5

Listening

A good leader is a good listener.

Martin Whitmarsh, CEO of McLaren Group

Listening is clearly a key skill for success in any coaching relationship. Effective coaches must be able to listen more and listen better than the average person, and in this short chapter we will give you some ideas and tips on how to become a more effective listener. As a coach you will be using a technique called active listening. This is a technique that is used a lot in the helping professions where it is important to demonstrate that you have heard the other person. It means that you are able to focus on exactly what the coachee says AND also how he/she says it.

How to listen actively

Research shows that the following behaviours increase and demonstrate active listening:

• Concentrate on the other person and don’t daydream. Your focus is on the coachee so you need to clear your head of any thoughts and concerns you are having and be in the here and now.
  
• Defer any judgement. It is natural to have your own opinions and judgements. But it’s not helpful to share your judgement with your coachee. Remember that firstly your judgement may be inaccurate and, secondly, if you are judgemental it will get in the way of the coaching process.
  
• Pay attention to the paralinguistics. Note, for example, the tone of voice. Check the body language for cues and clues about emotions and feelings in relation to the issue. We have written about this in more detail in Chapter 7.
  
• Just relax and listen. Don’t try to anticipate your next question or try to solve the coachee’s issues.
  
• Don’t interrupt. Interruptions will block the coachee’s train of thought and, apart from anything else, it is rude.
  
• Match and mirror body language – your vocal usage and general demeanour should be in harmony with your coachee’s behaviour. So, for instance, if your coachee speaks softly and slowly you should take account of this and adapt your voice and pace accordingly. What you must take care NOT to do is to mimic.
  
• Maintain good-quality eye contact. Look at the other person directly and lean slightly forward towards them. This will show that you are interested in and attentive to the coachee. Try not to sit directly opposite but at a slight angle so that the coachee can actually see that you are paying attention.
  
• Don’t make assumptions about your coachee or their situation. For instance, don’t say, ‘I know exactly what you mean.’ You probably don’t!
  
• Show your interest by acknowledging the other person’s comments by nodding, smiling and having a relaxed facial expression. Giving your coachee a blank stare is not going to be helpful to elicit trust and encourage good communication.
  

Levels of listening

One tool that we often use at Ashridge is something called Levels of Listening. As its name suggests, we can listen on different levels. For example, we are often very good at listening for the facts of a situation, but less so at listening for the emotions involved. At a deeper level we could mention that there are intentions and assumptions behind what people say, so how do we listen in order to find out what these intentions and assumptions are?

When training people to develop coaching skills we use an exercise to demonstrate the complexity of active listening. The process we use is:

• Work in groups of five.
  
• Ask one person to speak for a few minutes on an unresolved issue they feel strongly about.
  
• Ask the others in the group not to interrupt or ask questions but to listen at different levels.
  
• Remember, each person listens at a different level.
  
• Once the speaker has finished, ensure the listeners offer them feedback on what they have heard.
  

From a listening perspective the lessons gained from this exercise are:

• Listening at more than one or two levels is difficult.
  
• Often people find that they identify their preference; some find factual listening easy while others find the feelings level easier.
  
• Many people find the factual level quite simple.
  
• Listening for emotions is usually far more challenging especially as these are more likely to be revealed in the facial expressions, paralinguistics and body language (see Chapter 7).
  
• Listening for intentions and assumptions is even more difficult, but if you are fully present, listening actively and are looking out for intentions and assumptions, then you will find it becomes easier. The idea is not to be able to tell someone what their assumptions or intentions are, but rather to be able to ask good questions about them.
  

Listening at the different levels helps you as a coach to listen not only to what is being said, but to what is NOT being said – this can often be more important than the words actually spoken. A good coach will develop their ability to listen at all levels. As a manager or leader you should hone this skill in many different situations so that when coaching it comes more naturally.

As an example of how difficult it can be to listen effectively we would like to share something that happened to Mike during one of his sessions. A female participant asked one of the male participants how he felt about a particular issue. He responded by saying, ‘Well what I think is…’ and then expounded at great length on what he thought. His partner then gently asked him exactly the same question again. To which he replied – this time with some frustration – ‘Well what I think, as I’ve already said, is …’ When he had finished, his partner once again asked him how he felt. Given that the male participant was clearly not getting it, Mike intervened and pointed out that he had been asked how he felt and not what he thought!

Barriers to listening

There are several barriers to effective listening. Some of them are external, such as noise or interruptions, but the key barriers are internal ones – not really being interested in the other person, for instance, or being preoccupied with your own stuff, or listening in order to counteract the other person’s perspective. The trick is to clear your mind, focus your attention and simply listen to the other person and not listen to yourself. Unfortunately it’s not as easy as it sounds. As American psychologist Carl Rogers said: ‘The tendency to react to any emotionally meaningful statement by forming an evaluation of it from our own perspective is the major barrier to interpersonal communication.’

Of all the skills for coaching and mentoring, listening (together with questioning) is one of the two most important. Poor listening ability or selective listening will hamper your coaching effectiveness and will affect the quality of your relationship, and even your reputation as a coach.

Developing and practising your active listening skills is time well spent.

Tips for success

• Coaching involves listening more than speaking.
  
• Before any coaching session, clear your head of thoughts and focus on your coachee.
  
• Listen for emotions, assumptions and intentions as well as the facts.
  
• Rephrase what your coachee has said from time to time, to ensure you have understood and to demonstrate good listening.
  
• Question for understanding when necessary.
  
• Practise listening at different levels with your friends and colleagues.