relate.

An old friend of mine had a beautiful relationship with her elderly grandparents, who were the most tender and loving couple. I looked up to them and admired the way they lived so effortlessly together, having such different interests yet enjoying each other’s company at the same time. She would putter in the garden alone for hours on end and walk the dog without fail every morning and night, staying up late to watch her favorite television programs. He was happier down at the beach in the water and whiling away the rest of the day reading a book and getting into bed early each night. In their eighties, it made more sense for them to sleep in different beds where they’d have the best chance at a good night’s sleep, and yet they’d also make an effort to find moments in the day to spend time together and connect over their meals and cups of tea.

My friend and I would often get out of the city and go and stay with them for the weekend. Their energy was so gentle and reminded us about what mattered most and what was really important.

We watched as her grandfather fell ill with cancer and started to lose weight dramatically. He seemed to get so frail so quickly. Her grandmother was stoic throughout this time, tending to him around the clock and doing what she could to both make this time as gentle as possible but also come to terms with the fact that the end had come sooner than either of them had thought it would.

Toward the final few weeks of his life, the grandfather asked to speak with me alone. I sat on the side of his bed as he asked if I’d help him with a secret job. He made me promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone about it until he was gone. He directed me to some money he’d been hiding and told me there was a bracelet he wanted to buy for his wife. He asked me to take the money and go down to their local jeweler to buy it for her. Unable to walk now, this was obviously a plan the grandfather had been scheming for some time as the jeweler knew the exact piece I’d been sent to collect.

The grandfather was so frail at this point that he couldn’t find the strength to write in the card I’d bought to accompany the gift. He knew exactly what he wanted to say and had me write these words: “Not for any reason, but for every reason.”

I’d never seen the grandmother cry once during those last few months of his life, but when I handed over the jewelery box on the day of his funeral and she read the words in the card, she sobbed without control. His gesture seemed a perfect end to their full life together.

The sentiment behind his words has always stuck with me, and the memory of his kindness and thoughtfulness having such an impact on another person is something that I’ll never forget.

We don’t need a love story or a death to remind us to be kind to one another. We don’t need any reason or excuse to make someone’s day (or life). To be kind, to be thoughtful, to think of others, to care—these are all wonderful practices, and they’re practices that shouldn’t be reserved just for home, but for our workplaces too.

RULE #33: POINT THE FINGER

One of the small joys of my pandemic experience was locking myself in my home office and interviewing some extraordinarily clever people for our digital events. One of my favorite interviews was with US soccer champion and ex–professional athlete Abby Wambach. As well as being funny, down-to-earth and unassuming, Abby dished out some solid advice about building teams that perform.

During her career, Abby won two Olympic gold medals and scored 184 goals, which at her retirement made her the highest goal-scoring soccer player (male or female) of all time. In our conversation, she told me how she watched a replay of one of her old games with her wife, Glennon Doyle, and their kids. One of the kids, Amma, noticed that each time Abby scored a goal she’d start pointing at her teammates, and Amma wanted to know why.

Abby explained that those goals weren’t about her; they were about the effort from all her teammates who had set her up to make that goal happen. By pointing at them and directing some praise their way, she was sharing the triumph and ensuring they knew how appreciated they were.

In my conversation with Abby, she said, “In every soccer game, there is hopefully a goal. And when a goal is scored, I can tell everything I want to know about that team. I can tell if their teammates like the goal scorer, I can tell if their teammates like the assist maker. I can tell if they respect their coaches or if the players respect the bench players. There is so much to be learned from watching and observing a team by the way they act when they win.”

Good people know that one of the best ways to become liked and respected is to be overt with giving credit where credit’s due. It’s about calling out good work and making sure everyone else knows about it too. If you can build a reputation as someone who is always cheerleading for others, always “pointing the finger,” you’ll build your value as a positive and useful person to have around. This might mean dropping a note in your company’s group chat, sending an email to the whole team or mentioning it in the team meeting. We do a form of finger-pointing in our business: each week in our company-wide meeting, we ask for the “win of the week” and shout out the colleague who’s contributed in some special way. It feels good to be seen, and it feels good to give praise. Think about your colleagues and their work this past week—is there someone you can point the finger at? Go on then, you’ll make their day.

RULE #34: ANOTHER GLASS OF WATER

A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.

