Now that I've presented you with some evidence of how capable you are and I've taught you about the power associated with making a decision, do you think you can stop lying? The lying is just out of control. All day long … lying to yourself and every other person in your life. I know this sounds harsh, but so is all of that lying. It's time to start saying what you actually mean, knock off the self-deception, and stop lying to your friends and family.

Can you stop saying, “I'll try” when you mean, I won't?

Can you stop saying, “I'm too busy” when you mean, I won't make time to?

Can you stop saying, “I can't” when you mean, I don't want to?

And for the love of all things pizza, can you stop saying “I had no choice” when you know damn well you did?

Look girl, I know you. I know who you are, and I know where you've been. I've been there too, and I said the same shit. But if we're gonna be friends, and I feel like we are at this point, then I've got to call you out on this. Whether the people in your life buy into your deceitful ways or not, they're clearly padding your corners and cushioning your falls. They are allowing you to live in these lies and accepting them as your truths. But where's that getting you?

I'll tell you. You disappoint others, which in turn, disappoints you, and it chips away at your self-esteem and self-worth, which you've already learned are essential to becoming a Matriarch. You cut off your opportunities and limit your choices, which is destructive to your future success. You create additional, but false, stress for yourself, which eats you alive physically, mentally, and spiritually. And you limit your growth, which contributes to the idea that you are a failure.

But hang on, let me prove something to you.

Women lie to me all the time by saying they can't sell. I know it's a lie. They say things like, “I don't like sales. I'm not good at it. I just don't want to seem pushy.” But check this out.

Ya know how you get when you're really excited about something? You'll be having lunch with a friend and she'll ask what you did over the weekend. That's the only cue you need to start telling her about the mind-blowing meal you had at the new restaurant that just opened. You go into full detail about everything from the perfectly crafted cocktail and the sexy lighting, to the chocolate dessert that was so good, you slapped your husband's fork away when he reached for a bite.

Women know how to sell shit to each other, their partners, and their children, and they do it all day long. Remember the time you and a friend got the idea that you should go on a double date with your husbands. You knew damn well your husband would rather have his eye plucked out with a fork than sit through an awkward dinner with this new friend applicant you were suggesting. But you carefully crafted your sales pitch. “You guys have so much in common! He likes football too! He works on old cars! You guys will get along great! I really like her, and I want us to be couple friends!” You're quite a saleswoman, ya know.

To this Matriarch, it just sounds like a big fat excuse when you sit in your shit and blame your imaginary inabilities for where you ended up. You've created an opportunity to be pissed off because life just happened to you and you were the victim of it. Poor you …

You'll try …

You're too busy …

You can't …

You had no choice …

Ugh … It sounds so gross. So fucking pathetic. Shake it off! Girl, you are not the victim here of anyone but your own way of thinking. And today, you start anew. Today, you grab that bitch by the throat and you tell her, THIS FAR AND NO MORE! Today you take back the power invested in your ovaries and you take charge of your thinking. Today, you tell yourself the truth and let the lies fall to the wayside. You're back, and I for one am ready to celebrate with you!

Buckle up, girl, cause I'm about to show you how to replace the four big lies with some new and improved empowering truths! You ready?? Let's go!

Lie #1: I'll Try

“I'll try” is a procrastination technique. It's a stall tactic and it serves no one, not even you. It sets you up to disappoint the people in your life and it gets their hopes up that they will spend time with you or that you'll come through with a favor. You know you won't when you say it, but you take the seemingly easy way out.

There's nothing easy about letting people down, and when you do, it adds to the evidence that you are incapable. If you're serious about this Matriarch thing (and you should be) then you are focused on building evidence for your “I Don't Suck List.” Every time one of these “I'll try” lies slips out, and you don't accomplish what you said you would try to, you create more evidence that you are not capable.

Did you ever try to take a shower? Did you ever try to walk the dog? Did you ever try to eat a sandwich? No. You didn't. You took a shower. You walked the dog. And you ate a sandwich.

But it's even deeper than that! There are actually three levels of “I'll try” lies, so let's explore them now.

• The Blatant “I'll Try” Lie.
• I know I'm not going to your stupid Tupperware party because the minute I walk in the door after work, I take off my bra and whip my hair into a bun and there's no chance in Hell I'm putting that titty torturer back on to go to your house and ooh and ahh over burping plastic containers.
• The Soft “I'll Try” Lie.
• I think I can, but I don't want to fully commit right now. This is the “I'll try” lie you use when someone asks you if you can do them a favor. Let's say you and a friend are having coffee. You say you've got to go, that you've got some errands to run. She asks where you're going. You tell her you're stopping at the pharmacy and then running to the liquor store to grab some wine. She says, “Oh! When you're at the liquor store, if the owner is there, you know, the guy with the long beard, can you ask him if he'll donate a wine basket to the fundraiser?” You feel OK about it and you think to yourself, Yeah, I know him well enough to ask, but sometimes it's weird there and you just don't want to commit. So you pull out the soft “I'll try” lie in case it feels awkward.
• The Escape Clause “I'll Try” Lie.
• It's used when you really want to (right now) but know that you could change your mind and you don't want anyone holding you accountable to your word. Here's how it plays out. It's Saturday morning and you see your friend in the grocery store. She has enough hamburgers and hot dogs in her cart to feed the entire neighborhood. You suddenly remember that tonight is her annual summer bar-b-que, where she does in fact feed the whole neighborhood, and she says, “Will we see you tonight?” Quickly you whip out an escape clause “I'll try” lie that sounds like this, “We're so excited! We're really gonna try to come.” She smiles and says, “Do your best, we'd love to have you.” And you confirm the escape clause “I'll try” lie with, “You throw the best parties! We'll do our best to try and make it.”

