28
RESIST TEMPTATION OR SUCCUMB
You open your laptop as the train speeds away from the station and power up your personal hotspot to catch up on emails. You just had to flee another teary daycare drop-off in order to catch the last express train, and your heart is still hurting from seeing Zoe’s scrunched up little face as you ran for the door. You know from her teachers that she recovers within a few minutes of these goodbyes, but it leaves you shaken for longer than that.
As you absorb yourself in your work, though, the mom guilt fades away and the problem-solving part of your brain takes over. You have found a great job at a nonprofit that connects other nonprofits with technical volunteers, and you love the work you are doing. It leverages your vision for using technology to help solve social issues, and you’re connecting with so many amazing people in both the public and private sectors through this work. As you anticipated, the pay is not that much more than daycare tuition. But the level of job satisfaction is high and you believe there are some great opportunities to grow in this role. Taking even a five-year break from your career would have cost you 19 percent of your lifetime earnings, which makes your decision to get a job more lucrative.1
Your days, while full of all of the goodness that a fulfilling job and a loving family provides, do not contain quite as many hours as you need. You do manage to fit the logistical part of mothering—like filling out school photo forms and scheduling doctor check-ups—into your work schedule. You rush home, spend a couple of preciously chaotic hours feeding, playing with, and bathing Zoe, and then put her to bed. Then you hop back online to catch up on work before you pass out yourself.
This works ok in terms of staying on top of your job and being a decent mother, but you’re pretty sure you’re getting a D– in the attentive wife and self-care departments, although you’re not even sure that Silas has noticed your sub-par marital performance as he’s not around much himself. He has had to do a fair amount of work travel as he ramps new corporate clients up on the employee assistance services his company provides. And when he is home, he seems pretty wiped out and just wants to sit and watch TV. With every click of the remote control, you feel more isolated in your own balancing act. Your resentment builds.
You start finding solitude from the chaos of life in small moments at the office. The cup of coffee you pour yourself before sitting down at your desk in the morning. The time flipping through Instagram while waiting for the elevator. And funny conversations with coworkers that have nothing to do with potty-training or yard maintenance.
You have one such coworker who is always good for a chat or a laugh: Jonathan from Accounting. Every time you bump into him you end up lingering a little bit, as he gives you his undivided attention and a charming smile. You recognize that the dynamic between you is a little flirty, but you don’t feel bad about that—he’s married too, and its harmless banter. It has just been so long since a man has acted flirtatiously with you, and you’re having fun.
The thing you do feel a little guilty about is thinking of Jonathan during sex with Silas. You know that’s probably not the sign of a healthy marriage. But at the same time, you haven’t had any libido since Zoe was born, so if thinking about Jonathan is what gets your and Silas’s sex life back on track, maybe there’s no harm in that.
• • •
Life goes on in this precariously balanced state for fourteen more months. You scramble to stay on top of work and parenting. Zoe gets more and more comfortable with daycare and is staying up a little later, so you get some more time with her in the evenings. And you and Silas keep a distant but functional partnership. The most exciting parts of your day are often your strategically timed run-ins with Jonathan at the coffee maker or Slack conversations with him that start out as accounting questions and end up in whimsical banter.
You and Jonathan start emailing each other, sharing office gossip and funny memes. Pretty soon, you find yourself compulsively checking your phone in the evenings and on weekends, hoping for a note from him. You feel guilty each time you do, as you recognize that it is taking your attention away from Zoe. But you can’t resist the dopamine rush you get from those little digital hits.
Then one day, your time of reckoning comes. You are on an overnight work trip with several co-workers, meeting with a company eight hours away that is interested in creating a technical volunteering program for their employees. After a work dinner, everyone heads to the bar. You say that you’re tired and head up to your room; you are genuinely excited to get an uninterrupted night’s sleep in a hotel room!
Jonathan follows you to the elevators. Out of the context of the office, he looks even sexier, and your heart pounds with the realization that you might actually have the opportunity for your fantasies to be realized here, in this corporate, beige Hilton. He touches your arm lightly and asks, “Do you want me to come up with you?”
Your entire life hits you in a flash. You feel terrified and guilty for how far you’ve let things go with Jonathan. All of the emails and flirty chats and Slack messages . . . you suddenly see the slippery slope you’ve been letting yourself slide down. If you keep sliding, you could crash and hurt everyone you care about—including yourself.
Through the fear and the guilt and the shame, you feel an even more powerful sensation: extreme lust. You look into Jonathan’s eyes and feel an animal urge to tear his clothes off and devour him. You could do just that—no one would have to know. You’re not alone in this desire: 13 percent of woman have sex with someone other than their spouse when married (still less than the 20 percent of married men).2
Except that you would know, and you know yourself: you are not someone who is able to compartmentalize your feelings.
Jonathan’s hand slides behind your back, and he gives you an inquisitive smile.
If you decide to let your desire call the shots and bring Jonathan up to your room to live out your fantasies, regardless of the repercussions, go to Chapter 37.
If you decide to tell Jonathan you can’t do this and make some lifestyle changes to alter the dangerous course you’ve been going down, go to Chapter 35.