The language we use in everyday life reflects what we believe is possible and what we will do about it. The classic example of this is when someone says, ‘Oh well, I’m just a glass half empty sort of person.’ This statement tells us that the speaker feels resigned to their fate, life happens to them and it’s just the way they are.
If someone said that they were unhappy you would probably feel concerned and ask them why and then listen to them explain the cause and perhaps help them to find a solution. If someone, however, says they are a ‘glass half empty kind of person’, your reaction will be just to shrug and accept it: that’s their view of themselves and they are entitled to be that way.
There is nothing that will convince someone who has described themselves in this way that it is possible to change – unless they want to be convinced.
In the first chapter, we examined some of the reasons that people may become adults with a negative view of the world. Whatever the reason, the general feeling is that once you believe your glass is half empty, then that is the way it will stay. If you describe yourself like this, you are limiting your life options – not only by your view of yourself, but also by telling other people this is your view of yourself.
The way that you think and the way you behave is reflected in the language that you use every day. The reverse is also true: the language you use affects your thinking and the way you behave. So, if you use negative words and phrases, they make you feel pessimistic and dispirited; feeling like this affects the choices you make in life.
How many of these phrases do you use?
- It’s just not fair . . .
- I’m hopeless . . .
- I’ll never change . . .
- I can’t . . .
- I should . . .
- It’s not my fault . . .
- If only . . .
- I wish I’d . . .
- There’s nothing I can do . . .
- I ought to . . .
If you use any of these phrases on a regular basis, you are perpetuating a feeling of hopelessness and lack of control over your life. Phrases such as ‘It’s just not fair’ and ‘It’s not my fault’ show that you have a tendency to shift the blame away from yourself. Realising that life isn’t fair – but that it’s not fair for everyone – is all part of being realistic. If you read these phrases again and complete the sentence with something you have said recently, you will see that they make you sound like a victim.
I teach a university course for people who are thinking of becoming teachers. A stumbling block for many of them is the requirement of GCSE maths at grade C or above. When they realise this many of the students say, ‘That’s it then. I’m hopeless at maths. I might as well give up my dream now.’
When challenged, they usually agree that they didn’t like maths at school and gave up trying. I point out that they are now adults who manage a bank account, pay bills, book holidays, organise the family finances, the supermarket shop, work out how many rolls of wallpaper to buy, understand railway timetables, and that they arrive on time to class each week. The new mantra becomes: ‘I wasn’t very good at maths at school, but I have learned lots since. I’m sure I would be able to cope with a maths GCSE.’
Without fail, all the adults I have taught, who have gone on to take maths GCSE, have not only achieved a grade C or above, but have actually enjoyed it. Achieving something that they believed was impossible has increased their self-confidence in other areas of life and at least two have become primary teachers with maths as their main subject.
If only . . .
If you find yourself using the phrases ‘If only . . .’ or ‘I wish I’d . . .’ it implies that you have regrets about the past that are now affecting your present. So you might say, ‘If only I’d bought a flat when they were cheaper’ or ‘I wish I’d had a baby years ago.’ These are statements that show that you have not dealt satisfactorily with decisions (or not making decisions) years ago. You could examine your statements and see if there is anything you can do about it now. If there is, then do something. If there isn’t, then the only option is to learn acceptance; otherwise, you are spoiling your chance of present and future happiness.
Learned helplessness
By clinging onto certain phrases and sayings, you are not giving yourself a chance to break free from the cycle of damaging behaviour. It is what psychologists call ‘learned helplessness’, meaning that, even when things are going well, to a pessimist they will seem fated to go wrong, and therefore there is always a fear of the future.
Phrases like ‘I should . . .’ or ‘I ought to . . .’ imply that you have already embarked on the wrong course of action (or inaction). Just saying these words will make you feel resentful and will take away your motivation to do anything. Start noticing now whenever you use any of the above phrases and stop yourself – even if it is mid-sentence. Consciously, replace your negative phrases with more positive ones and you will find your whole mood and outlook will change.
If you hear yourself saying something negative then pause and say, ‘Actually, I am going to . . .’ and repeat your newly-learned positive phrase. If you realise later how negative you’ve been and the moment has gone, don’t beat yourself up: no one changes overnight and it means that you are now aware of your habit. In all things new and challenging, it is normal to have setbacks and frustrations – just don’t allow them to depress you or to make you feel like giving up.
