11
Vulnerability Is a Strength
For Everyone
Core Lessons
- Apologies must be authentic and sincere, with no expectation that the apology will be accepted.
- Apologies can give closure and validation, as well as relieving guilt and shame.
- Apologies make you vulnerable, but vulnerability is a strength.
Chapter Summary
Coach Smitty meets with Marcellus one-on-one in his office so he can offer a heartfelt apology for his behavior that morning. Marcellus has many competing emotions regarding the apology, and he only partially accepts it. But Coach Smitty knows that an apology must be given without any expectation of acceptance by the wounded party. Together they walk out to talk to the rest of the team about the broken locker room.
Deep Dive Teaching
Apologizing when you've hurt someone is not an easy thing to do. It puts you in a vulnerable position because there's always the chance that they won't accept the apology. But an apology is worthwhile because it can bring peace and validation to the person receiving the apology, and it can be a vehicle to relieve guilt and shame for the person making the apology.
There are three key pieces to making an apology. Let's look at each briefly.
Acknowledge what you did wrong. The first step to apologizing for hurting someone is to simply acknowledge how your actions hurt them. Own the mistake. Don't try to make excuses for why you did what you did. Even if you had very good reasons, the fact is that the other person was harmed by something you did or said. Acknowledge that completely.
Be sincere. It's pretty clear when someone is only apologizing because they feel that they have to do so. Don't apologize out of a sense of duty. Instead, approach it from a place of genuine desire to make amends.
Leave the ball in their court. You may owe the other person an apology, but they don't owe you anything in return. Don't try to finangle an acceptance of the apology from them. It's entirely possible that an apology alone is not sufficient for forgiveness. It's a great starting point, though.
Apologies make you vulnerable, but never forget: vulnerability is a strength.
For the Individual
My Key Takeaways
Journal Questions
- Who is someone that you should have apologized to but didn't?
- How does not making that apology continue to affect you?
- Who is someone that you think should apologize to you?
- How would that apology have to be delivered for you to accept it and forgive?
- What makes apologizing difficult?
Exercise
Write the Script
- Prepare for a needed apology by writing a script to guide you through the interaction.
- First, write down what you did and why you did it.
- Second, write down what you will say to the other person (excluding the Why because that would be making excuses).
- Third, write down possible responses the other person could give from accepting the apology immediately to expressing continued hurt to rejecting the apology outright.
- Finally, write down how you could respond constructively to each of the possible responses from the third step.
For the Team
Discussion Questions
- What are some signs that an apology is sincere?
- How would you respond if someone didn't accept your apology?
- If you don't know what you did to upset someone, how can you find out?
- What are some benefits to apologizing when you've wronged someone (other than those mentioned in the teaching)?
- How is vulnerability a strength?
Exercise
I Apologize
- Divide the group into pairs to practice apologies. Each partner should practice both roles: giving and receiving the apology. Switch pairs periodically so everyone works with multiple people.
- The list following provides some ideas for the person apologizing to role play.
- The person receiving the apology can either accept, reject, or counter the apology.
- Accept: The person will forgive the other with the apology alone.
- Reject: The person will not accept the apology or forgive.
- Counter: The person will accept the apology but forgiveness will be contingent on other conditions.
Role Play Ideas
- You excluded the other person from a group gathering that they should have been invited to.
- You called them lazy and worthless when you thought they couldn't hear you.
- You started dating your friend's ex less than a week after they broke up.
- You stole the spotlight from the other person when they should have been the main focus.
- You said you would help them over the weekend but then you bailed to go play golf instead.
- You cut them off in traffic and caused an accident.
- You borrowed a book and then lost it.
- You insulted their family.
- You made plans for the evening but then decided to hang out with someone else instead.
- You dismissed their ideas in a derogatory way in front of other people.
Notes