14

ALWAYS TAKE (AND INNOVATE ON) THE MEETING

“Always take the meeting” is a quip that runs through many networking guides. It is a testament to what we’re talking about in this book; you’ll never know where a connection will lead, even it takes you somewhere you didn’t expect. But I like to take this advice one step further, encouraging you to constantly push yourself to innovate on what “meetings” even mean, in addition to saying yes to potential meetings as much as you can (without burning out, of course).

CONTINUE TO INNOVATE ON THE MEETING ITSELF

While I do embrace the ethos of “always take the meeting,” I also like to continue to innovate on what meetings can—and should—even look like. Yes, a cup of coffee is a nice way to have a business or even a personal chat. But I feel that as human beings, we’ve only scratched the surface on how we can connect with each other in a meaningful way—especially when it comes to remote, digital connections. Just as it’s easy to get stuck in our familiar social circles, or get caught in a ritual rut, doing the same routine habits over and over, so too it’s possible to hold the same type of meetings, or fail to innovate on the best format for connection. Human beings are great at innovating in response to constraints, however, so it’s no surprise that 2020 saw a surge of innovation in the way that gatherings and meetings occur. I encourage each of us to not only stay open and curious about the people with whom we connect and bring into the fold of our lives and work, but also the ways in which we see each other.

Priya Parker is a master facilitator, strategic adviser, and acclaimed author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. Like me, Parker is a serial connector, and she’s dedicated her career to examining and understanding how human beings best connect. When I asked her to weigh in on the surge of meeting innovation that we saw in 2020, here’s what she told me:

We are in a moment, where through necessity, millions of people are using tools that weren’t built for the purposes they are now using them for. Zoom was originally intended as a business tool for business meetings. But, we are now seeing people using it for everything from defending dissertations to making Passover to underground all-night raves. We are also seeing an eruption of new digital tools to try and solve problems that Zoom isn’t good for. For example, because of the algorithm in Zoom that tries to elevate one voice to avoid total chaos, it’s problematic for something like virtual choir rehearsals.

Just as I say that everyone is an invitation to something else, I also feel that every new mode of communication or gathering is an opportunity to learn something about how human beings operate and thrive. While I may not use every tool that emerges this year or in the rest of my lifetime, I remain curious about all of the creative ways human beings forge connections and encourage you to do the same. While we’ve already covered the most common tools like Zoom, Slack, and email, did you know that there are hundreds of other platforms and tools for connecting? What if you’re using Slack because that’s what you’re most familiar with, but an entirely different tool might better serve your specific project or community?

According to Commsor, a platform for community builders, about 45 percent of the tools in our ecosystem are less than three years old! Just as the postal service, email, cell phones, and texts changed our lives and exploded the possibility for human connection (as well as offered new challenges and new ways to disconnect, too), imagine the possibilities that lay ahead for us and for future generations. It’s worth innovating and asking the question: What am I not doing? How am I not reaching others in ways that I should? And whether you’re the person who creates technology or simply uses it, asking how we can best show up for each other as humans is a worthwhile exploration. Keep your eyes open for new platforms for connection, and be willing to try them out, even the new or unpopular ones.

HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR

With the “always take the meeting” ethos, one might have the idea that your constellation will include only the people you’ll run into in a business suit. But what about the very people who are your neighbors? Have you ever thought about them as potential business leads? Or people to bring into your orbit for later professional collaboration? Just as I say you never know where a contact might take you and don’t be afraid to innovate on the good old-fashioned meeting, I also recommend that you keep your eyes peeled for fruitful connections at every possible turn, even at the mailbox. If you think about it, it makes sense that you may wish to connect with those who live closest to you—and since I profess that work and life aren’t separate, why not do business with your neighbors? But somewhere along the way in recent American history, we stopped connecting with our neighbors. We began to refrain from asking for a cup of sugar or a spare egg. For insights on how that evolved and how people tend to connect (or fail to do so) with their neighbors today, I turned to Maryam Banikarim, head of marketing for Nextdoor, the popular app that connects you to the people who live in your neighborhood. First I was curious about how Nextdoor came to be and what that might say about how neighbors relate to each other. When I asked Banikarim what inspired the creation of Nextdoor, here’s what she told me:

One of the founders of Nextdoor read an article that referenced a Pew study talking about how many people at that time didn’t know a single one of their neighbors. They thought, “Wow, how could I leverage technology to solve for that?” And unlike some of the other social platforms, where they want you to spend immense amounts of time on the platform itself, Nextdoor was created as a means to an end—a vehicle for connecting you with people nearby, so that you can actually meet face-to-face and have more human connections.

So Nextdoor, like many of the tools, programs, nonprofits, and companies we’ve discussed in this book, was created to solve a pressing social problem. That disconnect I mentioned in our everyday neighborhoods—people were fragmented, cut off from their neighbors, no longer dropping by to offer that they could pick up the mail while you were out of town. What’s amazing too is how Nextdoor as a connecting tool works even in a city like New York, where people don’t always get the reputation of being neighborly or even friendly! When I asked Banikarim about the connections she’s seen transpire in Manhattan specifically, she told me the story of a woman who’d just moved to the city and posted, “I’m Brazilian, I’m 50 and I’m a producer and it’s hard to make new friends—I’d really just like to meet some new people.” Banikarim said that by the end of the week, she had over 140 replies to her post! People responded to say where they worked out, where they went for meditation, and even offered their phone numbers and emails. There were real friendships and community emerging from that simple request, and she’s seen it time and time again on the platform. Who knows what career moves or professional projects may have also emerged from that 100+ list of fellow neighbors. At the very least, that producer likely felt very seen and supported in her new city of New York.

