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Why Taking it Easy is Hard

Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to relax? For something that's supposed to be enjoyable, slowing down can actually cause a great deal of discomfort to someone who's used to being on the go all the time. Try it now. Close your eyes for a few moments, and try to completely relax your body and quiet your mind. See how long it takes for your brain to start wandering to your ever-expanding to-do list or other worries of the day.

Without practice, taking it easy is hard work. We've spent a long time training our brains and bodies to become accustomed to consistent surges of stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol; they provide us with fuel to get things done throughout the day. When we attempt to slow down and let go of our concerns, we can feel mild to moderate depression. We lose stimulation, which triggers an underlying fear that we won't have the energy we need to get things done—again boosting stress hormones in response. This creates a vicious cycle: We start to worry about not worrying, and suddenly we're relieved to be worrying—ah, that feels better.

Although we recognize that chronic stress can be hazardous to our health—even with the best intentions and the necessary knowledge to resolve it—we can find it nearly impossible to let go. Our codependent relationship with stress is just one example of a scenario in which knowing what to do and doing it are two very different things. We therefore need more than just the answers to create lasting behavior change; we need to be able to incorporate those answers into our lifestyle in a sustainable way. All of which requires energy.

Most of us do a terrible job of balancing our energy management budget. As I described in my book The SHARP Solution: A Brain-Based Approach for Optimal Performance, your brain acts as the conductor of your energy. Like the chief financial officer (CFO) of an organization, your brain keeps a steady watch on your energy balance to make sure you have the capacity you need to meet survival demands. At the most basic level, this means keeping an adequate supply of glucose (blood sugar) and oxygen distributed regularly to the cells for energy production. In times of a shortage, the brain triggers a cascade of physiological responses to conserve energy throughout the body, fueling only the most critical functions, such as your heart and lungs. When energy levels are low, it becomes difficult to convince the conservative brain that excess expenditures like being patient, loving, and kind are important amid the chaos.

The more we use up our energy throughout the day without refueling, the more our mindset becomes stuck on a perspective of inadequacy or deficiency. Add to that the feeling that we never have enough time to get things done, and we further incite our protective mechanisms. Nothing is more stressful to the human brain than the fear of running out of resources. The mere potential of this occurrence increases stress levels, thereby demanding even more energy from an already depleted system. That's when we can find ourselves physically tired but mentally wired as our bodies attempt to compensate by revving up our stress response.

This push-pull relationship between what we want to do (our heart) and what we need to do (our brain) is why I have come to consider my brain my frenemy. Although it has the potential to fuel my growth and success in challenging times, if I'm not treating it right, it quickly shows me who's boss.

Your CFO Brain versus Your CEO Heart

Depending on how you treat it, your brain can be your best friend or your worst enemy. It can lead you swiftly to your most precious goals and aspirations, or it can derail your journey.

I used an analogy in my last book that bears repeating here, because it paints a clear and helpful picture as to why it can be so difficult to do the things we know we should do. When it comes to our energy management and decision making, there are two leaders of our human operating system. As mentioned previously, the brain acts like a CFO, responsible for managing our most valuable resources. The heart, which keeps us connected to what's most important to us and steers us toward our most critical missions in life, is like our chief executive officer (CEO).

Throughout the day, the brain receives chemical messages from different parts of the body that provide consistent updates on our current energy status. Do we have enough glucose and oxygen to fuel energy production? Are we consuming enough water to keep our cells hydrated? Does our heart feel enough purpose to inspire our spirit? Do we perceive that we have the support of those around us should things take a turn for the worse? If we're running on all cylinders and strategically managing our energy, the brain can allocate resources to make choices and even create new habits of both thought and behavior. However, if we're running low on energy or trying to get by on fumes, the brain quickly switches into conservation mode, fueling only the most essential functions, such as heartbeat and breathing. We should be grateful to our conservative CFO brain, because that type of diligence is the reason that our ancestors were able to survive in times of famine. But when we've come to the end of a long day and we're trying to choose between a healthy salad and a calorie-rich cheeseburger for dinner, our CFO brain usually overrides our CEO heart's desire to eat a more balanced diet.

This means that even though we want to do something, or believe we should do something, our brain often talks us out of it. Exercise is a perfect example of this. When we're exhausted and worn out from the day's demands on our energy, we may think or even believe that we should exercise. But all our CFO brain perceives is another demand for energy—something that we don't have to spend at the moment.

