Conflict is a fact of life. Every one of us has been involved in conflict and has survived the experience. We all have some idea, then, of how to deal with conflict. We also all know that a conflict ignored does not go away, and—though we may not look forward to it—we also know that it is preferable to figure out how best to deal with the conflict rather than pretend that it will disappear.
It’s easy to think of conflict at work as a bad thing—something to be avoided at all costs. Associated with undesirable behavior, conflict seems to be a characteristic of individuals who can’t get along with others, aren’t team players, or simply don’t fit in. In fact, there are plenty of books and websites that tell us how to work with so-called difficult people.
As you work through the exercises in this book, try to decide what to change about your approaches to conflict in order to make conflict more constructive for you. A good question that I ask myself about difficult people is, “What am I doing that is contributing to making this person difficult?”
Many of us hold strong negative feelings about conflict. When we start a workshop by asking people to speak briefly about their view of conflict, the vast majority say they hate it or avoid it at all costs. What is easy to forget is that we engage in conflict as part of every human activity. Here are some conflict “myths” and “truths” for you to consider:
Myths
• Conflict at work always means that there is something seriously wrong with the company or organization. Not always. When handled effectively, conflict can help people meet their goals and objectives within your team or department, with other departments, and even throughout your entire organization. Constructive conflict even allows us to create new solutions by incorporating ideas from several points of view.
• Conflict means communication has come to a halt. When we know how to positively engage each other in a conflict, it can provide the opportunity for us to clarify issues, create innovative solutions, and strengthen relationships.
• If avoided, conflict will eventually go away. Not usually. Minor issues may sometimes resolve themselves, but more often than not, conflict needs to be addressed in order to be positive.
• All conflicts can be resolved. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? However, because you have different values from others, there will be times when you simply cannot agree on certain issues. So, we make choices about which differences to engage for solutions, which differences to engage for learning, and which differences to leave alone.
• Conflict always results in a winner and a loser. Not true. There are many possible outcomes to a conflict. In fact, when mutual desire exists to resolve the differences, you can increase the chances for a win/win result.
Truths
• Conflict will occur. Without question. It is a natural dynamic when interacting with others. The more important question is what you do with conflict when it occurs.
• Most conflicts can be managed. Well, you can’t fix everything, and you can’t always get what you want. But most, if not all, differences can be engaged in a constructive way. You have at least five options at your disposal: competition, accommodation, avoidance, compromise, and collaboration. Then again, you can always agree to disagree. Most of the time, one of these options will enable you to manage your differences.
• Conflict can help build relationships. This may sound contradictory, but it’s true. In attempting to deal with differences that are important to you, it is possible to strengthen relationships with bosses, peers, and employees. When we know how to work with people in conflict situations, we learn about ourselves, our beliefs, and each other.
• Conflict can be a tool for personal development. In the process of addressing differences, we are exposed to new ideas and have the opportunity to reassess our thinking and how we act on it. Take a few minutes and answer the following questions to begin setting the stage for your learning as you work through this book.
1. With whom are you currently experiencing differences at work?
Boss(es)/upper management?
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Peers?
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Employees?
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2. Recently, what conflicts have you handled well?
Describe the conflict:
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What did you do?
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How did things work out?
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Describe the conflict:
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What did you do?
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How did things work out?
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3. What workplace conflicts have you not handled well?
Describe the conflict:
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What did you do?
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How did things work out?
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4. What do you think would happen if you approached the person(s) you listed?
Name:
What might you say or do?
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What do you think might happen?
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Name:
What might you say or do?
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What do you think might happen?
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If you are unhappy with some of the answers to these questions, use this book to learn more about some of the issues surrounding conflict in the workplace and to learn some tools to help you to address differences as they occur.