We all want to be able to tell other people what we think of them without getting into trouble. The following seven rules for feedback can help us do this.
Most of us think that we can usually accept constructive criticism if it is delivered the right way. But what is the right way? If you are giving someone feedback at work that wasn’t asked for, chances are you are the boss. This leads us to our first rule of giving feedback.
If you are in charge, the person you are talking to knows it. There is no need to constantly remind him or her of this fact. For many of us, receiving any communication from someone in charge makes us instantly defensive. See what you can do to downplay the differences in position.
The second rule of giving feedback will help you with this goal.
If the communication is important enough to have, then choose a setting where it will be easiest to hear. Important feedback should not be delivered when passing in the hallway or on the elevator, on a noisy shop floor, or in front of a lot of people. If you are in your office, can you set the furniture up to minimize the intimidation factor? Coming around the desk and sitting next to the person can go a long way to reducing some of the tension caused by having to talk with the boss.
Just as designing the setting is important, so is choosing the time. Nobody likes to be ambushed. A good approach is to let the person know that you will be talking about whatever the issue is in advance. A better approach is to schedule the feedback when you schedule the expectation: “We’ll meet every Thursday at 3:00 to go over your progress on this project.”
Of course, in order to do that, you need to follow the fourth rule of giving feedback.
If there are no surprises, then why does the person need feedback? “No surprises” means that clear and specific expectations were set in advance of the feedback session. You have agreed not only to what is expected but also that the feedback will be at a certain time, in a certain structure, and about specific items.
People listen better to feedback when it is clear and concise. If the feedback is about job performance, pick one item to talk about. Try the following format for your feedback:
“We agreed that you would complete_______________ by__________. At this point, you have done__________. We need to__________.”
If the feedback is about some behavior that has upset you, be sure that you are calm and then try this format:
“When you do__________, it makes me feel__________. I need you to do__________ instead.”
There is nothing fancy about these statements. In fact, you want to avoid fancy. Stick to facts as you see them, avoid personal attacks, say your one or two sentences, then be quiet and follow rule number six.
If you stop at rule five, you will have given feedback. If you want the feedback to be heard—and if you want future feedback sessions to go well—you need to speak your piece, ask, “What ideas do you have?” and then be quiet and listen. If you ask the question honestly and are open to alternatives, you may discover new ways to improve the situation.
In order to do this, you need to be willing to listen to feedback from other people. One way to make this easier for you is to agree on the approach to giving and getting feedback with the other person. Share this chapter with people with whom you need to exchange feedback. Stick to the script, forgive yourself and each other if you make mistakes while you are learning, and take some time to follow rule number seven.
Two other questions you are allowed to ask while still keeping feedback simple are, “How did I do?” and “Do you understand?” Checking in with the other person who is giving you feedback or getting it from you is the best way to find out if you are having the effect you desire. Ask these questions and then see rule number six.
Of course, sometimes we still get upset when people give us feedback. Knowing how to handle other people’s anger or frustration is an important skill when giving feedback. Even our best efforts can be answered with anger, and it is nearly impossible to settle differences when emotions are in the way. However, there is a two-step method for dealing with this type of situation.
The Two-Step Method for Dealing with Anger
1. Allow the person to express the emotion. As mentioned previously, it is nearly impossible to resolve an issue when emotions are in the way. Therefore, your first step is to allow the person to express her or his emotion. It is important not to take things personally when attempting this first step.
Using statements like, “I can see you’re upset,” or “I can understand that you’re angry,” should help in this step. Although these statements indicate empathy, they do not necessarily indicate agreement.
2. Deal with the content. After the individual has released his or her anger, you can begin to address the reasons for that feeling. Apologize if you have done something you should apologize for doing. Remind the person of whatever performance or actions you had previously agreed to, solicit ideas for improvement, and listen. Generate solutions together, including a plan for what to do the next time feedback is delivered.
As you will see in Chapter 7, it is not usually helpful to overstrategize when you want to talk someone. It can help, though, to organize your thinking before starting a difficult conversation. Here are some questions to think about before your feedback session.
You may be the nicest person in the world, but if you’re the boss, it is still a little scary to get feedback from you. What can you do to help the other person feel less threatened before, during, and after your feedback session?
Where should you have this conversation? What effect might your choice of setting have on your attitude and on the other person’s attitude?
What can you do to set the stage in advance? Can you e-mail an agenda? Schedule regular sessions for feedback? Ensure that all expectations are very clear?
How can you be sure that your feedback is specific? What is the topic that you need to cover? What clear examples can you give to illustrate successes and shortcomings? What behavior would you like to see going forward? How will you follow up?