I am not overselling this tool to say that it is the greatest genuine communication tool ever! The reason for that is that I believe it is the cornerstone of building relationships. And while we all recognise the modern business landscape that we live in is based on technology, it is the building of relationships that will, in many cases, separate you from the competition.

It is also important to point out that this particular tool of influence is the cornerstone of building relationships in four key areas of business and life:

• conversation (small talk)

• sales

• management

• customer management.

This tool is gold! Let me ask you: have you ever been in one of those situations where you were at a party and you became involved in small talk and the conversation wasn’t going very well. You found yourself scrambling for subject matter and, after searching your brain, you settled on riveting conversation topics such as the weather. Everyone has had those uncomfortable conversations. But with tool number 5 at your disposal, that awkward conversation will never happen again!

This is also a fantastic tool to help salespeople gather the critical information about the clients that they need to influence. It is about discovering valuable information about your clients and what is most important to them. In terms of customer management, this is the information that makes sure you are able to build long-term relationships with your clients to drive retention levels with them as well. This is the tool that will give you the information to demonstrate your care factor with the clients of your business and turn them into raving fans.

From a company perspective, this is also a tool for managers to understand what is most important to their employees. It is a tool that will drive up retention levels in organisations and increase staff engagement. Employees want to work for managers who care about them as people.

That is a pretty big sell-job on the power of this tool. It is called F-O-R-D or simply FORD. As I say to my Australian audiences, I tried to come up with an acronym for Holden, but I could not! In the United States, I tell them I tried to come up with an acronym for Chevrolet, but could not. So FORD is what it is!

FORD questions uncover what is most important to people in their lives. Quite simply, it offers a series of questions, depending on context, that people want to discuss because they are the things that mean the most to them.

• F stands for family.

• O stands for occupation.

• R stands for relax.

• D we will talk about later.

The power of F-O-R

I want to start with the power of conversation and how you will never again be caught up in an awkward conversation when you are armed with this tool. To demonstrate this, I want you to imagine that you are in family setting. Let’s imagine that you are at a family barbecue and you are now in the position to talk with others that you do not know. Most people meet someone new and forget their name within two seconds of meeting them and struggle to know how to control or direct the conversation. That will never happen again once you are a master of FORD!

The F questions

Okay, so you are in a family context, so you are going to start by asking an F (family) question. Ask these questions using the person’s name as often as possible to cement the name into your head. F questions may include:

• Hey, nice to meet you X. Which one of these kids running around is yours?

• Fantastic! How many children do you have?

• That’s great. Are you both from Melbourne?

• Oh, yeah, X. How long have you been together?

• Terrific, X. Where do you live?

• All right, X, that’s a beautiful suburb. Where do the kids go to school?

• Wow. Congratulations, X. What a great family.

Notice that with each F question, you follow up their answer with a positive response. Nice, fantastic, great, yeah, terrific, and wow are all made more powerful if you nod your head to support them. All of these words will reassure the other party that their answers were appropriate. It is very important to note here that it is critical to really listen. Don’t just rush from one question to the next. Instead, while it is great to make observations about their answers, be cautious to not start telling them all about you.

Remember, most people in a conversation are totally focused on themselves. They love to hear that other people approve of the public self that they brought to that party. Which brings me to the most important point — these are questions about them. Do not decide that now is a good time to steal the stage back and start talking at them. Keep going with the questions and simple observations unless you are really asked to expand about something you said. If you are asked, tie your discussion to mutual points and find an opportunity to swing the question back to them. Once you have exhausted the F questions, you are now ready to transition to O.

The O questions

The O stands for occupation. This is where you discover what they do for a job. You want to find out how they might have become involved in their current role and a little bit about where they would like to see their current job take them. O questions might uncover, for instance, that they have their own business. If so these are some O questions to use:

• So, X, what do you do for work?

• That’s great that you run your own company. That’s a big growth industry too, isn’t it?

• Do you enjoy being your own boss?

• That’s great, X. What’s the greatest challenge in your business?

• You are obviously very driven, X. What’s the plan over the next couple of years?

• Are you looking to grow the business and stay in the industry long term?

By the same token, the O questions might uncover that the person works in a corporate setting for a large organisation. If they work for a company, the O questions might include:

• So, X, what work do you do?

• That’s great. That’s a good company, X. What do you do for them? What is your role there?

• Wow. How is your company going in the current economic climate, X?

• Good for you. Do you see yourself staying with that organisation long term?