Now imagine what it would look like if you said, “No, I hate Tupperware parties.” Or, “OK, but if the guy is weird, I'm not asking him.” Or, “I'm not sure if I'm up for a party, I'll text you if I'm coming.”

Somehow, you've been conditioned to believe that lying is less mean than telling the truth. That, my friend, is also a lie! It's become second nature to tell these lies. You must dial in to your first nature, which was to be authentic. You know, honest. Remember that?

On a professional level, “I'll try,” is your business's kryptonite. As an entrepreneur, I am my own point of accountability. If I say, “I'll try,” I'm saying it to myself, I'm the boss and I know what I am capable of when I actually do try. So if I say, “I'll try,” and I don't deliver, I know damn well I didn't try.

I've been teaching business classes to entrepreneurs across the country for years and I've seen women disserve themselves by not being honest over and over again. They say, “I'll try to get my website built by the end of the month,” but “I'll try” doesn't represent a strong commitment to getting anything done.

Get honest about what “busting your ass” really looks like. If it means working two days a week, your business will likely experience part-time success. If that's your goal, perfect. But stop lying to yourself and then not meeting your own expectations.

The last thing I'll say about “I'll try” is that it has absolutely nothing to do with being too busy. If your daughter's wedding is this weekend, don't tell your business partner that you'll try to follow up with a lead. Be honest. Tell her that you're consumed with last minute details for the wedding and you won't have the time to invest in an intake call that a new client deserves.

When you feel compelled to whip out an “I'll try” lie, stop and ask yourself these three questions:

• Why am I lying?
• What variables will prevent me from accomplishing it?
• Why won't I commit?

Lie #2: I'm Too Busy

I'm busy. I am a loyal and committed wife and mother. I'm the co-founder and CEO of a seven-figure start-up. I host an annual conference. I travel regularly for business and pleasure. I write with deadlines. I maintain my home. And yet, somehow, I'm able to consistently manage my social media accounts and watch my favorite TV shows. The point is, I've been busy when something important came up, and you have, too. And we figured out how to add it to the roster.

Let me tell you about something that was really important to me. When my children started school, I started a tradition. A tradition that would become part of our family's culture and one that I believe will be passed down from generation to generation.

Each year on the very first day of school, just before each one of my girls got home, I took a tray of freshly made chocolate chip cookies out of the oven. I would sit at the table with them as they dunked those warm cookies into an icy cold glass of milk and licked the melted chocolate from their fingers. They would share the details of their first day with me and it gave me great insight into who my little ladies were becoming. It was important. I did it every single first day of school from kindergarten to 12th grade. I made a commitment.

But here's the thing. I was busy. No, like, really busy. I was attending births and supporting new families as a doula; I was managing a team of other doulas and running a business; I was the Girl Scout leader for both girls' troops; I was on the Building Steering Committee at their school; I was the cheerleading coach, etc., etc.

There were years where I raced home to mix the cookie dough and slam it into the oven with seconds to spare. There were years where I could have said, “I was too busy,” and they probably would have understood … But it would have been a lie.

How often do women hurt themselves or others with lies like this? I'm confident that not only can you relate, but I'm also pretty sure you'd be able to provide some personal examples, if asked.

Lie #3: I Can't

Who the fuck told you, you can't? And why on earth did you believe them? Now, I'm not talking about saying “I can't” when someone asks you for a favor and you tell them you can't do it with a personal reason attached to it. What I'm talking about is the defeated whiny, I can-n-n't that you tell yourself. The one that you speak into your mind, body, and spirit and allow to rot your capacity for living.

In your personal life, it's: I can't say no to my kids … I can't control my appetite … I can't stay on top of the laundry … I can't remember appointments … I can't save money.

In your professional life, it's: I can't write good blogs … I can't speak in front of people … I can't learn to use new technology … I can't talk on the phone … I can't ask to be paid more.

Stop lying! You simply choose not to! It's time to take your power back. You don't want to do something? Don't do it! But stop saying you can't. It's literally tearing apart the self-esteem that you're working so hard to build and maintain.

Lie #4: I Had No Choice

For this lie, I don't have too much to say. The bottom line is … this is bullshit, so knock it off. You always have a choice. The problem is, you may not like any of the choices. But to say you don't have any takes away all your power; it's limiting and stifling. So, stop it, OK?

Nearly every woman in America has a choice. When I was living outside, I wasn't equipped with a skill set so my work options were cooking hamburgers or pumping gas. Admittedly, these were pretty limited options, but they were options nonetheless.

The point here is, the language we use impacts our esteem. Stop saying, “I didn't have a choice,” and start saying, “I made a decision.” This lie is simply a strategy you use to convince yourself that you are not responsible for the decision you made. Maybe it wasn't the right one. Maybe it was the wrong one, but it was better than not making one at all.

The only time you don't have a choice is when you don't use your power to choose – when you choose not to choose. And even then, that's a choice. If you are alive and not in a coma or do not have severe brain damage or an illness that has left you completely disabled, you ALWAYS have a choice. If you're able to read this book, you have a choice.

When you feel compelled to use the “I had no choice” lie, stop and ask yourself these three questions:

• Did I use my power to choose?
• Was there an alternative decision I could have made?
• Do I recognize how this lie disables my power?

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Women use these four big lies to cover up what I call “chump feelings.” Chump feelings are those messy emotions that knock you on your ass and dump you into a negative mental place. They're personal to every Matriarch and can include, but are by not limited to, envy, jealousy, and awkwardness. They make us think, Why me? Or, Why her? I suck. She sucks. This is impossible. I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy, I'm not capable, I don't have power, and so on and so forth. None of them are true and you're not a chump. You have feelings. Acknowledge them. But stop allowing them to hold you back!