YOUR JOB

Society places a significance on the work and occupation of each individual, and often tries to group or stereotype people based on this. This filters down to an individual level, where many people still define themselves by their jobs and judge others using the same. How many times have you met someone new and the first thing they ask is: ‘So what do you do?’ We spend a lot of hours in our week at work. But at the end of the day, your job is just a job. It does not define your worth or who you are. It does not determine how intelligent or worthy or important you are. No matter what field you are in or where you work, you have value.

OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS

We have all struggled with wanting to be accepted by others. We want to feel liked, respected and acknowledged by the people around us and, unfortunately, in a lot of cases, by people we don't know online. If we base our lives and our actions on pleasing others, we lose focus on staying true to ourselves and showcasing who we truly are. Similarly, if you define yourself by the number of likes you get or how many followers you have on social media, you will never be satisfied or feel ‘good enough’, as your worth is based on arbitrary numbers from people online. You are never going to please or be liked by everyone, so why not be the most authentic version of yourself.

YOUR AGE

Have you ever thought to yourself that you're ‘too young’ or ‘too old’ for something? Or maybe you've dreaded a birthday in the fear of getting older? We are conditioned to view our age as a defining factor of who we are and what we can or cannot do. We grow up being told that there is a particular timeline that our lives should follow, and that we should achieve certain things by certain ages or else we have ‘missed the boat’. The truth is, there are no rules you have to follow. There are no age limitations on when you can do something. Stop constructing your whole life around your age and focus on living your life on your own terms.

YOUR INCOME

Your income or the amount of money you have does not define who you are. Society and social media portray a false narrative of defining our self-worth, success and happiness by the amount of money we earn or have. We all have different values and goals when it comes to money. We also all come from different backgrounds, with different circumstances, privileges and opportunities. Money provides a level of comfort, security and options. But it does not determine whether or not you are a good or happy person. What is important is that you foster a positive relationship with your money and use it to work towards your personal financial goals.

YOUR ACADEMIC EDUCATION

The pathways to a happy and successful life are endless, and they do not solely rely on a formal education, such as university or college. In many cases, the value you bring in your work life and career will be the result of your skills and experience, regardless of your formal education. You should not define yourself by your level of education, and nor should you look down on others who do not share the same level of education as you.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Whether you are single, in a relationship, separated or divorced does not define the person who you are. Having a partner does not mean that you are happier, more successful or have a better life. You can accomplish amazing things and be single. You can do the same and be in a relationship. Do not diminish or elevate your self-worth based on your relationship status. Take the opportunity to be the best version of yourself as an individual.

YOUR PAST MISTAKES

Your past mistakes and failures provide you with experiences and lessons you can take forward into your life. They don't define who we are or what we can go on to be. The weight of our past mistakes can hold us back from taking steps forward in our present life. While your past experiences, family life and the challenges and adversity you faced in your life shape your development, they do not define your current self.

For example, if you define yourself by a previous relationship and the mistakes you made, you are failing to acknowledge the effort you put in to heal and grow from the experience. Holding on to the past instead of looking forward towards future possibilities will hold you back from believing you are capable and going after new opportunities.

WHAT DOES DEFINE YOU

Here are some things that do define you:

• how you treat yourself, your partner, friends and family
• how you treat strangers
• your attitude
• your habits and routines
• your thoughts and actions
• your morals and values
• your kindness.

ASSESS YOUR FEELINGS

Our minds have a way of using guilt as a cover for other deeper feelings, such as low self-esteem, resentment or anxiety. Instead of feeling confident in your decision to stay home on a Friday night to rest, you may feel anxious that your friends will think you're a selfish or bad person. This anxiety results in feelings of guilt. The next time you feel guilty, think about the root cause making you feel this way, and question the validity and accuracy of these feelings.

ACCEPT YOUR PAST

We all make mistakes along the way, so there is no reason to hold on to these feelings. Take time to reflect on your past mistakes and experiences. Accept that these have occurred in the past and give yourself permission to let go of any guilt that you may still be holding on to. It’s time to focus on the present moment and opportunities instead.

OWN YOUR DECISIONS

If you make a decision, it is your responsibility to own it. You are setting these boundaries, taking a break, saying ‘no’ or prioritising your goals for a reason. When you start feeling guilty about a decision you have made, remember why you made it in the first place. Take control of the decision, and be confident in the reasons behind it.

CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE

We often overthink decisions or issues and struggle to see the bigger picture around us. Something small may seem larger than it is until you look at it from a new perspective. If you feel guilty about a mistake or changing plans on someone, take a step back and ask yourself if your guilt makes sense. It may also be helpful to ask yourself: ‘What would I tell a friend in a similar scenario?’

DEVELOP EMPOWERING SELF-TALK

The thoughts you continually keep are the ones that will manifest into your life. The guilt of not replying to a text immediately or for taking a break or for asking for help is the result of you thinking: ‘Am I being rude?’ or ‘I'll never get this done’ or ‘I am not good enough’. When we reframe these limiting beliefs into empowering beliefs, we start to reprogram our minds into accepting the reasoning behind our actions and removing the guilt associated with them. Change these thoughts to: ‘I'm prioritising my own wellbeing’ or ‘I will do my best to get this done’ or ‘I'm still learning and improving’.

DON'T QUESTION YOUR PRIORITIES

Feeling guilty often leads us to question and become flexible with our priorities. You have made your priorities clear for a reason. Keep these at the front of your mind when making decisions, and don't second guess or question their importance. You do not need to justify or rationalise what you choose to put first.

KNOW YOUR WORTH

To be truly confident, you must know your worth and how much you bring to the table. Once we are able to believe in ourselves and accept our strengths and weaknesses, we develop the confidence to get through any life situation. Practise gratitude and engage in positive self-talk. Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Stop comparing yourself to others and embrace what makes you unique.

LOOK BACK ON HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME

Thinking about past successes or something you are proud of is a quick and effective tool to push you out of a low-confidence state. Re-live the moment when you achieved an accomplishment, remind yourself of the actions you took, how it felt during the process and how you achieved that outcome. Reminding yourself of how much you have achieved and of all the challenges you have overcome in the past helps to re-frame your mind to think in a more positive way.

USE POSITIVE BODY LANGUAGE

Your body language is a tell-tale sign of whether you are feeling confident or are in a state of low confidence. When we think about a confident person, we imagine them sitting up straight or standing up tall with their shoulders back, and walking with purposeful strides. This is for good reason. Projecting confident body language can help our minds believe that we are confident. An extension of this is in the clothes you wear. Dress up for you, not for others. Wearing an outfit you love and feel good in can dramatically increase your confidence.

AVOID TOXICITY

Take yourself out of any toxic environment or relationship that is putting you down and negatively impacting your self-confidence. If you have a friend who always has a negative comment to make about you, set up boundaries and distance yourself from interacting with them. Same goes for that one family member who constantly judges your career or life choices.

UTILISE VISUALISATION

Visualisation is a powerful technique that is used by self-confident people on their journey to success. It involves regularly thinking about achieving your goal and how you made it happen. This sends a message to your brain that achieving this goal has already happened, so when you are faced with the scenario in real life, your brain is already familiar with the situation and approaches it with certainty and confidence. For more on this, see the discussion on goal setting in chapter 12.

FIND YOUR SUPPORT CIRCLE

While confidence should come from within, the people we surround ourselves with play an important role in pushing us along in times of need. No matter what you are trying to achieve, surround yourself with people who give you confidence and positive support. This might be that one friend who understands your goals and is cheering you on along the way; joining a group of similar-minded people who support each other; or finding a mentor/coach who can be there to guide you and push you to become the best version of yourself.

DAILY CELEBRATIONS

• Remind yourself of your favourite qualities.
• List five things you're proud of yourself for.
• Pick up your favourite sweet or a fresh bunch of flowers.
• Accept compliments by saying ‘thank you’ instead of deflecting them.
• Get dressed up in your favourite outfit.
• Do something that makes you happy.

WEEKLY CELEBRATIONS

• Schedule a pamper night.
• Reflect on the work/task you completed and your progress towards your goals.
• Take yourself out on a solo date.
• Take a day off just to ‘do nothing'.

YEARLY CELEBRATIONS

• Make that purchase that you have been saving for all year (as long as it aligns with your financial goals and values).
• Book yourself a holiday or weekend away with your partner/friends/family.
• Reflect on everything you have accomplished in the past year.