Stress is a very broad topic. We know we need a certain amount of stress to drive us and motivate us towards our goals, but how much is too much? What is the fight-or-flight response and how can it help or hinder us? In this chapter I will share a story about fight-or-flight and discuss the mechanisms behind a stress response. I will also look at the evolution from stress to burnout and ways to manage and prevent this.

Virunga National Parc, Rwanda

Suddenly the jungle foliage in front of me started shaking violently. I heard a thunderous primal groan and out of nowhere, a massive 600-kilogram silverback gorilla came charging straight towards me! At this moment I learned the true meaning of the fight-or-flight response. Not the textbook meaning that I learned in high-school biology or the work–stress version we are all familiar with, but the true primitive meaning of the terms ‘fight’, ‘flight’ and ‘freeze’!

In less than a microsecond I felt my whole body being fuelled by adrenaline. I felt my skin chill, my muscles get ready to run, my stomach contract and my eyes on full alert ready to take action. Should I fight, flee or freeze? I froze! I was paralysed by shock and fear and my whole body stood tensely.

I took a breath and let out a big sigh. Once I was over the initial shock, I remembered what François, our mountain guide, had said to us in the briefing before we set out in search of the elusive mountain gorillas of Rwanda. He said if any of them mock charge you, or walk towards you, just stop in your tracks and do not make any eye contact with them whatsoever. I trusted François's guidance as he had worked for many years with Dian Fossey from the famous Gorillas in the Mist movie¹⁰. The mountain gorillas of Virunga were his family.

So there I was, looking down at my mud-sodden boots, feeling a mix of fear and excitement surging through my body as the muscular silverback brushed directly past me and kept on walking. He stopped a few metres ahead of me, sat on his backside, effortlessly ripped up some lush foliage and started chewing on it.

I hesitantly lifted my eyes up from the ground and, against François's advice, glanced into his striking eyes. Then something really strange happened. I witnessed this majestic peaceful being in front of me and my fear instantly dissipated. Although his large stature and muscular body were intimidating, his human-like eyes and face were soft and kind. In that instance, I felt the connective nature of all things, man and animal. I felt love, compassion and kindness, and closely connected to this stunning beast.

I felt the full spectrum of primal emotions, ranging from fight, flight, freeze, fear and excitement, to love, connection, peace and harmony. I felt part of the ecosystem they call ‘life on earth’ as we spent the following hours with this male silverback's lovely family. I was honoured to witness the interactions of this mountain gorilla family in all of its splendour. I also noticed that all of the stinging pain I had on my bleeding legs from trudging through dense, stinging foliage and thorny bushes had totally disappeared.

Among the group of about 12 gorillas, there were foraging mothers, doting aunties, cheeky teenagers and even a gorgeous six-month-old toddler with soft black curls being carried by its mother, all under the watchful eye of the large silverback male. Somehow, in the thicket of the dense jungle, one of the curious teenage male gorillas managed to steal a guide's machete and was wielding it around like an uncoordinated young boy. This caused some dangerous fun and frivolity between the guides and the cheeky teenager primates but luckily nobody was hurt. The more time we spent together immersed in this unique encounter, the more human-like their expressions and mannerisms became as I sat in awe of their presence.

After some time immersed in this unique jungle interaction, I experienced the polar opposite of the fight-or-flight response when the young baby gorilla clambered off its mother's back and started wobbling its way directly towards me like a fragile little child. It crawled and clambered until it was about a metre away. Then it raised its arms as if it wanted me to pick it up. Obviously, we were not allowed to touch the gorillas, but I was so close that it would have been difficult to back off quickly without tripping over the tangled jungle floor beneath my feet. It was centimetres away from me as I felt a surge of oxytocin and serotonin (relaxation response) and what I would describe as pure, blissful joy! My body totally relaxed, my heart felt warm and my smile of pure joy was so big it hurt my face. This moment in time touched me deeply and the image of this baby gorilla with arms outstretched is etched in my heart and mind forever.

