Many books written about conflict discuss various conflict styles, based on the idea that we each have a dominant way of engaging in conflict. Experience shows us, though, that each of us can use any of these styles and that we choose to use the one that we think will work best. Sometimes, the choice may be unconscious or the result of habit—for example, we always act a certain way when arguing with our sister.
So, no matter our personalities, we shift our approach to conflict and may make poor choices. Knowing some of the approaches will help us to make effective choices.
Four commonly recognized conflict behaviors are:
Aggressive
Nonassertive
Passive-aggressive
Assertive
In considering the profiles of these styles, you can examine the thought process, actions, verbal cues, and how we are responding to conflict when we choose a particular style. In the following profiles, consider several differences you have been involved in recently. See what you can learn about your conflict behavior by checking off different behaviors you have used. Think about what worked best when it comes to preserving and improving positive working relationships.
Pure aggression aims at preserving our rights while attempting to take away the rights of others.
Expressed Attitudes
Verbal Cues
“You must . . .”
“Because I said so . . .”
“You dummy . . .”
“I’m warning you . . .”
We choose aggression when we know we can dominate a person or situation. Sometimes we think of it as a shortcut and make excuses that justify the behavior.
When we use aggression this way, it is often because we feel that we must win at all costs. Sometimes the issue may fade in importance as the conflict unfolds, and the need to win becomes the driving force. We may use intimidation, misuse a position of authority, threaten, or personally attack the individual, rather than attempt to find the best outcome for the situation. This extreme win/lose approach may save time, but the cost can be very high.
Sometimes we cave in to keep the peace or to get a situation over with. This approach also carries a price to be paid later.
Expressed Attitudes
“I must be nice.”
“Don’t make waves. If you do, you won’t be liked.”
“Others have rights, but I don’t.”
“I’m not worthy.”
“I can’t . . .”
“I wish . . .”
“If only I could . . .”
“I’ll never be able to . . .”
“I probably should . . .”
We use nonassertive behavior when we get cold feet at having to face a difficult matter, don’t like saying no for fear of causing hard feelings, or are having a very difficult time making decisions. People using this style may agree externally, while at the same time disagreeing internally. Often, they expect you to guess what they want or what is wrong.
When we approach conflict nonassertively, we are unintentionally “gunnysacking.” That is, we gather grievances over a period of time without responding to them when they occur. We figure that “It’s no big deal” or “That’s okay, I can go along. . . .” But the gunnysack fills, and we become less able to swallow our feelings. At some point, we explode, aggressively dumping the collected grievances on whoever happens to be around. This action is often surprising to us and to whoever is on the receiving end for two reasons:
What caused us to explode often doesn’t seem to be a big deal.
Our switch to aggression is completely beyond what we and others would expect from us.
Passive aggression is a combination of aggression and nonassertive behavior. At first, this style is nonconfrontational, signaling nonassertiveness. Some of us use passive aggression more than others, but we are all guilty when we pretend to let a conflict slide but intend to “fix” it later.
“I’ll pay you now, but you’ll pay me later.”
“Subtle sabotage pays off.”
“Better to be cunning than confrontational.”
“Never show your cards.”
“Don’t let them know what you’re planning.”
Verbal Cues
“Well, if that’s the way you want it . . .”
“I told you so . . .”
“How could you even think that is what I meant?”
“Everyone knows that I was kidding.”
“Who . . . me?”
We are often surprised if someone points out that we are being passive-aggressive. Often, we started out being accommodating or avoiding the conflict altogether, then switched to aggression when we became fed up or decided that maybe we could “win.”
The best way to address passive aggression is to point it out. Try this format: “You had indicated before that this didn’t matter to you, and now it does. Is something different from before, or should we start from where we began?” If you are caught or catch yourself being passive-aggressive, ask yourself the same question. It could be that something you thought you could sacrifice is more important to you than you thought.
If someone uses passive aggression as a consciously chosen strategy, then he or she “gunnysacks,” but with a difference. This person may start out by being accommodating (passive) but will also collect any and all items that could be used against someone at a later date. It is at this point that the aggressive side surfaces, resulting in a gotcha! outcome.
When we use passive aggression as a strategy, we may score some short-term wins, but we pay the long-term price of lost trust.
Being assertive is a way to engage in conflict by standing your ground while being respectful of others. We get better at this approach with practice and by reminding ourselves of how we want to behave before and during conflict situations.
Expressed Attitudes
“I have rights and so do others.”
“People deserve my respect.”
“I may not always win, but I can always manage the situation.”
“It is best to deal with issues as they occur.”
“Mistakes can be corrected.”
Verbal Cues
“What are our options?”
“You’re right, it’s my mistake.”
“What can we do to . . .?”
“I choose to . . .”
“What are the real issues here?“
As we build our assertive behavior skills, we become better at effectively engaging conflict. We choose the approach to conflict that will benefit everyone, without causing harm to ourselves. The ideal is to attempt collaboration (win/win) with the other person. Of course, this is the most difficult result to achieve, so the assertive person is prepared for compromise when necessary. In addition, choosing this behavioral style indicates that we are also capable of accommodation when the issue’s relative importance to the other party can be determined.
Take a look at the checkmarks you made about your conflict choices as you read this chapter. How did you do? Is there a style that you use more than others? Are there situations or people that lead you to choosing a particular style? Are you happy with your choices?