lead.

The old way of hustling saw people as expendable and easily replaceable. They were there to do a job, and they should stay in that system and be grateful for their employment. The only bit of this that I agree with is the gratitude part. We should all be very grateful for our work, for a job, for a career—that will never change—but the new hustle puts people first and has them sitting at the top of any decision that gets made.

I’ve seen firsthand what happens when you try to honor your people and see them as your greatest asset. When you continually think about how they’re doing, if they’re enjoying themselves, if your culture could be better in any way. It’s so important to keep these ideas at the forefront of your mind so you keep improving every day.

The way to keep improving each day is to work on your leadership skills—to work out how you can inspire others and keep your people focused and happy. Because leadership is so important to us at Business Chicks, we made sure “Above all, inspire” made our list of core values. So let’s start there . . . 

RULE #53: ABOVE ALL, INSPIRE

Management is about persuading people to do things they do not want to do, while leadership is about inspiring people to do things they never thought they could.

Steve Jobs

Leaders, listen up. Your number one job is to help your people enjoy the time they spend at work. That’s it. If I had to pick one reason why you’re in that seat, that’d be the one I’d choose. You might think your number one job is to get through your workload and your meetings and your projects and get a gold star at the end of the day, but it’s not. A leader’s role first and foremost is to serve their people and help them be successful and happy at work.

So how do we do this? To start with, you make yourself fun and enjoyable to be around. You make yourself as predictable as possible—and by predictable, I don’t mean boring. You should be anything but boring. Your aim is to be an inspiring human! Being inspiring doesn’t mean being charismatic and upbeat every minute of the day, but it means your people should know what they’re going to get with you. The worst leaders, in my opinion, are those with whom you have to pick your moments. Are they in a good mood? Okay, cool, now’s a good time—or, uh-oh, looks like they’re in a state. Can’t approach them now.

Think for a moment about the productivity we lose trying to predict a leader’s mood like this. The time we spend walking on eggshells and maneuvering around people who we should be able to approach directly, whenever we need. It’s debilitating for a business and for the people inside of it.

A truly inspirational leader does a few things really well. First, they know that enthusiasm is one of the greatest gifts you can give the world. They answer the phone with a smile, genuinely happy to hear from the caller. They hug or shake hands with gusto. They laugh unabashedly at the joke and at themselves too. They stride into a room or a meeting looking like there’s no place they’d rather be. They attack every task with delight, confident they’re going to win at it, or at least learn something if they fail. Inspirational leaders set the tone and the mood and, in doing so, set an example for everyone else to follow.

Inspirational leaders are radical optimists. They see the positive part of every situation and the best in every person. They believe in a better future, a better world, a better experience for us all. They radiate possibility and urge us to find a better way. They encourage us to think a little differently until magic emerges.

Inspirational leaders make the unpopular and tough decisions so their vision can be realized and are unapologetic about knowing what they need and want.

Inspirational leaders don’t micro-manage. They don’t nitpick. They don’t talk behind people’s backs. They speak with intent, choosing their words carefully, knowing how powerful language can be.

Inspirational leaders make you feel as though you hung the moon—if you find one to work alongside, you should stick around until the stars are lined up too.

RULE #54: TURN ON THE CHARISMA

If one of the main factors of amazing leadership is being inspiring, then it’d make a lot of sense for us to pay attention to how we become more inspirational. I’ve always found that the most inspiring people I know have worked out how to dial up one trait in particular: charisma.

You can sense a charismatic person from the moment they enter a room. The energy automatically lifts. They cause us to stop whatever it is we’re doing and give our full attention. In a split second, they have us turning our heads as if their presence just signaled something special is about to happen. The charms of a charismatic person are intoxicating, and it’s unlikely you’ll be able to look away as they draw you into their world and make you forget (momentarily) about anything else.

When we worked with actress and entrepreneur Kate Hudson, she invited me and my CEO, Olivia, out to dinner to get to know one another. Kate had just arrived in Australia from the US the day before, so she was jetlagged and (unbeknown to all of us at the time) also in the first trimester of her pregnancy. Unless she’s immune to those early hormones (which is unlikely . . . I’m yet to meet a newly pregnant woman who doesn’t want to spend the majority of her time lying horizontal at any opportunity), she must have been completely exhausted. Anyone of less substance might have canceled the dinner, but not Kate.

Liv and I were the first to arrive at the restaurant that night. We ordered a drink and stood chatting, waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. We settled in and became so ensconced in conversation that we were caught a little unawares by Kate when she walked in. Well, she didn’t really walk in, she floated in. And as she floated in, time stopped. I’ve relived that moment a few times over now, studying what happened and what made Kate so charismatic. Above anything else, I’d say it was her ability to be completely present with us all. Before she looked around the room and took it all in, she took us in. She walked straight up to Liv and me, introducing herself warmly and not breaking eye contact for a second. There was not one ounce of either arrogance or uneasiness—it felt as if she was grateful to be there and grateful to be spending time with us.