Moments later it started raining heavily and the caring mother scooped up her baby and headed through a small hole into a bamboo thicket, disappearing into the dense bamboo foliage. One by one the rest of the family slowly filed in after her and to my utter surprise, we were motioned by the guides to follow them inside. Here we all were, humans and gorillas, huddled metres away from each other, sheltering collectively from the torrential rain. The tangle of bamboo foliage was so dense we could not stand up. Just like the gorillas, we humans were forced to manoeuvre on all fours in the restricted environment while the gorilla family foraged and happily chewed bamboo shoots around us. It was so dark in the dense thicket that it was hard to tell the difference between humans and gorillas. It was exhilarating being so close to these wonderful beings.

All at once I sensed a sudden change of mood as François and his guides started communicating nervously. I noticed one of our friendly machine-gun-carrying guides dive further into the thicket and seek deeper refuge. Something wasn't right. We were trying to understand what was happening when we heard violent crashing and pounding outside our concealed place. It sounded like a bulldozer crashing through the jungle foliage around us. François started letting out some deep, guttural groans, which were the same deep, primal sounds he had made earlier as we were heading up the mountain in search of the gorillas. He had previously explained that this is the sound the guides make to let the gorilla family know that we are here and that we are friends. It is the same deep, guttural sound that gorillas make within their family groups.

François continued letting out these primal groans, which comforted me somewhat as we could hear the crashing of foliage getting closer and closer to us. With military precision, François signalled to all of us not to move a muscle and to stay exactly where we were. Here I go again: fight, flight or freeze, I thought. I felt a mix of sensations flooding through my body again: from excitement, to fear, to joy, to shock, to elation and everything in between.

There before us, just outside our bamboo thicket entrance, blocking out all of the remaining daylight, stood a huge black figure. Was the silverback coming inside? This gorilla was even bigger than the male silverback. It was the second silverback male of the family. He must have been over 700 kilograms in weight and, apparently, he had been following us covertly the whole time. François continued his deep, groaning calls, calming the situation as we sat motionless, trapped in our restricted environment. The huge figure entered the shelter, stopped for a moment scoping the mix of humans and gorillas, and then swiftly demonstrated a mock charge, giving my Icelandic travelling companion, Hilmar, a backhander on his shoulder on the way through.

Although I was petrified and expecting much worse, I could see that after his mock charge he meant no harm and that he was just showing us who was the boss. My initial surge of cortisol and adrenaline started to subside as he also settled inside the bamboo shelter watching over his extended family as we all waited out the rain together. I noticed I had been holding my breath in fearful anticipation the whole time, so I let out a long, sighing breath. I felt somewhat exhausted from these two significant fight-or-flight experiences all in the space of two hours, but I also felt high and energised from the unique experience. I have never felt more alive — when your senses are on super high alert and in real-life danger, you feel completely alive and alert.

This unique experience taught me that the primitive fight-or-flight response is real and deeply ingrained in our genetic make-up, which has helped us survive as a species for thousands of years. I learned that it is only designed for short-term stimulus, to get us out of that situation, and that we then need mechanisms to switch it off. I also discovered the polar opposite response, being the relaxation response, when I felt safe and connected to these amazing animals. This memory is etched in my body and mind forever.

Modern-day fight-or-flight (the stress response)

The primitive fight-or-flight response is a handy mechanism. It has helped humans survive and evolve into what we are today. While our modern-day threats or stressors are not likely to be the primitive sabre-tooth tigers or silverback gorillas in the wild, they may be in the form of your boss, your workload, looming deadlines, financial pressures, conflicting priorities and much more. Many people activate this stress response frequently in a day — it can even stay with them for a whole day or week. This leads to overload on the body's physiology and overstimulation of the nervous system, resulting in poor health. We need to learn methods for deactivating this stress response before it affects our long-term health.

