What a time to be alive. No matter when you are reading this book, likely you are experiencing some kind of changes and shifts such that a book about pushing back is even on your radar. I am so glad you are here! We all need the skill to push back and appropriately challenge. It is indeed essential to getting what we need and want in our lives. Doing it isn't easy, though, and since it is something I work with clients on regularly, I thought it might be useful to collect some of the most common ideas and tactics in one place for anyone to reference.

I am writing this in 2021, following the unforgettable year, 2020, when dual pandemics swept the globe: the COVID‐19 viral pandemic and a race, identity, and social justice pandemic after the widely publicized murder of George Floyd. These two major events called everything into question, from how we work, to how we communicate, to how we understand identity. Conversations about identity, race, and politics became more commonplace, but also more complex. In an attempt to provide some guidance and support for what would turn out to be the start of a massive culture shift, I wrote my first book, titled Allies and Advocates: Creating an Inclusive and Equitable Culture, which released at the end of 2020. Allyship and advocacy were suddenly topics everyone wanted to understand as folks came to grips with the fallout after the murder of George Floyd and the desire to show up for marginalized and oppressed people came with questions like “How do I serve as an ally?” I wrote Allies and Advocates as an answer to that question. The book takes an exploratory walk through terminology common to the inclusion and equity space and through definitions, activities, and real‐world examples, helps folks understand what steps are necessary to be an ally and an advocate. It's a great place to start if you are new to the inclusion and equity space.

In the time since the release of Allies and Advocates, I have started to notice some new trends in the inclusion and equity space. Most notably, while some have felt more empowered to speak up and try to serve as allies and advocates for themselves, their communities, and people experiencing oppression, others have slunk to the false safety of silence, snarky comments, and data consumption without taking any real‐world action. The latter isn't just unhelpful, it's problematic. Inclusion and equity work is an ongoing series of behavior and mindset shifts that move our culture forward over time. Either you are on board or you are an obstacle. If you are on board you should expect to be in a perpetual state of learning, growing, taking feedback, and evolving your perspectives and behaviors as to what inclusion and equity mean in modern times. Being on board means recognizing there is not a destination, there is not a good enough, there is always, always a way to be better – a better ally, a more inclusive leader, an advocate for someone, a learner, a teacher, a partner in ensuring equitable experiences are accessible for an all that is always evolving.

If we want inclusion to stop being a hypothetical and mythical place to aspire to, we have to be willing to activate it in the real world. In this follow‐up to Allies and Advocates, I hope to help you see how your learnings apply to real‐life, day‐to‐day interactions. This book is full of examples that have been plucked from reality. Where Allies and Advocates was an introductory and instructional guidebook aiming to transfer foundational knowledge and to define the basics of allyship, advocacy and being inclusive, Say More About That … And Other Ways to Speak Up, Push Back, and Advocate for Yourself and Others is the practicum, where you learn by doing. This book will have plenty of questions to consider and tactics to employ, but the approach in this book is geared more toward working your muscles around inclusion, rather than affirming the core knowledge essential to being an ally and an advocate. Speaking up is a muscle.

My Story – How'd I Get So Good at Speaking Up?

Usually after someone witnesses me pushing back about something, they ask me how I got so good at doing it. It is funny because I don't even think much about it; I just do it. Who we are truly is a combination of our life experiences, and honestly, with my upbringing, a lot of times I had to speak up or go without. I also always was concerned about fairness, even as a child. I wanted the same things everyone else had. I didn't like when I got less of anything because I was a girl or younger or smaller or whatever arbitrary measure folks used, so I learned early to challenge and question.

The first time I remember deliberately challenging something was when I was in grade school. I always struggled with the letter “z” because it was the only letter that didn't have an ascender or descender (like letters “b” or “j”) that opened facing the opposite direction of the other letters. Letters “e,” “r,” and, probably most notably, “s” all opened facing the same direction. It made no sense that “z” went the other way. Even when I would be reading and come across a z, it looked backward to me. So, at some point, before first grade, I started writing them the opposite way; the way they looked correct to me. I was a pretty good student and had good grades, and teachers would just circle my z's to show me they were wrong. I hardly ever lost points for it – until about halfway through second grade. My teacher literally told me one day, “This homework deserves an A, and I am going to give you an A this time, but the next time I see a backwards z in your work, the whole paper will fail.” I tried explaining my logic, but the teacher didn't want to hear it. My teacher shared with me that she meant what she'd said and sent me home with a note for me to give to my mother expressing what she'd told me about my z's.