The goal of those Nextdoor posts is to bring people together in real life, where someone might connect you to a potential new employer, a new idea, or something totally unexpected. It’s worth asking yourself if you’re staying open to all of the different possibilities in your life where connections could transpire: Are there avenues of connections that have become blocked off for one reason or another, as the traditional neighborly chat did over time? And as you build your constellation, don’t forget to think about the people who live right within your own zip code. Even if only for an occasional Jeep drive-by or a brief sighting of a taco on roller skates—who wouldn’t love that?

THE POSSIBILITY IN A LAST-MINUTE STOP

What further differentiates the way I view “always take the meeting” from how it’s typically viewed in traditional networking manuals is perhaps my fervent belief in the power and magic—the beautiful serendipity and synchronicity—that can happen even in the day to day. Just as you might unexpectedly make a connection at the mailbox, if you stay open to it, you may also do the same while you’re out making a last-minute purchase. In this case, “always take the meeting” really means, perpetually having your meeting hat on. I don’t mean always be working, rather, keep the possibility of a fortuitous connection afloat in your mind. One example of this comes from Brandt Anderson, a film director and producer known for films such as Everest, The Flowers of War, and most recently the short film Refugee. His work with refugees and the relationships that have transpired as a result are the perfect illustration of how the magic of the constellation effect can occur when you do work that you love and stay open to taking the meeting no matter what shape or form it appears in—even while you’re in the checkout line.

Anderson first became involved with refugees in 2010 after the earthquake in Haiti, when he arrived three days after that quake and spent several weeks there working with Haitians who had become eco refugees. In 2012, he began working with Syrian refugees shortly after the start of the Syrian civil war. Over his career working with refugees, Anderson found doors opening to some of the most meaningful and amazing relationships of his life, with refugees, aid workers, actors, and even heads of state. When I asked him for an example of how these relationships transpired and how staying open to the idea of always take the meeting translated into meaningful connections, this is what he said:

I met Angela Mwanza, the cofounder of UBS’s Evergreen Management team, on a bus in Tulum, Mexico. In our five-minute bus ride we made a meaningful connection and exchanged information so that we could stay in touch. From that short bus ride Angela introduced me to you, Susan, then you introduced me to CARE—CARE then asked me to lead a filmmaking boot camp for refugee children living in the Azraq refugee camp in Jordan. That boot camp led to a life-changing experience for the Los Angeles filmmakers leading the camp as well as the kids who learned to share their personal stories through film.

That’s quite a series of connections from that one bus ride! It literally changed the lives of the refugee kids who were able to take that boot camp and no doubt made a meaningful impact on the lives of everyone involved throughout that particular constellation—through the relationships and actions that transpired as a result.

When I asked Anderson about the most surprising connections he’s made and how it transpired, he told me the story of a last-minute purchase he made before leaving the country one time, that facilitated an incredible friendship:

I was headed to a Middle Eastern country to work with refugees. I was grabbing a shirt at a local store in my town the day before traveling. I mentioned to the sales associate that I was off to this particular country and in passing said that I had been trying to connect to the Royal Family to let them know of my plans while in the country. The sales associate said, “That’s funny, the King of that country was just in here and I have his cell number.” The next morning I was on a call with the King and he has since become a great friend.

While you may not meet a king as a result of any last-minute trips to the convenience store, you will no doubt make an untold number of friends, colleagues, collaborators, and partners in similar instances where you will be in some place for one thing, but make a connection that can help or segue into an entirely different thing all together. Trust me. This has happened to me on numerous occasions. As you continue to build your constellation, I encourage you to break all the meeting rules: who you might connect with, how, with what platform, and even when. In fact, those are the most fun connections of all time—when they are truly serendipitous and unexpected. And so too this makes the art of connecting one of the most engaging and exciting parts of my life, and now, I hope yours, too. You never know who might be just around the corner, waiting to join your constellation—if you are present and open to the opportunity.

DO REVIEW: WHAT WE’VE LEARNED

The final stage in solidifying your constellation is dependent on your actions: the Do part of my three-part approach. There’s a reason why “all talk and no action” is a common expression. To establish a meaningful connection—in life and especially in business—you have to be someone who gets things done. This is important. Regardless of where or how you met someone, follow up, deepen the relationship—right after you meet them. You can simply write to say, “Let’s stay in touch.” Or “I’d like to follow the work you’re doing and get to know you better.” People greatly appreciate radical transparency and honesty.

Your next task: help the other person feel seen, safe, and secure. If you can find people’s uniqueness or “secret sauce,” what I call their “chief differentiating factor” and show it to them, they’ll never forget it. And as you continue to have conversations with your constellation of contacts, keep finding ways to make the conversation deeper. Resist the safe bet, the small talk; I even dare you to talk about money! Ask others more questions that will open the possibility for greater closeness and intimacy, like “What’s something you’ve long dreamed of doing but haven’t?” And finally, draw yourself closer and solidify the pattern of your constellation by creating rituals, expressing gratitude, remaining curious, and being utterly generous with your support, even with your wallet And when people need help—jump in to give it! There’s no greater feeling in the world than feeling deeply listened to, fiercely supported, and intimately seen and known. And when you do that for the people in your constellation, they will offer it back. And the pattern you make together will be sealed for good.