The mechanisms that take place in a real life-threatening fight-or-flight response are the exact same ones that the body undergoes during a perceived threat or under extreme stress. Our bodies cannot differentiate between a real threat and a perceived threat. For example, you might be tossing and turning in bed, stressed about something at work, triggering a fight-or-flight response at 2 o'clock in the morning with stress chemicals pumping through your body even though you are lying under your warm blanket, safe from any harm. You have manifested the stressor in your mind and initiated the stress response.

This constant over-activation of the fight-or-flight response is damaging to the body and the mind and can cause a gradual burnout. We need methods to disrupt this stress response and the associated physiology before it creates long-term damaging effects. One of the best methods you have learned already is the 90-second breath technique described in chapter 1, which is very powerful in deactivating the stress response and nipping stress in the bud before it overwhelms you. There is another breathing technique — deep diaphragm breathing — that is also very effective for managing chronic stress, and I'll share this with you later in this chapter.

Achieving balance

Let's dive a bit deeper into the neuroscience of what goes on in the brain when it is operating in chronic stress mode most of the time. When we are constantly under stress, the amygdala, which is a small gland in the primitive part of the brain, raises the general alarm to initiate the stress response. Here's what happens in the brain and body within a micro-second of a threat: the body prepares for action as certain brain regions fire up; then the hypothalamus and primitive amygdala signal the body to turbo-charge into full alert in preparation for a threat, be it real or perceived. The pituitary gland and thyroid gland kick into gear and raise the metabolic rate, sending out messages to secrete stress hormones and chemicals. This activates the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the adrenal cortical system (ACS) to flood the body with about 30 different chemicals and hormones, including adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol. This in turn prepares the body for the threat: should I run (flight), should I turn around and prepare to fight, or should I freeze?

At the same time, the non-essential physiological processes that we don't need in this moment slow down or switch off. These include our digestion, higher thought processes, immune system and sexual function (we're not really thinking of this when we're being chased by a tiger).

Then, in a matter of seconds, the body is on high alert:

• The pupils dilate to let in as much light and information as possible.
• Saliva decreases as the digestive system shuts down (some people experience this when speaking publicly).
• The heart rate and blood pressure increase, diverting a flood of blood to the muscles to prepare to sprint or take on an attack.
• The skin chills as the veins send blood away from the skin layer to the major muscle groups, getting ready for action. This reaction can give you ‘goose bumps’ as the hairs stand on end, increasing sensitivity in the body.
• The major muscle groups contract as the blood glucose and adrenalin levels rapidly increase in preparation for action.
• The lung bronchioles dilate, taking in more oxygen and infusing the body with oxygen for a burst of emergency action.
• The liver works extra hard to convert glycogen for quick, readily available fuel.
• The spleen contracts, pumping out white blood cells and platelets in preparation for a physical injury.
• The stomach constricts, diverting blood elsewhere for energy.
• The whole body and brain are in a state of high alert.

And all of this happens in a matter of seconds. This is full fight-or-flight mode!

As you can imagine, this is resource heavy for the body's systems and is not designed to be switched on all of the time. It is only designed for short-term activation, to help you get through a situation. Constant activation of this stress response will overload the sympathetic nervous system, and your chronic stress may lead to what is called ‘allostatic load’ or ‘allostatic stress’. This is when the body's systems are slowly breaking down from the constant wear and tear of chronic stress on the body and mind. We are not machines. We cannot function at full speed 24 hours a day, seven days a week without any consequences.

I had a corporate client who thought he could. He owned multiple global businesses that were very successful, and he worked across three different time zones: Australia, the UK and Asia. He would jokingly boast of his all-nighters and the fact he only got about 10 hours’ sleep in a week. He would work constantly at his many offices worldwide, at airport lounges, on aeroplanes and wherever he could open his laptop. He rarely exercised, ate poorly and at irregular times, did not take breaks, slept minimally, and was on high alert all the time. He wore his busy-ness as a badge of honour and was proud of his ability to work around the clock without stopping.