Over dinner, Kate held center court, telling elaborate stories and making us all laugh. She didn’t put on airs, and she was as comfortable teasing herself as she was with teasing others. She asked lots of questions and remained interested in our answers.

The night flew by, and when she left, we all looked at each other as if to say, “What just happened here?”

A few years ago, I met Olivia Fox Cabane, who’s an expert in charisma. She wrote the book The Charisma Myth and teaches the subject at Stanford and Berkeley’s Business School too.

Olivia believes that while not all of us are born with the charisma of Kate Hudson, we can certainly learn the skill.

The first way to become more charismatic is through our presence. Presence is all about being in the moment, just as Kate was with us. Olivia says that if you find your attention slipping while speaking to someone, refocus by centering yourself. It’s important you master the skill of being present, as you’ll make everyone else more comfortable around you and make them feel as though they matter.

Olivia says that power is the second way we can get more charisma. In this context, power is achieved by taking away self-doubt and assuring yourself that you belong and that you’ve earned your place in that room. Have you ever been at a conference or a networking event and met someone who sort of looks like they’re a little scared to be there, almost hiding behind someone else so you don’t notice them? This is the opposite of exhibiting power. Power is all about being confident and owning your successes and not letting your self-limiting beliefs get in the way. Powerful people make us feel at ease, and they encourage us to act more confidently too.

If you can nail power and presence, you’ll be well on your way, but here are six other tips to make like Ms. Hudson and level up your charisma.

Walk in like you own the room Shoulders back, head up and a big smile on your dial is how you should enter every room. Don’t confuse this approach with arrogance, though. I’m not saying you need a swagger here, I’m talking about a genuine happiness to be in whichever room it is that you’re walking into. Don’t shrink yourself, don’t make yourself smaller, don’t apologize for walking into that room, don’t cover yourself up by folding your arms or holding your handbag across your body—walk into that room with open body language, a strong posture and a good dose of confidence (even if you’re making it up a little).

Ask lots of questions Charismatic people ask lots of questions in order to get the other person talking. Asking questions demonstrates that you’re interested and that you care, and it means you can learn something about them too. The fastest way we can build our charisma is to get the other person talking, as, let’s face it, most people love to talk—especially if it’s about themselves!

Deeply listen Like, really listen. So many of us are having conversations where we’re not really in them. You’ll build your charisma when you can show people that you’re intently listening to whatever it is that they’re sharing with you. Forget about planning what you want to say next, and truly focus in on what they are saying. When you’re actively listening like this, you need to avoid interrupting at all costs; summarize and repeat back what you have heard, and observe body language to give you an extra level of understanding. Active listening is a helpful skill for all of us to develop. It helps you truly understand what people are saying in conversations and meetings (not just what you want to hear or think you hear). Come to think of it, it’s a pretty darn useful skill for our personal relationships too . . .

Nonverbal listening While you’re deeply listening (and not talking!), give nonverbal cues: nod your head, frown, smile, look surprised or amused or horrified or however the situation calls for you to react . . . Patti Wood, a body language expert, says that in a face-to-face interaction with just one person you can exchange up to 10,000 nonverbal cues in less than one minute. “You cannot consciously control all that communication, so it can be much more telling than the few words you could exchange in the same amount of time,” Patti says. Nonverbal listening includes your body language, so stay open, uncross your arms and lightly touch the person, but only if you feel it’s absolutely appropriate and welcome—if not, don’t attempt this at all. Sometimes though, where appropriate, a soft touch on the arm or a high five is a great way to build rapport and lift your charisma.

Never give advice Want to know the fastest way to drop your charisma quotient? Tell people what to do. Charismatic people know that advice-giving is mostly futile and really only ever makes the person dishing it out feel better about themselves. Most people are venting just to be heard, not to ask what you think they should do. Unless they specifically ask you for advice, don’t offer it up.

Pay attention to your voice Ever noticed how a yawn creeps in or you find yourself drifting off, wondering what’s for dinner, when you have to listen to someone with a monotone voice? Do your best to get some expression in your voice when you speak, and pay attention to the volume you’re speaking at too. Try to intonate a little as well: that is, speak louder when required and softer when appropriate. And never mumble. One great piece of advice I heard somewhere is to smile when you answer the phone. The whole tone of the human voice changes when you are smiling. It is totally noticeable (even though subconsciously, most likely) to the caller, and it sets the tone for the rest of the conversation.

Bonus hot tip If I could ask you to please remove one phrase from your vocabulary and never, ever use it again, it’d be this: “You look tired.” I mean, is there a more disconcerting and demoralizing thing to have someone tell you? If you look tired, chances are you feel exhausted and you’re very much aware of how that’s showing on your face. To have someone tell you is only going to make you feel worse, whereas the aim with any rapport/relationship-building is to leave the other person feeling better!