The questions may even uncover that they are not working at the moment. The O questions are still gold. An example of this may be:

• So, X, what work do you do?

• Fair enough, X. What are you looking to do?

• That’s great. I’ve heard really good things about that industry. What did you do before, X?

• Fantastic. It sounds like you have a great plan, X.

Obviously the O questions could end up focusing on volunteer work, charity work, along with the joys and challenges of raising children full time. Regardless of which path the person goes down, I want to share with you a little gold in the transition from the O questions to the R questions. This is one of the quickest ways to gain rapport in this conversation. It sounds like this: ‘Wow — you sound like you are so busy!’

This is gold! Everyone likes to be told they sound like they are so busy! That is because in this society we equate being busy with being successful. Everyone likes to hear how busy they are. It makes people feel important and effective.

I run this with CEOs and ask them about their organisation. As we discuss the challenges and critical decisions that need to be made, I make sure I respond with: ‘This is a critical time, X. You are obviously incredibly busy with all the decisions that you have to make.’

They love it!

‘Why yes, Chris,’ they say as their chest puffs up with pride. ‘It is an incredibly busy time.’

I run this with salespeople and ask them about their organisation. As they go through all the appointments and calls they are doing, I make sure they are validated.

Again, they get so excited, and reply, beaming with pride.

They are so happy to be acknowledged for their busyness.

Again, you can also run FOR with unemployed people. Recently, I asked someone what he did and he responded that he was in between opportunities. He proceeded to tell me how busy he was going to networking breakfasts and meeting recruitment companies, and having coffees with different contacts. I said to him: ‘Man, it sounds like you are busy! You are really attacking this thing, X. Sounds like you are absolutely going full on. You need a break. What do you do to relax?’

He jumped in: ‘I am flat chat, mate. I am so busy. Just as well I’ve kept playing golf!’

The R questions

The R questions are designed to open conversation up around what they enjoy doing in their free time. The R questions may include:

• You sound busy. What do you like to do to relax, X?

• That is amazing, X. What do you love about it?

• Really? That’s fantastic, X. I’ve always wondered about that.

• That’s great. How do find the time to do it, X?

• Well done, X. How often do you get to go there?

In a family context, I am going to ask you questions in exactly that order. F-O-R — I am going to FOR you. In fact, before I walk into that family context I am going to stand outside the front of the house and repeat to myself, FOR! FOR! FOR! But I find that it is better if you say it internally rather than externally!

These are questions of discovery that create rapport. Do not get tied up in selling yourself to them by rambling through your own FOR information, but rather ask them about their FOR information. Notice their response.

Where to start with FOR

A number of years ago I was asked to be a guest for a radio station that was holding a speed dating event. The idea was that they were going to bring together single women and tradesmen (plumbers, electricians, builders, landscapers), and they would have an opportunity to have a brief conversation to see if they wanted to go out together. The promotion was called Tradies for Ladies.

They brought me in with the idea that I could help the tradies communicate at a higher level to increase the likelihood of the ladies being attracted to them. What we learned very quickly, of course, is that what ladies like about tradies has absolutely nothing to do with their communication skills! Instead it has everything to do with the ripped six-pack abs and their tool belt!

Anyway, I was talking on the radio and introducing the tool of FORD. I was explaining how it was a conversation tool that could guide the questions the tradies asked the ladies so they no longer had to think about what question to ask next. The radio host then brought up a great point. Obviously, the tradies don’t want to start by asking F questions. They would open up the conversation asking about the lady’s family. It would not be appropriate to try to pick someone up and openly discuss the person’s family, who they do not know.

It was a good point. If you are a man trying to pick someone up, I don’t recommend that you open by asking, ‘So, how’s your mum?’ That’s just wrong.

Instead, we need to change the F question. It changes from family to friends. Questions might include:

• So, X, who did you come here with tonight?

• Are you roommates, X?

• Did you grow up together?

• How long have you known each other, X?

And away the conversation goes.

In a family or friends context, the tool of FOR questions will guide you straight down the line and you will never have to struggle again. It is gold!

The power of O-R-F

What if the scenario has neither a family nor a friends context? What order do you put the questions in then? What order do you put them in if it is a business context and you are meeting a client for the first time and wanting to gain rapport with them?

It is very simple. The order changes to ORF. You are going to ORF them.

You begin the conversation from a professional frame and you ask questions about their organisation. These may include:

• Tell me a little bit about your organisation, X.

• X, what are the greatest challenges that the sales team is facing at the moment?

• How are they currently dealing with those challenges, X?

• What do you think is the future of your industry?

