What causes anger?

According to those polled, most of the family arguments were about money, favouritism, or disliking a relative’s partner. Anger among family members is often the result of unacknowledged hurt feelings from childhood. The painful experiences of perceived injustice, rivalry between siblings, jealousy and loss when a child, can affect your attitude and behaviour as an adult. If not dealt with at the time, these feelings may lie submerged until something happens in the present which causes a reaction that seems out of all proportion.

Whether the anger you feel is a reaction to a family member, a friend, a work colleague, your boss or a stranger, the cause is broadly the same: someone has hurt your feelings by obstructing or harming your needs, belongings or self-esteem. Anger then is the result of your hurt feelings and your response may become a desire to get your own back on the person who has caused the hurt.

Anger is a universal human experience that we all feel, in varying levels of intensity, at different times in our lives. The mildest form of anger is irritation – often caused by the thoughtlessness of others (leaving the door open, forgetting to tell you about something, being late to meet you, rustling sweet papers in the cinema). But being irritated can turn to anger, if you think that the actions of the other person are deliberate. If your friend is habitually late, then you feel as if your needs and feelings are being disregarded and you will begin to harbour a sense of grievance, which could ruin the friendship if not addressed.

Anger is usually directed at a specific person, such as a partner, work colleague or neighbour. Even when the anger is caused by an external event, such as a cancelled flight or a traffic jam, people like to vent their fury on one specific person. So when we don’t agree with government policy, we use one person to be the ‘bogeyman’. The doctor in the hospital faces the anger of the relatives of the cancer patient; the police constable faces the fury of the robbed victim; and the shop assistant deals with the anger over shoddy goods.

For most of us anger is a short-term feeling triggered by a significant event. But if you find that you are angry most of the time, especially over things that in retrospect were minor annoyances, it could be worth exploring the root cause. Keep a close eye on this and use the people around you as a good way to gauge the level of your reaction. If they don’t seem to notice or care about the situation, then it may be time to ask yourself what is really going on and to examine the effect anger is having on your behaviour.

How do you express your anger?

When you are angry you may experience a racing heart, a feeling of heat, and a surge of adrenaline. It is how you deal with these feelings that matter. You are probably already aware of your own tendency to get angry – whether you get angry more often than most and whether the intensity of your feelings seem to outweigh the situation. Perhaps you consider yourself a person who rarely gets angry or someone who is able to deal with their anger effectively.

Not all anger is expressed in the same way. For some people, anger is explosive: they fly into a rage and shout, scream, swear and perhaps throw things and become violent. Others show repressed and often passive anger. An inability to express your anger in a measured, assertive way may lead to you being sulky, sarcastic, or even physically ill. Remember that one cause of depression is anger that is turned in on yourself, because it is repressed. Finally, there is constructive anger, which means expressing your anger in an assertive and beneficial way.

It is important to recognise the different ways that anger is expressed in order to understand whether you are dealing with your own anger effectively. As you read the following descriptions, identify any of your own behaviour and also any reactions to anger by people that you know.

‘Aggressive anger’

An angry person can lose all sense of self, sense of discretion and caution, so that they become aggressive and want to verbally or physically hurt the other person. When anger becomes uncontrollable and can’t find an appropriate outlet, then it turns to rage, which is destructive, and can be catastrophic.

This manifests itself in bullying: shouting, threatening, pushing, and using power over the other person. It can also be deliberately hurtful: using foul language or offensive jokes, discriminating against others, using threatening behaviour, using physical violence and ignoring the other person’s feelings. Sometimes, aggressive anger expresses itself as showing off: wanting to be the centre of attention, mistrusting other people, and being unable to delegate. People with a tendency towards aggressive anger are often selfish and insecure; they don’t tend to help other people; they often accuse or blame other people for their own mistakes; and they will, for example, ignore queues and traffic etiquette. They can be fuelled with a sense of righteous indignation at some perceived injustice.

