Introduction

This book aims to support anyone to mentor, by offering simple definitions, ideas and clarity as to what mentoring is, what it is not and how to build effective and enjoyable mentoring relationships. We will cover guiding principles to help you determine your own approach to real situations, as well as key skills and behaviours. Staying practical, there are routines to try, things to do and importantly things to stop or avoid doing.

Less directly, this book aims to awaken your ‘inner mentor’ or your own instinctive ability to mentor others. With ancient roots reaching deep into our psyche, we all have our own sense of what it means to mentor others, as mentoring draws upon human qualities such as generosity towards someone we feel compassion for. When this ‘inner mentor’ is awakened, we also awaken innate resources, such as insight to a situation, or what we know to be true.

Effective mentors are less teachers than they are guardians of the flame of potential within another. They garner their own life’s lessons and experience in ways which help rather than hinder and inspire rather than inform. Great mentors encourage someone’s potential to become what it is; a natural ability within all of us to grow, prosper and be happy.

Where the challenges of our world seem great, the supportive, formative collaborations available within mentoring relationships offer a surer footing as we travel.

About this book

This book offers you a comprehensive guide to support your thinking as a mentor, as well as helping you decide what to do and how to do it. From preparing to mentor someone, to the ultimate completion of the relationship; you will find explanation, advice, and ‘how-to’ type guidance to help you embark upon and maintain a confident course. Chapters 1 to 4 explain what mentoring is and identify the principles that define and shape the distinct nature of the role. Chapter 5 offers you a practical process to support and guide you in your role as mentor, so if you are keen to get started, then perhaps check that out early on. You can then return to the earlier chapters to build your awareness and deepen your understanding. Chapter 6 will give you some examples of pitfalls to watch out for along the way. If you want an overview of the key messages in all the chapters, you’ll find that in Chapter 7.

Mentoring is a distinct relationship where one person (the mentor) supports the learning, development and progress of another person (the mentee). A mentor provides support by offering information, advice and assistance in a way that empowers the mentee. Many of us are familiar with the term mentoring, but I wonder how often we overlook its true potential as something we might explore for ourselves. For example, did you know that it is very likely you already have relationships in which you adopt the role of a mentor? Or that to become a great mentor you already have much of the ability you need? So why not hone these existing skills to become sharper and more effective?

Mentoring is a rich source of self-learning and personal growth. It offers you the opportunity to make a tangible difference to the success of others. This might be to help increase their confidence or ability or support their career success. When our enjoyment comes from the difference we make to other people, mentoring becomes a living definition of the term ‘win-win’.

This book will help you answer the following questions:

•What is mentoring and how is it distinct from other types of relationship?

•What does becoming a better mentor mean to you; for example, what are the benefits?

•What areas do you need to focus on to become a better mentor (e.g. behaviours, principles and process)?

•How can you start practising these principles right away?

•What are your unseen ‘barriers’ or ‘blocks’ to effective mentoring (e.g. beliefs, behaviours or circumstances)? How can you overcome them?

First let’s take a quick look at how you can get the most from the book.

The mentoring journey

A mentoring relationship can be likened to the idea of a journey, in other words an experience where you set out to go somewhere, travel for a while, overcome hazards and diversions, and ultimately reach somewhere else. Throughout the book, you will notice journey-type language to illustrate this: ‘navigate’, ‘path’, ‘destination’ and so on. Journeys are a constant part of our lives, so this instinctive, familiar sense of physical travel can help us to relate to the more interpretative experience of mentoring. Every now and then I’ll use the journey metaphor more specifically and you might like to visualise your own imagery to complement this. For now, let’s start with equipping yourself for travel.

A book that works in collaboration with you

This book is based on three main ideas. If you allow these ideas to guide your mentoring journey, then you will be naturally inclined to accept, adapt and incorporate concepts in ways that benefit you. While you do not have to live the rest of your life by these concepts, it will help if you accept them for now, at least on a logical level; for example, ‘I understand the sense of that, and I can agree with it’.

Idea 1: Some things can be taught, and others must be learned

The basis for the ‘teaching’ element of this book comes from my learning in professionally coaching and mentoring others. Your part in this is to work with the ideas and information in ways that are practical for you. That means read and work with the ideas, try out the exercises and checklists, and so on. Ultimately, you will decide what you agree or disagree with to build ideas that work for you.

