49

HAPPILY EVER AFTER SHARING CUSTODY

Silas has found an apartment about a mile away from you and has moved out. The process of watching him pack all of his belongings and empty your small apartment, one carload after another, is heartbreaking. Having to tell your parents that your marriage is ending is even worse. You feel ashamed around the other kindergarten parents, imagining that they all know the sordid details of your failed marriage. This feels like a low point in your life.

For several months you don’t initiate a divorce, and Silas doesn’t bring it up. You are in survival mode, and legal proceedings feel like more than you can stomach. Maybe there is also a small part of you that hopes for a miracle in terms of salvaging your marriage, but that glimmer of hope is waning by the day.

Silas comes by to visit with Zoe on weekends, and you get out of the apartment while he’s there. Your life as Zoe’s primary caregiver, and your need to vacate your apartment during peak relaxation times, finally gives you the push you need to make your divorce and custody plan official.

You and Silas don’t have too much in terms of shared assets since you have both been paying off student loans. You are amicable to dividing the small savings that you do have evenly, which simplifies the legal legwork. That means that a shared custody plan for Zoe is the biggest item to figure out.

You and Silas decide to try to come to a custody agreement without the expensive help of a lawyer. Twenty-nine percent of custody decisions are made without the assistance of a court or mediator, and 91 percent of decisions are made without a ruling from a family court.¹ If they can do it, so can you!

Your heart tells you that you don’t want to be away from Zoe more than you already are when you’re at work. But your mind (fueled by research), tells you that the best thing for her is to have both of her parents raising her. Children who spend at least 35 percent of their time with each parent forge better relationships with both parents and do better academically, socially, and psychologically.² In the end, you and Silas agree to switch off every two to three days with where Zoe stays and agree to revisit the arrangement as she gets older.

The first night that Zoe sleeps at Silas’s apartment is excruciating. You pace around the apartment, unsure of what to do with yourself, crying intermittently out of loneliness and anger. But it doesn’t take all that long before you start finding solace in the time you have to yourself. You are able to read books for the first time in ages and even start doing some writing of your own. It’s nice to have the flexibility to go out with friends sometimes or even start going out on dates after a while.

As Zoe grows up, you adjust the custody arrangement to the needs of her schedule and your work schedules. Your relationship with your ex-husband is never a solid friendship, but as time goes on, you are able to manage things warmly and productively, and you both are able to give Zoe the support and love she needs to thrive.

You eventually find your new normal, enjoy the balance of time with Zoe and time alone, and live happily ever after sharing custody.

The End

(Want to see what would have happened if you had tried to repair your marriage instead? Turn back to Chapter 37 and make a different choice. Or if you’ve explored all the paths, turn to the Epilogue.)