Another sign of anger is frantic activity: speaking, walking and driving too fast; spending money irresponsibly; working excessive hours and expecting others to do so as well. When levels of stress are too high, it often turns to anger and can be observed when people take their frustration out on some blameless object: they throw their mobile at the wall; thump the car; or smash a plate. Be aware of times when you find yourself swearing at other drivers while in your car; or when you find yourself in a queue with fury building up inside you because someone is taking a long time packing or chatting to the assistant. Take a deep breath and smile – it doesn’t matter. And muttering to yourself, or anyone who will listen, will just increase your anger so that you won’t be able to let it go when you get home.

Aggressive people can be unpredictable; they tend to punish unjustly; they may explode over something minor; they refuse to forgive or forget, but will remember past hurts. There can be a sense of enjoyment in this kind of rage, even without consciously realising it, and so the feeling is fuelled and perpetuated. Such anger is destructive and can lead to breaking things, hurting animals, substance and alcohol abuse, and the breakdown of relationships.

If you don’t recognise any of these behaviours in yourself, it may be that you are in the habit of stifling your anger. Read the following descriptions of the way people behave who feel angry but who try to suppress it.

‘Passive anger’

Many people are frightened by the feelings of anger and try to suppress and ignore them: the anger will still be there, bubbling away underneath the veneer, but to the outsider it will look like passive indifference. Some people seem to suffer from an almost permanent state of anger, which they hide, and so often seem to be tense, irritable or frustrated. Unfortunately, unexpressed anger has a way of revealing itself – sometimes by constantly criticising other people or by being habitually sarcastic and having a pervasively cynical view of life.

Alternatively, people who repress their anger sometimes have a critical view of themselves: they invite criticism and frequently apologise. They can sometimes be too helpful while refusing help themselves and can often be accident-prone. They may set themselves up for failure by choosing people who can’t be trusted as friends and partners. They can become depressed, because their anger has no outlet except themselves. Repressed anger can result in a constant state of anxiety about trivial things, but a tendency to ignore serious issues. It usually means avoiding crisis and conflict by not arguing back, but still quietly fuming.

The apparent indifference of a person who feels anger but doesn’t know how to (or is afraid to) express it means that they often leave other people to sort out the problem while pretending to be unconcerned. They stay on the sidelines, but may provoke other people to be aggressive by gossiping, talking behind people’s backs, muttering, and even complaining anonymously.

The way a passive–aggressive person may deal with anger towards a partner is to stop speaking to them; pretend they are ill; flirt with other people; avoid sex; withhold money; be ridiculously houseproud; use alcohol or drugs excessively; sleep a lot or overeat. The end result can be similar to someone who gets aggressively angry: a great deal of unhappiness is caused and relationships are ruined.

Physical effects

The physical effects of anger can be just as harmful as the emotional ones. Anger can raise your blood pressure and affect your heart and circulation (leading to blocked arteries). Suppressed anger can affect the digestive system and may lead to heartburn, ulcers, colitis, or irritable bowel syndrome. It may also affect your immune system so that you catch colds and flu more often and your recovery from illness is slow. Joints and muscles can also be affected by inflammations and you may find that your pain threshold is lowered.

The survey results at the beginning of this chapter indicated that 20 million people in this country say they are not speaking to a close member of their family because of unresolved anger. But anger does not stop with the family. It often shows itself in the workplace with similar disastrous results. Look at the following example and decide whether the anger being expressed is passive or aggressive.

Chris owns and manages a hairdressing salon. He began as a trainee hairdresser at 16 and he has worked hard to achieve this position. He has six other stylists who work for him, but he has a rapid turnover of staff. This annoys him as he feels that as soon as he has taught them the ropes they leave and work for someone else. He admits that he is a perfectionist and that he can be a hard taskmaster.

One of his longest-serving members of staff, Terry, has just returned to work after a few days’ absence and asks for a day off the following week to attend a funeral. Chris is angry that Terry’s absence has left him short-staffed. He says that Terry can have the day off for the funeral, but without pay. When Terry forgets to replace some equipment, Chris swears at him in front of the customers. When another member of staff tries to defend Terry and says it was his fault, Chris begins to rant and says, You’re all just as bad. None of you know what hard work is. You’re lazy and unreliable – the lot of you.’

Chris is ambitious and he has worked hard to achieve his dream. At school he was bullied and this now makes it hard for him to trust other people and to be forgiving. Although he can be charming with his clients, he is often bad-tempered and irritable towards his staff and this upsets the atmosphere in the salon. He works long hours and expects his staff to do the same. He finds it difficult to apologise after an outburst, but tries to compensate by treating them all to an expensive meal.