RULE #55: HAVE TOUGH CONVERSATIONS

I want you to think about your leadership in the same way I’m guessing you want your toilet paper to be: tough but soft.

A person who nails this kind of leadership is my friend Jane Wurwand. Jane founded the skincare brand Dermalogica, and she is one of my favorite humans ever. I admire her for several thousand reasons, and over the past few years as I’ve gotten to know her, she’s become a role model and mentor to me. It’d be hard to find a leader I want to emulate more than Jane. She is someone whose leadership style leaves you with little question of where you stand and what she expects from you, and everywhere she turns, she seems to get the best from people.

One time, when Jane was the guest speaker at one of our events, someone asked her about her approach to firing people. Jane answered with one of the most profound yet practical answers I’ve heard, and it’s one that’s stayed with me since.

I think we’d all agree that laying someone off from their job is one of the toughest things a manager can be asked to do. Jane takes a more upbeat approach to the task, though, saying it need not be as distressing as it mostly is. Jane’s approach always starts by inviting the person into her office and asking them four simple words: “Are you happy here?”

Jane says one of two things will happen from there. The first is that the person will answer that they’re “very happy, and everything’s fine.” When this happens, Jane responds with something like, “Well, you don’t seem happy, and I’m not really seeing it in your work or your attitude,” and this then leads to a conversation about how to fix the issue. She’ll tell that person they need to sit down with their manager and figure out what they need to focus on to get their work back on track in the next thirty or sixty days.

The second reaction Jane receives from employees is an admission that no, they’re not happy. That person will often vent about why they’re not happy (Jane always listens and provides that space for them to share openly), and then when they’re done, Jane thanks them for their honesty and acknowledges that their unhappiness has been noticed within the business. And then, just like in the first scenario, she’ll suggest working with their manager, but this time on how the company can help find them a job that makes them happy (but not in her business!).

It’s a straightforward and fair approach that works for everyone, and again, leaves the person in no question of where they stand and what the path forward should be. Jane for president, seriously.

Another leader who subscribes to the tough but soft approach is Arianna Huffington. A core value for her Thrive Global company is “compassionate directness.” Arianna says creating an environment that encourages continuous and honest feedback is essential for allowing a business and its people to grow.

“When a culture of compassionate directness is created, people respond. They want to be empowered to make their voices heard, and they want to be respected enough to get the honest feedback they need to realize their full potential,” Arianna says.

The problem is that we’re too squeamish with being given it straight. We spend far too much time skirting around the real issues and not wanting to hurt people’s feelings. Giving permission for your people to be “compassionately direct” is, in my opinion, a really useful philosophy we could all learn a lot from. It’d save so much time and emotional angst if we could get to a point of honesty and directness, served up with a side order of compassion, of course.

Having tough conversations at work isn’t always as easy as Jane and Arianna make it look. I admire any outlier who appreciates it’s just part of the leader’s job to start and handle difficult conversations.

Having a tough conversation requires two ingredients: confidence and bravery on the part of the person who instigates the chat, and an openness and willingness to accept feedback from the person on the receiving end. And the good news is that you can control at least one part of this equation. Avoiding the conversation is not helpful for anyone. So why do we find it so hard to have challenging conversations?

In our obsession to be liked, we fear any situation that may place us in danger of jeopardizing our likability. We believe that having a tough conversation diminishes the way we’re perceived at work. We trade short-term uneasiness for long-term dysfunction, hoping the situation won’t get any worse before we can find the guts to address what’s really going on.

Some workplaces don’t do anything to help the situation. Perhaps the culture of your organization leans toward passive-aggressiveness, and you just can’t see the precedence of people leading confidently. We need our workplaces to encourage bravery in dealing with what needs to be said, without people fearing they’ll be reprimanded or thought less of.

Healthy role modeling is what’s required here, so think about who your Jane might be that can help you build more expertise, and then practice, practice, practice.

RULE #56: THE 8-MINUTE PERFORMANCE REVIEW

I think it’s very important to have a feedback loop, where you’re constantly thinking about what you’ve done and how you could be doing it better.

Elon Musk

Many managers struggle to give effective feedback. Mostly they do one of two things—they wait too long to give feedback, or they get so scared of giving negative feedback and hurting a team member’s feelings that they don’t give it at all.

I’ve never been a massive fan of the annual performance review process as it stands in most companies. In fact, a Gallup survey revealed that only 14 percent of employees say that their performance review actually inspired them to improve.

By my way of thinking, every single day should be a performance review of sorts between leaders and their teams. Team members should feel comfortable putting ideas forward and giving suggestions as to how the leader can improve, in the same way the leader should feel that their team members are open to receiving feedback. If feedback is saved up for one day a year, achievements and areas for improvement are things of the past, and it’s mostly disheartening for team members to have them raised so long after the fact.

