13

Listening

13.1 Introduction

Listening skills are some of the most underemphasized in the list of soft skills. Whereas there are courses which teach us how to be good public speakers, we almost never hear of any courses on how to be good listeners. No wonder that a lot of us retain the bad listening habits that we have had since childhood and come across as rude, interruptive and paying no attention to what is being said. This chapter intends to change all that and instil in you a set of good listening habits and thus sharpen your listening skills. And considering it is relatively easy to pick up these habits, you can turn into a good listener in no time at all.

Listening is not just a simple physiological response to sound. It requires a synthesis of not only words that we hear, but also other signals like vocal variety, body language, visual aids and so on. For example, a speaker may be saying that he is very enthusiastic about a proposed project, but his demeanour may suggest that he is not too excited about it. You have to ‘listen’ not only to his words, but also to his body language.

And listening is important, whether you are communicating one-on-one with just one person or you are part of a large audience sitting in a meeting or a lecture. Through listening, you not only pick up the information that the speaker is conveying but also stimulate your own thoughts on the subject matter, form opinions on the speaker and so on. Even if there are no speakers per se, you can ‘listen’ to the environment around you and pick up cues about it. The feedback that you produce as that you listen sustains the communication and, in many instances, moves it forward. Not just that—good listeners are thought of as considerate, sharp and with a lot of people skills and are very popular in any organization.

The importance of listening has been best highlighted by Stephen Covey: ‘Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.’ Listening is the process by which you seek to understand someone else’s communication and point of view and, thereby, relate to the environment better.

13.2 Active Listening–The ‘Real’ Listening

Effective listening occurs roughly through the following steps:

• Keeping your sensors alert and picking out the signal or message you want to listen to
• Understanding what is being communicated
• Making sure the signal you received is distortion-free
• Giving feedback to your speaker that you have understood him

If you go through all these steps in your listening process, you have achieved what is called ‘active listening’, during which you give your undivided attention to the person who is communicating with you and fully understand all aspects of what is being communicated.

We will discuss these steps and associated techniques in detail so that you can use them to master active listening. As with any other soft skill, the more you practice these techniques, the more they will become habits and get into your blood stream, and you will, in the course of time, achieve mastery.

Tune out unnecessary signals: Just like an antenna trying to receive a particular frequency, it is essential to first cut off all other frequencies and distractions. Put off all the mobile phones, laptops and any communication devices. Refrain from any unnecessary conversations. Minimize getting distracted by diversions. Put away any speculative thoughts—for example, ‘What will I do with my first paycheck?’ Forget all other pressures you may have (‘Oh, I have not yet studied for tomorrow’s midterm test’). Put aside any bias or personal judgmental feelings (‘Oh, this guy does not look very friendly’) so you can listen objectively.

Tune in to the speakers: The best way to start tuning into the speaker is to use appropriate body language that is conducive to listening. Do not lean back in your chair excessively. Neither should you bend forward so much that it looks like you are ready to put your head down on the table. And do not sit so straight that it appears you are stiff. The best way to sit to promote listening is to sit bending just a little forward. If there is a table in front of you, you can rest your elbow on it every now and then. As always, do not get physically uncomfortable with the way you sit, else your focus will shift to your physical pain.

Fig. 13.1 Good posture for active listening

Fig. 13.2 Feedback by twitching of eyebrows

Maintain eye contact with the speaker: Just as a speaker should provide selective eye contact to his listeners, the listeners should provide periodic and selective eye contact to the speaker. The same benefits of eye contact that apply to a speaker also apply to a listener.

Give expressive body language feedback to the speaker to convey your understanding: You can nod your head when you agree or understand and shake your head when you do not agree or do not understand; twitch or raise your eyebrows if you have a question. Smiles, grimaces and confused looks also belong to this category of feedback signals.

Fig. 13.3 Feedback by nodding/shaking of head

Provide voice feedback: Occasional ‘ah ah’s’ and such vocal feedback (that does not necessarily involve words) could supplement the body language feedback discussed above (especially if the conventions of body language are not fully consistent or understood). We can also include generic verbal feedback such as ‘That’s interesting!’ and ‘Oh, really!’ type of interjections.

Paraphrase: This is probably the most important part of active listening. Occasionally—especially for important points—paraphrasing or restating the message in your own words would provide reinforcement for your understanding and give clear feedback to the speaker as to the extent of your understanding. Some of the phrases you can use are, ‘If I understand you right…’, ‘Let me restate what you said in my words…Let me know if I have misunderstood anything’, ‘Sounds like…’ and so on. While paraphrasing, it is important to ensure that you do not repeat what the speaker said verbatim like a parrot. It is also important not to paraphrase each and every point made by the speaker because this can affect continuity (see Box 13.1 below).