Quickly, a thought pops into mind that we'll start again tomorrow when we have more energy in the tank. This is what makes the brain such a genius: It is the master of convincing us to believe something different from what our heart may feel. If we ask for more energy than we have at the moment, the brain provides a million reasons why it's not a good idea: “We've tried this before and it didn't work,”“We're too tired,”“It's better for us to rest,” or my all-time favorite, “We'll just start tomorrow.”

I'll never forget sitting in a hotel lounge as a woman was getting a piece of pie. She turned to the guy next to her and said, “I'm doing Weight Watchers, and I'm counting points. But I'll just start tomorrow.” Although her CEO heart may have felt that she wanted to lose weight and eat better to support her goals, her CFO brain was exhausted and needed energy to continue to function optimally. It was tired of the energy roller coaster of the daily grind and even wanted to store extra energy for the future. The brain's default move during an energy shortage is to invest in the storage tanks we call our fat cells—which is one reason our waistlines continue to expand when we're stressed. Few foods make a better investment than a nice slice of pie, especially right before bed.

How can you hope to alter this? The key to sustainable behavior change is to align the CFO brain's attention with the CEO heart's intention, both of which require energy. It can be helpful to keep this analogy in mind when you're struggling to make good choices. Look at how you've been treating your brain lately and the level of available energy it has before you start beating yourself up. Thank your brain for being so protective of your relationship, and then start showing it a bit more respect.

Running on Empty

The human operating system requires energy 24/7 just to sustain life. To make sure we have enough of what we need, our bodies and brains are hardwired to protect energy reserves when there is a threat of running out. But despite the fact that energy is our most valuable resource, most people fail to manage it effectively. In an effort to get more done in less time, we take shortcuts in fueling our own energy requirements. We eat foods that contain too much of what's bad for us and not enough of what we need. We sit for long periods throughout the day or overtrain at the gym when we finally get there. We elevate our stress levels so high during the day that we can't wind down at the end of it. We have hundreds of friends on social media but lack time for meaningful face-to-face conversations. As a result, we are running on empty, feeding on fumes with one foot planted firmly on the gas while the other is stuck on the brakes.

In the book's Introduction, I described the common perception that we don't have enough of something, such as energy or time, and how this triggers the stress response that motivates us to get more of it. Because this potential deficit threatens our survival, it instantly puts the brain into a fear-based state. What makes this especially difficult in today's society is that we have access to more information than we could ever obtain in our lifetime. There is always more we could be doing, reading, studying, learning, or knowing. Because our brain is hardwired to crave novel information, whether good or bad, we've become obsessed with obtaining more. We're constantly keeping a bit of our brainpower ready in case we get the chance to learn something new. This mental multitasking keeps us scatterbrained and destroys our ability to engage in the moment.

This phenomenon has become so commonplace in our busy, connected lives that a new acronym conceptualizes this fear of missing out: FOMO. With the boom in social media sites such as Twitter and Facebook giving us constant access to what everyone else is doing at any given time, it's easy to see and compare our circumstances to those of our friends or acquaintances. In the past we compared ourselves to the supermodels in magazines and the glamorous lifestyles of the rich and famous on TV, but now even the girl next door seems to have a more exciting life than we do. I find it ironic that no matter what wonderful things may be happening in my own life, the grass seems just a bit greener on every other side.

One of the greatest costs of the human energy crisis when it comes to organizations is presenteeism —when employees show up physically but are not fully engaged mentally or emotionally. Although most people feel they have no choice but to multitask throughout the day because of an overwhelming to-do list, the brain is only able to focus on one thing at a time. When we think we're maximizing productivity by doing multiple tasks at once, we're instead waste precious time and energy while increasing focus-blocking cortisol levels in the brain. Our brains are not designed to multitask; from a survival perspective, the only time we must pay attention to many different stimuli is amid a threat in our environment. It's only natural that our brain doing mental flip-flops compels us to boost energy-enhancing stress hormones to help us deal with the emergency. As we discussed earlier, this is fine when it's a short-term problem but deadly when it's an ongoing saga.