Last year, I gave a performance review to one of my closest team members and, well, it lasted eight minutes. This team member regularly tells me what I can do better (I try to be a receptive leader who listens, is amenable to coaching and wants to improve)—and I tell her when I’m not happy with something or can see a gap she can’t see. On the day of the performance review, we went into a room and I said to her, “You know all I have to say because we’ve lived through it together and I tell you every day. I know your trigger points and I can see you’re working on them, and I’m super pleased with how far you’ve come. You’ve applied yourself and you’re moving forward and you are such an asset to us, and I’m grateful for that. I have no surprises I’m saving up here for you. Now, what would you like to say?” This team member had similar responses, and we were able to move on to the rewards and recognition part of the conversation (which, by the way, should also not be saved up for just one day of the year—you should be using every day as an opportunity to reward and recognize your people in whatever ways you can).

Our chat was productive and effective, and it took up only eight minutes of our day. I’ve never been a fan of filling up space just because it’s available to us. I could have taken up a full hour doing that performance review just so we could have looked like we were “working,” but “working” to me means being efficient, it means being radically honest, and it means not wasting time.

Feedback should never be saved up for the annual performance review. It should be an ongoing conversation, without surprise, between you and your people or you and your line manager as to how they can do better, and how they feel you can do better.

RULE #57: BE ONE STEP AHEAD

Want to know the secret to keeping good talent on your team? Be one step ahead always. Anticipate their needs. Look out for when they’re showing signs of boredom or apathy and try to offer their next stretch project. If they’re entering a new life phase (maybe becoming a parent, let’s say), anticipate what they might be thinking and feeling and come up with solutions before they’ve even asked for them. If you get a hunch that they might be starting to look for a role elsewhere, send them a note saying how much they’re valued, or offer a small pay incentive. Do whatever it takes, and always be one step ahead.

It pays to look ahead, too, no matter where you are in the organization. Is your boss thinking of moving on? Is there (another!) restructure in the cards? A change in direction that will affect your area? Might the company be in some financial trouble? Perhaps the Christmas presents were a little smaller than the year before? By keeping your finger on the pulse, you’ll always be one step ahead.

RULE #58: LET THEM OFF

You’ve heard the saying “Get the right people on the bus,” which was made famous by Jim Collins back in 2001 in his book Good to Great. Getting the right people on the bus means making sure you have awesome people riding along with you as you build your company into the force it can be. Metaphorically, these people need to be the right ones, and they need to be sitting in the right seats before the bus can begin its journey.

Sounds easy, but of course it’s more difficult in practice. Hiring great talent takes time and effort, and it requires you to have an X factor that puts your brand ahead of your competition.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my business when it comes to people, and most of these mistakes come down to keeping the wrong people on the bus for far too long. I’ve wanted to do the “right thing” and be the “nice person” and keep my fingers and toes crossed that they improve or the situation would somehow work itself out. I’ve been around the block enough now to know that neither situation ever really eventuates. If you know someone isn’t right, you need to ring that bell on the bus signaling for it to stop, and then you need to gently escort them off it.

When entrepreneur and author Marie Forleo spoke for Business Chicks, she said, “It’s not always about who you hire. It’s about who you fail to fire. Those people will ruin your business.”

Amen, sister.

RULE #59: REMOVE THE PEAS

As a kid, I hated peas. I’d stash them in a glass of milk or down my socks when no one was looking. I’d put them on my sister’s plate when Mom and Dad weren’t watching and find them in my pockets days after, too. One time at school we had to give a speech and were allowed to choose any topic in the world. The other kids chose subjects like the Vietnam War and Newton’s laws of motion. I chose to talk about how much I hated peas.

Stay with me here. There’s a reason I’m talking about peas.

If you’re a leader, your job is to remove the peas. It’s to get rid of the friction or the pain points or the frustrations that your team members experience at work each day.

Does their equipment work well? Are they comfortable? Do the rules of the company make their life (at work) harder or easier? What can you do to support them? All of these questions are important ones for leaders to consider. If you can build a reputation for serving your people and trying to remove the roadblocks that make parts of their work frustrating, you’ll be well on the way to gaining their trust and earning your credibility.

I was in my office recently and walked by the desk of one of the team members. This team member is responsible for doing tasks that take up a bit of space: receiving all the mail and packages that come in for the team each day, plus managing all the outgoing mail, too, and she always seems to be sorting receipts and paperwork as well. There were piles of stuff everywhere, and while it looked reasonably organized, you couldn’t see the top of her desk under all those piles. If the lack of available space was giving me a small amount of anxiety from just walking past it, then I could imagine she might be finding this quite frustrating. I asked her, “Is this setup working for you?,” and she said, “No! No matter how I try to organize myself, I never seem to have enough room.” I went back to my computer, did a quick search online and ordered a small bookshelf that she could place beside her desk to organize all that paperwork. She was super grateful that I’d taken the time to find a solution and even asked her about it in the first place, saying, “I was just so in it that I couldn’t see that I needed a little more space, and anyway didn’t know that this was available to me, so thought I just had to suffer through with the one desk.” If you’re a leader, learn to tune in to what makes work frustrating for your people, and do what you can to remove those frustrations, no matter how big or small they are.