My mother sat me down and asked me, “Why do you write your z's backwards?” She said, “Many teachers have mentioned it and they were not concerned because they expected that you would have corrected it by now. This teacher thinks you are doing it on purpose.”

“I am doing it on purpose,” I explained. Then, I told her why. I remember her listening and then smiling and saying, “That makes sense. In life, though, the thing that makes sense to us isn't always how it's going to work out. It is okay to try, but sometimes we should pick our battles. Maybe since everyone in the world does it this way and already understands it, it is okay for you to let this battle go.” Needless to say, I did, and my z's are written correctly – though, secretly, I still question why the letter goes that way.

My upbringing was not without flaws; I grew up in a single‐parent home and there was a litany of obstacles between then and now that I have encountered to make it to where I am today. Just like many of you, I have my wounds from the journey, because, after all, no one makes it to adulthood without scars. Growing up, I do remember my mother usually being willing to listen to my logic and ideas, though. I remember her challenging teachers when I told her I didn't think I was being treated fairly. I also remember her encouraging me to ask questions of folks with authority, like at visits to the doctor or dentist. I accompanied her to parent–teacher conferences, where I recall most parents attended without their kids. If I had to guess, I imagine my willingness to speak up started with my mother always encouraging me to speak up in situations like these, starting when I was under the age of 10.

As I got older, I continued to stand up for myself on all kinds of things. From pushing back on college professors' grading scales to calling the cell phone company about errors on my bill, I learned early that if you don't say anything, it can cost you. When you are younger it costs you grades and a few extra bucks on a small bill, but the costs add up as you age to include bigger and more costly losses. Not speaking up can cost you the respect of those around you, it can cost you the equity of being paid fairly, and it can even cost you access to opportunity – all because you didn't say anything. I don't know about you, but I want all the options, the choices, the vastness of chance, so I am going to ask for them! And when the answer is no, I am going to ask why. I am going to always press for equity and will not hesitate to adjust how I spend my time, presence, or dollars in lieu of contributing to injustice in any way. There have been some losses because I pushed back – some jobs, some friends, some opportunities – but nothing that was worth holding on to when I look back and truly consider how I was being treated.

I will be candid: I had to learn how to push back. In my younger years, I'd get frustrated and loud and snappy when I identified an injustice. My quick‐witted snarky responses impacted me in some tough ways; I struggled to get promoted in companies and at one point was suspended for how I spoke to a leader. A couple of romantic relationships ended because of how I talked to my boyfriend. I had to learn how to speak up, and it took some years, but now I know just how to appropriately push back without doing the kind of damage that can hold me back. I understand now that there is a way to say anything and have it land well, even if it stings a little.

I also understand that when I don't speak up and I let things slide, it doesn't impact just me – it impacts many other things I may not immediately see, because we are all a part of the system. The turbulence of recent years has a lot of folks talking about the systems we operate in and the bias that shows up in them. From human resources, to technology, to the government – folks are becoming better able to understand how systems and the processes within those systems can oppress different types of people. Although in some cases you hear about calls to address the many biases and the discrimination folks are uncovering, other times folks say nothing, and whatever the systemic problems are, they just continue. The longer a problem goes on, the more folks it can impact and, for me, that usually makes me want to speak up.

Speaking up about every single thing is unreasonable – we'd never be able to move forward in life that way. So, I try to speak up in three main circumstances in my own life. They are as follows:

1. When I am not being treated fairly. I have to protect myself, so I always speak up when I am not being included or am experiencing inequity.
2. When I notice someone else isn't being treated fairly and I have the ability to speak up. When I say ability, I mean that I am able to say something and I am not risking being physically or emotionally harmed or attacked. This one is tricky because in 2021, folks like to pretend that hurt feelings are actual harm. The fact is, feelings are going to get hurt just living everyday life!
3. When I have the power or influence to change whatever is going on. I am always open to making adjustments to include folks or be more equitable with anything I control or have a say over.

It is possible that you did not have a parent who gave you the permission as a child to ask questions, challenge the status quo, or query authority figures. If you didn't build the muscle young, it is not too late. You still can start to push back, and the three areas above might be good starting points to give you an idea of where and when you should speak up. As you read, you will learn skills and tactics to help you know what and how to say things when the opportunity to speak up arises – even if you have to do it scared.