Amelia Earhart

You know what’s a great way to get a co-worker to love you? Whenever you get a glass of water from the office kitchen for yourself, get two. Get one for you and one for someone else. Just plonk it right down and say, “There you go.” Or . . . when you go fill up your water bottle, grab theirs and fill it up too. This idea sounds so obvious, but you’d be so surprised at the number of people who don’t think this way and are only ever thinking of their own needs. If you’re getting a cup of coffee for yourself, yell out, “I’m getting coffee! Who wants one?” You’re doing the thing anyway, so do it for someone else too.

My kids are constantly asking, “Can I have water? Can I have some water? Can you get me a glass of water?” like thirty times minimum a day. When we were building our house, my ex-husband had the idea to install a mini water filter station near our kitchen. We always have cups sitting right by that water fountain, and the lever is at kid height so that even a three-year-old can reach and get her own water. I reckon we save approximately half an hour a day through this self-service stroke of genius.

Grown-ups use the station all the time too. The other day, while I was getting a glass for me, I saw that our babysitter had left her empty water bottle there. As with every person who helps care for kids, she’d obviously started to fill her bottle up, and another task had distracted her elsewhere. I took the water bottle, filled it up, and placed it back where I’d found it. It took me ten seconds, but when I heard her walking around the house going into every room and asking everybody “Was that you who did that for me?” I knew she’d appreciated the gesture.

RULE #35: WORTH DOING

Any chance you get to make someone’s day, to stand out a little and to make a memory for someone else—these are things worth doing.

Sometimes my team think I’m nuts when, with only a few hours to go until our next event, I ask them to go down to the shops, buy twenty boxes of chocolates and bring them back to the office. They think I’m nuts when I sit there and hand-write twenty cards to go with those boxes of chocolates for the members I know will be at that event. Members who have supported us for years. Members who I know will appreciate the care we’re showing by thanking them this way. To me, this activity is inconceivably precious and is worth doing.

Let’s not get confused here about showing gratitude: it doesn’t need to cost a lot of money. If you’re intentional with your thanks and go to a bit of effort, then that act can be just as meaningful as a huge bunch of expensive flowers. Even a thoughtful email can go a long way—it’s all in the delivery and the generosity of your message.

Here are some ways to say thank you that matter:

Power up the personalization After I interviewed Abby Wambach, I sent her a little figurine of a wolf to say thank you. She wrote the book Wolfpack, so I thought she might get a kick out of this. I also included a figurine of a small cheetah for her wife, Glennon. This would make sense to you if you’ve read her book Untamed, where the opening story is about a cheetah named Tabitha. I’m told both the wolf and cheetah were a hit in their house!

Give gifts I mean, no-brainer, right? Well no, you’ve still got to think this through. No point in sending a bottle of champagne to someone who doesn’t drink, or a beautiful candle to someone who owns a homewares store and can get them at wholesale herself. A note here too: don’t disguise your company merch (unless it’s the best thing ever) as a gift. I’ve been sent some random stuff with logos on it in lieu of a gift—mousepad, anyone?

An email, a card, a letter, or even a book As I said, a thoughtful email can go a long way. Choose your words carefully, be generous with what you say, and be genuine and purposeful. A handwritten card is even better, of course, and a letter can also be a gorgeous way to say you’re grateful. I’ve had two separate Business Chicks members now create a book for me (yes!) filled with memories and stories of how we’ve helped and inspired them. Receiving these is pretty freaking special, and you can make your own on any of those photobook sites.

Just between you and me . . . some of the best ways I’ve thanked others for a job well done is to turn a personal joke into something a little more special. When I published my last book, I fell in love with my editor Georgia. Just as the book was going to the printers, she let me know that this was my final chance to change anything. I wrote back and said, nope, you’re good to go, all fine here; so she sent the file off to the printers. A couple of weeks later, I thought I’d play a prank on her, so I emailed saying, “Georgia, I found a typo on page 187!” She wrote back freaking out and saying it was too late. I let her suffer for a full ten minutes before I told her I was just kidding. Her response was “You can’t do that to me! I had a heart attack. I’m just a cardigan-wearing editor!” When the book was eventually published, I bought her a quirky cardigan as a thank-you gift. The best part of this story? The next time I surprised her and dropped by her office, she was wearing it!

The stuff that gets remembered, the thing that makes another person feel special, the gesture that makes life more fun—do more of that.