Don’t think of yourself as a leader quite yet? Think again. Even if you don’t have the leader title, you can still play a huge part in making work fun for you and your teammates. Instead of waiting for your manager to remove frustrations for you and your colleagues, also be on the lookout for problems you can solve for others. Get known as the positive, upbeat colleague who wants to help make work better for everyone, and you’ll be well on your way to getting that title you deserve.

RULE #60: PROTECT THE MAVERICKS

BE TOO MUCH. And do not apologize for it.

Luvvie Ajayi Jones

I’ve always been drawn to mavericks. Mavericks think differently, act differently, and in most cases piss people off. They’re the ones willing to speak their minds, offer up an unthought-of perspective and generally do lots of cutting: cutting the crap and cutting to the chase and in the process cutting some relationships too.

Mavericks are often misunderstood, and they can be hard work, but every extraordinary organization needs them. Without them, a company remains ordinary (just like vanilla ice cream) and won’t ever be able to truly find a point of difference.

No one can argue that mavericks haven’t changed the world. Dame Jane Goodall listened to not many people apart from herself, studying chimpanzees and creating a perhaps peerless conservation legacy in the process. Malala Yousafzai championed girls’ education and wouldn’t let the Taliban silence her. Greta Thunberg continues to insist world leaders listen to her demands for immediate climate change action. As for business mavericks, we wouldn’t have our iPhones and our MacBooks without Steve Jobs, and our VPL (visible panty line) disappeared thanks to Spanx’s Sara Blakely. The renewable energy space wouldn’t be as exciting if Elon Musk hadn’t done his thing with solar power and electric cars and space travel, and if you’ve ever flown Virgin, you owe that experience to perhaps the original maverick, Richard Branson.

One of my favorite mavericks is Luvvie Ajayi Jones. Luvvie calls herself a “fear-fighter” and wants us all to become one too. In her latest book, Professional Troublemaker, she writes, “When we talk about people being their full selves and how a lot of people are afraid of it, it’s not that people don’t want to show up as themselves. It’s that they know that when they show up in their full splendor, they will be judged for it. Being ordinary and unremarkable is hardly a life goal, but we are often scared into being that way.”

Mavericks are relentless in their pursuit of their goals. They take no prisoners. They don’t let roadblocks stand in the way, simply side-stepping them and carrying on. They shun old ways of thinking and are always curious about how to do things better. They’re ruthless at imagining new futures, being doggedly creative and taking the risks that others don’t dare to.

Mavericks are misunderstood and often struggle in companies where the culture is “let’s all be nice to each other and relate and always agree and never rock the boat.” The problem with this type of culture is that we’re so busy relating to one another and keeping the peace that we miss the opportunity for critical thinking and extraordinary ideas. Without a maverick to interrupt the pleasantness, companies can never exploit greatness.

If you’re the maverick in your company, keep going. We need you and your tenacity. If you’re not the maverick, please don’t try to tame them or drive them out. Protect the maverick at all costs. Your company’s life depends on it.

RULE #61: DO MORE DELEGATING

Deciding what not to do is as important as deciding what to do.

Jessica Jackley, co-founder of Kiva

If I turn the clock back twenty years, I remember a version of myself that hated delegating. It always felt like I’d failed if I had someone else do what I should have been able to do myself. Thank goodness I got over that way of thinking—now anyone who knows me well will tell you that I’m a total boss when it comes to delegating. This is mainly because I don’t have the time to be in the detail like I used to, and I’ve also realized that most people can do so many things better than me anyway.

If you’re a leader and not yet convinced that delegating is a key skill you need to focus on developing, let me try to win you over. By delegating effectively, you give your team more confidence, and you empower them to do their best. When you delegate well, you’re showing others that they’re important to you and that you believe in their abilities. Delegating tasks to your team also builds engagement, as you’re showing trust and silently sending a message that says, “You’ve got this.”

Here’s how I went from “I’ve got to do it all myself” to becoming a delegating pro:

I got specific Ronald Reagan, former president of the United States, was known as being a master delegator. It’s widely reported that to get what he needed done he simply had a knack for asking his people to handle it. A key to Reagan’s skill was being specific with his requests, and this is something we should take on too. Instead of asking, “Will you send me that report?,” you should be even more specific and leave no room for ambiguity, saying instead: “I need you to please email me the final sales numbers for Q1 by four today.” If you can master being really specific and clear with your communication, you’ll make it easier for yourself and easier for your people to meet you with what you need.