Why do people over-react?

Chris probably suffers from low self-esteem because of the bullying that he suffered at school – and so Terry’s behaviour causes him to experience similar feelings of being let down and hurt. People over-react because they don’t know how to express tense, angry feelings in an appropriate way. They are unable to sort out the trivial from the things that matter, and so everything just piles up until they explode inappropriately. People who are stressed quickly become angry and are often irrational and over-dramatic in their response to things going wrong.

As you read the following situations, think about whether they would make you feel angry. Try to estimate the degree of anger that you might feel and give each one a number from 0 to 5 (0 5 wouldn’t bother you at all; 1 5 irritated; 2 5 annoyed; 3 5 depressed; 4 5 angry; 5 5 furious).

What makes you angry?

Are there any other situations you can think of that have made you angry in the last few months? How often do you estimate that you get angry in a week? In a day? How do you show your anger? Are other people aware of it or do you ‘bottle it up’? Do you ever get depressed rather than angry? Hand over the list to someone who knows you well and ask them to say how they think you would react if faced with these situations.

Can you see a pattern or identify the triggers that make you angry? For some people it is unfairness and for others it may be criticism or loss of self-esteem.

How do you express your anger?

It may have been difficult for you to imagine exactly how angry you would get – unless any of these have happened to you recently. If you are feeling calm and serene right now, perhaps nothing on the list seems too annoying. It may be that some of these situations really would make you feel angry, but you are in the habit of suppressing your anger and so it is difficult to imagine how you would feel.

Look at the ones where you scored 4 or 5 – what do you do with that anger? How would you express it? Does it make you feel better when you have given vent to your anger? Does it hurt other people when you are angry? Can you identify times when your expression of anger has been inappropriate?

So how can you express anger?

It’s not feeling angry that leads to these problems and behaviours; it’s what you do next. In itself, anger isn’t bad – it isn’t a negative force. It is a natural response when we feel cheated, violated, humiliated or hurt in any way.

In the past, anger was necessary for survival. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to want to fight back when you are hurt or annoyed – but it is not appropriate in every situation. It is possible to express your anger in a healthy and assertive way – so that you are not suppressing or denying your feelings, but neither are you lashing out and trying to get your own back. Remember: you have the right to request a change in someone’s behaviour, if it irritates or upsets you. But you can do this with respect for the other person’s feelings.

Assertive, positive people may feel anger, but they know how to express their anger and how to get their needs met. It is probable that the situations on the list that don’t make you angry are the ones where you feel confident that you can deal with them calmly. For example, if you know how to deal with cold-callers effectively and politely, then this will not be a cause of anger for you.

Don’t

Sweat the small stuff: The first thing an assertive person would do is assess the situation and decide whether it was worth the energy. Often, the reason for unwarranted explosions of anger is allowing things to build up. When you feel overwhelmed, learn to prioritise and only deal with what is important. Let the small things go. Look again at the previous list of situations and decide which ones you think are worth the fight.

Do

Ignore incidents that you can’t do anything about: That means most incidents while driving (being ‘cut up’, being stuck in traffic, and so on); otherwise, you’ll arrive home every day in a state of rage. The weather, too, you can’t fight. Parking spaces? Missed trains? Just shrug your shoulders; it’s just not worth it. (Although a lot of stress could be reduced by setting off earlier; in fact, quite a few things on the list could have been avoided with forethought.)

Don’t

Do anything when you are tired or stressed: This is the time when you are most likely to over-react and to respond inappropriately. So counting to ten, walking away, and sleeping on it, is the way forward – if you know yourself and believe you need to calm down first. This doesn’t mean you are not going to act – just don’t send that email, or go marching into your boss’s office straightaway. (This probably applies to the first five situations on the list.)

Do
	Look after yourself: If there are always rows when you get home from work, then insist you have some time to yourself. Make sure that you have some good times and that work and home life aren’t constant battlegrounds. Deal with the problem after a good night’s sleep, when you can talk calmly and rationally to your boss or family. Going for a brisk walk often helps to clear the mind.