Speaking of scared, speaking up takes consistent practice and bravery. Although most of my friends consider speaking up to be a core part of my identity, I still get nervous about doing it. I get that weird feeling in my belly or my chest, too. At times, I too have to take a moment to figure out the right approach and the right words for each moment. I get better and better the more I push through and do it, though. The same is true for you; the more you speak up and advocate for yourself and others, the easier it becomes to spot when something isn't right and to actually build up the nerve to say something to address it.

Allies and Advocates Must Master Taking Action

In Allies and Advocates, I cover speaking up as one of the actions that are critical for anyone to consider themselves an ally or an advocate. Specifically, I remind folks that speaking up is a brave thing. When you decide it is important to action on inclusion and equity, you will discover a number of opportunities to speak up, and a number of them will feel challenging. Think about how many times you have suffered bad service in a restaurant and simply said to yourself, “I just won't be back.” A good amount of the time we will not speak up for ourselves, let alone speak up for others. We aren't brave enough to get past the idea that it is going to be a challenging discussion, so we will settle for unfair treatment, often out of fear of confrontation. What we fail to consider when we make these compromises is that the person who treats us poorly will continue, often oblivious, to mistreat other people. There is nothing inclusive or equitable about that.

It doesn't matter how many programs, speakers, and toolkits you build or buy. Inclusion and equity cannot be purchased or manufactured by outside consultants. Each individual person who is a part of a culture or community must act on inclusion and equity for them to happen. Whether in the workplace or in the nation, the path to inclusion and equity requires that you change how you behave, and everyone else around you has to be willing to do the same. Learning inclusive and equitable behaviors is not something you pick up in a book or training. It is something you learn by participating in a culture where you give feedback (which requires you to speak up) and you receive feedback (which requires those around you to speak up). You can't move toward inclusive and equitable treatment without people speaking up. You won't know if you are mispronouncing someone's name if they do not speak up. No one knows if they are gendering you incorrectly if you do not speak up. I won't know that a behavior was culturally inappropriate if no one tells me. The failure to push back, speak up, and challenge ideas leads to costly reputation damage every single day. Consider these few incidents over the past few years:

• In 2019, luxury fashion house Gucci received backlash for its turtleneck jumper with a balaclava cutout around the mouth, lined with oversized red lips that resembled blackface. Gucci removed the $890 item from its online and physical locations and issued an apology. Blackface, a type of performance where a white person applies black makeup to mock Black people, has a long and troublesome history in the United States especially, but has also been performed in other parts of the world as well. What might have happened instead if someone had spoken up at the product shoot about the design, or perhaps even someone on the design team had spoken up earlier?
• Snickers launched an ad in Spain in which a Spanish influencer flamboyantly orders a drink, obviously flirting with the waiter. They then take a bite of a Snickers ice cream bar and turn into a traditionally masculine man. The ad was pulled after being criticized as homophobic. What might have happened if someone had spoken up during the review of the commercial's script?
• Facebook users watched a video featuring Black men in altercations with white civilians and police officers. Users who watched the video saw an automated prompt from the social network that asked if they would like to “keep seeing videos about primates,” although the video had no primates in it. Facebook claims its artificial intelligence (AI) software incorrectly categorized the video, but consider for a moment where AI learns how and what to categorize. What might have happened if someone of influence had raised some concerns about how technology wasn't inclusive with the AI product?

Speaking up is often where inclusion starts, and it is always going to be how it moves forward. I know speaking up can be risky. In any of the situations just presented, someone could be afraid to speak up because they are afraid of losing their job. Concerns about losing one's job or otherwise being in some sort of danger are valid, and if that is your circumstance, you probably do not feel confident about your ability to speak up. If you are at a company that is not committed to actually being inclusive or shifting their culture, then your ability to push back is absent. There are no tactics to manage that. I encourage everyone to consider their personal circumstances and needs alongside the recommendations and techniques in this book. You should always prioritize your safety and well‐being.

That said, inclusion and equity cannot happen without speaking up. That's likely a tough pill to swallow for some folks, but it is true. Every time I teach speaking up in the courses I facilitate, folks express all kinds of concerns around it. I hear concerns like, “How do I speak up with my leader?” and “What if I am the only woman in the room?” Sometimes the concern is that folks don't know what to say or are afraid to be the only one doing the challenging. The consistent questions around how to speak up and what to say is exactly why I decided to tackle this topic as the follow‐up to Allies and Advocates. There are ways to speak up for yourself and for others that don't have to mean you are ruining your reputation or career. There are also obstacles that I hear, over and over, to folks speaking up that you can manage and appropriately challenge, so let's discuss some of those.

