5

Appearance

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

—Christopher Lasch

She shuffled into the room alone and quietly took a seat in the back row, for the most part looking down at her shoes. She had on a red satin top that looked like it might have been pulled from her roommate’s closet and a pencil skirt that hugged her curves just a bit too snugly.

Her clothes spoke flashy confidence, but her demeanor was nothing like that. Instead of walking up to anyone with a greeting as bold as the blouse she wore, she sat by herself. After a few minutes, she headed to the buffet table where others clustered in easy conversation. She slipped through the crowds, placed a sandwich on her plate, and headed right back to her seat.

Although the woman was unnoticed by most others in the group, she intrigued me. She wasn’t the typical type of person to come to a networking seminar—not quite a social dynamo—and I had to know why she was here, to help her get something out of it.

I introduced myself to her and started to make small talk. She nodded and murmured in reply. I asked her about the color red, if it was a favorite of hers, and she looked at me like she couldn’t imagine why I was asking. Then she crossed her arms over her shirt.

“Louise,” I began, “Tell me what you’re hoping to take away from this seminar.”

“Well,” she replied, “I’d really like to find a new job, so I was hoping to make some connections. You know, network?”

Her smile was warm and sincere. I was compelled to help her. “So how do you think you’re going to make those connections sitting all the way back here?”

That smile again. “I’m kind of scared to talk to people I don’t know. I guess I’ve just always been really shy,” she said, and she crossed her arms over her shirt again.

Instead of waiting for the irony of trying to remain anonymous at a networking event to dawn on her, I gave her a nudge. The more I spoke with her, and the more she opened up to me, the more it was obvious that Louise was a classic example of a person walking around without any sense of brand—who maybe read a book that told her how to dress to stand out at a social function and was now wearing an outfit that made her feel even more self-conscious and withdrawn than she was.

In our short conversation, I learned that she hated being the center of attention, but that she loved helping others, that she really enjoyed being part of a winning team, but that she never needed any credit for what she did.

She was in dire need of a makeover and she had no idea. She was uncomfortable in her clothes, but there was way more to it than that. The way she carried herself, the way she held her body—the signs were everywhere that she wasn’t feeling her appearance was up to par, underconfidence on the inside seeping its way out. She knew she wasn’t presenting herself in the best possible way, but she didn’t know where to begin to fix it.

Louise is not alone. Most people are walking around oblivious about how they look and sabotaging themselves every step of the way. The good news is that the more you grow from inside (as you develop from saboteur to success with what you’ll learn in this book), the more you’ll flower on the outside.

Appearance is important for so many reasons. Everything is wrapped up in your wrapping. In this chapter, I’ll walk you through the essential elements of appearance and I’ll coach you to figure out if what you’re putting out there for everyone to see is helping or hurting you.

Let Your SPARC Buddy Help You “SPARC”-le!

It’s easier to speak to someone about their sexual proclivities than it is about their appearance. That’s why it’s especially important to have a SPARC buddy who not only has a sense of style, but also a sense of compassion when it comes to your appearance.

Though you may be sensitive and feel attacked by criticism that focuses on how you look and carry yourself, try and keep an open mind here! Remember, you chose your SPARC buddy (or buddies) because you want them to be open with you. This is a person (or people) who is only looking out for you, and who you feel will deliver the information you need to hear in a kind and constructive way.

Look, everyone has figure faults. But what we don’t always see are our attributes. It’s not a SPARC buddy’s job to point out those faults, but to help you see those parts of you that look nice. For the rest of this chapter, we’ll go through the elements we touched on here.

Words From the Wise—Dr. Katherine Mastrota, MS, OD, FAAO

Center Director, Omni Eye Surgery

A Stitch in Time Saves Nine

Visual hygiene is important particularly with extended close work or computer usage. Regular breaks from near focus, proper ergonomics, and lighting as well as the proper working distance and eyeglass prescription can reduce fatigue, headaches, and eye strain associated with these tasks. It is also key to maintain a near-normal blink rate as intense near work/computer usage tends to reduce the blink rate leading to ocular surface drying and discomfort.

Take a break from your computer every 20 minutes. You can even download a “blinker” for your screen to remind you!

It makes sense that if we are suffering from dehydration, so too will our ocular surface. I recommend to my patients to be mindful of fluid consumption and suggest increasing (appropriately) such if it seems inadequate.