I learned to let go In my experience of watching people struggle to delegate well, I’ve seen it mostly comes down to one foundational problem: not being able to let go. People who struggle with delegation generally want to be in control, and as we all know, so much of our work and our lives is, at some level, uncontrollable. Giving up the need to control is a beautiful feeling and means we get to focus on other things and trust other people at the same time. I’ve really practiced letting go of situations and problems in my home, and that’s been a great teacher in delegation: I can be sitting working and hear one of my kids fall over and let out that sort of cry that means they’ve hurt themselves. If it’s at a time when I have someone else looking after them, I’ve trained myself not to jump up and run to them (unless the cry is one where I can just tell it’s going to result in a hospital visit—then of course I’ll go running). My point is that I’ve learned to let go and not be the linchpin in every situation at home and at work. Others can and should be trusted to do their jobs well.

I never set anyone up to fail It would be unfair to delegate a task to a person who’s not up to it. That’s just a waste of your time and theirs, and it’s a sure-fire way to make someone feel inept. I’ve learned to delegate to people’s strengths, and I’ve also learned that we shouldn’t delegate to members on our teams just because they have the lightest workload or others are too busy. I’ve learned that your most effective people are those who seem to be able to take on as much as you’re willing to trust them with (provided they’re not completely overwhelmed, of course).

I use delegation as a training technique Delegating can make for a great opportunity to teach someone a new skill. You’d start the conversation with: “I really need you to take this on, as it’s becoming too much for me and I know you’d be great at it. Can I show you how to get it done?” Too often leaders delegate without giving the proper training and instructions and then get frustrated if the task isn’t up to their standards. When you invest the time in your people and show them the way, everyone wins: they get to learn a new skill, and it’s one less thing on your to-do list as well.

I practiced over and over until it felt more comfy If you aren’t at ease with delegating, practice starting with smaller tasks until you’ve built your confidence a little. Also start with the low-risk tasks that aren’t business-critical so if it goes awry, you can step in and get things back on track.

RULE #62: BECOME AN APPRECIATION EXPERT

It’s pretty simple: your workplace will become happier when people feel appreciated and valued.

I think I’m pretty good at this, but I’ve tripped up many times in the past, and I still stumble from time to time in doing my best to show my people I care. For example, I wanted to buy each member of my team a plant for their desk at home recently (I’m a crazy plant lady and get so much joy from my planties, so I thought they might too). I tracked down all their addresses and then started writing personalized messages, sending the plants out before I realized that the plant place didn’t deliver to some of the areas where our team members lived. Oops. I messed up, but I’m human, and I had the best intentions. I felt bad about this, but also resolved to make it up to the people who missed out.

Plants aside, the thing is this: your people need appreciation from you. They need to know they matter, and it’s your job to tell them that, over and over again. Where it gets tricky is that they need it in different ways.

When I was much younger, I enthusiastically read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Revolutionary! I’m sure you’ve read it or at least heard of it, but the basic premise of the book is that there are five love languages. Chapman says we all speak in a primary love language, and we have secondary ones too. The secret to a great relationship is to work out the love language of your partner and communicate in that language as much as you can.

Chapman later teamed up with Paul White to write The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, which I’ve found to be an extraordinary resource. I’ll often refer back to it when I’m struggling with how best to motivate someone on my team.

The five languages of appreciation are the same as the love languages:

1.   Words of affirmation

2.   Quality time

3.   Acts of service

4.   Tangible gifts

5.   Appropriate physical touch

My CEO, Olivia, won’t mind me sharing this learning experience with you. Liv and I have worked together on and off since we were in our early twenties when she came into my first company (a recruitment agency) looking for a job to support herself through college. Recognizing her brilliance in about the first thirty seconds of our meeting, I snapped her up for my company instead of releasing her onto the temp market like she initially wanted.

Liv and I are often mistaken for sisters and always know what the other is thinking without either of us having to use words. She’s a fierce leader, often wearing her heart on her sleeve, highly passionate (she’s half Sicilian, after all), and she’s also loyal to the core.

Given I know her so well, you’d think I’d have worked out by now how to tell her how much I appreciate all she does for me, our team and the company. And I really have tried over all these years. I’d tell her all the time how awesome she was, and I’d write to her all the time telling her what a great job she was doing. I always did my best to thank her when I noticed something she’d done well. I always felt like I was highly intentional with this gratitude—I put a lot of effort into it and really tried my best to thank her often, and I’d feel like crap and it would really bother me when I knew I hadn’t shown my appreciation for a while.

Still, every now and then something would come up and she’d tell me she didn’t feel appreciated. What? I just couldn’t understand it. I could pull up ten emails from the past few weeks where I’d been highly demonstrative with saying how well she was doing and how much I appreciated it. In my mind, I’d remember the gifts I’d bought for her over the years or that voucher to her favorite store. I totally appreciated her!

For ages I thought the problem was with her, and once I said to her, “Liv, I actually can’t tell you any more than I am about what a good job you’re doing. You just can’t hear it.” We were both frustrated, because I felt I was doing a pretty good job at showing my appreciation, while at times she still felt unappreciated.