RULE #36: SEND A THANK-YOU EMAIL EVERY DAY

It’s no secret that gratitude has a funny way of making life better. Expressing gratitude helps increase our resilience, strengthens our relationships and reduces stress and depression. It is truly impossible to be stressed and grateful all at once—try it!

One of my all-time favorite rules I’ve been living by for a long time now is to send an email of gratitude every single day. They’re mostly only one or two sentences, but this habit makes me feel amazing and always helps lift my mood. It’s also so fun to think of new people to send them to each day.

When I was first trying to make this a part of my daily routine, I popped a new appointment in my calendar (just for five minutes) every morning for three weeks. After that time, sending out a thank-you email became second nature to me, and it’s something I do every single morning now when I first boot up my computer.

RULE #37: KNOW WHEN TO ASK FOR FAVORS

Life is an echo. What you send out, comes back. What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get. What you see in others, exists in you.

Zig Ziglar

When the pandemic hit, and our business got turned upside down, I had to call in lots of favors from people to help out. These had been relationships I’d been investing in for years, so every single person I asked for help was happy to jump in. I called in favors from speakers who we’d worked alongside to headline at our (now-digital) events. I called in favors from our people to take on work that wasn’t part of their job descriptions, and I called in favors from friends and our members to support us in new ways. I’d been there for people over the years, and now they were happy to help in return.

When it comes to building relationships, we have to be really patient. And we’ve got to put in the hard yards. We’ve got to give, and give without the expectation that we’re going to get anything back.

Have you ever noticed how it’s inevitable to feel compelled to do something for someone who’s done something for you, even if they haven’t asked you to? This is called the Law of Reciprocity, which simply means that when someone gives you something, you feel obligated to return the favor (“you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”). The funny thing about this concept is that you often find yourself paying back their original favor at a much more generous level, even though no one asked you to.

Good networkers know this to be true, which is why they invest in their relationships all the time, even when there’s no real pressing need. Life’s easier when people are referring business to you and you’re not the only one seeking it out.

I’ve found that the people who give without expectation are the ones who ultimately get ahead. We’re in partnership with a company to co-produce our leadership programs. I’ve been so impressed with how gently yet skillfully they’ve been able to influence us and build a relationship with me and the stakeholders in our business. I didn’t know them at all because my team had initiated the partnership, and my first contact was when they left a small gift and thoughtful handwritten card in my room at our annual conference. Since then, there have been multiple interactions and touch points with them—they’re the first people to support us by booking into our events, and they always take a moment to say hi but not commandeer all my time, and they’re just altogether supportive and lovely humans to deal with.

Contrast this with a company that recently sent some of their products to me (without asking) and then got very upset and irate when I wasn’t comfortable posting about them on social media.

I can’t stress strongly enough how important it is to have built your networks before you need to ask for favors. It’ll make it that much easier for people to say yes when you’ve already done the work and built trust and credibility. We need to get into the habit of thinking about our networks just as we think about our bank accounts—we need to be constantly making deposits in other people’s accounts, so that when the time comes for us to ask for some cash out (metaphorically speaking), they’ll be more likely to hand over the check.

This is not being mercenary or selfish—it’s just how life works. If you’re a person who’s generous and thinks of others and has put in the yards to build a relationship, then you’re more likely to be given a yes when you next ask for a favor. The right mindset is needed here, though: you must give selflessly and without expectation for this banking relationship to work.

RULE #38: CHANGE THE QUESTION

I once had an assistant who made my life easier every day by changing the question. Instead of asking, “What do you want for lunch?” (which I never had an answer for) she’d ask, “Would you like a chicken sandwich, sushi, or a salad from Sweetgreen?”

You can do the same when scheduling a meeting. Instead of asking, “When suits you to meet up?” try this: “What works better for you? Mondays or Tuesdays?”

You get the idea. Humans are faced with a stupid amount of decisions each day, so change the question to make life easier for everyone.

RULE #39: BE NICE, OUT OF THE BLUE

This message recently hit my inbox from a past employee, Alana:

Hey Em, I just wanted to say thank you for everything you have taught me in the past. One thing that has stuck with me for life is when you used to say, “you’re never too senior to pick up a broom.”

I will carry that motto with me for my whole career. I value the impact you had on my early career life and I appreciate you.

How delighted do you think that made me feel?