Small yet important changes may be instrumental in delaying or preventing the negative changes in ocular surface as it responds to age, environment, disease, and contact lens-wear. Think ahead.

At the Core

Appearance is about hair and skin and clothing, but before that, it’s really about your “core.” This is the part of you that holds the rest of you together—the trunk of your tree, with your arms, legs, head, and neck as the branches. If this isn’t working, most anything else won’t. Fitness is your friend here. Having a strong core relies on strength training, which we’ll talk more about later in this chapter.

Posture is probably the most important aspect of your appearance that depends on your core. So many people are walking around with terrible posture, and it speaks volumes about their ability to achieve success. When your shoulders hunch forward, you immediately look underconfident. It doesn’t matter how confident you may feel; your bad posture shouts out to others “I can’t handle this” and “I can’t do this” and “Please don’t notice me; I’m the worst.” These are not messages you want to relay to potential clients or employers—or even romantic partners! You have to improve your posture. Here’s how.

I want you now to stand in front of a full-length mirror. I never knew until recently how many people don’t even own a full-length mirror, which seems crazy to me. I actually believe that viewing yourself in a three-way mirror, so you can see all sides of you, is the best way to view yourself, as this is the way others will see you. But most of us don’t have the kind of room in our homes to install three-way mirrors.

In any case, while you’re standing in front of that mirror, so you can see yourself from the side, I want you to put your weight a little forward so you’re on the balls of your feet, but keeping your heels firmly planted for stability. You’ll know if you’re standing correctly if you ask a friend to try to push you off balance. If you falter, you’re not balancing your weight correctly.

Do not pull your shoulders up or press backward. Instead, pull up from your hip bones (you’ll gain an inch in height if you do this). Hold your shoulders over your hips and align your ears over your shoulders. Now, take deep belly breaths, which will send oxygen through your system.

Here’s a good exercise to develop strong breathing: Breathe in and hold your breath for 10 seconds, then release slowly. Gradually increase the seconds you hold and release your breath. You can do this while walking at work or the grocery store or any time you are upright.

Good posture is not just for standing. When you sit, be sure to hold your body in that chair as if you could stand on a second’s notice. That means sitting more on the edge of the chair, with your weight off your hip bones. Again, breathe deep belly breaths.

The breathing you’ll do while standing or sitting has many benefits. Not only will it help you hold your body correctly, it will lower your heart rate and make you feel less anxious and more in the moment. As a result, you will look more confident (posture) and you will speak more confidently because the breathing will have made your concentration keener.

Gait

Yes, how you walk is part of your appearance, and you are judged on it all the time. Whether you’re female or male, it’s important to be graceful when you walk. Be light on your feet. Don’t clomp around like a horse; walk with dignity and pride, like you take yourself seriously and you care how you look. As you walk, embrace “an innate dignity.” Walk with a purpose—like you’re in charge of the world.

What to Wear and What Not

One of the biggest mistakes people make with clothing is that they tend to get stuck in the era they felt was their “high-water mark”—the time in their lives in which they felt the most successful and happy and in control. What a mistake that is!

I had a black watch plaid dress that I loved more than anything in 7th grade but I certainly couldn’t wear that dress now. I don’t think I could even fit my left leg into it! But I have found a very cozy black watch plaid button-down shirt that I wear on days I need to feel a little comfort from a past joyful and carefree time.

What doesn’t grow, dies. Remember? Could you imagine a tree holding on to its spring blossoms throughout the summer, autumn, and winter? Flowering trees are so beautiful in April; in November, they’d look a little ridiculous. The same goes for you and your clothes.

“Am I too old to wear this?” “Does this make me look fat?” If you’re asking yourself these questions, I think you already know the answers. You need to dress in the way that best flatters not only your age, but also your body type.

It would be impossible for me to address all of these issues with each of you individually, so in the following please find some general guidelines. To understand more specifically how to dress yourself for your age, body type, and profession, I recommend you make an appointment with a personal shopper every three to five years. It’s an expense worth incurring because the experience will help you understand how to dress yourself and inform what you buy and how you wear clothes going forward. Sometimes an expense is an investment, and this is a great example of that!