Then when I read The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, it was like someone had flicked on a switch in my dim head and everything looked bright again. I sheepishly realized that I’d been speaking “words of affirmation” as my love language (because that’s one of my own primary languages) whenever trying to show Liv my appreciation. And when I bought her those presents, that was me speaking in the “tangible gifts” language. Neither of those languages are Liv’s languages. I mean, sure, what person is going to say no to a bit of extra love in the form of a gift, but I was missing the mark and she wasn’t feeling it.

Because I knew Liv well and was now armed with this new information, I was able to work out straightaway that her primary language is “quality time.” In fact, it’s the thing she’d ask of me the most, and because it’s not my language, it’s the one thing I’d try to avoid the most. Since having this epiphany, I’ve worked really hard to make sure I reach out and get enough one-on-ones in the calendar for us, and I’m trying, where I can, to carve out more time for her, even if it’s just to have a brief conversation that starts with, “Tell me how things are going for you at the moment.”

The language of quality time is not just about sitting next to someone all day—it’s really about the quality of the time you spend together. People whose primary appreciation language is quality time might be grateful for you joining them as they head out to get their daily coffee or even accompanying them as they run an errand at lunchtime. It’s more about giving them your personal attention, because this is when they feel loved and appreciated the most.

I remember a time when I employed a gorgeous girl, Samir, on my team. Samir was completely magnetic: her smile was infectious, and I never saw her sad. You couldn’t help but giggle and feel a little more upbeat when Samir was around. She was a part-timer and only worked in my company two days a week, and those two days were often the highlights of my week. Thinking about Samir’s time with us now, though, it’s crystal clear to me that her appreciation language was appropriate physical touch. We were a small business back then of about fifteen people. Samir would bounce into the office on those two days—she always lifted the energy and nothing was ever a problem for her—but I soon learned that not everyone in the team felt the same about her enthusiasm for touch. The first thing Samir would do every day when she arrived at the office was to go around to every single person and give them a huge bear hug and a kiss on the cheek. At the time I thought it was brilliant—I mean, you can’t make this stuff up! Samir was a true real-life fairy, and I’d never seen anything like it before. How lucky were we to have someone so delightful working with us?

The problem was that not everyone speaks in the language of “appropriate physical touch” and a few of my other team members just found it very uncomfortable and awkward. They staged an intervention of sorts and called a meeting with me. “Em, you have to stop her from doing this to us!” they said. “What do you mean, what has she done?” I asked them incredulously. “She comes in and hugs us every single day, and it’s way too much!” they all said. I laughed and promised I’d talk to her, which I did, and Samir watered her hugs and kisses down to just a huge smile and wave from then on.

If you’ve been given the privilege of leading others, take a moment to think about their appreciation languages (this might take some discovery and discussion to find out), and do your best to speak in those languages wherever you can.

RULE #63: FANCY CHAIRS FOR EVERYONE

I’ll never forget the day I received a direct message from a woman who’d seen me at the end of one of our huge events. It was late in the afternoon, the crowds had left, there were a handful of exhibitors left packing up their stands, and the cleaners were settling in for a long night ahead.

In one section of the event space, there were 500 rented chairs to be folded down and stacked up. I rolled up my sleeves and got to work. This woman caught me in the middle of the task, three chairs under each arm, laughing along with a few of my teammates. In her message, she wrote: “I’d spent the day listening to you speak up there on stage and was so impressed, but seeing you like that afterward (when no one was watching) took my breath away. Leaders can say whatever they want, but their actions speak so much louder than words, and I was so inspired that you were in there doing the work just as much as your team.”

Reading this woman’s happy message made me remember an unhappier story from a friend of mine, Molly. Molly worked at a medium-sized advertising agency for a number of years. As the business grew, so too did the environment: there were bigger offices, more meeting rooms, more people and more projects. She told me that she’d never forget the morning she walked in and saw two brand-new fancy ergonomic chairs there. Molly excitedly mentioned the chairs to her manager in passing and asked if their team would be getting them too. The manager wasn’t sure but thought it was a great idea, so promised to ask on behalf of the team. Turns out the chairs were just for the two owners of the agency, and the request got declined. From then on, those two new chairs served as a reminder to Molly that the two owners mattered more than the rest of the team did.

I can’t ask my team to do any job I wouldn’t be willing to do myself, nor would I expect them to work under any conditions I wouldn’t work under myself. I’m not above picking up the phone to chase a debtor or pitch to a client if I can be useful—and if I couldn’t afford a fancy new chair for everybody, then I sure as hell wouldn’t just get one for myself.

RULE #64: AGITATE TO BE BETTER

In so many of our meetings, I’ll sit back and listen carefully to the debate and opinions being expressed around the table. It’s easy to fall into the trap of groupthink where everyone goes along with the consensus of the group in an attempt to reach an outcome faster because, well, it’s just easier. After all, everyone at that table has lots to get on with, and it’s less painful (and quicker!) to go along with the majority sentiment. Being vulnerable and going against the grain takes courage, though. Being the one to say, “Hmm, I’m not sure. Are we missing something here?” is definitely the braver option.