Eventually, his body said Enough! and his digestive organs started shutting down. His endocrine system was shot, his body stopped producing testosterone and other fundamental hormones and chemicals, his blood pressure went through the roof and he was in a serious health crisis. He was hospitalised for weeks with drips and tubes in every orifice and he was fully burnt out, physically, mentally and emotionally. This is probably the worst case of burnout I have seen. Fortunately, over time he made a slow recovery and, needless to say, we started working on his basic self-care, which we made non-negotiable. It took nearly two years and he has now made a full recovery, eats regularly, meditates daily, sleeps much better and works hard — and he takes regular renewal breaks every day. He still runs multiple businesses, but in a more sustainable way. He was lucky because he got a second chance at life — but not everybody does.

In short, the more you initiate the stress response and do not have the capacity to switch off or self-regulate, the more prone you are to chronic health problems like heart disease, hypertension, diabetes and neurological disorders. You are also likely to suffer chronic anxiety, depression and other mental health problems. As we have seen, the first step to managing stress is self-awareness: reading the signs and noticing the ‘oil light’ when it comes on. The second step is training yourself in how to self-regulate and to be able to deactivate the stress response and initiate the polar opposite physiological response, which is known as the relaxation response.

The relaxation response

If the stress response is often referred to as the ‘fight-or-flight response’, then the relaxation response — which allows your body to rest, digest and rejuvenate — could be referred to as the ‘rest, heal and digest’ response. I know which one I'd rather be spending more time in! When we are in the stress response, the sympathetic nervous system dominates, and when we are in the relaxation response, parasympathetic activity dominates. Homeostasis (or balance) is found when we can learn to balance these two autonomic branches — in other words, ‘switch on’ when we need to and ‘switch off’ when we can (see figure 3.1).

One of the best ways to initiate the relaxation response is to practise breathwork or mindful meditation. The relaxation response looks something like this:

• The eyes totally relax and may even close when there is no possible threat present.
• The saliva increases as the digestive system wakes up and begins gentle metabolism in the body.
• The digestive organs and liver, spleen and pancreas begin their normal recuperative and restorative function.
• The heart rate and blood pressure decrease as there is no need for any vigorous activity associated with fight-or-flight.
• The chest and lung area relaxes as your breath slows down and you breathe deeper into your lower belly or diaphragm area; this also allows more oxygenated blood to get to the brain and the rest of the body.
• The resting pulse slows down, which in turn further signals to the parasympathetic nervous system that it should kick in so the body can rest and restore.
• The whole body enters a state of calm awareness where the restoration process can begin through your muscles, organs, nervous system and even right down to a cellular level.

By using the relaxation response, your mind has the opportunity to slow down some of the mental chatter and process your thoughts. You may even find yourself in a calm, peaceful state of awareness where thoughts may come and go gently, without judgement. You can start finding more balance in your life by initiating the relaxation response more frequently.

The amygdala hijack

In an ideal world, to find homeostasis in your life, you would fluctuate fluidly between the sympathetic and parasympathetic states. You might have periods of intense work in the sympathetic nervous system where you are thinking, planning or problem solving for a few hours and then you take a short break — maybe a 90-second breath break or a walk around the block — to activate the parasympathetic nervous system so that you rest and recover. Then you might go into another period of focused work, and so on. Most of us don't spend enough time in the rest, heal and digest phase and just keep trying to push through without any breaks, maybe relying on caffeine, sugar or stimulants to keep going.

One of the problems in the modern world is that we don't give ourselves permission to stop. We are always switched on and feel the need to work continuously at an unrelenting pace to get everything done. I encourage you to give yourself permission to take a short break to rest and reset, because if you stop for five or 10 minutes, your next two hours will be far more productive. If you keep trying to push through without any breaks, your cognitive function declines and your mental performance is compromised.

Cognitive functions take place in the front part of the brain, known as the pre-frontal cortex, but unfortunately, if you are not taking adequate breaks you constantly initiate the stress response and the amygdala (at the back of the brain) kicks in to hijack your attention. This amygdala hijack takes over your pre-frontal cortex, which not only reduces your performance, but also keeps you in a stress response — eventually leading to chronic stress (see figure 3.2).