When you shop after your consultation, seek out the advice of salespeople on the floor. You don’t have to listen to everything you hear, but if you get a few opinions from people who spend their lives looking at people trying on clothes, you’ll go home with purchases that won’t be relegated to your closet with the tags still on for the rest of their lives.

Words From the Wise—Angelo Lambrou

Clothing Designer/Stylist

Feel Good, Look Good

Dressing up has become much more casual and less interesting. Life has become much more fast-paced. Most people have become less interested in looking special in an outfit that represents themselves and part of the reason is the fashion industry itself. Too much choice, too much information, too many contradictory opinions!

I think that people should take a harsh look at themselves in the mirror (or better yet, see a stylist) every couple of years to assess where they are in life and how their bodies are changing. In a world where everything is made easy for you, individualism has become less important and has led to an inability to decide what works best for you fashion-wise, from your own perspective.

Most people simply rely on trends and what the fashion industry dictates but, unfortunately, what is pushed in your direction as to what you should be wearing will not always suit your style, personality, or body type. More effort needs to be put into identifying what you personally like and dislike for yourself. This will lay the groundwork to making the right decision.

We are all different; we come in all shapes and sizes. By being aware of your body and identifying your best parts, and yes, worst parts, and dressing accordingly, you will put your best foot forward in how you look.

Feeling good in your clothes helps you look better in your clothes, and looking good will create an image of positivity that you project to the world. Looking good can be a life-changing experience. It may land you the chance to meet a date; it may lead to making new friends and will also be helpful in getting that job you’ve always wanted.

A Shoe In

It used to be that when I traveled abroad, I could always tell who the Americans were by looking at their shoes. Not so much anymore. We tend to get lured in by the prospect of having lots of pairs of incredibly cheap shoes, when what we should really do is invest in higher-quality classic shoes. Just because shoes are on sale (or are cute) is not a reason to buy them.

If you are not a graceful female, then you need to forget stilettos. If you don’t have good balance, then platforms are not for you. You don’t have to wear old-lady shoes, but the point of having shoes is to have something you can walk in. If you can’t walk in a pair of shoes, then you shouldn’t be wearing them.

I’m talking to the men here, too. You may not be as aware of this, but you are also being judged by your shoes! Gentlemen, don’t let yourself be swayed by a bargain. Invest in a few pairs of good, expensive shoes and you can’t go wrong. And please keep them polished, re-soled, and re-heeled when needed—this goes for men and women. Scuffed shoes are a dead giveaway to sloppiness.

The best time to try on shoes is at the end of the day when your feet are swollen from the day’s workout.

And as far as age goes, yes, feet are affected too. As you get older, your feet spread. That’s life. If you haven’t worn a certain pair of shoes for a few years, it’s probably time to get rid of them and replace them with better-quality shoes a half-size larger that you’ll actually wear and enjoy. I’m talking here about everyday shoes.

Dress shoes, of course, are a different thing. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: professional dance shoes. They are expensive, yes, often around $300, but they are timeless, beautiful, and made for, well, dancing. Are you the person who takes off your shoes halfway through the wedding? You can keep yourself together for the entire night, without pain, if you wear professional dance shoes. Think about it.

Words From the Wise—Alan Matarasso, MD

Board Certified Aesthetic Plastic Surgeon, New York

Saving Face

As we age, we lose volume, so really the trend has been to replace that volume through both fillers and surgery. Cosmetic rejuvenation is done to volumize and treat lines in the face.

Prevention is the best solution—having a good skin care treatment and program, and really treating things as they accrue with age is essential.

Start young in avoiding skin damage. Intervene when necessary. Ninety percent of sun damage occurs before age 22, so young people especially should be wearing sun block daily. Think of the acronym AEM:

Avoidance

Early intervention

Maintenance

In the ideal situation, you take action when you’re young—the nonsurgical interventions in order to maintain the skin. When you get to a certain point, you really need to combine both surgical and nonsurgical solutions. Aesthetic surgery will remedy skin looseness and hanging. The nonsurgical cosmetic procedures help soften fine lines, irregular pigment, brown spots, creases, and so forth. In the best of all possible worlds, people would be employing both procedures. You want to start early.

Determining if someone is the right candidate for plastic surgery depends on a host of factors, including a person’s history, goals, and an examination. Also, a good plastic surgeon offers alternatives.