By now, you will have identified some negative words and phrases that you use and have some positive alternatives to try. You may, however, also be unconsciously repeating your negative beliefs in the form of sayings and proverbs that you repeat without really thinking about what you are saying.
Study the sayings and proverbs below and decide whether they are ones that you have ever used. Put a tick in the first column if anyone ever made this comment to you or about you when you were younger. Add a tick in the second column if you have ever repeated a similar saying. Now add a tick in the third column if you believe the comment to be true.
These phrases, repeated often enough, become lodged in your head and turn from sayings into beliefs. And that’s when they have the ability to dampen your spirits and limit your actions and ambitions.
Ticks only in the ‘a’ column
If you only have ticks in the ‘a’ column, it means that you have heard these sayings, but they have had no effect on you. Perhaps you were raised in a family that did not use such aphorisms. Or perhaps they used only positive ones. You’ve had a lucky escape!
Ticks in ‘a’ and ‘b’ columns
Study the sayings that you have ticked in column ‘b’. If you haven’t also ticked that you believe them, it means that you are repeating sayings that you don’t actually believe to be true. Look at what they actually mean and, if you don’t agree with them, stop using them now.
Ticks in all three columns
If, for example, you have ticked all three columns for number 17 and believe that you should always ‘expect the worst then you won’t be disappointed’, you will be spending a significant proportion of your daily life in a state of dread or anxiety. If you expect the best and it doesn’t happen, then you will be disappointed. But you would have been disappointed anyway; just expecting something bad to happen doesn’t alter the fact that it happens . . . and is bad. The worst happens and you deal with it. But at least you haven’t spent days or weeks feeling miserable and in a state of trepidation. It’s always annoying if you are feeling miserable and someone says: ‘Cheer up, it may never happen.’ But it is good advice.
Superstitions
Many of the sayings are similar and are simply superstitions. For example, if you have three ticks for number 12 and believe that ‘troubles always come in threes’, then after two things have happened anything that breaks or disappoints, however small, will confirm your belief – because you have been waiting and actively looking for something to happen. Things break and go wrong in our lives haphazardly (or sometimes because we are tired and stressed) but people rarely say, ‘I’ve had two good things happen; I’m just waiting for a third.’ If they did, as soon as something pleasant happened, it would immediately be seen to justify the saying. Why not give it a try?
Some of the sayings are inflicting your cynicism and pessimism on other people. When you say to someone who is full of excitement or enthusiasm, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched,’ you are immediately taking away their joy and zest for life. Similarly, if someone has just told you of their success at work or in sport and you say, ‘Don’t forget, pride comes before a fall,’ you are allowing your own negativity to take away someone’s pleasure in their achievements.
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, ‘The devil looks after his own’ (or a similar saying), what you are actually saying is that you believe that some people are immoral or crooks and that they get away with it. Even if there are some examples of this happening, by saying it you are generalising and forming a jaundiced view of humanity. Similarly, ‘An apple never falls far from the tree’ asserts that if someone’s family has a bad reputation, then none of the members of that family are to be trusted. Such comments are the foundation of prejudice and lead to a judgement based on probably nothing more than one or two experiences.
Rob and Aisha were celebrating Rob’s recent promotion at work. They were having dinner in a restaurant with some friends, Wendy and Nick, whom they had not seen for some time. Rob was aware that Nick was annoyed by his success. Nick’s immediate response was to say, ‘Wonders will never cease. I thought you’d be stuck in that job forever.’ He went on to give his advice, ‘What you should do now is capitalise on this. Make sure that everyone knows who you are and that you go to every social occasion. Don’t bury yourself away working; be more aggressive. I’ve always thought you should get out more.’
Aisha tried to change the subject as she could sense a tension in the atmosphere. She told the other couple that she and Rob were both training for the London Marathon and that Rob was following a strict regime with a chart stuck to their fridge where he awarded himself a tick for every day that he completed his training. Nick’s response was, ‘Little things please little minds.’ When Aisha told him that Rob had already completed one half-marathon in less than 90 minutes, Nick simply said, ‘Beginner’s luck.’
Later, when they were back home, Wendy asked Nick why he made such mean remarks. He was surprised and couldn’t even remember saying them, ‘But they’re just sayings. They don’t mean anything.’ Meanwhile, back in their flat Aisha told Rob that she didn’t know why they bothered staying friends with Nick as his hostility made her feel defensive and had ruined the evening.