Think for a moment about all of the cognitive faculties and skills you need at work or in life, such as planning, problem solving, decision making, analytical thinking and having mental stamina. These get weaker when you work under constant stress, while your amygdala and stress response get stronger and stronger. It's like training your muscles: the more you train a body part, the stronger it gets. It's up to you to determine which part of the brain you would like to train: the prefrontal cortex (or thinking part of the brain) — by initiating the relaxation response more often — or the primitive amygdala — by working under stress for long periods.

Now don't get me wrong, we actually need a certain amount of stress — such as deadlines, a big project or anything that pushes us to an objective outcome — to drive us, motivate us and help us achieve our goals. The right amount of stress is good for us; it's only when it tips over the balance that it turns to distress and you start feeling fatigued, anxious, unmotivated and exhausted. It's all about finding the balance of the right amount of stress to achieve optimal performance and recognising your limits before it all turns into distress.

The evolution of stress

When I first meet a client, they are usually in one of these four distinct phases of the stress cycle (see figure 3.3):

• Everyday stress (green zone), where they are feeling stressed or overwhelmed about their workload and ongoing pressure but still functioning well
• Chronic stress (yellow zone), where the built-up stress is affecting their sleep; they can't switch off, are overstimulated, confused or anxious and it's all becoming too much
• Allostatic stress (orange zone), where they are starting to feel worn out, unmotivated, exhausted and can't concentrate; normal tasks are more difficult and they have low energy
• Burnout or poor mental health (red zone), where they are no longer able to function cognitively; their mental health is compromised and is negatively impacting many aspects of their life.

Obviously, the earlier on in the stress cycle you take action, the easier it is to regain your physical vitality and mental energy. The closer you are to allostatic stress, or burnout, the more effort you'll need to get back to being balanced and functioning well again. The lesson here is: don't wait until it's too late or more difficult (orange or red zone). Take action in the early stages (green and yellow zones) to prevent the progression of stress to burnout. In the early stages, it may be as simple as increasing your self-care practices and learning a few easy techniques to manage your daily stress, while it requires much more effort in the latter stages.

I met Sandra, a busy HR professional, in the early stages of chronic stress, and it did not take long to establish some healthy habits again. We introduced a simple daily meditation practice and in a matter of weeks she was back to her full, energetic self again. Compare this to Mark, a busy executive who had experienced panic attacks and a full burnout before seeking help. He had to take time off work and it took him months instead of weeks to recover.

Stress vs burnout

Many people ask me, ‘What's the difference between stress and burnout?’ Put simply, stress feels more like ‘too much’ while burnout is ‘not enough’. You can keep pushing on when you are stressed, even though this is not ideal, but you've got nothing left in the tank when you are burnt out. Another common question I get asked is, ‘How do you know when you're burnt out and not just tired?’ Based on clients I have worked with, burnout goes through gradual stages. In the final stages, it appears to feel more like total exhaustion. If you are just tired, adequate rest can help you recover, whereas if you are burnt out, even a good night's sleep doesn't energise you to get out of bed in the morning. It may feel like tasks that are usually easy for you are becoming very difficult, and you may find it harder to stay positive and engaged at work and at home.

A few words on resilience

Resilience is often described as the ability to bounce back from tough situations or life events; to adapt, dust yourself off and keep moving forward with composure. It is also about having the awareness to stay measured and calm in stressful or challenging times or during traumatic experiences.