There is a lot of talk about the “Liquid Facelift” and that’s where many people end up looking ridiculous if they are overfilled in an attempt to “lift up” what’s loose. They fill up their face to avoid surgery. They sabotage themselves by going beyond what they should with the fillers, or they do a whole burst of something at once and they don’t look right. The correct approach would be to do a small amount of filler, and then maintain the look in order to look natural. And then at a certain point you’ll need surgery; fillers alone will not lift sagging skin. It’s like saying, should I buy socks or shoes? You need both. They complement and enhance each other. “Lifts lift and fillers fill.”

Men have to be especially careful when undergoing aesthetic surgical and nonsurgical procedures to avoid looking overdone. Women have more options and what looks good on a woman will not often look as good on a man. What is common for males and will help give a boost to their appearance as they age are neck lifts and eyelid lifts. Other procedures can make a man’s face look too artificial.

Before you undergo cosmetic surgery, be sure your surgeon is matching your disagreeable biological condition with the appropriate treatment. You also need to understand the limitations of cosmetic surgery—the surgeon must work with what’s available. Lastly, you want to work with an honest, board-certified plastic surgeon who tells you all of the options available, plus the risks, complications, and alternative treatments. It’s important to work with someone who is honest with you.

The whole key is doing work at certain stages in one’s life, doing the right amount, and selecting the right surgeon. There are many very good surgeons who can give you an unoperatedon look. The goal is to look better, not different.

The bottom line is to take care of yourself. People get confused and think surgical and nonsurgical aesthetic interventions are interchangeable. They work hand in hand, not necessarily separately.

Just Face It!

We tend to favor the decade in which we were the happiest not only with wardrobe but with hair and makeup as well. Well, you’re not getting any younger and that’s okay. If you try to look 20 when you’re 50, you’re just going to look silly.

Should you get Botox or a facelift? That’s up to you. You carry your life in your face as you age. If you think you will feel better smoothing out some of those “rough times,” that’s what you should do. Just don’t overdo it!

One thing people overlook, if you’ll pardon the pun, is their eyeglasses. Nothing makes a person look more outdated than an old pair of crummy eyeglasses. Each season there are some quirky trends that you might find appealing as an accent piece. I’m not saying you have to change your eyeglasses four times a year! But maybe when you have an eye exam every couple of years or so, look at the frames available. If your prescription changes, consider a new frame instead of just replacing the lenses of your old frames.

For the guys, be aware of your facial hair. Trends change all the time. Few things will make you look more dated than a mustache style that was popular in another decade and which hasn’t become a “retro rage” just yet.

And teeth! So many people don’t realize what an impact their teeth make on their appearance and health. A regular teeth cleaning is essential. Scrutinize your smile. Are your teeth crooked, yellow, or gray? All of these potential pitfalls can be easily fixed. Invisible braces not only straighten your teeth but, as a result, improve your self-confidence. Teeth whiteners have come a long way. I’m not suggesting getting veneers that shine like 500-watt light bulbs and can look very artificial. Simple and not terribly expensive procedures are now available to make your teeth sparkle again.

Next are some Words from the Wise tips for men and women from makeup pro Lana Gersman, but keep in mind that these are general tips. Take advantage of the makeup counters found at any department store for a “free” consultation on how your makeup should look. (The word “free” is in quotation marks because though there isn’t a charge for these makeup pros to give you a makeover, you are generally expected to buy something.) If you’re being made up in front of a mirror, pay attention to the way the makeup pro is using her tools and ask her questions.

This is for men too. Although I’m not advocating you go and slather makeup all over your face, you might get advice on using a moisturizer or doing something to control your eyebrows. People notice scraggly skin and eyebrows and other facial hair that grows like weeds, and as you get older, eyebrows especially will grow out of control. Get some grooming tips and keep it up on your own. You won’t regret it!

Words From the Wise—Lana Gersman

Makeup Artist to the Stars

Putting Your Best Face Forward

I do consultations with people who don’t realize they have frozen their face in the decade they were their happiest. It’s important to keep updating the way you do makeup as you age. Less is more. It’s you who should stand out, not your makeup.

Quick Tips for Women

Instead of a face full of foundation, try something like Armani’s Fluid Sheer, which comes in many shades. It brightens the skin and gives it a lovely glow.