As if killing brain cells were not bad enough, multitasking decreases our performance on the tasks we're juggling and wastes the time we're trying so hard to save. Studies have reported that our productivity decreases by up to 40 percent when we try to do simultaneous tasks.¹ The decrease in our available brainpower is equal to missing out on a full night's sleep and is twice that of smoking marijuana. According to the National Safety Council, using a cell phone, even with a hands-free device, decreases focus on the road by 37 percent.²

We think we're saving time, but we're actually spending it with reckless abandonment. Time management experts have estimated that it can take up to 20 minutes to recover from a distraction, with more complex tasks taking a greater toll on what's called switch cost —the time taken to adjust mental settings and competition due to carrying over mental controls from the previous task.³ Simply put, this involves trying to forget the specifics about what we were working on and figuring out how to move on to the next thing. The consequences can be deadly when we're trying to avoid a swerving car on the road. Although not nearly as dramatic, when we're talking to friends while washing dishes or folding laundry, our multitasking brain can pull us away from a meaningful conversation, causing us to misinterpret messages and make important, potentially damaging mistakes.

The harsh reality is that we chronically destroy productivity, waste time and energy, and kill brain cells when we multitask. We also communicate an important message to the brain that there is not enough time to get things done, triggering the stress response and its cascading effects. If we never feel like we have enough, we are always caught up in the vicious cycle of stress addiction. To change this habitual pattern, we must ensure a strategic energy management plan provides our brain and body fuel for survival while rewiring our thought process to perceive a state of abundance rather than one of deprivation. One of my favorite mantras, which we discuss further at the end of Chapter 4, is “I have enough, I am enough,” reminding my brain that in this moment all is well.

Brain Drain: Too Much, Not Enough

Stress isn't always caused by not having enough time, money, food, energy, love, and so on. In some cases, it may be triggered by having too much. Unfortunately, modern society seems to promote an all or nothing approach to life; we're either on a diet or bingeing on whatever food we feel like, sticking to an exercise routine or laying on the couch, practicing meditation or going nonstop. We are seldom able to follow the rule of all things in moderation, because moderation is difficult to sustain. It's not exciting, it doesn't stimulate us, and it isn't new. It's boring. In contrast, being all-in feels inspiring and motivating, especially at the beginning, whereas being all-out feels normal and comfortable. We spend a lot of time and energy yo-yoing between what's good for us and what's not good for us, shifting from stimulating change to coasting along.

In addition to wasting resources as we figure out the perfect way to live a healthy lifestyle or simply throwing in the towel, our brain is constantly buzzing with mental chatter. We have about 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts daily, and each thought requires energy, so it's no wonder we feel wiped out at the end of the day. To make things worse, our lack of focus and our chaotic environment create constant distractions that cause us to do mental jumping jacks, thereby wasting even more time and energy.

Our obsession with and access to information destroys our ability and sometimes even our desire to engage in the moment. There is always something else that we think we need to know about or more we could or should be doing. The busier the environment, the more primed we are to be distracted by what else might need our attention. We also can't forget about all the people in our digital social world who may need to know about what we are or might be doing. Tweeting about being here takes me away, and I can no longer fully engage in my experience. Recording video to post on YouTube gives me a narrowed perspective of what's happening and takes me away from my present enjoyment, replacing it with the hope that I'll enjoy it more by being able to share it in the future. We are overly connected yet disconnected. Technology is fabulous when we use it to engage in life but not when we allow it to interfere with it.

Everything that has life has a pulse, a natural rhythm of arising and subsiding, ebb and flow, effort and ease. When we are aligned with our natural oscillation or pulse, we experience more with less effort. In this rhythm, we can enter into a state of flow. But when we fight against ourselves or attempt to push past the resistance we feel, we struggle and mindlessly waste time and energy resources. We must find the balance between effort and ease that enables us to reach our goals without wearing out our reserves. This allows us to push less while achieving more.

Our Serious Stress Problem

We have a love-hate relationship with stress. The media continue to bombard us with the message that we're in an epidemic (started in the 1980s and only getting worse) and that stress is killing us. Clearly, what happens as a result of that harsh warning is more stress. We are stressed about stress, but honestly, we wouldn't have it any other way. If we let it go, we lose the adrenaline rush we've become so dependent on to get through the daily grind. Our brain is wired to help us to do more and be more as a means of securing our survival, so doing nothing feels bad—and as far as the brain is concerned, it's best to keep things the way they are.

As a result of our failed attempts to manage energy, we critically depend on sources of stress to provide us with that false sense of fuel. Similar to the caffeine rush so many of us rely on to wake up and keeping going, our brain becomes amped up on this counterfeit energy. It continues as though there is no problem, while our bodies take a severe beating at a cellular level. This is not just a result of the day-to-day stress of our lives that develops from work, kids, bills, and to-do lists; it also involves the lifestyle choices we make. The foods we eat or don't eat, the sleep we get or don't get, the exercise we do too much or not enough of—all of these things stress our system by knocking us off balance.

