Chapter 17
The Buck Stops Here
Why wait to be great? It’s either NOW or TOO LATE! The only time we have is this moment right now, and it’s up to us what we do with it. The moment you had five minutes ago is gone forever! That’s how life works. How we act in each moment is up to us. Giving 100 percent means giving it everything we have. It’s about playing at 100 percent in all that we do — whether it’s kicking a ball with our kids, working on a business document, riding a bike in the park, or having an afternoon nap. It’s about doing it all to the best of our ability and being in the moment. It’s also about being passionate.
My father taught me about passion and giving 100 percent when I landed my first job at age fifteen, scrubbing cupboards in a cafeteria. Not my idea of a great vocation!
Dad was dying of cancer at the time, and one day, before I left home to catch the bus for my first day at work, he called me into his bedroom. Lying in bed, he said, “Go scrub those cupboards, girl, like there’s no tomorrow.”
“But Dad,” I whined, “I don’t want a job scrubbing greasy cupboards!”
“It’s good money, so go and do the job,” he said. We were struggling financially as a family, and the money would be very welcome.
After our conversation, I remember travelling on the bus at 4:30 a.m. with a completely different perception. I was no longer scrubbing cupboards; I was saving my family! I scrubbed those cupboards so hard I almost brought the wood grain to the surface again! I finished the day with greasy hair, greasy skin, and my boss admiring my hard work. Well, let me tell you — within three weeks, I was the milkshake maker. Straight up that corporate ladder!
What my dad was really telling me was the old quote from Voltaire that Stephen R. Covey has made famous: “The enemy of the ‘best’ is often the ‘good.’”
When I heard those words, my first reaction was “Huh?” I had to play that message over and over in my head until it clicked with me. The enemy of your best is when you choose good instead.
How are the kids doing? Good.
How’s work? Good.
How’s that school project? Good.
How’s life been? Good.
How was the holiday? Good.
It’s as if we accept “good” as our standard — not our best! Imagine what might happen if we aimed for our best instead of good, every time. We could quite possibly have the most wonderful life imaginable! But why don’t we? We get too comfortable doing what we know, aiming for goals we’re certain can be easily achieved. We do them at a level that no longer presents a challenge for us, one that avoids the possibility of stress. Especially as we get older, we tend to shrink our fear zone and stretch our comfort zone; not wanting to be challenged, we settle for easy and then wonder why the joie de vivre has gone from our life. Good enough becomes our standard, and we make excuses for why we can’t give our best.
I invite you: the next time you’re walking along the beach or at the park or even just sitting at the dinner table with the people or person you have chosen to spend your life with, really be there as if you will never ever be with them in that place again. Reach deep inside yourself and find what you need to say or do to support those you love. We all tend to complain about our lives, but what if we considered the alternatives? What if we didn’t have what we have? I can’t imagine my life without my two boys. Nothing in our lives together is ever so bad that I would ever want to change that. When we consider the alternatives, I think we realize just how fortunate we really are.
The next time you’re holding a baby in your arms, hold that baby like you’ll never hold another baby again. It may seem a strange thing to say, especially if you don’t have children, but I’m suggesting you hold that baby tenderly for the memory of a fourteen-month-old son of an old friend. Morgan was only fourteen months old when his little life ended. I used to bounce my babies in my arms to help them fall asleep (I think there’s something special about falling asleep in your mother’s arms). Some nights, my arms would hurt from their weight, so I would just bounce them faster! I would get really frustrated, feel angry, and think, “Just go to sleep, will you?” But then I thought of beautiful Morgan and said to myself with gratitude, “Hurt away, it doesn’t matter; I have my baby in my arms.”
The same applies to your work. The next time you’re serving someone in your role — whether in business, as a volunteer, or in community service, serve that human being as if you’ll never, ever be able to serve him or her again. Serve that person as if tonight she or he will die, and you’re one of the last people to make a powerful, positive impact on that person’s life. When you hold people in such a special, vulnerable place, you really do reach deep inside and pull out the best “you” that you have to offer. Remember, this is someone’s Book of Life, and every action, every deed, and every thought makes an imprint somewhere.