A heavy concealer might cover dark circles but, without question, it will also bring attention to the lines under your eyes. I prefer to pat in a liquid foundation a shade darker than what we have been traditionally fed. The lighter the concealer, the easier it is to notice dark eye circles coming through. A salmon color for light skins and a matching skin tone for dark is my gauge. Add it to the inner and outer corners of the eyes as well. It’s all about brightening your face without it being obvious.

Use base foundation to cover the reddish areas only, often around the corners of the mouth, under the eyes, and inner and outer corners. Spot the foundation and blend. Powder these areas with a sheer invisible powder. Over this, add a medium Bronzer, but not too dark. Focus mostly on the forehead, the nose, the top of the cheekbones, the chin—the areas that the sun would hit. The point is not to mask your face, which too many women do as they get older.

Use a rouge or tinted cheek color as opposed to a powder blush, which often sits on the top of the skin. Start with a little dot the size of a dime on each cheek and blend it by turning the small circle of color into larger circles but making sure it’s a flush of color and not a patch.

Always groom your brows, but don’t make them harsh or tattoo them. Too many women have what I call “tadpole brows,” meaning the front is heavy and the rest is very thin, looking like a tadpole. It should be a high even arch. Add a softer color to them as you get older. Even if you were a brunette, use a pencil or powder color that is several shades lighter.

Women tend to use too thick a mascara that look like spider webs crawling across their face. It looks dirty. Just use mascara on the upper lashes. And if black is too dark, because aging sometimes makes our skin almost sheer, then switch to a brown, focusing on the majority of color at the base of the lashes rather than the length. It’s the saturation at the base of the lashes that makes the eye pop. I have seen these horrible spider-like lashes that cling together in the most frightening formations because they are overdone. Again, it’s you who should stand out, not the makeup.

Blocks of eye shadow should not exist. Just soft sweeps of natural colors are best. Blending is the key.

Long square nails are creepy. Let the nail look like it grew from under the skin and not rise above it. A fingernail should look soft and gently manicured, not like a talon.

For lips, avoid dark colors and always check it’s not coloring your teeth. The finger in your mouth and lips curled around it should take excess off as you take it out of your mouth. Soft creamy or sheers, bright (not dark) lip colors are best. Our lips can change shape and look cruel as we get older, so adding a dark color can enhance the negative.

I believe Botox is the greatest discovery. It really softens wrinkles. I have used it since 2002, knowing that my family has a history of deep lines on their foreheads. And when it wears off, it’s a softer frown.

Fillers don’t work for fine features. “My dermatologist won’t let me use any fillers. If I added filler to the lines around my mouth, it would make me look like a chipmunk,” clients have said. I see a lot of these creatures walking the streets of Manhattan and Los Angeles.

The point is subtlety. You will never look like you did 30 years ago, just a better version of what you are now.

Quick Tips for Men

Men should moisturize immediately after showering. I see more and more men doing this, but there are still too many who do not. If men (especially bald men) have a very shiny face, they should prep thereafter with an anti-shine in a medium tone.

To cover grays, I see men dying their hair one dark color, which looks so obvious and ridiculous. The hair is made of many colors, however subtle, and so I would suggest going for gentle highlights that blend in with the gray. The use of one flat color brings the eye right to it. You want you to stand out, not the flat color of your hair.

If you’re balding, should you shave your head? I just worked with Sting who has recently shaved his. He looks great. He realized he is not the man he was 35 years ago. He is now a husband, father, and grandfather. He is aware of the evolution of Sting, from looks to music. You also need to be aware of the evolution of you.

You Are What You Eat

My mother never had a weight problem, yet somehow she had overweight kids. It wasn’t what she fed us. Part of it had to do with my father’s genes and part of it had to do with what we would try to feed ourselves. I still remember my mother saying to me, “You only need to have a taste of it. Don’t overdo it!” when it came to desserts and other things that weren’t quite the best for us to eat, but were too delicious not to.

It’s good advice. You don’t have to have three tablespoons of ice cream—have one. Savor the experience and move on. This is how the most successful weight-loss programs work, like Weight Watchers, for example. It’s not about depriving yourself completely, it’s about prioritizing. Weight Watchers uses a system of points; other systems work other ways. If you’re serious about losing weight to feel better in your clothes, see your doctor and/or a nutritionist and get on a program that will work for you.

