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10
The Secret of Powerful Connection

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent.

John Donne
Poet, priest, lawyer

‘I knew I shouldn't have come here. I’m booking a flight home…'

My girlfriend and I had arrived in Maui the night before, and she'd been intoxicated by the beautiful scents, warm breeze and tropical vibe. We'd been feeling close and connected, but the next morning she was cold, panicked and distant. She said, ‘I don't like it. Hawaii's not what I expected. I knew I shouldn't have come here. I’m booking a flight home'.

I could see exactly what was going on. She was feeling agitated and uncomfortable. Her feelings were letting her know about THOUGHT in the moment, but she mistakenly believed they were letting her know about Maui. I flew into damage-limitation mode. ‘Let's go for coffee and you can sort out flights at the cafe’. I was sure that, by the time we'd driven to the coffee shop, the sight of long sandy beaches, surfers and swaying palm trees would have changed her mind.

But I was wrong. As the minutes passed, her mood grew worse and she started blaming me for it. ‘I knew this was a mistake. Why did I listen to you? This is what always happens’. Now I was starting to get annoyed. I love Maui. Why couldn't she see how amazing it was? What was I doing here with this moody woman? I hope she does get a flight home so I can relax and enjoy this exotic corner of paradise. By this time I was feeling angry, frustrated and disconnected. And that's when the voice of wisdom whispered in my ear…

‘Where do you believe your feelings are coming from? Do you think they're letting you know about her?’

The realization hit me in a flash. I'd been doing exactly the same thing she was. My girlfriend had been feeling THOUGHT in the moment, but she'd been blaming those feelings on Maui. I'd been feeling THOUGHT in the moment, but I'd been blaming those feelings on my girlfriend. The feelings of peace, humility and connection came rushing back to me as I fell out of contaminated thinking and into the moment. I was struck with a sense of awe and respect for the compelling nature of the outside-in deception, and the wisdom and intelligence of the principles behind clarity. I'd fallen out of the illusion of disconnection and landed in the fact of connection. You see…

You're always connected, to everything and everyone…

Whether you realize it or not…

My heart went out to her. She was a long way from home, and she was feeling insecure. She was caught up in an illusion that had been fooling me too until just moments before. My position of judgement and justified anger had been replaced with love and compassion. I didn't say anything, but I could see her innocence in the face of the outside-in misunderstanding. A moment later, she fell out of it too. ‘Don't mind me, I’m just being silly'. The storm which had been threatening to destroy our holiday had passed, and the sunshine of clarity and connection had emerged.

We all live and work in a matrix of relationships, and in one way or another, many of our results are reliant on other people. As technology makes our world more tangibly connected, social and emotional intelligence are becoming more important than ever. The experience of connection is like ‘WD40’ for impactful relationships. By the time you've finished this chapter, you'll understand where the experience of connection comes from, what gets in the way of it, and how to experience effortless connection more of the time, in the situations where it matters.

Where does connection come from?

We've each had the experience (even if only occasionally) of feeling deeply connected with ourselves, with another person and even with life itself. And everyone's had the experience (even if only occasionally) of feeling isolated, disconnected and alone. Both of these polarities are universal aspects of the human experience, and an understanding of them is incredibly powerful when it comes to relationships. To understand where connection comes from, we're going to be drawing a distinction between the experience of connection and the fact of connection:

DISTINCTION: The fact of connection vs the experience of connection

In his fascinating video, A Universe From Nothing, cosmologist Lawrence Krauss gives a brilliant, eloquent and elegant proof that the universe has arisen from nothing; from a sea of formless energy. The fact is that we're each made of the ‘nothingness’ from which the universe sprang. On one level, we can experience ourselves as separate from each other, and distinct from our physical environment. This is a practical matter. But on another level, we are all made of this same formless energy. Like waves in an ocean, we are all part of the same undivided wholeness. Just as waves don't leave the ocean and ‘go solo’, we are never disconnected from this infinite ocean of energy. This is the fact of connection.

The experience of connection is often described as a feeling of love and closeness combined with rapport. People sometimes say ‘we just clicked’ or describe themselves as being on the same wavelength.

The felt experience of connection is an expression of the fact of connection…
You become aware of it when there's nothing getting in the way.