We spend so much time focusing on ourselves that we forget how powerful we can be in the life of another. Lao Tzu, author of the Tao Te Ching, explained, “There is no more noble job on earth than to be of service to another human being!” We all have an ability to sense what is real and what isn’t. If we pay enough attention, these truths will come to us from anywhere and anyone.
The Truth
Perhaps something stirred in you as you read this book. I hope you paid attention. Sometimes it can be hard for us to hear the truth within because we may be so stuck in a certain behavior that we’re not yet willing to let go of it and move on. I know some people who keep themselves sick (unconsciously, but also sometimes consciously) because of the benefits they get from being sick. Those benefits may be attention, being excused from responsibilities they’d rather avoid, less pressure, or even dependency — whatever benefit or secondary gain they get overrides the freedom of living their life in truth. “It’s not my fault!” they cry, as they continue to refrain from doing anything that will contribute to their getting better.
It’s just the same when we blame others for the way we react. Our anger, sarcasm, aloofness, and self-pity all become someone else’s fault. “If they hadn’t behaved that way, I wouldn’t have reacted this way!” is the cry of the person who denies the truth of her own lack of self-control.
Our Pitman will tempt us to run from truth at times, and it can be overwhelming to take total personal responsibility for ourselves, but at the end of the day, only our truth, along with the courage of our Flipman, will set us on the right path.
Being honest is simply telling your own truth — your truth as it is for you, within you. Not what you’ve been taught to believe, not what you’ve read, but the deep, inner knowing that tells you the difference between right and wrong, good and bad. We each have our own internal compass, our own Flipman that will always guide us to that honest place, if we pay attention. I’m not talking about not stealing $200 out of the till, or not taking a few cookies from the cookie jar. It’s not that sort of honesty. The honesty and truth I’m talking about is our personal honesty. We, and our internal Flipman, are the judge and jury of our personal honesty. We don’t have anyone outside of us who can really determine whether we’re being honest or not.
I remember someone commenting on another’s authenticity. The only person who truly knows whether you are authentic or not is you. The truth that has the greatest impact on your life is your own personal truth. “The truth will set you free.” That is such a powerful biblical statement. The truth really will set you free.
I know a woman who held a secret about her past for almost her entire life because she had labeled it as shameful. This experience happened to her, yet in some way, as many of us do, she blamed herself. When she “came out” about her experiences to those she loved, years and years of anguish and torment were washed away in moments, because everything made sense. The way she mothered her children, the way she allowed people to treat her, the way she held bitter attitudes that didn’t seem to be congruent with who she was, the way she emotionally distanced herself from those she loved. When she shared the secrets of her past, she created meaning for her behaviors and attitudes, and everyone understood why she was the way she was. Her truth set everyone free!
We all have a story, and I have a huge amount of compassion for events that people have experienced. I also know that when we use these stories as excuses, we are not living in truth; we are living in the Pit.
Claim Ownership of Your Story and Your Life
Honesty is about taking ownership and responsibility. If we’re going to change our world, then we had better start changing ourselves first. As we now know, when we’re in the Pit it’s so easy to place issues outside of ourselves. If our relationship ends acrimoniously, it can be tempting to lay blame on the other side, especially when we’re filled with bitterness and the need for revenge. Pitman loves it when we’re being the victim. “You did this to me; you caused me all this pain; you ruined my life!” It is no one else’s job to make you feel happy, satisfied, or loved. It’s your responsibility. Claiming ownership of your story and taking personal responsibility means that you’re in charge of your life.
I’ve seen people waste an entire lifetime holding on to bitterness. The Irish-American actor, writer, and politician Malachy McCourt said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Being bitter eats at you and gets in the way of your living a full and joyful Flipman life. Allowing ourselves to hate is self-indulgent and self-destructive, and it also preoccupies us so we don’t have to focus on owning our part or creating the life that will really serve us well. There are always two sides to a story, and the more in denial we are about our part in the movie, the more elaborate we get with the script writing. We have a choice: we can easily exaggerate our story, or we can sit in our truth and just own our part. Bring it in. Even if that means simply learning to forgive, then so be it. Forgiving yourself or someone else, though not easy, can transform your life. I’m not saying this in a lighthearted way at all; I know from personal experience that some circumstances take a lot of healing. But this is your life, and when you stay bitter and stuck in your past, you give your life away.
