CHAPTER SEVEN

RECOVERING, REBUILDING, AND REESTABLISHING

Failure is not a barrier to success, it’s a stepping stone.

—ARIANNA HUFFINGTON

cofounder and past editor-in-chief of The Huffington Post

Throughout your life’s journey, there will be moments when you realize you have made a mistake, that an important relationship has been damaged, or that others’ perceptions of you need to be changed. This is especially true if you’re actively engaged in moving the dial of your success. In both your professional career and personal life, your mindset and actions will play a large role in how well you recover, rebuild, and reestablish.

THE ART OF FAILURE

There are many mindsets when it comes to failing. Some believe that failing is a critical component of success. It can lead to greater self-awareness, a heightened focus on important details, and impact us deeply enough for real change to occur. With failure comes learning. With learning comes increased understanding, which has the potential to propel you to a new opportunity because of these lessons learned. Leadership expert John C. Maxwell calls it “failing forward.”

For me, failing is looking back and thinking, “coulda,” “shoulda,” “woulda.” It’s less about not succeeding at something and more about not even attempting it. For others, they may fear failing—because of the potential negative consequences to the relationships involved, the inability to meet the desired results, because it could be a hit to their reputations or self-esteem—which is understandable because sometimes mistakes are unfixable and unforgettable.

When I first started my career, I was hired for a keynote speech at a large global bank. The organizers didn’t provide me with any guidance on what they wanted to achieve, and I didn’t ask the right questions. As a result, my content missed the mark (this mistake turned out to be one of the unfixable ones). I learned valuable lessons—and when you can see how those lessons continue to positively influence present-day choices, it helps to heal the often negative feelings that surround the initial fail. Realizing that you don’t need to completely forget the failure to be healed from it—and that both thoughts can coexist—can propel you forward. It’s an important shift in mindset to think about failing as advancing self-growth and development.

In addition to learning from the mistake, how you handle the failure makes all the difference. Taking ownership is a very important aspect of demonstrating credibility and maintaining trust.

The key is not that you failed; it’s how you handle the failure.

Culpability

Ownership can include apologizing, acknowledging, or being fully transparent with the reason behind the mistake. Examples of not showing accountability include making excuses, blaming others, minimizing the seriousness, or ignoring a mistake altogether. People are more apt to forgive when they like you, when they feel your intentions are true, sincere, and transparent, and when you show effort to try to rectify the situation. When taking ownership, there needs to be:

Humility over arrogance

Commitment over annoyance

Action over hesitation

Holding yourself accountable can mean the difference between losing credibility and being given the opportunity to recover.

Is it possible to recover from a mistake, rebuild rapport, and reestablish trust?
Yes.

Does it take a deeper level of self-awareness and an intentional effort on your part?
Absolutely.

Will it require open-mindedness and willingness from others?
Often.

Will it happen after one attempt?
Rarely.

Is success guaranteed?
No.

A Harvard University study showed that it takes approximately eight subsequent positive interactions to change someone’s negative initial impression of you.¹ The thought of allocating that much time and effort can be daunting—especially when you’re working, trying to schedule a lunch or coffee with friends, sneaking out early from work on a summer Friday to see your child’s sports game or recital, getting a few moments at the gym to relieve your daily stress, and trying to squeeze in a date night. Who has time to meet people eight times with the hope that they’ll change their initial impressions of you? Still, this choice may not be ours to make. It takes time to show consistency of thought and action—and consistency is the key to recovering, rebuilding, and reestablishing.

The key is consistency of words, actions, and behaviors.

Consistency

Doing something once very rarely solidifies long-term results or a deep belief that things will be different. If you set out to shift perception through specific actions and behaviors, and you’re not consistent in exhibiting those choices, you may never change that perception—and instead validate the one you’re looking to replace.

Consistency leads to trustworthiness.

Trustworthiness inspires belief.

Belief allows the shift to happen.

Through consistent displays of positive behavior, thoughtful decisions, well-intentioned interactions, and smart choices you can help to rebuild trust and reflect your commitment to the desired outcome, thereby opening the door for the ideal change.

Howard Schultz, the founder and previous CEO of coffee giant Starbucks, has often referred to consistency as a “secret to success” with his over 30,000 stores across 78 countries.² When people know what they’re getting, what they can rely on, what they can expect, they believe the experience, the interaction, and the choice they made will turn out positive. Belief is also needed to rebuild something that has been broken.