I interviewed many people about resilience while doing research for this book and heard some interesting analogies. The most unique and humorous story about staying calm in the face of adversity came from an Australian soldier who was on duty in Iraq in 2005. He was in Baghdad on morning sentry duty on the second floor of an old concrete building. The area was classified as a ‘green zone’, meaning it was a fairly stable and low-risk environment. He had made his habitual morning plunger coffee and had left the coffee cup in the makeshift kitchen while he went to the provisional rest room. He was sitting on the toilet with his rifle beside him when there was an almighty explosion on the floor below him, sending him hurling across the room. It turned out to be a suicide bomber with a truck full of 7 tonnes of explosives. Once the dust had settled from the explosion, in shock and disbelief, the soldier noticed a toilet roll had landed next to him, so he calmly picked it up to clean himself up, got dressed and cautiously walked through the rubble and falling debris back to the kitchen. Miraculously, his coffee cup was still sitting there, untouched by the explosion. He picked it up, took a sip, dusted himself off and went back to his post.

Developing resilience is important to enable us to manage overwhelming experiences. It helps us to maintain balance during difficult or stressful periods in life. The resilience of soldiers is a great example of how to remain calm and poised under extreme pressure, as this story demonstrates. We all get knocked down from time to time and it's up to us to choose how we dust ourselves off and get back up again. One of my favourite Japanese proverbs of all time is ‘Fall down seven, stand up eight’. It's not about how you get knocked down — it's about how you continue to get back up again.

The power of the breath

As we saw in previous chapters, the breath is one of the most powerful tools for deactivating stress, and a great way to initiate the relaxation response. One of the best techniques for rebalancing the nervous system in periods of high stress is through intentional, deeper and slower breathing practices with a focus around the lower belly area. This is often known as deep diaphragm breathing. I learned this technique about 30 years ago while immersing myself in internal martial arts, and I can honestly say that it is my favourite ‘go to’ exercise any time I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed. I believe in this technique so much I have continued to practise a form of diaphragm breathing every single day and I continue to see the many health benefits.

With normal ribcage breathing, which is predominantly shallow in nature, the diaphragm (the parachute-shaped muscle just below the lungs) is only pulled down 1 to 2 centimetres. In contrast, diaphragmatic breathing encourages the diaphragm to be pulled down 4 to 10 centimetres. What does this mean? For every centimetre of diaphragm pulled down during breathing in, the volume of air in the lungs is increased by about 300 cc. There are countless benefits to this kind of breathing, including more oxygenated blood to the body and brain, increased mental alertness, massage of the internal organs, a regulated nervous system and increased immune system function. Aside from these great physiological benefits, it also helps to bring you back to the present moment and to deal with any situation with full presence of mind.

International keynote speaker Emma Seppälä gave a powerful TEDx Talk titled ‘Breathing happiness’¹¹ in which she highlights the power of the breath. She describes the incredible story of Jake, a marine corps officer in Afghanistan, who was in the last vehicle of a military convoy that was blown up by an IED (improvised explosive device). Jake looked down in shock to see both of his legs severely damaged below his knees. In that moment, he remembered a breathing technique he had read about in the book On Combat by Lieutenant Colonel Dave Grossman where he teaches a technique commonly called ‘box breathing’. Box breathing involves breathing in for a count of four, holding for a count of four, exhaling for a count of four and holding for another count of four. Thanks to this breathing technique, Jake was able to remain calm and have presence of mind. With this presence of mind he was able to check that his men were okay, give orders to call for help and tourniquet his own blown-up legs before passing out. He later found out that if he had not had that presence of mind he would have fallen into a coma or bled to death. Exercising the breathing technique saved his life.

Diaphragm breathing and the box breathing technique have very similar physiological effects. Taking control of your breath physiology helps you to take some control of your mind. Diaphragm breathing helps to stimulate the vagus nerve, which in turn activates the relaxation response, curbing feelings of stress or anxiety and regulating the mind. Once you focus all of your attention and awareness on your deep belly breathing, you can start feeling more centred and grounded because you use your breath to anchor yourself into the present moment. I regularly share this technique with many of my overstimulated clients, especially those with symptoms of anxiety and those who have trouble sleeping. Once they learn to shift their awareness from their head down to their body (using diaphragm breathing) they automatically calm down and become less anxious.