Don’t

Jump to conclusions: When you are in a bad mood or feeling angry, it is very easy to allow yourself to think the worst. In the example, Chris is angry with Terry and therefore immediately blames him when he spots something out of place. In fact, people often make bad judgements and risky decisions when they are angry, because the anger causes them to lose their capacity to self-monitor and to observe things objectively. Take deep breaths and exhale slowly. Try counting backwards from 20 – anything to stop you saying something you will regret.

Do

Slow down and listen: When you’re angry, don’t just say the first thing that comes into your head; it is possible to think calmly even when you are feeling agitated. Take your time, ask questions, and check that your tone of voice and body language aren’t aggressive. Ask yourself if you are just getting angry for the sake of being right. Listen carefully to the other person and acknowledge their feelings (this would have saved Chris a lot of anguish). Put yourself in their shoes and imagine what impact you are having on them.

Don’t

Over-generalise or catastrophise: One reason that people work themselves up into a fury is because they take an isolated incident and convince themselves that ‘everybody’ is like that. Or something goes wrong and that’s it – the world’s against you. Chris sees one mistake as a sign that all his staff are ‘lazy and unreliable’. Anger makes people think in a negative way, so they are less trusting and more suspicious. Beware of using words like ‘never’ and ‘always’, as they will make you feel as if there is no hope and that you are justified in being angry.

Do
	Admit you are wrong: You can dig yourself into a hole when you are angry. You can get carried away with the sense of power that is really bullying behaviour. And even when you can see you are wrong or that your anger is disproportionate, it is difficult to back down. Limit the damage by apologising and admitting you were wrong – even if you can’t do it immediately. Later is better than never.

Don’t

Make ‘should’ statements: You may get angry because people don’t behave in the way that you want them to. You have your own standards and expect other people to live up to them: the trains ‘should’ run on time; you ‘should’ have got that promotion; Terry ‘should’ be prepared to work as late as Chris. Angry people have less sympathy and tend to blame a person’s nature and not allow any excuse for the circumstances (notice that Chris was not concerned about the funeral or its effect on Terry).

Do
	Remember the positives: Although it is difficult, it is possible to remember the good things that have happened during the day – even when you are upset. Chris could look around his thriving, busy salon and be proud, instead of always looking for faults. He could remember Terry’s loyalty and all the times he has stayed late instead of focusing on his absence.

Don’t
	Immediately fight back when you are criticised: Being criticised or insulted hurts our self-esteem and the natural reaction is to fight back with a denial or a counter-criticism. With practice, you can learn to think calmly about whether there is any validity in the criticism. Ask for examples or ask the critic to be specific. Be careful that your body language is not hostile.

Do

Recognise your vulnerability to criticism and refuse to get into a verbal duel: Ignore insults – they are not worth your energy (all generalisations like ‘lazy’, ‘mean’ and ‘hopeless’ are untrue). If the criticism is valid and constructive, take it on board and thank the person giving it. Saying, ‘You’re right. I’ll bear that in mind in future’ or even ‘Thanks for pointing that out’ can be disarming – and certainly saves a lot of energy and misery. If, after considering the criticism (and perhaps asking further questions), you decide that it is not true, simply say, ‘Actually, that’s not true.’ You don’t have to give further explanation, and certainly not until you are calm and can talk about it rationally.

If all else fails and you are still feeling angry, just write it all out or send yourself an email, detailing everything that has happened and how you feel about it. Just keep on until you run out of steam. Do not send it – or show it – to anyone else. You could save it – or you could just tear it up into tiny pieces, or delete it. It’s over.

What about justifiable anger?

If, however, you have waited a few days, and you are rested and calm, and you know it has nothing to do with feeling self-righteous or revenge, and you still feel angry – then it may be justified anger and time to take action. For example, if you think there has been an injustice, or corruption, or a cover-up at work, then you are right to feel angry and to do something about it. Your actions must be planned and you will probably need the help of trusted colleagues to expose the wrongdoing.

Once you have gone through the list of situations that may make you angry and taken out the ones that you can’t do anything about, then you are left with the important things that you do need to deal with. Being a victim of crime is a violation of your sense of self and it is right to feel angry. Just make sure that your anger isn’t directed at the wrong person. Often, we are angry with ourselves for not taking enough care, but we live in a society where reasonable care should be enough and your anger is justified.