RECOVERING, REBUILDING, REESTABLISHING

Take a look at the following ten steps to start the process of recovering, rebuilding, and reestablishing:

•    Step 1: Assess your commitment. Before you start on this journey, it’s essential that you’re committed to it. There has to be an authentic desire for change, void of any resentment, bitterness, anger, or blame accompanying your choice to change.

•    Step 2: Be realistic. Think about how this situation came to be or what created the current perception. Take an honest look at what happened and what needs to shift.

•    Step 3: Increase self-awareness. Do a deep dive into what you said or did to create this situation or have others form this perception of you. Others may have played a part; the focus must still remain on you.

We can’t control others’ behaviors, actions, or choices; therefore, it’s essential to put your energy into what you can control—what you could have said or done differently.

What is your responsibility?

How could your actions have been misinterpreted?

What could have been another option to the one you chose?

Now that you’re self-aware of what went wrong and what you could have done differently, it’s important to avoid falling into similar traps. Have a plan for how you will prevent the mistake or misperception from happening again.

•    Step 4: Practice. Know what you want to say and practice saying it. Be sincere and use a moderate pace. Emphasize what will be different and what that person can expect going forward.

•    Step 5: Apologize, if required. Is an apology required? If yes, follow the suggested Apology Template in Chapter 2 so that you reflect sincerity, professionalism, and accountability when having this conversation.

If an apology has been given and it hasn’t improved the situation, more effort may be needed on your part. Be kind to yourself as you keep on the journey of being open to how you can make things better.

•    Step 6: Take action. The mistake that some people make is that they want to be forgiven by others, shift perception, or change a situation without actively replacing the old with the new. How can others start to perceive you differently if you haven’t given them a reason to do so? How can you shift the wrong perception when you’re not replacing it with a more accurate one? How can you expect others to forgive you when you have not practiced new actions that would start to heal the hurt? Words are just words and can be seen as hollow and meaningless if there are no actions behind them. Individuals want to know that you’ve given the situation thought, are going to act with intention to make it better, and will prevent it from happening again.

•    Step 7: Be visible. You want to be visible showing the new behavior—if people don’t see it, they don’t know it exists. Find several opportunities to apply the new choices.

•    Step 8: Connect. Engage individuals in your network to help you. Connect with key people in your workplace so that they’re aware of what you’re doing. Whoever the key players are in your inner circle, make sure that they also know what you’re trying to accomplish. In tandem with your efforts, these individuals can help to shift others’ perceptions of you.

•    Step 9: Tolerate the wait. Give your decisions, behaviors, and interactions time to be realized and recognized. Be patient. Depending on the specific change you’re working toward achieving, the personalities and emotions involved, and the degree of importance to the people who matter, you may not see results immediately. The longer the perception has been surrounding you, the more difficult it may be to change that perception.

The key is to align your expectations to the situation.

•    Step 10: Ask for feedback. Once some time has passed and you’ve had a chance to consistently put your new choices into place, ask for feedback from people you trust.

Do they see a change?

What are they noticing that is different?

Have others mentioned anything to them?

Could perception be shifting, or does more work need to be done?

It’s important to highlight a few points about feedback.

Asking for Feedback

Feedback can be empowering or unpleasant to hear. If you ask for feedback, be prepared to:

•    Hear something you were not expecting

•    Perhaps not be given any

•    Listen sincerely to what’s being said—without getting defensive or interrupting

•    Have a prepared response—that reflects your appreciation, graciousness, and professionalism

If the person giving the feedback senses that you’re offended or in disbelief, he or she may refrain from sharing future feedback. If you ask, be prepared for honest, straightforward input—listen. It can be a big indication of the respect this individual has for you when he or she takes the time—and potentially the risk—to share candid thoughts and honor your request for feedback.

The key is that with the ask needs to come appreciation.

Giving Feedback

•    Refer to the action as “feedback” rather than “constructive criticism.” When most people hear the term “constructive criticism,” they unconsciously shut down or become defensive—because the word their brains center on is criticism. No one wants to sit there and be judged, which is often how people feel when they hear they’re going to be given “good” and “bad” feedback.

•    Refer to the two types of feedback as:

•    Developmental—if you want the person to modify or stop the behavior or action

•    Reinforcement—if you want the individual to continue the behavior or action

The innate messages behind both terms are growth, development, and support, which are much more positive than the connotations associated with the word criticism.