Like with any business, we’ve experimented with our visual identity over the years. We’ve changed our logo, our colors and our tagline a few times as we’ve grown as a business and more deeply understood who we want to be. We’re lucky to employ very skilled design people now who are passionate about the visual brand and do a wonderful job of managing it. But every now and then we lose our way and go off course. I’m often the last one to see any visual brand changes, with the team presenting the final result to me and not bothering me with all the iterations along the way. If I don’t catch it early enough, though, I can be put in a difficult position. If I’m shown something that I don’t like or that feels like too much of a departure from “us,” the easiest thing would be for me to say, “Oh, it’s great, well done.” The more unpopular decision is to say, “We can do better,” which often means going back to the drawing board and starting all over. Dang.

It’s a strong leader’s role to hold up a mirror to your people’s greatness and gently encourage them forward until you know they’ve stretched and grown from it. Being a strong leader also at times means making the harder, more unpopular decision that needs to be made.

Amazing leaders don’t have a need to make people feel comfortable when they sense that their discomfort may shift us all for the better. One of our members, Dixie Crawford, is incredible at this. As an Aboriginal woman, she’s constantly agitating for growth when it comes to discussing race and privilege. She won’t back down because someone is uncomfortable. Instead, she challenges people to see another perspective and equips them with new information so they can do their own work on exploring these vital issues.

To me, leadership in its rawest form is not being scared to seek and to question, and when we see people who have fallen asleep, we need to make it our responsibility to wake them up. More importantly, we need to be willing participants when it comes to others doing the same for us.

RULE #65: KILL THE GROUPTHINK

Brainstorming didn’t unleash the potential of the group, but rather made each individual less creative.

Jonah Lehrer

If there’s one thing I’ll do almost anything to avoid, it’s groupthink. As I said before, groupthink is basically when decisions are made as a group, robbing the process of creativity and ensuring no one in particular is truly responsible for the outcome.

In a lot of companies, individuals don’t speak up and express their opinions, knowledge or expertise, because they don’t want to rock the boat or make people feel uncomfortable. Or they’re worried about having their ideas belittled or shot down. Their desire to maintain relationships and preserve harmony feels more important than disagreeing with the consensus. Instead, they stay silent, and that silence can be misinterpreted as agreement. This can lead to flawed decision-making, a lack of innovation, a loss of revenue and, if not picked up soon enough, the death of a business or effective team altogether.

It’s something I’ve seen play out again and again by groups of well-intentioned teammates who don’t want to offend anyone and want to make sure they keep the peace. They also don’t want anyone to think they’re less intelligent or their idea is a silly one, so they just nod and smile along with the group.

In the virtual/remote-working world, groupthink has increased. In fact, it’s now got its own name: Zoomthink. It’s awkward to speak up at times over a computer screen—there can be slight delays, and the tech can be glitchy. We also struggle to hear every word being spoken, and we lose the body language and other nuances that are easier to interpret when we’re face-to-face. In most cases it’s easier to just sit there and nod and smile.

The 1986 Space Shuttle Challenger disaster is known as one of the most significant cases of groupthink. It’s widely reported that engineers and managers knew about potential problems with the launch, but because of “go fever” didn’t speak up. The results were disastrous, with the spacecraft exploding 73 seconds into its journey and killing all seven crew members onboard.

Here are some ideas to combat groupthink if you’re seeing it emerge in your workplace:

Zip it If you’re the leader of the group, try sitting back and not contributing your opinion, at least not at first. Humans are wired to want to both impress and agree with the person who holds the most authority in the room, so instead of putting forward your ideas, listen to what others are saying and try not to influence the group by expressing yours.

Silence is golden Ask the team to take a few moments to collect their thoughts and write down their opinions, ideas and solutions. During this time no one is allowed to speak so that individual suggestions can be recorded.

Break up the team Form smaller groups and have them go away to problem-solve before returning to present to the broader group. This is a sure-fire way to increase diversity of thought, and the smaller the group, the better.

Work through each suggestion Instead of dismissing an idea, analyze it and discuss the pros and cons before coming to a conclusion.

Get outside help If you have an important decision to make and fear you might be at risk of groupthink, bring a consultant in to help manage the process to ensure you’re not missing something.

If you find yourself in a problem-solving session and you’ve got a thought about something that could be done better, express it. Find your voice and put forward your opinion. If it lands aggressively, practice being gentler in your approach. Or practice speaking more assertively if you’re usually one to hold back. And, if no one’s listening, find a new audience or find a different way to deliver the message. Just don’t do nothing and ignore the problem if it’s yet to be solved. It’s not just leaders who are responsible for seeing problems and finding better solutions—really, that’s up to all of us.