When appliances break down, it is annoying – but if you haven’t looked after them or have had them some time, then it is inevitable that they will go wrong sometime. Things don’t last forever and when a few things break down at the same time it’s just bad luck – not fate having fun with you.

The repairers not turning up or not doing the job properly is a different matter. This means that you must decide what you want and then you must ask for it assertively. It is no good getting angry and delivering empty threats. You are much more likely to get satisfaction if you plan what (www.checkatrade.com), your recourse is to post your opinion on the website.

Being assertive with cold-callers and other strangers who accost you is easy: you just smile and say, ‘No, thank you’ and put the phone down, or walk on by, or close the door. You don’t have to be aggressive and you don’t have to give an explanation. Always do this, don’t waste their time by listening: if you wanted a service, you would find it yourself – you don’t need someone to ring you up and persuade you that you need something.

It’s the situations with family, friends and work (1 to 5 on the list on pp. 134–5) that do need dealing with. Let’s imagine that you’ve had a good night’s sleep and you are clear about the issues and what has made you angry. Understand first of all that this isn’t about winning; it is about expressing your opinion and channelling your anger in an appropriate way. Be realistic and decide what you would like the outcome to be.

Let’s take the example of coming home last and no one has made a start on the meal (5):

• Choose a time and a place when everyone is calm and receptive (not when you have just got home from work).
• Say that there is something that has been upsetting you and that you want to be heard.
• Check that your body language is relaxed, but that you are not trying to ingratiate yourself by smiling too much.
• State clearly – but not aggressively – what has made you angry.
• Begin with, ‘I feel angry because . . .’ instead of ‘You make me feel . . .’; it means you aren’t attacking them, so they are more receptive to your complaint, instead of defending their actions.
• Listen to their response. Don’t get into an argument and don’t raise your voice.
• Say what you would like to happen in future: ‘In future, I would like you to . . .’
• Have an ‘or else’ in mind – but you don’t have to say it. This is not a threat, but a promise to yourself that you will not let people walk all over you.
• Finally, thank them for listening – and remember to praise them when they do what you have asked.

You can use this process whenever you feel angry because your needs are being ignored. Use it when you are hurt by your friend’s behaviour (numbers 1, 2, 19, and 27) and at work if you feel you have been treated unfairly (3).

(For more tips and guidance on how to be assertive try reading How to be Assertive in Any Situation, Sue Hadfield and Gill Hasson, Pearson, 2010).

If you find, after reading this chapter, that you are still constantly getting angry, then it may be time to learn some relaxation methods and practise the deep breathing described in the previous chapter. Yoga and meditation are recognised ways of calming down and, if you practise the techniques every day, you will be able to relax whenever you find yourself getting agitated. Some people find it useful to visualise a relaxing experience if they are somewhere that is too public to use these techniques. If nothing works and your anger is becoming more frequent, then it may be time to seek professional help. Consult your doctor, who may recommend an anger management course, or contact the British Association of Anger Management (www. angermanage.co.uk)

Remember, the idea is not to eliminate the feeling of anger; it is to learn how to change the way that you respond to it. Once you can get into the habit of expressing your anger in a constructive and assertive way, you will feel much more positive about life. You will also feel more in control of things that happen, physically healthy and your relationships will improve.

Being able to deal with anger assertively means that you will learn that on occasions it is best not to respond at all: when someone is being difficult, it is often just their mood and nothing to do with you – they want you to respond and by getting angry or upset you are giving them what they want. You are not suppressing your anger – just not wasting your time thinking about it.

• You can’t eliminate anger from your life. Keep a journal – it will clarify the problem
• Remember that it’s okay to have different opinions to other people
• You can change the way that you express your anger
• Make decisions about whether the person or the situation is worth your anger – try not to take things personally
• Make sure that you are not just trying to get your own back and bearing a grudge
• Remember, anger is usually caused by hurt feelings. By reliving the situation you are perpetuating the hurt
• If your anger is justified, then do something about it – but have a plan of action
• If there is nothing you can do – accept it – and do something else. Go for a walk if possible