that must be balanced with work. A recent research study suggests that employees involved in mentoring relationships had reduced work-family conflict.¹⁶ Some evidence suggests that many women are leaving the confines of corporate America because of a lack of support for work-family balance, representing a significant loss of resources for corporate America. High-profile cases like those of Brenda Barnes and Karen Hughes exemplify this trend. Brenda Barnes currently is president and COO of the Sara Lee Corporation. She took a five-year leave of absence from corporate America to spend time raising her children. Karen Hughes, former press secretary for George W. Bush, has worked on and off for the administration, citing the need to spend time with her family as the reason for her breaks. However, she retains her relationship with President Bush as she recently played an active role as an advisor during his 2004 election and in March 2005 took a position in the State Department as Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy.

The birth of a child is often a defining moment not only personally, but also professionally. A mentor can help one balance this competing demand with a bit more grace and dexterity. Diane Robina recollected her defining moment with her mentor Anne Sweeney, and how it not only alleviated some of her work-family balance issues but also brought the two women much closer. As Diane related:

While work-family balance is definitely a challenge, it is an issue that can be openly addressed, because the experience of having children is socially acceptable and even socially desirable. However, what about personal situations that are less common or perhaps less socially acceptable in the mainstream? Like being gay or lesbian in corporate America? This was the case for Linda Sanford and her protégé, Charles Lickel, at IBM. It is estimated that gays and lesbians represent approximately 10 percent of the population, yet in many cases this group is still a hidden minority. Federally, gays and lesbians have few rights and little recourse against discrimination. Although some corporations—and states—have provided protection, by and large discrimination against gays goes unchecked. The stress of staying in the closet can decrease productivity and be a detriment to positive work relationships. It is no wonder that Charles Lickel stayed in the closet for the first 16 years he was at IBM. He was afraid that IBM was not ready for his openness and that any disclosure would harm his career. When Charles did decide to come out, he first came out to his mentor, Linda Sanford. Both described this as a compelling, defining moment in their relationship. In Linda’s words, “With Charles, the defining moment was when he told me that he is gay. It was very, very difficult for him to do this. And this was back in the 390 world [previous IBM mainframe] when we were there. And we had built a very strong team. And I’ve always respected him, but I think I even respected him more at that point. Because not only did he tell me; he proceeded to tell the team in his own way. And then he became a leader in our diversity group around gays and lesbians.”

Charles became a cochair of the gay and lesbian task force and has been recognized as a top gay and lesbian leader in America. His efforts brought positive recognition to IBM and helped them to be seen as a leader on diversity issues.

Linda was able to give Charles important backing and advice to pursue a leadership position on the diversity task force. Similarly, Ron Dellums described a time when he was able to provide advice during a critical career juncture and decision point for his protégé, U.S. Representative Barbara Lee (D-CA), who had served as Dellums’s chief of staff from 1975 to 1987. Lee faced a decision—whether to go with the crowd or follow her heart and head.¹⁷ The issue was whether to give President George W. Bush the unilateral authority to declare war after the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. She was the only one among the 421 members of the House of Representatives who voted no. She received an outpouring of protest against her decision. Before making that decision, Dellums gave her the following advice:

In addition to giving advice during a critical juncture, one of the most important services that a mentor can perform for a protégé is to offer critical feedback. Judith Gwathmey recalled a situation when she had to confront a protégé for bad behavior during a conference and how it was a defining moment in their relationship:

Defining moments played an integral role in the development of intimacy in our power mentoring relationships. These moments seemed to take many forms, but after they had occurred, usually both the mentor and the protégé felt as though the relationship had entered a new phase. Our purpose in sharing a sampling of defining moments from our interviews is to give you some hints on how you can take your own relationships to a new level. But unfortunately, as you can tell from many of the stories we cite, the defining moments cannot be forced. They happen, and as we mentioned earlier, you must be prepared to react accordingly. As we asked before, would your mentor or protégé be an ally during a defining moment, or would they disappoint you? Also, what have you learned from your defining moments with your mentor or protégé, and how did those insights affect your relationship and career? Knowing how to best leverage your defining moments takes skill.