Could you do the same for someone today? Who could you give a little bit of love/appreciation/gratitude to, completely out of the blue?

RULE #40: BE INTENTIONAL AND CONSISTENT WITH YOUR NETWORKING

We’ve all heard of six degrees of separation, which is the idea that any person on the planet can be connected to any other person on the planet through a chain of acquaintances that has no more than five links. Facebook upped the ante in 2015, reducing the number down from six and claiming that its users in the United States are now connected by an average of 3.46 people.

Given that now we can reach practically anyone we’d like through such a small number of contacts, why do so few people use this knowledge to really advance their careers and businesses? What do super-networkers know that we don’t, and how can we learn to access this intelligence more?

The biggest difference I see between people who get a lot from their networks and those who don’t is that the successful relationship-builders are those who are intentional with their networking. They work at it and they think about it all the time.

Yet while some people might be intentional, it doesn’t necessarily make them effective. It might be worth thinking about those coffee meetings you invest in. Do they just lead to friendships and loose business connections, or are the people you’re investing time in truly able to make an impact for you? A big factor in effective networking is that it’s not about the quantity of your connections, it’s the quality of those connections. I’ve never understood it when people brag about having 5,000 Facebook friends—I mean, who really cares?

To improve our networking, we have to be more strategic than collecting 5,000 Facebook buddies. An exercise that I’ve found really helpful is to spend a moment creating a list of your ten most powerful contacts. These people don’t need to be well-known or powerful to anyone apart from you, but they’re the people who come to mind when you think of power. They make stuff happen. They’re well-connected themselves. You can rely on them, and they’ve proven their worth to you (in terms of opening doors or perhaps just being there to support you) time and time again.

One powerbroker for me is a gorgeous woman and Business Chicks member named Angela. Ange works in a senior executive role in a big business, and for the best part of the past decade, we’ve scratched each other’s backs. If I need a corporate sponsor for an event, I’m comfortable asking Ange for the support. If it’s a fit for her business and their current activities, she’ll always support me. If I need some support with her buying a table or two at an event, she’ll always try to make that happen too. In return, I’ve connected her with people she’s needed to know, and I’ve gone into her business to give talks from time to time. It’s wonderful having people like this in your corner, and I’m honored to also be in hers. I’d do anything for Ange.

Once you’ve identified your powerbrokers, get into the habit of picking one of them each week (on rotation) and doing something, anything, for them. Be sure to set this up in your calendar as a weekly task so you can ensure it gets done. This discipline is a beautiful way to work your network and stay in touch with people.

Another great way to keep in touch with the people who matter to you is just to drop them a short email from time to time. I do this regularly with our members. I’m never after anything from them, but a random, unexpected note to say, “I’m thinking of you” can go a long way toward making others feel great and building upon a relationship.

Remember also that sometimes the powerbroker isn’t who you think it is. I’ll give you an example. A lot of people think that I’m the powerbroker in a certain situation and that I can play a huge part in connecting them with our high-profile speakers, let’s say. In lots and lots of cases I am, but for many more, it’s actually one of my team members who has closer relationships with these people than I do. They’re the ones dealing with them day in, day out, not me, so coming to me looking for an introduction can often be futile. Also, in a similar vein, the powerbroker can often be the high-profile person’s business manager or assistant or even hair and make-up artist, as they’re up in their face (literally!) all the time and know them really well. It’s often not the talent themselves. Funny, huh?

My gorgeous mom makes an effort to come to our events in her hometown whenever she can. She’s been attending our events for the past fifteen years and loves them. It’s not always fun and glamorous for her, as they can be long days and I’m not around to entertain her (because I’m working!), but she always finds ways to entertain herself. Last year at one of our big summits, while I was busy meeting people and talking with members, she sat down in the foyer and got out her knitting. Cute. Mom has knitted squares for a charity in Africa for years—these squares get stitched together to make blankets for women and kids, and she’s committed to knitting as many of these as she can whenever she gets a spare minute.