• So, X, how are you going to have to adapt to those changes?

You would continue to ask the O questions until you feel that you have an understanding about their organisation and what their role is within that. It is then that you can transition to the R questions.

• Wow, X, you sound busy! What do you like to do to get away from it all?

• What do you do to relax, X?

Following a discussion of travel, golf, yoga, football, swimming or running, the next transition is back to the F questions. This could, once again, be family or friends depending on the context.

If there is evidence that they have a family, you may pursue the line of family questioning:

• I see a ring on your finger, X. You are married? Fantastic. Do you have children?

• That’s great, X! Is that a photo of your children? (In an office setting.)

• Fantastic. How old are they now, X?

If there is no family evidence, the friends path may be the most appropriate and questions may include:

• You mentioned before that you are on the board, X. Do you know Steve Y?

• Wow, X! It is a small world. I have known Steve for years. How did you meet him?

• You may know Amanda as well. I worked with her in my previous role.

You are now working to connect on a more personal level (either family or friends) and gaining a deeper level of rapport. It is possible, however, that with ORF questioning the F may be inappropriate. You will be able gauge this. With many clients it might take months before it is appropriate to ask and engage around the F questions.

The power of R-O-F

What do you do if the context of the conversation is not family, friends or occupation? What order do you put them in if it is a relaxed context? For example, what order do you put them in if you are at a football club, tennis club or yacht club? The order will then become ROF!

You could start by asking all sorts of questions about their thoughts about the football team, tennis club or yacht club, because that would be the setting of these conversations. The transition from R questions to O questions would simply be, ‘By the way, X, what do you do for work?’

The O questions would once again be followed up with that great affirmation of perceived success, ‘Wow, X! It sounds like you are really busy.’ This would lead to the F questions if it is appropriate. ROF!

You never have to struggle again! The days of awkward conversations are gone forever! All due to the power of FOR-ing, ORF-ing and ROF-ing! Depending on the context and setting of the conversation, it is easy to ask the questions in the right order of the things that people are most interested in discussing. Once again, do not get caught up in telling people about your FOR. Ask them about their lives. After all, most people’s favourite subject for discussion is themselves.

What is the D?

What is the D? I hear you ask. That’s a great question.

The D stands for deep.

Are you able to get the person that you are speaking with to share something that is really important to them? The hope is that they will share something and confide in you on some level. People only share something deep if they trust you.

For example, imagine that you were in a business context and you had a meeting with a decision maker. You could easily have a surface conversation where you spoke about the organisation and the goals of that company (O questions). By the way, they really are very busy! You may have also found out a little bit about what it is that this person likes to do in their free time (the photos on their desk of them skiing gave you that insight). They love to ski and travelled to Europe to ski last year (R). In fact, the photo has children in their ski jackets as well (F). You worked out that all three of their children like to ski. You have successfully navigated an ORF conversation. However, throughout it all, you have the sense that the client held their cards close to their chest. In other words, information was at a minimum so the trust level was probably also very low.

Guess what? You have had a small-talk meeting, with no D, and it is likely that you will miss that piece of business.

The D is the gold! This is where, for instance, salespeople have uncovered a gap within the business and the decision maker felt comfortable and trusted you enough with that information to share it with you. This is the basis of a relationship where you may be entrusted with helping them solve that challenge.

One of the best ways to get the client to open up and share some D information with you is to ask them a sunset question. Ask them to describe the current situation at the organisation and also a desired situation or perfect world scenario. There will almost certainly be a gap between the current situation and the desired situation, which opens the door for the D.

For example, imagine a scenario that you were working with me, and together we were asking a client about the gaps within their sales organisation. The future-based question could be, ‘Let’s go 12 months from right now. For your sales team to be producing at the level you would like, what changes would they have to make in their behaviour patterns?’

The sales director might then highlight which behaviours they would like to see more of, and which behaviours they would like to see less of to get to that desired situation. If the sales director is able to be open and honest about why the gap between the current situation and the desired situation exists, then you would begin to get the D! This idea of looking ahead to a perfect world scenario will be something I come back to later in the book. I will discuss this in more detail and tell you how you can use this skill to uncover the truth in each different scenario.

There is one important point to highlight at this stage. If someone is giving you the D, make sure that you stop yourself from thinking about what you were going to say next and focus on what the person is saying. When someone is sharing their concerns with you, make sure you listen. I am sure everyone has had the experience of sharing something really important, only to have the other person begin to talk about themselves. It feels terrible. Make sure you give your full attention to anyone who is sharing the D with you. Respect the D!