If you think that Nick is just a lone cliché-ridden loser, start listening for comments like these in the conversations around you. Some people seem to rely on such phrases and they become automatic responses to a feeling of envy. By making destructive statements about other people, Nick is not only spoiling Rob’s moment of glory, but also ruining their friendship. His comments serve only to make him look small and it is he who will be filled with self-loathing and probably a sense of failure.
On her visit to England in May 2011, Michelle Obama, when asked by schoolgirls at Elizabeth Garrett Anderson School about her relationship with Barack Obama, said: ‘The lesson is: reach for partners that make you feel better. Do not bring people into your life who weigh you down.’
So be aware of people who make you feel bad about yourself: those who seem to deliberately upset you and demean you. Avoid those who spread negativity – they are not the kind of friends that you deserve.
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I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou |
Negative talk makes you feel unhappy and it’s contagious. It is very difficult to raise the mood once someone has begun on a downward spiral of bitter and cynical remarks. It is particularly selfish to make such comments when other people have things to celebrate, as it means that you are imposing your mood on them.
The negative comments that other people make (or that you make to other people) are easier to spot than the ones you make about yourself. Ask the people you trust to help you to spot them and to help you get out of the habit by pointing out every time you make such remarks.
The constant repetition of sayings means that they become entrenched, without you ever really considering whether they are true and whether you actually believe them. Negative words can also have a serious, harmful effect on people and that includes the words that you use when talking to yourself. Sticks and stones do break your bones but remember that words can most certainly hurt you. Many people can’t look in the mirror without telling themselves that they are fat or ugly or old (or all three). The irony is that these self-loathing words often drive people to comfort eat (and thereby gain weight) or to look miserable (and therefore less attractive) or even to become ill – as negative thoughts can cause the release of stress hormones such as cortisol (which can lead to high blood pressure).
When teaching assertiveness to adults, I ask them to work in small groups of three or four and then each person, in turn, tells the rest of their group three things that they like about themselves physically. This causes great consternation and the typical response is, ‘Oh no – can’t I say things I don’t like about myself instead?’
When everyone has taken their turn and finally struggled to choose things they like about themselves, I ask the rest of the group to tell them what they like about that person. The only direction is to be honest and specific. The responses are immediate and sincere: ‘I like your shiny hair’, ‘You have a fantastic figure’, ‘You’ve got nice hands, with long, delicate fingers.’ The person receiving the compliments is often amazed, even though they know these things to be true. They have spent so long focusing on their perceived shortcomings that they have failed to realise that these aren’t what other people see.
The last part of the exercise is for each person to repeat the compliments they have been given in an assertive and convincing manner: ‘I’m proud of my shiny hair’, ‘I enjoy the fact that I’m slim’, and so on. The effect is dramatic and many of my students have told me that practising this exercise actually changed the way they felt about themselves and affected their whole outlook.
Everyone is aware of their physical ‘faults’ and parts of their body and face that they don’t like. The problem is that we tend to focus on these and the bits we don’t like are what we see when we look at ourselves in the mirror. Try identifying the parts of you that you actually do like and say so out loud. Whenever you find yourself berating yourself for your ‘thunder thighs’ or ‘hair like straw’, replace these with your positive comments or supportive statements like, ‘I have a clear complexion’ or ‘My body is strong and healthy’.
Being self-deprecating
There is a certain cultural bias in being able to present yourself in a positive way. In many cultures, it is simply not acceptable to be able to state your talents or good points because it is seen as showing off. In the Far East, it will be perceived as over-confidence and implying that you are untrustworthy. In Britain, we don’t like people who boast or those who parade their virtues and assets. But there is a difference between knowing and acknowledging your strengths and being arrogant and conceited.
Pride
It is fine to be modest and self-deprecating, as long as you realise what you are doing. We are in the habit of saying, ‘Oh, it was nothing’, about things we have spent a lot of time on, or, ‘Well, I tried my best’, when given praise. If your sense of self-esteem is high and you are generally a positive person, then you can afford to be diffident and self-effacing. But for many people negative self-talk has become the reality and phrases like, ‘Oh no, it’s not; it’s rubbish’ or ‘I know I won’t be able to do that’ or ‘I’m stupid’ are their stock phrases and define who they are both in their eyes and in the minds of other people.