The thing that tends to get in the way is contaminated thinking arising from the outside-in misunderstanding. The experience of connection rapidly evaporates when we lose ourselves in contaminated thinking. But the moment we insightfully see the inside-out nature of life, we fall out of our contaminated thinking and wake up to reality. As we return to the present moment, we find ourselves back in the experience of connection with our true nature, with other people, and with life as a whole.

A sense of connection is the ‘transformation superhighway’ when it comes to impact. When you're in the experience of connection…

You ‘carry your credibility’, giving the other person a powerful and unique experience of who they really are.
You make it easier for people both to like you and to find commonalities with you, increasing your influence.
You can impact a person or group deeply, with each of you being guided by wisdom.
You're more available to insight; fresh new thinking that can help you and the people you're impacting.
You can drop your agenda and allow the conversation to unfold, increasing your credibility in the process.
You're in the space for genuine transformation.

The experience of connection is natural when there's nothing else in the way. But the fact of connection is constant, even when you're not aware of it. And here's the great thing: as you insightfully realize connection as a pre-existing fact, the experience of connection becomes deeper and more frequent.

IMPLICATION: Separate realities

Remember: your feelings are giving you feedback about the ‘glasses’ you're wearing, not who or what you're looking at. How you perceive other people is always consistent with your own level of clarity in the moment…

When you're feeling frustrated, other people often appear to be the source of that frustration.
When you're feeling appreciative, other people may appear to be a source of blessings.
When you're feeling angry, the chances of another person seeming like the source of that anger are pretty high.

We each live in a separate, THOUGHT-generated perceptual reality. We're living in a THOUGHT-generated experience, but it often seems as though our feelings are letting us know about something other than THOUGHT. In fact, it often seems as though our feelings are telling us about another person. But that's not possible, at the level of principle. Your feelings are letting you know about what's happening in your perception.

The CLARITY^® Relationship Quadrant provides a simple way of understanding this…

Clarity relationship quadrant shows four zones:
clarity and contamination: Compassion
clarity and clarity: Connection
Contamination and contamination: Conflict
Contamination and clarity: Compassion — **Figure 10.1:** The CLARITY^® Relationship Quadrant

1. The Zone of Conflict

Bob and Jane feel angry at each other. Their angry feelings are letting each of them know they're wearing their angry-goggles; that THOUGHT in the moment is taking an angry form. But each of them mistakenly believes their feelings are telling them about the other person. They're in The Zone of Conflict.

2. The Zone of Connection

Bob and Jane have a big shouting match, followed by passionate make-up sex. In the heat of the moment, their heads clear, and they start feeling deeply connected to each other.

3. The Zone of Compassion (1)

Later on, Bob starts getting upset again, but Jane still feels connected and clear-headed. She sees that Bob has just lost his bearings, and her heart goes out to him, full of compassion.

4. The Zone of Compassion (2)

The next day, Bob wakes up with a clear head. He goes to Jane to apologize for his hasty words the night before, but she's in a rush to get out the door and snaps at him. He sees that Jane has lost her bearings. He feels compassion for her, seeing the innocence in the ebb and flow of her thinking.

The CLARITY^® Relationship Quadrant is very simple. It works on the basis that:

Your feelings are always letting you know about THOUGHT taking form in your experience, moment to moment.
That other people will appear to be consistent with your THOUGHT-generated perceptual reality.
That when neither participant has clarity, it's a recipe for conflict.
That when one person in a relationship has clarity, it creates space for the other person to start finding clarity too.

This is incredibly encouraging news; it means that clarity in your relationships starts with you.

After our rocky start, my girlfriend and I ended up having a wonderful result: we shared three weeks in Maui, and enjoyed plenty of fun, adventure and connection. While we've since gone out separate ways, we both look back on it as one of our favourite adventures together. When your head clears and you fall out of La-la Land, you discover that you have what you need in the moment. So how can you learn to rely on that clarity emerging when and where you need it?

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Table of Contents for 10 The Secret of Powerful Connection

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Where does connection come from?

1. The Zone of Conflict

2. The Zone of Connection

3. The Zone of Compassion (1)

4. The Zone of Compassion (2)

Table of Contents for
10 The Secret of Powerful Connection