8

Building rapport and trust

Successful coaching relationships require a bond of trust and respect, and in our experience successful line managers will work hard at establishing these. The starting point for this is when rapport is being developed. Some people have a natural talent for rapport building, they seem to develop relationships and make connections with great ease. While this may come naturally to some, most people have to develop and work at this skill.

Rapport is the process of making connections and building relationships with others and if effective will lead to feelings of mutual trust and respect between those people. Building genuine rapport involves subtlety and patience and can’t be rushed. Rapport, trust and respect are essential for good-quality and long-term coaching relationships.

How to build and develop rapport

Here are some simple things you can do to help you in this area.

• Be aware of first impressions. Getting off to a good start in any relationship is essential, and as a coach you should be very aware of the impression you are creating, or the impression the coachee may already have of you if they are a direct report. So think about how you will greet your coachee:
  
  • Facial expression – a relaxed smile while establishing eye contact with your coachee is a good start.
    
  • Make sure your appearance and the environment where you are meeting is appropriate for the session.
    
  • After the initial greetings quickly ask an open question to get the coachee talking – so, if you are meeting the person for the first time you could ask, ‘Tell me a bit about yourself’, or ‘Tell me about your job and your organisation.’ Alternatively, if you already know the person, ‘Tell me a bit about what’s happened with you since last we met.’ Or, if they are a direct report ask, ‘Tell me what your thoughts are about …?’
    
  • Think about how you will introduce yourself or the session. For instance, when meeting a new coachee for the first time we find the following process useful: introduce yourself, quickly ask them to talk about themselves – who they are, who they work for, their job, any personal information they want to share – and then ask for early thoughts about the coaching session. Only then will we move on to a brief introduction about ourselves. If we are coaching someone we already know, then chatting for a little time about something we have in common, or something we discussed at a previous meeting is a good starting point.
    
• Find common ground. Establishing something you have in common is a great way of developing rapport and liking for another person. Asking questions to find out about jobs, experience, hobbies, family life or whatever seems appropriate, will help you to find a common interest or experience. Finding this common ground gets you into conversation and sets the ball rolling for relationship development.
  
• Demonstrate empathy. Show others that you have emotional awareness. Empathy is about recognising and understanding another person’s perspective and emotional state, and being able to react accordingly. Typically it will involve being attentive and focusing on the other person, listening and observing to be sure you are on the other person’s wavelength and reacting and responding appropriately.
  
• Use mirroring. This is where you demonstrate empathy – adjusting your behaviour by reflecting the other person’s body language, vocal usage and language. Care must be taken when mirroring as it is NOT simply copying the other person. Typically it will involve listening to and observing the other person and then responding with a similar vocal style in terms of paralinguistics. You may also consider the language you use. You can choose to use simple direct language, emotional language, jargon or more technical language depending upon the other person’s language usage. Mirroring the other person’s body language is also part of the process; so, for instance, if they are sitting in a relaxed manner then you should do this as well. Again, care must be taken not to mimic the other person; the purpose of mirroring is to make the other party feel comfortable and understood.
  

Once you get going and rapport seems to be established, then over time this will lead to a higher level of trust and respect. This of course does not happen overnight, and it will take time to fully build and develop to a naturally trusting relationship. So, having established rapport you must continue to develop the relationship to ensure you move further towards building a trusting and mutually respectful relationship.

Building trust

There are certain characteristics that seem to be present in any trusting and respectful relationship, as set out in Figure 8.1.

Let’s look at each of these characteristics and explore in more detail what each actually involves and how you can demonstrate them in the context of the coaching relationship.

• Dependability is about fulfilling your promises and doing what you say you will do. So, for instance, if during a coaching discussion you say you will forward the coachee some information, or a follow-up email, make sure you do this, and in a timely manner. We tend to find that following up within 24 hours (assuming this is possible) is best. If you cannot provide the information always explain why to the coachee. Remember you want to develop trust so you must work on your dependability and reliability in doing what you say you will do.
  
• Honesty means ensuring you always tell the truth. For instance, if your coachee asks for feedback make sure you are straightforward and direct. So, if you are feeding back on something that you believe the person could have done more effectively, be truthful and tell them, but in a positive way. You could try saying something like: ‘I think you could have dealt with that situation in a more effective way. I know that you have done so in the past (then perhaps remind them of a time when they have) so let’s reflect … How do you think you could have reached a better outcome?’
  
• Self-disclosure demonstrates openness to giving information about yourself. You can disclose relevant and appropriate information that helps build the coaching relationship. For instance, if you are coaching someone about dealing with a challenging relationship you might share a piece of information demonstrating that on occasions you too have had challenges in some relationships. This should be done without giving away confidences and must be true. In using such self-disclosure you must of course ensure that you then go on to help the person work through their own situation and develop a plan to deal with it that suits the coachee.
  
• Integrity is about adhering to a set of principles such as consistency, fairness and professionalism in your relationship. As a coach you have many tools and techniques to draw on, many of which are covered in this book. Using these techniques and demonstrating your competence will help build trust and respect. Professionalism as a coach can be demonstrated by your ongoing professional development. For instance, working with a supervisor (see Chapter 27) or being part of a coaching action learning network.
  
• Discretion is critical for any coach. A lack of discretion more than anything will ruin a relationship. Especially if you are a line manager who is adopting a coaching approach. Any information imparted to you by any coachee must never be repeated except between you and the coachee.
  

Building rapport, trust and respect take time, patience and commitment – and yet it can take seconds for trust to be broken. Some of these reasons include: being caught out telling a lie; breaking a confidence; being caught out gossiping; and not delivering on promises.

As Stephen R. Covey said:

Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.

Tips for success

• Never take trust for granted.
  
• Trust might be intangible but if you don’t build it then your coaching will not be effective. Lack of trust in a coaching relationship has tangible consequences.
  
• Trust develops over time – it is all about developing rapport, respect and quality relationships.
  
• Focus on the impression you are making on others during any interaction.
  
• To build rapport, find common ground and demonstrate empathy.
  
• It can take a long time to build trust yet it can disappear in seconds, so:
  
  • Be dependable
    
  • Be honest
    
  • Use self-disclosure and openness
    
  • Demonstrate integrity in all you do
    
  • Be discrete – confidentiality is key