Now, most people might overlook a 65-year-old woman sitting there knitting quietly at a fast-paced, high-powered business event. You might think “she’s not in my target demographic of businesswomen I need to meet” and walk right on by, wondering what she’s even doing there. Last year, one of our members, Kim (who I’d never met), took the time to sit with my mom and have a chat with her for a good twenty minutes. She didn’t know who my mom was, and Mom didn’t tell her. Afterward, Mom raved about how kind Kim had been and told me all about Kim’s incredible job at a gas company and how well she looked after her team and so on and so on. The next day I looked Kim up in our member database to thank her, and we’ve been in touch ever since. I’d do anything for Kim, given the kindness she showed my mother. At our events, most people think I’m the powerbroker, but I’m always pulled in different directions on those days and can’t give the twenty minutes my mom did. I’m always going to take my mom’s character judgment as gospel, and on this day she definitely played the powerbroker role.

RULE #41: SEEK OPPORTUNITY FOR OTHERS

I do believe that luck exists, but people choosing to share, support, connect, promote and raise others is how most things are actually accomplished.

Unknown

There’s such magic to be found in championing others. In taking a stand for their greatness and intentionally looking for ways you can support them. I know I personally get such a kick from the times when I’m able to give someone else a leg up, and the more I do this, the more joy I get from it.

There was one time I wasn’t available for a spot on a television show, so I thought long and hard about who I could recommend to the producers to replace me. I knew the opportunity could be game-changing for one of our members, so I referred finance expert Melissa Browne to them, and she went on to ace that appearance and become a regular commentator for the network too. During the pandemic I personally reached out to over fifteen of our members and subsequently helped them access a $10,000 government grant so they could stay in business. When my friend was raising money for her new company, I connected her with seven reasonably high-profile investors—one of whom went on to invest a sizable amount into her new business.

I’ve been on the receiving end of such kindness, too. I’ll forever be grateful to my friend, author Sarah Wilson, who introduced me to her literary agent, whom I’m now lucky to call my agent too. And my dear bestie Narelle was the president of the Entrepreneurs Organisation and championed me to take over her role when her term was done, even though I was only twenty-four at the time.

It costs nothing to adopt this mindset and always be on the lookout for ways you can play a part, big or small, in another person’s success.

RULE #42: DON’T DECIDE FOR ME

Often we let our biases stand in the way of what we feel another person is capable of doing. I’ve had this happen to me too many times to mention (and I’d hazard a guess that this more often than not happens to mothers over any other group of people). Someone will say to me, “We were thinking of you for this opportunity, but we know you have six kids, so we thought you might not want to travel for it.” It also happened in our company a little while ago, with one of our team members deciding for a new employee that they wouldn’t be up for a specific challenge because they were new to the business. I said to that person, “Don’t take away the opportunity and decide for her! Give it to her and let her decide if she’s up for it.” Another friend of mine told me that, in her past workplace, her colleagues would often decide for her, “Oh, Emily is way too shy for that,” but there were some instances where she would have jumped at the chance to try something.

Creating opportunities for others is great, particularly when you let them decide if they’re up for it themselves.

RULE #43: SAY YES TO HELP!

A lot of us (me included) have been conditioned to give off we’ve-got-this vibes to everyone we know. I’ve always thought it’s my job to help others and not to accept too much help in return. “Here to serve, here to serve” is my catchcry, and it’s worked a charm in influencing others and building a really strong network of amazing people around me. The problem—which my younger self took a while to learn—is this: people want to help. People want to help, and when you deny them that opportunity, you’ve lost a chance to deepen your connection with them. It’s also possible to be highly capable and to accept help, at the same time.

One of the best parts of living in America is that I usually have a ton of international visitors passing through (you know, when we’re all allowed to travel, at least). These visitors often want to come and bask in the Isaacs family chaos for a few hours (why they’d ever want to do this is shocking to me, but still it happens a lot). Often our guests will ask if they can bring anything. My response used to be “No, we’re totally fine, thanks anyway!” but I caught myself in the martyrdom cycle and started experimenting with a different answer. “Ooh yes, please!” I’ll say now. “Bring some salted caramel Tim Tams, and I’ll love you forever!”

These days, whenever our guests arrive with their goodies, we have a laugh together, and it creates a shared experience for us all to remember. When I used to say no, I denied them that chance to be generous, and I denied the opportunity for us to connect over a lovely gesture.

Same goes in your office or work environment. If someone offers up an “I’m going to Starbucks—you want one?,” don’t be a martyr if you really do want one! Be someone who creates positive energy and says, “Oh my goodness, yes! Thank you! I owe you one!”

When you say yes to accepting help, you say yes to making others feel great, too, and that’s a beautiful way to make life that little bit more expansive.