CHAPTER 28

Loving Your Enemies

Coping with the Price of Success

You worked nights, weekends, and holidays. You ate, slept, and breathed your job. And it finally paid off. Your promotion to vice president was announced last Monday.

After chairing the most successful charity ball in the city’s history, your picture graces the cover of two local magazines this month.

You’ve been buried in the research department for three years, but now you’re set to anchor the afternoon news next week.

Your division dragged through two years of lackluster performance, then you took the helm and made it the company’s top performer.

These scenarios sound like a sure sign of having made it, right? Not necessarily. They might be an even surer sign of having made an enemy or two—people who resent your climb to stardom.

Why is it so difficult to get to the top without making people around you angry and resentful? Part of it is just human nature. Years ago I heard a speaker comment that the English language has numerous words for expressing our sorrow for another person’s pain—words like sympathy, empathy, pity, and compassion. But we don’t have similar words to express feelings of joy for another’s joy and success. Indeed, it’s difficult for the “have-nots” to rejoice with the “haves.” In fact, it’s even hard for those who are among the “haves” to be happy for those who have just a bit more.

Furthermore, our society invariably cheers for the underdog. We worship our heroes on the way up: the baseball team that goes from worst to first; the unknown who comes out of nowhere to win the PGA tournament; the actress who wins an Oscar for her first film; the political novice who becomes president. Their associates and the public adore them all—for a while.

Although we’re intrigued by an ascent to prominence, we also seem to want to create heroes only to tear them down. Once the rookie becomes a bona fide star, he or she also becomes fair game—not only for the media and every armchair critic, but also for teammates or colleagues who resent or feel threatened by that person’s success. And social media allows just about anyone to spread rumors, criticize, and sabotage. In the same way, your own success may be tainted by enemies who seem to emerge out of nowhere to rain on your parade—from a snide remark here and there to an all-out campaign to bring you down.

MANAGING THE PRICE OF SUCCESS

How do you cope with this unfortunate price of success—without ending up looking like a spoiled, supersensitive whiner who can’t take the glare of the spotlight?

First of all, identify the reason for the enmity. Enemies generally fall into two categories: those who may have good reason to dislike you and those who simply resent your success. The latter group, in some cases, may include people who do not even know you but consider you an appropriate target. In either case, some general guidelines may come in handy as you maneuver this tricky terrain.

Take an honest look at criticism. Once you get wind of someone’s hostility toward you, whether it’s firsthand or hearsay, take a moment to step back from your natural reaction of shock and hurt and ask yourself if what that person is saying is true. For example, have you been behaving narcissistically of late? Were you all too willing to take credit for a particular success without acknowledging others’ contributions? If the painful reality is that you don’t wear your crown with grace, other people’s observations, however mean-spirited, may actually be a favor, because they give you the opportunity to look at yourself critically and identify changes you need to make in your behavior. In most cases, taking stock of our shortcomings every so often helps us to make progress toward development and maturity.

Clear the air. If the enemy seems to be a specific individual, try to put a lid on the person badmouthing you. Who is doing the talking? Is it someone who usually complains about everything and criticizes everyone, or are you the specific target? Is this person someone who seeks attention through controversy? Or is the hater someone you have wronged in some way, either deliberately or inadvertently? In either case, a calm, low-key conversation could be in order. Rather than listening to third-party reports, seek out the person in an arena that’s nonthreatening to you both and talk about the issues.

In this kind of conversation, you’ll be better off asking questions rather than making direct or accusing statements. Aim for closure. End the conversation with a discussion of what the two of you can do to get along better.

Deflate the issue with humor. It’s easy to dislike a pompous and self-important person. On the other hand, it’s difficult to maintain a grudge against a person who is the first to point out his or her own failings and to laugh at them. Successful politicians have learned well the lessons of criticizing themselves before someone else does.

And humor, particularly self-deprecating humor, can be engaging and can defuse a volatile situation. For example, if you’re being accused of letting your success go to your head, turn the accusation into a joke: “Some of you have heard that I want a new chair for my office. The rumors are absolutely untrue that I’m shopping for a throne.”

Take the high ground. When we’ve been hurt, the natural reaction is to defend ourselves using the same weapons as our opponent. If you are the one in power, however, retaliation in kind will make you look like a bully. Treat your attacker with respect, and avoid the temptation to tell the world how you really feel about the unfair treatment. In fact, if you say nothing but good things about those other people, their verbal assaults on or about you will begin to backfire.

Cut your losses. Come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard you try to avoid making enemies or no matter what you do to make amends, some people are still going to be jealous of you or just aren’t going to like you. As painful as it may seem, the odds of a few personality clashes existing among 7 billion people are fairly high.

When all else fails, try to put a positive spin on your dilemma, at least in your own mind. After all, having an enemy or two attests to the fact that you have achieved something worthy of notice and, yes, envy. In a slightly perverse way, that’s a surefire validation of your success.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Getting to the top without causing resentment and jealousy is almost impossible.

Most people invariably root for the underdog and like to tear down heroes.

When faced with resentment, engage in some self-examination to make sure you aren’t causing it.

Use self-deprecating humor to soothe tensions.

Work to defuse the conflict, but accept the fact you can’t charm everyone.