Take tip 1, for example. In any relationship—friendship or otherwise—we are very happy when someone knows what we are all about. This implies that each person in a mentoring relationship should take time to find out more about the person they are mentoring to gain that understanding. These might range from small things like their favorite foods to big things such as their hopes and dreams for themselves, their families, or their organizations. Listening plays a key role in many of these initial interactions. (We bring up more about listening later in the chapter.) An open discussion of other personal traits, such as how the two individuals handle emotions, can also make a difference for the relationship. As our interviews made clear, an honest sharing of important information of this nature can help build intimacy.

For example, Bob Wright said that he wanted to see people in different contexts to get a sense of what they were really like outside of the office:

Not only did Bob understand the importance of context for judging talent, he also realized it was important for getting to know the challenges a person might be facing in their work environment and how they might be helped.

In Chapter Five, on the protégé’s perspective on mentoring relationships, we touched on the important topic of impression management—that is, the ability to make the best possible impression on others. The crux of impression management is emotional intelligence.¹⁹ All of us can think of individuals who seem extremely attuned to the emotions of others or who move effortlessly between different types of social situations. These individuals often have high levels of emotional and social intelligence, which they use not only to manage the impressions people have of them but also to manage other important aspects of relationships. The concept of emotional intelligence includes the ability to handle one’s own emotions, to recognize and understand the emotions of others, and to delay gratification. In other words, it is about people who are smart about the nature and consequences of their own emotions and the emotions of others. People who have high levels of emotional intelligence are said to do well in many interpersonal situations and are found at the highest levels of organizations for their ability to motivate others through their caring personalities.

As one writer puts it, nice people are not always represented in the highest ranks of professions. The person who makes it to the top is often the executive who is never satisfied with the status quo and is concerned with logic and rationality rather than with the feelings of others.²⁰ However, in our mentoring study we found countless examples of mentors and protégés who were well aware of the requirements of emotional intelligence in their relationships. For example, General Lee Butler showed a keen understanding that his job involved more than just technical know-how, as he indicated in this passage:

Emotional intelligence includes a number of perceptions and skills a person can develop through training, experience, and a conscious effort to make a change through self-awareness and goal setting. Improving emotional intelligence is an important goal for anyone who cares about the quality of their interpersonal relationships, mentoring or otherwise. Currently many assessments exist for determining your general level of emotional intelligence. Understanding where you might have strengths or opportunities for improvement will start you on the path to improvement. Chapter Seven contains a source for online assessments to get you started.

At the heart of all relationships are listening skills. Effective listening is not limited to the act of hearing and repeating what someone is saying, but instead involves understanding what they are really saying. A person can exclaim, “Whew, what a week!” One listener may just hear a mundane comment about a workweek, whereas another may hear that the person is at their wit’s end struggling to hold themselves together. Books abound that provide practice with active listening skills. Active listening means not just nodding and saying, “Yes, yes,” but actually reflecting back to the person in a way that they feel confident that you have heard them. This “reflection” takes the form of a paraphrase of “What I hear you saying is ...” or other, less obvious responses that convey the same information. The part of reflection that people often forget to give involves reflection for emotions. In other words, trying to reflect back the emotion the person is conveying helps ensure that you are truly listening to their meaning, not just their words.

Within the context of mentoring relationships, listening skills are taken to another level. Most mentors, especially those at higher levels in the organization, are very busy. If they offer a protégé career advice, the protégé needs to listen, because they may never get this advice again. Dixie Garr (from Cisco) described what she likes in protégés (mentees), and especially in her relationship with Anthony Hayter:

The participants in our study provided many other examples of excellent listening skills. In fact, in the course of conducting our interviews, we couldn’t help but notice the way the interviewees gave us their full attention as we explained the process and asked them the interview questions. Their attentiveness made us feel like we were important to them during the time we were there.

This first tip for deepening the relationship is really the way to get the relationship off on the right foot. Making a good first impression, and getting to know one another through good emotional intelligence and listening skills, are all-important keys to great relationships. Even though most of us have heard these suggestions many times, often we do not take the time to consciously practice them. We urge you to use these skills deliberately when first connecting with your would-be protégé or would-be mentor. If you are not utilizing your best skills, you may be missing an amazing opportunity for a fantastic relationship.