FORD as a leadership tool

Most employees want to be inspired. They are looking to their leaders to create a work environment that is exciting and that they can be proud of. Typically people want to know that their leader is genuinely interested in their lives.

Have you ever worked at a place where nobody really knew you? Have you ever worked at a place where the opposite was true? Have you worked at a place where the leader was truly interested in your FORD information?

A leader’s FORD checklist

Can you answer the following questions about all of the people that you are supposed to be inspiring every day?

The F information about every person you are responsible for:

• Their name as well the names of their partner, husband or wife.

• The names of their children.

• Their pets (if possible or unique).

• The schools the children attend.

Obviously they work with you, but do you know this about the O:

• The jobs they do within your organisation.

• The challenges that they may be facing.

• The opportunities that are exciting for them.

• The job of their partner, husband or wife.

The R information from a leadership perspective includes:

• What do they like to do in their free time?

• Where do they like to holiday? Is there a holiday house, and so on?

• What football team do they follow? Is there another sport they watch or play?

• What other activities or hobbies do they enjoy?

The D information with leadership is simple. This is where I make a change. I change the D information from deep to dreams. This does not mean that I walk up to them and say, ‘Hey, tell me about your dreams, man.’ Instead, throughout the conversation and discovery about them, my goal is to uncover what they are really hoping to achieve in their lives moving forward. This could include goals within the business, investments they hope to make, or even health and sporting goals that they are hoping to achieve. The information from a leadership perspective is:

• What is this person hoping to achieve in the next 12 months and beyond? How can I help them get there?

FORD as a database

One other really important use for the tool of FORD is that it is a terrific way to track customer information in your database. For managers and salespeople alike, let me ask you a question: how much FORD information do you actually have about each client? Do you know their family details? Once again, the F information in the database should include:

• Their name as well as the name of their partner, husband or wife.

• The names of their children.

• Their pets (if possible or unique).

• The schools the children attend.

The O information in the database should include:

• Their organisation, as well as the organisation of their partner, husband or wife.

• The jobs they do within that organisation.

• The challenges that they may be facing.

• The opportunities that are exciting for them.

The R information in the database should include:

• What they like to do in their free time?

• Where do they like to holiday? Is there a holiday house, and so on?

• What football team do they follow? Is there another sport they watch or play?

• What other activities or hobbies do they enjoy?

The D information in the database is also dreams. Once again, throughout the conversation and discovery about them, my goal is to uncover what they are really hoping to achieve in their lives moving forward. Just like with leadership, this could include goals within their business, investments they hope to make, or even health and sporting goals that they are hoping to achieve. The information in the database is:

• What is this client hoping to achieve in the next 12 months and beyond? How can I help them get there?

Imagine the power of picking up the phone and speaking to a client that you have not spoken to in 12 months and being able to access their FORD information. You never have to struggle to remember the details again! Don’t struggle — get the FORD information in the database and you will know the children’s names and the client’s favourite football team forever. Most importantly, you will know some of their long-term plans with the business (D), so you can help them match a solution to their challenges.

Chapter 5 summary

I spoke at a conference recently and the managing director of an organisation stood up. As soon as the FORD slide went up on the screen he shot up and said, ‘Chris, can I interrupt you?’ There were 350 people in the room, but he is the boss so of course I agreed. He proceeded to announce to his entire sales force that he had seen me present the idea of FORD at a conference in Fiji and considered it to be the single greatest tool of communication that he had ever come across. He explained how he used it every day and it had made a phenomenal difference in his successful business conversations.

The measure of a good conversation is whether or not you uncovered the D. The question is whether or not you were able to uncover the D (deep or dreams). For the next meeting you have, ask yourself that question. Did you really uncover something that was important? Did you uncover something that was significant for them that they felt comfortable sharing with you? Because if you did, it means they trust you.

FORD is a great tool for conversation. Think of all the different areas in which you would be able to FOR, ORF or ROF in small talk. You never have to struggle again!

Challenge yourself if you are in sales and leadership. Do you know the FORD information about your clients? Are you clear about the FORD information about your employees and the people that work within your organisation? Do you know the FORD information about your team?

Finally, FORD is a fantastic tool to manage information about clients that will build relationships over time. Do your clients share the D with you? Do you understand what they are dreaming about? Do they share that with you? Have you earned their trust? By the way, do not forget to respect the D. When someone shares the D with you, spend the time to listen, focus and understand exactly what is important to them.

FORD is gold!