What Gets in the Way: Obstacles to Speaking Up

In the work I do, I hear a lot of people saying they want their workplaces, kids' schools, and communities to be more inclusive, but when inclusion isn't happening, people are not saying anything about it. When someone does something patently exclusive or even offensive, no one is holding anyone accountable. Everyone is just sitting by while all kinds of inequitable behaviors unfold. Folks are allowing people to talk over others in meetings. Folks are laughing off or ignoring racist microaggressions. People are opting to ignore when people are repeatedly using the wrong pronouns. In fact, sometimes it seems like folks are more apt to pull their phones out and record an incident, or talk to their friends and colleagues about something that happened, than to speak up in the moment. By no means am I suggesting that anyone should put themselves in harm's way, but far too often folks are sitting by silently when inappropriate and noninclusive behaviors are happening that could be interrupted if someone simply spoke up. I am often asked questions like “what should I say?” or “how do I handle it when … ?” about inequitable or noninclusive behaviors, and often it comes down to a few things that cause people to get hung up and to stay silent:

• Understanding: This might sound like “I don't know if I understand/agree/believe that disabled people face discrimination, so I am just going to be quiet.”
• Accountability: This might sound like “I don't think my leader understands/agrees/believes in inclusion, so I don't know how to hold them accountable for not being inclusive.”
• Fear: This might sound like “I am afraid to say something in case it is the wrong thing to say.”
• Discomfort: This might sound like “I am uncomfortable talking about racial equity.” Or it can sound like “I am afraid of making others uncomfortable by addressing inequitable behaviors.”
• Time: This might sound like “I don't have the time to correct every single person I encounter.” Or it can sound like “We are moving so quickly, I don't have the time to be inclusive.”

I get it. Each of these can feel like a lot to take on. Plus, when you consider our busy personal lives and the totally bizarre times folks all around the globe are experiencing since the pandemic changed our lives in 2020, inclusion and equity can sometimes seem like a tad too much to take on. Believe it or not, though, all of these obstacles keeping us silent are things that we can get out of the way of us being inclusive, and while it will take some work, it isn't the kind of labor you think. In fact, in Part II of this book, we are going to talk about how to overcome the five obstacles I listed in this section, all with tactics that you can put into action right away.

How This Book Is Structured

I recognize that in the work of inclusion we all can wear a myriad of hats. Sometimes we are marginalized, sometimes we are allies or advocates, and sometimes with the richness in our identities we can be a little of each. I worked to frame everything from as many perspectives as I could. So as you read and find in some places that you are on the side of privilege and power and operating as an ally or an advocate, there are techniques and resources for you. If you find in other places that you are marginalized, there are techniques and resources for you, too. Inclusion and equity belong to all of us, so I tried to make this book one that anyone can pick up and find resources within.

This book is split into three parts. Part I: Getting Grounded in the Fundamentals is focused on introducing or reintroducing some of the foundational language and concepts of inclusion. While speaking up and pushing back are not always connected to inclusion, usually they are connected to some perceived inequity. Understanding foundational concepts and language around inclusion and equity is helpful. Additionally, I work to go a step beyond core definitions and get into some of the nuance in each concept. We will cover inclusion, equity, bias, privilege, and a few others that you have probably heard of but perhaps have not considered in the depth that they will be explored in this book.

Part II: Understanding the Landscape is focused on understanding the landscape that we are navigating when it comes to speaking up. Here we will dig into some of the common concerns about speaking up, like the kinds of obstacles you might encounter and how your personal culture and American culture can make speaking up hard, and explore critical communication tools and mindsets that can help you push past the obstacles that commonly arise. This section of the book will help make the last part of the book actionable.

Part III: Language and Tactics is about giving you the words and the techniques to use when you need to speak up. In this section of the book you will find scripts you can use for some common circumstances where speaking up or pushing back is important for you to thrive, be inclusive, and bring equity to life. You will also find techniques to help you pivot when speaking up enflames a situation and how to exit a conversation with grace.

Candidly, this book won't cover every scenario. My hope is that I have put together a resource that will help you fortify your role as an ally, an advocate, and a champion of inclusion and equity with language that helps you confidently challenge and shift perspectives in the workplace, at home, and in your day‐to‐day life. I hope you find strength and confidence where they are thin, and that you also grow to see disagreements or differences in perspectives as opportunities you can manage instead of circumstances to shrink under.

Let's get started.