•    Avoid the feedback sandwich. When you say something positive—then negative—then positive, the recipient may subconsciously be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any positive feedback will likely be overshadowed by the negative sentiments shared because the recipient may feel the positive’s only being given to hedge the negative.

A more effective way of giving feedback is, throughout the project or year, to create a balance between developmental and reinforcement feedback and deliver it consistently. Find opportunities to authentically give reinforcement feedback. This establishes a more even playing field to share developmental feedback—and the receiver may be more receptive.

•    Be careful sharing unsolicited feedback. Feedback is very personal. Therefore, an individual has to be in the right frame of mind to hear feedback—or he or she may feel blindsided by your words. Your good intentions can quickly turn to perceived judgment if developmental feedback is not properly presented. In addition, it’s important to recognize when you’re not in a position or don’t have the established rapport to give feedback. If you give feedback without invitation, you may be irreversibly overstepping your bounds. If you’re truly trying to help, ask if the recipient is open to, and would like to hear, what you want to share—and how the feedback shared could support his or her success.

QUICK TIPS

You’ve wholeheartedly completed all of the steps; you still may not be able to shed the previous perception, fix the damaged relationship, or improve the situation. What adds to the complexity of the situation is the personalities involved, the emotions felt, the frequency and duration of the occurrence, your likability factor, how trustworthy you are, the strength of the rapport, and the reputation you have built. It may take even more effort on your part to rectify the situation, or you may have to accept that a change will not come.

THE IMPORTANCE OF RESILIENCY

Sometimes you can’t recover from a personal or professional choice or improve the current predicament. As you look back to understand what you could’ve done differently, you realize you made the decision with good intentions. You thought the decision was right at the time. You believed you had no other option.

For whatever reason, that choice didn’t turn out well or the person is not forgiving you. If you find this to be the case, it’s now time to focus on being resilient.

It’s not easy to stay emotionally strong, be mentally tough, or avoid a defeatist mindset in the face of adversity, disappointment, or rejection. When life, relationships, and decisions don’t go according to plan, it’s time to focus on some key strategies, your inner strength, and people who can help get you through this difficult time.

The key is it’s not how fast you bounce back; it’s how strong your effort is.

When it comes to practicing the art of resiliency, remember:

•    Breathe. The breath reflects your state of mind—and how much of an internal toll the situation is taking on you. In order to overcome, you want to take back control of how much you allow this situation to affect you.

Emotional discomfort, angst, and anger need an outlet. Practice slow, deep breathing, meditation, or yoga and make time to go for a walk or exercise. The research is overwhelming as to the benefits of exercise on reducing stress, helping to relax the body, distracting and easing your mind, and calming the inner turmoil. It’s incredibly important that in your quest to be resilient you now navigate from a mindset of strength.

•    Be kind. If you’ve wholeheartedly tried to rectify the situation and have been unsuccessful, it’s important to consider your own mental and emotional well-being. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, how sincere your apology, or how proper your actions, you’re not given the chance by others to recover, rebuild, and reestablish. This is the moment when you need to be kind to yourself—and let it go. In this moment, remember that some of the most successful people also learned through failure . . .

You can only connect the dots looking backwards.

RAY DALIO

Founder and Co-CEO of Bridgewater Associates, LP—the world’s largest hedge fund

I did then what I knew best and when I knew better, I did better.

—MAYA ANGELOU

American poet and civil rights activist

Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

—JASON MRAZ

American singer songwriter, “I Won’t Give Up”

We are only as good as the moment we’re in. If we don’t know better, how can we be better?

—LAURA JOAN KATEN

Author of this book and supporter of your success!

•    Stay the course. There’s a chance that with time, your efforts will have an impact. There’s no way of knowing how long it will take someone to heal. Don’t give up. With care and consistency, stay the course of doing what you feel is needed to repair the situation or rebuild the rapport. You may find your patience pays off.

•    Start new. If the old perception exists or the rapport is too damaged, it could end up stifling your success. You may want to change roles, departments, or companies so that you can start fresh and put your new practices into place.

Whether or not you were able to recover, rebuild, and reestablish, there will be a moment, an opportunity when you feel you can finally distance yourself enough from the situation to think about it without getting emotionally charged. This is an important moment of self-discovery, healing, and self-growth. Recognize this opportunity and think about what you’ve learned:

Are you more conscious now of what caused the initial issue—as you look back? Is there something you learned about yourself?

