CHAPTER EIGHT
Keeping the Peace
There is no one else responsible for ensuring that you are at Peace other than you. Keeping the Peace is not your spouse's role, nor is it the role of your boss or best friend. You, and only you, can ensure that you have a peaceful mindset.
Keeping the Peace is a process. You can use systems and techniques to ensure you stay in the right frame of mind. Each person may do things a bit differently based on their personality wiring. I, for one, need a system even though I don't naturally love the monotony of daily rhythms.
I have found that the best leaders intentionally manage themselves and their Peace. They must know themselves to lead themselves well. Ideally, this self‐leadership is a daily exercise.
To keep the Peace, I must be right in certain relationships. I am a feeler by nature, and I need to feel good about my relationship with God, my wife and kids, and business partners. If I am off in any of these, it affects other parts of my work. That is important for you to think about: What must be right for you to be at Peace?
In my past, I tended to store up frustrations and let them build up like a shaken‐up soda bottle. Little emotions would gather and mix with more significant issues until the “straw that broke the camel's back” would explode like a volcano. My patient wife had to deal with my storing up of internal frustrations and not managing my emotions well. This process was like a form of sabotage as I didn't have a strategy for keeping the Peace.
I don't do that anymore. A few years ago, I began leading myself on the inside by managing my emotions, so they didn't become volatile; instead, I am making them work to my advantage. Here is what I do to keep the Peace inside of me daily.
1. Call‐Up Session
I start my morning in Peace from the night before, which I will explain in‐depth here.
When I wake up, the first thing I do is go to the mirror and give myself a look—I try to find myself. No, I don't look in the mirror and smile like the old SNL Stuart Smalley joke of saying to myself, “I feel healthy. I feel happy, and doggone it, people like me.”
Instead, I try to catch myself from the daze of coming out of sleep and say something like, “Hey man, there you are. Let's go.”
That starts a mental exercise process before my physical exercise called a Call‐Up session. As I get dressed for my morning workout routine, I call myself up into my identity. I will get personal here and share some things that I say to myself. Please note that this is me and my own words to activate me early in the morning. You will have your own words and sayings that motivate you.
I usually say things like this: “Hey dude, it's time. Let's go. Wake up. Remember who you are. You are a liberator—a freedom fighter. You fight for the highest possible good in others. Let's go.”
The process will wake up my mind and spirit as my body comes awake. After 50 years of living, I am finally finding out how to align my body with my mind, emotions, and spirit early in the morning. It's about time!
At this point, I'm dressed and ready for the workout routine that my decathlete son, Will, helped me create in the garage gym. My Call‐Up session lasts the entire workout. I usually have air buds in with either pump‐up music or listening to some podcast as I continue to tell myself who I am, which is the core of Identity thinking. We must remind ourselves who we are.
Once I am fully alive, I begin telling God who He is to me today. Connecting like this brings me Peace as I feel aligned by the end of the workout. Again, this is my process, which could look different for you. The key here is to call yourself up and have alignment to feel connected with what is most important to you.
This process can take 15 to 45 minutes, depending on your schedule. It is not the length of time that matters; instead, it matters that you do it.
What motivational sentences, phrases, or bullets come to mind when thinking about your Call‐Up session? What would inspire you to keep the Peace for yourself every day?
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Once I complete my workout session, I continue the Call‐Up session as I shower and get dressed. I remind myself what I am doing that day and what superpowers I have to share. When I turn the shower on, I start praying for “people of peace.” I got this from reading about how Jesus changed the world when he taught his students what to do when they were going out into the villages to help people. He taught them how to look for “people of peace.” If they found someone who wasn't, Jesus told them to shake the dust off their feet and move on, which is a great way to keep the Peace, by the way. It removes the chaos.
The morning Call‐Up session does several things for me:
- It is a better way to wake up.
- It gets my mind in gear quicker.
- It reminds me of who I am.
- It gives me a way to connect with God, which I need to feel good about my day.
- It causes me to start thinking positively about the people I will meet that day.
- It is a system, and it feels good to complete it every day.
Many of you have mastered this through devotions or mindfulness, which may incorporate breathing techniques and meditation. I am just an average guy who has found something that fits me. I hope you will do the same in whatever works for you.
Does this sound like a lot of work? It can seem that way until you try your version of it. Here is the reality: you already have a morning routine but probably don't realize it. Why not make it better?
Most people wake up and check email or social media. When you do that, you allow other people to set your agenda when you are not ready to receive it. Why do that? Why let someone's writing or post from yesterday affect you when your mind is hazy and waking up?
If this is you, then you might move straight to the tasks at hand and begin to craft emails or phone calls. If you're not careful, this can lead to worry or anxiety, or frustration with the person you are responding to in your mind. This system is not productive or healthy. There is a better way.