Tip 2 on our list of tips for deepening your mentoring relationships—nurturing fondness and admiration—can also be crucial to the success of these relationships. In his research, John Gottman found that many marriages do not do well because the bad times chip away at the initial admiration the partners have for each other.²¹ In mentoring relationships, there can be periods when the two individuals are not sure they are still getting the things from the relationship that they used to get. Spending time focusing on the pride you have for one another in the mentoring relationship can be very helpful for future interactions. Here is how Ron Meyer expressed his admiration for one of his protégés, Richard Lovett, president of Creative Artists Agency: “What I get back from him is a feeling of a friend—someone I trust and admire. I’m very proud of him. I think he’s accomplished a lot. He and his partners held that company together when all the founders left. They have done an amazing job not only in holding it together but by building a better company.”

Tips 3 and 4 are especially important in reverse mentoring relationships. In Chapter Five we spent some time talking about the many organizations that have begun to use reverse mentoring to learn from younger workers. Being open to what your mentor has to say is important. Sometimes it is difficult for older employees to admit that they don’t know something in front of a younger employee. The relationship must be developed so that the comfort level is there. On the other hand, listening to what a protégé needs is just as important in maintaining a mutually beneficial relationship.

Peer mentors may find it difficult to control their competitive streak when working with others. Both members of the dyad are usually bright and want to get ahead, so sometimes they may find they are in competition with one another. Some of us just have difficulty listening to feedback that is counter to the perfect image we want of ourselves. Seeking a mentoring relationship means we have accepted the inevitability that we will sometimes receive negative feedback.

Tip 5 points to the importance of working on solvable problems together. Problem solving is a process that mentors and protégés work on naturally. It may become dysfunctional if mentors try to solve all of their protégés’ problems rather than having the protégés learn the techniques for navigating potential workplace issues. Mentors need to be careful that they do not operate from a hero complex where they swoop in to solve all problems. This tip also underscores another problem that could occur in mentoring relationships: the relationship may turn into an opportunity to hold gripe sessions. Although once in a while, trashing your coworkers might feel good, it is not advisable. As one moves up in an organization, remaining professional in the face of adversity is very important. Mentors can encourage protégés to see organizational issues in a more favorable light by giving them insights into the decision-making processes of others in the organization.

Tip 6 refers to building a mentoring relationship where the two parties understand that the relationship should benefit both of them. What is important here is that both the mentor and the protégé should have realistic expectations and goals; failing to arrive at shared meaning in the relationship can lead to problems. For example, in one pair a mentor and protégé may disconnect on the objectives of the relationship. In another pair the mentor may not feel the same level of trust for the protégé that the protégé feels for the mentor. Shared meaning in a mentoring relationship occurs when both people agree on these various factors and the relationship is equally fulfilling to each party.

Tip 7 calls attention to the key role that race, gender, or even generational differences may play in a mentoring relationship. Should we expect that same-sex mentoring relationships will function the same way as different-sex relationships? Yes and no. Gender differences do exist in relationships, especially friendships; however, in the workplace, the work culture usually determines many aspects of relationships. In the general population of working women and women who do not work outside the home, women usually talk more to increase the intimacy of a relationship. Women also tend to use more self-disclosure to gain intimacy. Men tend to be more activity based in their friendships, which produces the same level of intimacy.²² This doesn’t always hold true for all men. When we asked Ron Kirk what conversational topics come up between him and one of his peer mentors, Rodney Ellis (a Texas state senator since 1990), Ron said:

Hilda Solis, also from the world of politics, talked about male and female mentor differences she has seen:

Hilda spoke more specifically about a peer/step-ahead mentor, Gloria Molina, on the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors:

Jacqueline Woods, executive director of the American Association of University Women, and an African American woman, shared her opinions on the role of gender and ethnicity in mentoring relationships. When asked about women mentors in her life, this is what she had to say:

A few women were quite conscious of how their gender was important in their industry. For example, this is the story Martha Coolidge told:

When Linda Sanford was asked about the role gender might play in mentoring relationships, she focused on many of the individual differences she saw in mentoring:

Acknowledging the possibility of gender differences in relationships is a good place to start when thinking about your interactions with someone of a different gender, but the exceptions to the rule also point to the need for finding your mentor’s or protégé’s own style of interaction. Generational differences may also play a role. As we have mentioned previously, Bennis and Thomas’s book Geeks and Geezers underscores the impact of generational differences in the workplace.²³ Mentoring across ethnic lines may have an impact on relationship closeness because of potential cultural differences. For example, cultural differences could affect the use of self-disclosure, how individual explain or attribute the causes of their behavior, and attitudes toward hierarchical versus egalitarian relationships. Of course, how acculturated the group member is will determine whether ethnic differences in relationships become meaningful. Some research has shown that African Americans do not dive into relationships quickly with those of a different ethnicity. Some ethnicities, such as Asian Americans and Latinos, engage in more hierarchical relationships; they may be looking for more power distance in a relationship.²⁴ The way different ethnic groups explain or attribute the causes of their behavior may also differ. Asian Americans may tend to attribute their own good performance more to the efforts of their work group than to their own efforts. There is a caveat in looking at differences. Although these findings illustrate how groups of people may differ from one another, people are individuals, and the commonalities among group members will usually transcend their differences.

We asked our interviewees how race and ethnicity played out in their mentoring relationships and in the general work environment. As Dixie Garr put it:

If you are a protégé or would-be protégé, it is not imperative that you find a mentor of your own ethnicity, but as you look at your network of mentors, there may be something that a mentor who has a similar background to your own might contribute to your career. The same goes for mentors looking for protégés. You may have something specific to contribute to a protégé of the same gender or ethnicity that they may be missing in the career advice they have received thus far.

The last tip on our list, tip 8, mentions knowing when to bring others into your mentoring network. One of the great features of power mentoring is that a protégé is not just stuck with one mentor over time. Power mentoring involves utilizing various mentors at different times from different sources. Both mentor and protégé should be involved in determining when the relationship is not meeting their mutual goals. There are functional reasons for leaving a mentoring relationship, including a move to another part of the country or world. Other functional reasons come from the fact that protégés have outgrown their mentors. Revisiting career goals from time to time and assessing how well your current mentoring relationships are helping in achieving these goals is an important process. In Chapter Seven, we give you some assessment exercises for evaluating the adequacy of current mentoring relationships.

Sometimes, continuing a mentoring relationship may not be feasible if it has become dysfunctional. As many researchers have pointed out, all relationships can go through negative periods. In our interviews we asked participants to talk about any mentoring relationships that had difficulties or that did not work out. As one would expect, the interviewees indicated that they would rather not talk about those relationships. A few could think of relationships that did not end up going anywhere, often because there was a poor mentor-protégé connection, but none talked about finding themselves in a negative relationship. Research suggests that protégés report negative mentoring experiences when the mentor is not skilled, or when they do not share similar values, attitudes, and beliefs with the mentors.²⁵ Other negative experiences include mentors who, according to one source, can be critical, demanding, and authoritarian.²⁶ One can imagine mentors who use their powerful position to haze a protégé as part of the mentoring process. This may include dressing down the protégé for a mistake, either in private or in front of others. One could also imagine mentors who used the mentoring relationship for their own political gain within an organization. Although these negative behaviors sound quite serious, many protégés will find that they occur once in a while, but that the benefits of the relationship outweigh the occasional negative events.

A protégé and a mentor both need to become very concerned in a mentoring relationship when it shows signs of becoming consistently dysfunctional. Some relationships will end in anger and frustration, according to researchers.²⁷ One study noted that the dysfunctional reasons for termination could stem from (1) highly destructive relationships characterized by jealousy and the mentor stifling the protégé’s advancement, (2) dependency and suffocation within the relationship, and (3) lack of support and the mentor’s unrealistic expectations.²⁸ Unfortunately, some dysfunctional relationships will persist. It is incumbent on both the protégé and the mentor to realistically assess the relationship and watch for serious problems. Mentors should steer clear of protégés who are exploitative, egocentric, or deceptive; who engage in sabotage or harassment; who are too submissive; who perform below expectations; or who are unwilling to learn.²⁹ Protégés should avoid (or break off) relationships with mentors who engage in sabotage, ask the protégé to make impossible choices, steal ideas, bully, seek revenge, are exploitative, or engage in other negative actions.³⁰

Mentoring relationships are not to be entered into lightly. They require a commitment of time and energy on the part of both mentor and protégé to produce worthwhile results. They also require prudence, so that dysfunctional situations can be avoided. With the proper levels of commitment and caution, power mentoring can immeasurably enrich your career—and your life.