As we've discussed, our ingrained stress response acts on the same triggers in the brain as do other addictive substances and behaviors, such as drugs, alcohol, sugar, shopping, gambling, and even falling in love. Our reward system, fueled primarily by a chemical in the brain called dopamine, compels us to keep doing things that we perceive to be helpful for our survival, which includes staying hyperaware of potential threats in our environment during times of stress.

When we repeat a behavior over and over again—such as driving the same route to work each morning—the repetition builds a habit. Add dopamine and the neural connections become even stronger, making it almost impossible to stop even the behaviors that we know are bad for us.

We all know that the substances and behaviors listed earlier are toxic when used in excess. But when the body and brain get a hit of these addictive chemicals, they don't just experience the initial reward response; they also begin to crave it once it's gone. As with any other addiction, our tolerance level increases over time, even when it comes to stress. This means that we need greater amounts of stimulation to get the same endorphin rush, which creates a dependence that makes it increasingly uncomfortable to eliminate sources of stress.

You may consider it a strong statement to call stress an addiction; however, think about how long it takes you to relax when you're on vacation. Or how challenging it is to keep away from e-mail during the day even though you know it's a distraction from other things you may need to focus on. Each phone call, e-mail, or text initiates the reward system in anticipation of something new and potentially positive. Even though we may not enjoy what we hear on the other side, we crave novelty at a neurochemical level.

Our habits aren't necessarily addiction worthy unless they cause negative consequences, persist despite multiple attempts to quit, or both. According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine, “Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one's behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.”⁴

The question then becomes, Is stress a problem for you? Ask yourself, Do I feel uncomfortable when I don't have sources of stress keeping me energized to perform? Do I wait until the last minute to get things done? Has stress caused tension or problems in my important relationships? And maybe most important, Do I find it difficult to abstain from stress, feeling cravings to reengage when I know it's more than I am able to handle in the moment?

I can tell you as a stress researcher that the evidence is clear: Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, stress addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

Scary Stress Stats

It's important to be aware of how serious our stress problem has become, but please don't stress over the following information. Take a breath, and remind yourself that you're already on the path to getting your stress under control and using it for your benefit instead of letting it break you down.

That said, here is what we are doing to ourselves if we don't take charge of our addiction to stress:

• In 2003, improperly managed stress alone was estimated to have cost U.S. businesses $300 billion each year. Imagine what that number has grown to over the decade.⁵
• U.S. medical experts estimate that 75 to 90 percent of doctor visits are stress related.⁶
• In the United States, 40 million adults suffer from anxiety.⁷
• Mood disorders are estimated to cost more than $50 billion per year in lost productivity.⁸
• Forget the American Dream: 73 percent of American workers say they would not want their boss's job.⁹
• Among American workers, 35 percent say their jobs are harming their physical or emotional health, and 42 percent claim that job pressures interfere with their personal relationships.¹⁰
• American workers also report the following: 62 percent routinely find that they end the day with work-related neck pain, 44 percent reported eyestrain, 38 percent complained of hurting hands, and 34 percent reported difficulty in sleeping because they were too stressed.¹¹
• More than half of American employees said they often spend 12-hour days on work-related duties, and an equal number frequently skip lunch because of job demands.¹²
• According to a study by AOL, Americans seem to be addicted to e-mail. Of those surveyed, 59 percent of people who own a portable device, like an iPhone or BlackBerry, check e-mail in bed while in their pajamas; 37 percent check it while they drive; and 12 percent admit to checking e-mail in church. Eighty-three percent of e-mail users admit to checking their mail once a day while on vacation.¹³

Stress continues to be a problem for both our health and our performance, yet it is a difficult topic to discuss because people feel helpless about the stress in their lives, don't want to be considered weak by others because of an inability to cope, or think they thrive on stress and would otherwise lose their competitive edge. Although it's true that some stress can fuel optimal performance, we can't continue to go without giving our system a break. As time goes on, studies like those cited earlier will continue to rapidly surface, providing even more evidence that the way we're working is not working. My hope is that you will take personal responsibility to create a more positive relationship with the stress in your life and that as your family, friends, and coworkers see your progress, they will join you in the journey.