Keeping your Peace requires you to start your mornings with intentionality. Peace requires work, and when you accidentally wake up in the mornings, you will receive the consequences of accidental living—messiness and drama.
Start tomorrow. Create a system that builds in some wake‐up, motivational Call‐Up comments to yourself that are not cheesy to you. Schedule some workout time with devotions or inspiration more critical than your to‐do list. You will have time to get your list accomplished. You want to make sure you are as sharp and prepared as possible to deal with your tasks in the morning.
The Day
When you have set the Peace in the mornings, the day is more engaging and inspiring. You have more energy to do good work, more grace to give to others who could annoy you, and more perspective on what is essential and what isn't.
Get after it. Take ground in your job. Do good work. You know who you are and what you are about because you remind yourself in the morning and continue to call yourself up into that identity.
This process has taken me decades to begin to master. During my earlier years, I was prone to the emotional whims of others' comments. While I would start my day with devotions, I would quickly move into my task world with little Peace, which would lead to becoming emotionally up and down. This process led to inconsistency as a leader as some days were full of laughs and joy, while others were full of dread.
If you establish your morning in Peace, your days will be better because you train your mind to handle things in perspective. You become more secure and confident with who you are, and you know that the relationships you value the most are aligned in trust.
My morning routine is so helpful, but it is not enough. Yep, I said it. My morning Call‐Up is not enough for me to keep the Peace every single day. I have learned that I had to add an afternoon process to help me stay self‐aware and deal with any issues during the day.
2. The Examen
Every afternoon at 5:30 p.m., my alarm goes off to remind me that it is time for the Examen. The Examen has changed my life. Literally.
I did not create the Examen. It is an ancient reflective practice created by Ignatius of Loyola in 1522. As a Jesuit, he developed the method to help his followers improve discipline, increase self‐awareness, and to become more aware of God in their lives.
Many are familiar with this reflective exercise and even use it daily. I have found that many don't, so I have adapted the Examen to fit my afternoon process. For the purists, please know that I value the complete Spiritual Exercises written by Ignatius. I have found something that fits my daily routine and modified it to fit my life.
When my 5:30 p.m. alarm rings, I immediately do the Examen in this format by asking myself these questions.
- What am I grateful for today?
- Where was I off (or on) today?
- What do I need to be ready for tomorrow?
That's it. This process has changed my life. Why? Because it causes me not to allow emotions to build up over time, which I have a history of doing.
It is important to note that this process takes me anywhere between 5 and 15 minutes. I don't take notes or write in a journal. Instead, I contemplate the Examen wherever I am in the world—be it on an airplane, driving home, or running errands. My wife, Kelly, and I will even do the Examen if the alarm goes off while we are together. Also, I like to do this before dinner to clear my mind, and there is more Peace over dinner and the evening.
Phase One: Gratitude (1 to 3 minutes)
Try it right now. Ask yourself this question: What are you most grateful for today? It usually is between two and four specific and not general items. Don't overthink this. You could be thankful for a colleague or a successful meeting, your kids making good decisions, or a date night with someone special. You establish gratitude in your life, which leads to more health and Peace.
There are times when I will text someone my gratitude if I can, which makes that moment even more powerful. Either way, think about two to four things you are grateful for at the end of a long day and, where appropriate, tell someone.
Phase Two: Where Was I Off? (3 to 7 minutes)
Phase One takes a couple of minutes, especially as you get used to it. This next one, however, is much more difficult. It's difficult because you need to be vulnerable with yourself and willing to look in a mirror and see broccoli in your teeth.
Most days, we will have negative emotions or feelings toward someone or something. There might also be frustrations about a situation that causes you to react negatively. It is vital to have a trap to catch this negativity so it doesn't affect other people and so you can process it and deal with it appropriately.
Here is how it works. Ask yourself, “Where was I off today?” or “What didn't feel right?” Your mind will begin to package memories of the day to answer those questions. Examples might be “I didn't like how I responded to my wife. Why did I do that?” or “That conversation at work was so frustrating.”
What you are not doing is finding a list of wrongs from others. The Apostle Paul writes, “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” The key here is “as far as it depends on you.” That means it starts with us before we look at them. Looking inward is the secret of this section of the Examen.
I must state here a concern I have for some of you. If you tend to dominate yourself by bringing high challenge without high support, then this process could cause you to become even more harmful and dominating toward yourself. That used to be me.
I have focused on liberating myself by giving myself more grace while still holding myself to high standards for the last season of life. The Examen reinforces accountability without leading to shame or guilt. I am keeping short accounts with myself so that negatives won't stick to me. That could happen to you as you learn to keep the Peace through the Examen process. You must be willing for it to do its magic.