Idea 2: While all journeys benefit from a sense of destination and purpose, no great adventure was ever planned in detail

It helps to have an open mind about what mentoring might be for you and what you might ultimately do with this topic. For example, you might feel that mentoring is something you should know more about so that you can talk confidently about it. Or perhaps your interest is purely professional, and you have little interest in how mentoring relates to relationships outside of work. Whatever your motivations for picking up this book, you can gain more when you are open to adapt those intentions as you read. If you imagine that you simply need to acquire knowledge, or pick up some handy hints and tips, then you are likely to do only that. However, if you acknowledge that this topic is one you are willing to really enquire into, you might reveal more about yourself than you expected.

Idea 3: Anything worth having is worth working for

In a world where ‘quick and easy’ seems to be on offer everywhere, the universal truth remains that anything in your life of value to you will require effort to acquire, maintain or enhance. What you value is up to you, for example a great car, your favourite people, or your health. Sometimes we value something more because of our endeavours to obtain it; conversely, we might value something less simply because it has felt ‘too easy’. This is neither right nor wrong, just part of being human.

How to make this book work for you

As you read, sometimes you will be required to do something extra, do something differently or consider something from another perspective. It is our mind’s natural tendency to want to stay in control, perhaps by saying ‘Yes, I know that already’ or ‘That’s awkward so I’ll ignore it’ or ‘Yes, I should do that, but I’ll do it when I have more time’. Unfortunately, this tendency directly impairs our ability to enquire, learn and create positive change. As author Neal Donald Walsch says:

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Simply, what is required is that you stay aware of these limiting tendencies or beliefs while you are reading. For example, if you notice that you are enjoying reading the ideas but skipping the exercises, perhaps go back and try one of the exercises that feels ‘less easy’. It’s quite possible that you will gain as much from a ten-minute exercise as an hour spent reading the book. So please allow the three ideas to support you as you read, and know that you can, of course, withdraw from them at any point. Think of them as preparation for your journey: a compass to guide and support you, but one that you can put back in your pocket when you feel comfortable to do that.

No management experience required

I will often talk to you as though you already are a mentor and/or manager. Please know that you do not have to be a mentor or a manager to benefit from the ideas in this book. If you are in any situation where helping others to learn, grow and develop would really help (them or you), I’m confident that this book has something to offer. If you are mentoring as part of a mentoring scheme (for example, run by your organisation or company), this book can add to the existing principles and guidance you already have available to you.

As you read, you’ll notice bite-sized sections that support your practice and learning. When you use them, these items will help you to increase both your self-awareness and your ability to mentor others. These sections comprise the following.

Ideas into Action

For readers who want to accelerate their progress as they read, these items will help you get started quickly. Actions will vary in nature and are intended to encourage you to think in different ways, as a precursor to learning. These items may also be an exercise, something to try out, often in an everyday conversation. Some exercises will be simple and easy, while others will challenge you to stretch a little further from your comfort zone.

Pause and Reflect

These are a series of questions to help you link ideas specifically to your own situation. You can write down your answers, speak them out loud, or just stop and think them through. The questions are intended to provoke thought and action. By attending to the questions, you will let the book go to work for you.

At a Glance

These sections provide key information, quickly, such as hints and tips, or summaries of points to confirm your understanding. They can also serve as memory joggers for future reference – for example, of how you’ll know you’ve had a constructive first session.

Story

These are fictional examples to illustrate a principle or idea and these use imaginary situations and people. They are inspired by my own work in this area and draw upon real situations to clarify ideas. These also serve to demonstrate a key technique you can use to mentor others, namely, to tell stories from your own experience.

Online Resources: Free to download

To help you in your everyday mentoring, I have compiled downloadable content in the LearnStarr area of my website: www.starrcoaching.co.uk. Here you will find documents to support your effectiveness as a mentor, including an overview of mentoring to give to someone you are preparing to mentor, and an agenda for a first meeting. This content is free to use as part of your personal practice and I request that you do not charge others for it.

These resources are also available to view at the back of this book