What would you do, or do differently, next time?

How will what you’ve just been through help you in the future?

Do you now have specific techniques for dealing more effectively with this type of person or situation should you face a similar scenario again?

Could your experience, and the knowledge gained, help someone else?

As painful, upsetting, confusing, or unfair as the occurrence may have been—look for something, no matter how small, that you can take away from the experience to progress your success, personal growth, or professional development.

The key is that your pain is not in vain.

When you have enough distance and feel you can truly look at the situation objectively, take a moment to step back and see what can be learned from the situation. With each lesson learned, you’ll gain experience, wisdom, and self-compassion—and in the process create a strong foundation of communication habits to set you apart, help you leave a lasting impression, and support your continued growth.

YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED

Common questions I am asked on the topic of recovering, rebuilding, and reestablishing include:

1.  “My boss has formed a misperception of me. What do I do?”

When at all possible, never leave a misperception lingering in the minds of others—especially when it comes to your boss. This person holds the power to support your success, and you don’t want to be represented by the wrong reputation. Try the following techniques. Ask yourself:

•    What is the misperception that surrounds me?

•    What caused that misperception?

•    Are other people involved in fueling that misperception?

•    How long has the misperception been lingering?

•    Have I done anything to support that misperception?

•    Have I done anything to shift that misperception?

Sit down with your boss:

•    After you answer the above questions, sit down with your boss. Make sure there’s no miscommunication; you want to be very clear on what the misperception is and how it was caused.

•    Communicate to him or her that you’re actively working to rectify the misperception. When at all possible, share with your boss the actions you’ll be taking.

•    Ask for a follow-up meeting after you’ve had time to put those actions into place. You want to know if your boss is seeing a change, allowing for the change, and supporting your efforts—or if there’s something else he or she needs you to do.

2.  “I’m very introverted, and I’m concerned it’s holding me back. Without changing my personality, what can I do?”

The following strategies can help:

•    Bring a colleague along for new interactions to carry some of the conversation and act as a buffer.

•    Try changing your hat. Think of it this way: When you put your “introvert hat” on, what characteristics are being represented? Perhaps being soft-spoken, enjoying conversations with one person versus many, working happily on projects alone versus in groups, or enjoying being the team player versus leading the project.

Now put your “outgoing hat” on. For many introverts, it can be exhausting to try to be more outgoing. Therefore, focus on only one or two specific actions while wearing this hat, such as starting a conversation, speaking up first or second in the meeting, or volunteering to organize a department or team lunch.

•    Be mindful of the balance. While wearing different hats, it’s important that you make time to restore your spirit, center yourself, and recharge your batteries. If you’re asking yourself to live outside of your comfort zone—and you do, well done. You also need to honor that you may need to “recover” from that experience.

3.  “What if I’m the one who doesn’t want to let the other person recover?”

The core focus of this chapter has been on what you can do to better your situation. Let’s turn the tables and talk about what has been done to you.

You may have a very good reason for not wanting to mend fences with this individual—only you truly know. Self-awareness is sometimes the shortest distance to realizing whether or not a resolution is even possible from your perspective or if any solution could truly suffice. Therefore, here are a few questions for you to consider that may help you to take an objective look at the rationale behind your decision to stay your current course:

•    What is your biggest concern surrounding this situation or with this person?

•    What core needs of yours are not being met by this person? The need for respect, inclusion, safety, an apology, recognition, consistency of a more positive behavior, follow-through, trust?

•    Are there feelings of jealousy, envy, or resentment that are preventing you from looking at the situation rationally?

•    Is not allowing this person to recover serving you well?

•    Is he or she even aware that they have somehow alienated you?

4.  “I find it very hard to forgive myself when I’ve made a mistake. Any advice?”

Yes. First, know that you’re not alone. We’re often our harshest critic and most demanding customer. Also:

•    The fact is that you’re human—and with this comes an amazing capacity to learn. Sometimes you learn as you go, so we’re bound to make mistakes along the way.

The key is that you learn from each mistake.

•    Retrain your brain to be okay with less than perfection.

•    Self-compassion is an extremely important part of your journey when it comes to recovering, rebuilding, and reestablishing—it’s also very hard to be kind to oneself in the throes of a mistake. Honor your need to voice it or vent about it while also deciding to limit the time you live in this space.

•    Focus on learning from your mistake and be proud when you’ve relied on that experience to prevent it from happening again.