Here is a commonly asked question: What if someone did something today that was their fault, and it is real?
My usual process is to observe where I was off today, and I always start with me. If, however, I find that it was an issue with someone else and not with me, I then go to the source and address the issue directly. I use the Examen process to ask the question, come up with a solution if possible, and when and how I will manage them. If it is a challenge, I always deal with them face to face.
One other secret: I am learning to give them the benefit of the doubt. Not long ago, I had a situation come up with a business colleague, and during my Examen, I processed what felt off. I recognized one issue that was mine and two or three issues that seemed aggressive toward me. I immediately scheduled a call with my colleague, shared where I was off, and asked if we could process a couple of items. Two of the areas were simply misread, and one led to a more meaningful conversation about our communication in the future.
In my past life, I would have stored that up, keeping records of wrongs until too many moments had gotten pent up. Eventually, there would be a straw that broke the camel's back, and I would have hulked out in an awkward frustration.
“Where was I off today?” is a process of humility. It makes you more secure and confident as you get better each day.
One of my fun projects is working alongside Kevin DeShazo with the players and coaches on the University of Oklahoma football team. We are helping with sports performance and often share the concept of 1% improvement daily. When a player gets that, the quality of practice, school, and relationships goes up tremendously. This 1% every day adds up to a positive number at the end of a cycle.
The same is true for you. The Examen helps you work on the 1% improvement every day.
Phase Three: Preparing for Tomorrow (2 to 3 minutes)
Again, the entire Examen process takes me 6 to 15 minutes per day once I became proficient at it. The last stage of my version of the Examen is to review your next day, today.
What are you doing? Where are you going? What do you need to do now for tomorrow that you haven't already done? Who do you need to call, etc.?
Being prepared tactically is essential. Even more important is to be ready emotionally or relationally. To do that well, I will look at the calendar, think about the person, and try to walk a mile in their shoes. I will frequently also pray for the person or the situation to ensure that my intent and attitude are on target.
This section takes a few minutes and sometimes leads to a few more tasks either right then or that evening. What is encouraging is that this part of the process brings Peace in that I feel prepared and confident about the next day the night before. That allows me to enjoy my evening with far greater Peace than I have ever had before.
The Call‐Up session in the morning and Examen session after work are fantastic ways to help me keep the Peace. However, over time, I have found that they are still not enough to help me keep the Peace needed in my life.
I recently added one last process for those evenings where some negativity or unrest made it through the filters I have created. It is a new exercise I am experimenting with as I sleep.
3. R.I.P. Sleep
R.I.P. might be a bit dramatic since it is a phrase mostly correlated to resting in the afterlife once someone has died. Rest in Peace is the goal here. I want you to sleep in Peace like you are dead (only not).
It is possible to sleep much better than you do. Most experts state you should shoot for seven hours of sleep per night. They are insinuating that those are good hours of sleep, which most do not experience because of pent‐up emotions, frustrations from the day, and the pettiness that seems to stick to us and become enflamed in our minds when we try to sleep.
Each of us has a conscious and a sub‐conscious. When we sleep, our conscious minds turn off and go to sleep, while our sub‐conscious stays fully awake as we sleep. The sub‐conscious is where dreams reside. Dr. Jarrod Spencer, who counseled me for years, shared that our minds are like computers, and at night they begin putting away the open files to reorganize the mind. If too many files are open or there is conflict occurring with others, the files will jam in the brain and cause a lack of sleep or more profound frustration.
Our subconscious is where all the pain and drama and negativity reside. That is why we must do the hard work of cleaning it out, keeping short accounts, and forgiving people. We must turn things off to turn on rest.
To keep short accounts and bring more Peace, I choose a theme every night and then wake up to it the very next morning. Some nights it is a phrase like, “Choose hope,” or “Eradicate negativity,” or “Worry is a prayer of disbelief. Stop the worry.”
I then ask God to do the work on me while I sleep. It seems to make sense to me as a Maximizer. I have six to eight hours of sleep ahead of me. Why not ask God to work on me while I sleep? Why not allow my mind to reset for the next day with Peace?
This entire process may sound crazy to you. That's okay. How is your current sleep working for you? Sleep Peace works. Try it. Or create the process that will help you keep the Peace. Whatever it takes.
For me, I:
- Call myself up in the morning to set the tone.
- Do the Examen to ensure I am managing my emotions.
- Engage Sleep Peace to make sure I am maximizing my rest.
Peace is available if you are available. Create the systems that allow you to eliminate the unrest to be a person of Peace to others. You will have conquered the chaos that keeps you from being your best when you do. You will have won the war for your well‐being, a noble pursuit.