I’m not going to get too far into this; this is not a book on nutrition and fitness, but your weight is a very important component of your appearance and self-esteem, that’s why I’m bringing attention to it. It doesn’t mean you need to obsess over it though. I can remember once complaining to my father, a WWII vet, “I have fat legs!” His response to me: “Be grateful; at least you have legs.”

Words From the Wise—John Foreyt, PhD

Professor, Department of Medicine and Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Baylor College of Medicine

Healthy Weight

You don’t have to be skinny to be healthy. The bottom line for all of us is health, not weight. There is a range of weight, not a specific number on the scale, which is healthy for us. We are all different depending on our genes, biochemistry, metabolism, and so on. God made us in all shapes and sizes and the bottom line for all of us is to try to eat healthy and be physically active every day.

The first step in behavior change is always self-awareness. Start by making small changes, one day at a time, every day. It’s not easy. If it were easy, everyone would be skinny. But luckily the new obesity guidelines just published point out that a weight loss of just 3 percent has been shown to result in lowered cardiovascular risk, including improvements in blood pressure, lipids, and type 2 diabetes.

People who have lost a lot of weight and kept it off report that they sleep about eight hours a night, eat breakfast, walk, keep a food diary, weigh themselves, and have a support person or group. I’d add they never give up.

For losing weight, reducing blood pressure, lowering blood sugar or bad cholesterol (LDL), it’s essential to make dietary changes. A food diary, (which everyone hates keeping because they are boring and monotonous) should be kept for two weeks initially, including writing down the usual, including foods and drinks consumed, and looking up the calories, fat grams, food groups, or points.

After getting a feel for what foods and drinks need changing, the next step is to look for reasons why it’s so difficult to change a diet. Usually it’s habits or emotions like stress, tension, anxiety, anger, depression, loneliness, and boredom. Those are not easy to change but it is possible. Anything you can identify can be changed, slowly.

We find the best strategy to help change negative moods is walking. We all know physical activity is good for us but, in addition to burning calories, it improves our mood and increases our feeling of well-being making dietary changes easier (it’s easier to eat healthy when we feel good than when we feel bad). Again, a little each day works. And more is even better.

Work It Out!

Again, this is not a book about fitness and nutrition, but being fit, being healthy, really does wonders for your appearance. Not only does good health show in your body (clothing size, etc.), it also shows in your skin tone. Getting regular exercise and being stronger and fit will make you feel better about yourself, and that will show in your appearance.

My main recommendation is for you to invest in a session or several sessions with a personal trainer. Before you balk at the expense, keep in mind that you don’t have to commit to a trainer (or even a gym membership) for life. Like the personal shopper and the makeup consultant, a personal trainer can analyze your goals and show you how to achieve them—without hurting yourself!

Words From the Wise—Ricardo Morales

Certified Personal Fitness Trainer at Equinox

Keeping Fit

We always want to help people achieve their fitness goals and make sure the process includes getting them what they need. To figure out what a client needs for a workout, I conduct a fitness assessment with baseline measurements. I assess mobility and stability through a Functional Movement Screen, as well as conduct strength and flexibility assessments. My client’s body mechanics let me know if corrective exercises are first needed before we begin to build their strength. In doing this, I’m able to tailor the workout routine and prevent injuries. I go over their weaknesses and imbalances, and try to explain why I’ve chosen the particular training style and programming approach for them and why they will gain from my chosen routines.

I talk with my clients about their goals and analyze their current routines and activity. Then, when they may lose motivation, I remind them of their original commitment and the reasons they started this journey. This is generally a good time to reassess and review progress, and potentially adjust goals. I keep clients inspired, informing them of their progress and continuing to set attainable goals.

I love what I do and I know results can come if clients stick with the programs I have created specifically for them. I’m very realistic with my clients and I let them know that I understand it’s hard, but if they follow a prescribed program, they will see the results. I don’t let negativity discourage me, and I maintain my positive and upbeat attitude no matter what.

I advise my clients to:

1. Drink more water.

2. Get more, better sleep.

3. Schedule your workouts like appointments.

4. Alternate strength/cardio/recovery.

Bottom Line

Anyone who tells you that your appearance doesn’t matter is lying to you. When you invest in your appearance, you’re investing in you. When you invest in you, it means you know that you are worth something, and when you project that you have worth, the world will see it and believe it too.