Notice if you are in the habit of deflecting compliments with phrases like, ‘This old thing?’ or, ‘Do you really think so?’ It is generous to give compliments and denying or contradicting what the other person has said to you can be hurtful to them and will certainly make them think twice about complimenting you again. If you recognise this behaviour in yourself, then it is possible to change. Decide from now on that every time you receive a compliment you will respond with a smile and a simple, ‘Thank you’. Most of all, decide you will savour and enjoy the compliment.
Self-fulfilling prophecy
The term ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ was coined by a sociologist, Robert Merton, in his book Social Theory and Social Structure (1949). He defined it as being a false prophecy or prediction that is made true by the person’s actions. In other words, just by hearing something stated, whether true or not, affects someone’s conscious or unconscious actions so that the statement becomes true.
There have been many experiments since to test the theory. Two Americans, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jackson, conducted the most famous one in 1968. They gave some primary school children a test and told the teachers that the results of the test showed that some of the children were unusually clever (in fact, they had average scores). They gave these names to their teachers and when they returned to the school a year later they tested all the children again and found that the ones they had singled out to their teachers had improved their scores far more than the other children.
Sometimes you find yourself stuck with a label or description from childhood. So, for example, you might have been ‘the lazy one’ or ‘the sporty one’, or perhaps ‘the cheeky one’. And these words can become self-fulfilling: you have heard them so often you believe them and the consequence is that they limit your view of yourself. For example, if you were ‘the sporty one’ in the family, the implication is that you weren’t as clever as your siblings and this could have had an effect on the effort that you put into your schoolwork.
If your family still uses outdated descriptions of your behaviour (or appearance) – and you feel they are no longer true – then the next time anyone says it, gently but assertively point out that you have grown up since then and the description no longer applies to you. You could say, ‘Yes, I always used to be late but I’m working on it and I’m usually punctual these days.’
In the same way, don’t label yourself. You are not the person you used to be if you choose not to be. If you begin a phone call with the words, ‘It’s only me . . .’ you are saying that you are not very important in the other person’s life.
Be careful, too, that you are not guilty of labelling other people – particularly if you have children. Self-fulfilling prophecies are very powerful and mean that you may need to examine the language that you use about others as well as about yourself.
Positive proverbs
If you have decided that you are no longer going to repeat those negative proverbs and sayings you may want to replace them with more positive ones. It is interesting to note that, despite the different kinds of social communication that we have today, ancient proverbs and sayings are still widely used in all countries of the world. Quotations from famous people whom we admire have also become the shorthand form to confirm what we believe. Think about what the following proverbs actually mean, choose your favourites – and use them. In time you will automatically use these positive maxims and they will have an uplifting effect on your thoughts.
- Failure is the mother of success. Japanese proverb
- When the sun rises, it rises for everyone. Cuban proverb
- Diligence is the mother of good luck.
- The glory is not in never falling but in rising every time you fall. Chinese proverb
- Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves. Italian proverb
- When one door closes, another one opens.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
- Never worry worry – until worry worries you.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.
- A problem shared is a problem halved.
- An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
- Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
- Every cloud has a silver lining.
- Count your blessings.
- Forgive and forget.
- Failing to plan is planning to fail.
- Genius is one per cent inspiration, 99 per cent perspiration.
- If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.
- Honesty is the best policy.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
- No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Practice makes perfect.
- Practise what you preach.
- Procrastination is the thief of time.
- Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
- Fortune favours the brave.
- Success depends on your backbone, not your wishbone.
- We are born. We eat sweet potatoes. Then we die. Easter Island proverb
- Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother. Moroccan proverb
- Dig the well before you are thirsty. Chinese proverb
Use the same technique with these proverbs as you did with the negative and positive phrases: choose the ones that are meaningful to you or the ones that contradict any that you ticked earlier in this chapter. Keep a list of them, preferably in a place that you look at everyday; repeat them when you see them. Start using them when appropriate – even if it is only in your thoughts.
- Examine the negative language that you use and question any damaging sayings that you repeat out of habit
- Learn to focus on your assets rather than things that you don’t like about yourself
- Make sure that you are not stuck with a label that you were given as a child
- Beware the self-fulfilling prophecy
- Replace your negative language with positive words and phrases