Finally, give feedback and ask questions: This is absolutely essential to make sure that the message is fully understood by the receiver. And, this is one area where there exists a cultural divide in a global team. For example, some people do not ask questions for the fear of appearing naive. In some of our classes and in our training programmes, we find this to be a major hurdle. If, as a speaker, you do not find the audience asking questions, you should assume that they have not followed your message. You should then paraphrase your message in different words and/or ask leading questions to your audience. This is very important in the case of interviews and group discussions. In addition to keeping it going for you, it also gives that crucial extra 10 seconds to put your thoughts together.

13.3 Two Listening-Related Topics

Listening entails two important features, as discussed below:

Interruptions: In any communication, it is necessary to switch back and forth, from being a ‘listener’ to a ‘talker’ and vice versa. Sometimes, a listener will have to asynchronously interrupt the proceedings for any number of reasons, such as to make a point or to distribute a message and so on. Such an interruption should occur in an orderly and civilized manner such that there is no disruption to the communication process per se. There are definite etiquettes and codes of conduct on how and when to interrupt and a good listener is also well schooled in this. The basic norm is that only one person talks at any given time, and after the interruption is satisfactorily taken care of, the original flow of the communication is restored. The last thing you want is a chaotic exchange where might becomes right, defeating the very purpose of communication.

This has given rise to a few standard ‘interruption techniques’. The most common practice is, as a listener, you wait for a logical break in the talker’s speech to make your entry. If the talker keeps going without giving you an opportunity, it is acceptable to give gentle interruptive messages, such as raising your hand and making interruptive sounds like ‘ahem’ and even coming out and saying ‘Excuse me!’ followed by your point. If the talker is completely oblivious to your attempts to interrupt or simply wants to hog the show or if you have a need to make a timely remark, by all means try to be vociferous and attention-grabbing. If the speaker does not yield at all, then the communication process becomes a one-way street and the speaker’s effectiveness is tremendously reduced. Recall that we looked at the special relevance of appropriate interruptions in Chapter 4, Group Discussions.

Listening skills in phone communication: There was a time when telephones were not too common and phone charges were so high that only important business was discussed over phone. This gave rise to a set of ‘phone business etiquettes’ (see Chapter 21, Phone Communication). But with the current telecom revolution and the proliferation of cell phones, all bets are off and no particular telephone etiquette or social code seems to be in place. Even so, the business world still goes by some unwritten rules. Although we will look at these in a later chapter, let us look at what constitutes good listening skills in a business phone call.

Phone calls should be treated as back-and-forth communication. Either you talk or you listen and look for logical gaps to change roles. Since the person at the other end cannot see you and observe your body language, you have to give feedback signals to show that you are actively listening. For example, you can use an uh-huh or a similar expression short laugh to show that you have registered what the other person said and short comments to show your empathy, etc. While on a business call, it is not unusual to take down notes as you listen, to supplement your listening.

During conference calls, a few more rules apply. One of these rules is that you be in a reasonably quiet environment so that any background noise at your end does not disturb other listeners. You should give your undivided attention to the call and not be multitasking on activities such as driving or talking to friends and colleagues in front of you. Try to identify the voice signature of various participants, even if there are some people on the call that you have never met. The gaps and pauses after a point is made will be longer and more pronounced in conference calls. This is just to make sure the person is able to make his point and also to give opportunities to everyone else to ask questions and add their comments.

13.4 In Summary

We have been given two ears and one mouth. The ears are exclusively devoted to hearing whereas the mouth is supposed to do both speaking and eating. In addition, ears are always open but the mouth is generally closed. Perhaps, the intention was that we should do four times as much listening as talking. More often than not, it is the reverse and ‘communication’ is often equated with continuous talking. Let us look at what we have learnt in this chapter about listening—the forgotten half of communication.

• Listening is a holistic and a whole-body process—you ‘listen’ to words, actions, slides and the whole works!
• Listening requires you to be good in reading body language.
• Listening is an input-output process, not just an input-only (of hearing and grasping) process. The feedback you give to the speaker is the output of the listening process.
• Listening is seeking to understand what the speaker communicated and assuring the speaker to understand that the listener has understood! Listening should complete the feedback loop between the sender and the receiver. It is like a switch in an electrical circuit. Only when it is on and closed, will current flow through the circuit.
• If we do not tune out distracting signals and tune in the speaker, we will be simply hearing, not listening.
• Remember the etiquette involved in interrupting a speaker.
• Listening skills are used in phone communication to compensate for the missing body-language channel.