On the other hand, when we look at our issues like an explorer, we can start to search for familiar patterns. Relationships in particular offer us the opportunity to observe some of our most appropriate and inappropriate behaviors, beliefs, and values. No one is completely innocent in the complexities of a relationship, and in most cases it takes two to make it work or not work. It takes courage to accept and own our truth, but when we do, the path is cleared for incredible growth. So listen. Pay attention in those moments when it hurts to hear the truth. Be dissociated and see the situation as an observer watching your movie. Ask, “What do I need to learn from this? What am I supposed to be getting here?” Flipman will help you find an answer. It may not happen immediately, and it may not be easy, but if you’re serious about getting your truth, then you will find it, because the truth will set you free.
If you need to, create a new story. Create a new vision for your life, using these wonderful experiences as great teachers that have resulted in a wiser and more powerful you. You are not broken, you don’t need fixing, and you are not dysfunctional. Everything that has happened to you has been part of the great mystery called you! Each event, each heartbreak, and each triumph guides you step-by-step to your true self. All of your life’s experiences have been part of the formula to create the you that is here now.
Commitment
One of the most common traits of successful people is commitment. Commitment is being willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done — regardless! It could be mowing the lawn, going to your child’s concert, running a company with integrity, being honest, or being fit and healthy. It doesn’t really matter what the goal is; we can achieve it as long as we have commitment. Commitment in a relationship is often a funny thing. Most of us would say that we’re committed to our partner and kids, to our employer or staff, to our friends. But when things get a bit tough, most people in a relationship will threaten each other with ending the relationship:
“Go on then, pack your bags. I’m not stopping you.”
“I’ve had it with this relationship; I’m out of here!”
“They wouldn’t know what hit them if I left this place!”
We may say these things in jest, but remember that the unconscious mind believes everything we say.
As Harville Hendricks explains in his wonderful relationship book, Getting the Love You Want, when we make comments like that, we put “chinks in our relationship armor.” No wonder so many of us are walking around feeling battered!
People wonder why the magic leaves their relationship, yet if they were really committed to it, they would listen to the dialogue they use when communicating with their partner. Sarcasm, nasty little jibes, criticism, and judgment all serve to decay the very foundation we’ve been trying to build. Be a cup filler and write those love letters. Do what you can to find your way back to each other.
Why WAIT to be GREAT?
It’s either NOW or TOO LATE!
It’s time for you and me to say goodbye for now and start living our Flipman life. I hope you’ve come to realize that all of us are on this journey together, and we all have our struggles and our triumphs. Success is not about avoiding the challenging experiences of life; it’s about embracing them, really feeling them, and becoming a better person as a result.
Here are my final thoughts for you:
Change the way you view your past events. Our life lessons are encased in those events, just waiting for us to discover them.
Use Flipman as your support mechanism, always being aware of the seductiveness of Pitman. Flipman’s Strategy — See it! Say it! Feel it! Do it! — is the key to creating desired change.
You are writing in the Book of Life. Write something wonderful and positive in yours and in the books of those you love. Be a cup filler, not a cup driller!
Fear is just a heartbeat. Breathe through it and learn to manage it!
Have the courage to be the explorer in your own life. Find your greatness and know that your place in life is a vital one. If you don’t know your life’s purpose, relax; you’re probably doing it anyway!
Never fear the truth. Take responsibility for your life and embrace whatever it offers. Life is so precious, and each and every one of us has many gifts. For some of us, these gifts have been buried in the heaviness and darkness of the Pit, but they are there. Never, ever stop looking.
And last, let’s not avoid our pain anymore. Instead, embrace it, accept it, thank it, and be grateful for it. This book is not about replaying our painful stories every chance we get to whoever will listen. It’s about walking into our pain, staring our past right in the face, and reclaiming our power. This is when we transform our experience into wisdom.
How can we learn compassion and sensitivity for our fellow man without being hurt or moved by our own life experiences? Remember the difference between sympathy and empathy. Taking responsibility for yourself comes first, because when you take responsibility for yourself, you’re in a much better state to help others — to be of service to other human beings, without harboring bitterness and revenge.
To serve another with love in your heart — that, to me, is the greatest joy on earth, the greatest gift you can give.
All my love,