So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

Becoming a better listener will help you better connect with others; you'll improve your understanding of other people's perspectives: what they think, how they feel, and what they mean. But it's not just what a person says that tells you what they're thinking and feeling. What a person doesn't say – their non‐verbal communication – can often give you a clearer insight into what's going on; it can emphasize and support what someone is saying. It can also contradict what they're saying.

You may have come across the claim that communication is made up of 7% what is said, 38% how it's said, and 55% body language. But this is not entirely accurate. Professor Albert Mehrabian, whose work on communication is the source of these statistics, has stated that this is a misunderstanding of the findings. ‘My percentage numbers apply only when a person is communicating about emotions and definitely do not apply to communication in general.’

For example, with the spoken instruction ‘Go to the end of the street and turn left’, there's no hidden message. The words carry 100% of the meaning. In contrast, imagine someone asks, ‘Are you still angry with me?’ and the other person snaps back ‘No. I'm not’, with tightly folded arms and avoiding eye contact. Would you believe that they're not angry? It's unlikely. And that's because how the person really feels has been conveyed by their non‐verbal communication.

Mehrabian's research confirmed that when words and non‐verbal messages are in conflict, people believe the non‐verbal every time. So, when someone is telling you what they feel about something, a big part of what they're communicating comes from an unconscious display of their ‘silent’ language; which either reinforces, detracts, or contradicts what they are saying.

Speech is mostly conscious and intentional. In contrast, non‐verbal communication is mostly unconscious and unintentional. Mostly, you're unaware how much you're conveying non‐verbally, but non‐verbal communication often reveals your thoughts, feelings, and emotions more genuinely than what you say. And when you're listening to other people, you're reading or picking up on their non‐verbal communication without being aware of it.

Often, you know what someone is feeling just by looking at their face; you don't need them to explain in words if they're experiencing one of the basic emotions – surprise, anger, joy, disgust, fear, or sadness. But it's not just facial expressions that can clue you in to how someone else is feeling. Other non‐verbal communication – the gestures that people use, their posture, the way they sit or stand, and the extent to which they do or don't come into physical contact with others – can tell you a lot about their feelings, intentions, and motivations. Physical reactions such as fast breathing, blushing, or turning pale also communicate something to other people. So do changes in how we speak: our tone of voice, loudness, speed of talking, pauses, and silences.

Making Sense and Meaning of Non‐Verbal Communication

However, it's not always clear what someone's gestures or facial expressions mean. A frown, for instance, can be a sign of concentration or it could indicate confusion or disapproval. So, just how can you make sense of a person's body language, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice etc? The important thing to know is that you can't rely on a single gesture, facial expression, and so on to confirm what someone does or doesn't mean or what they're feeling. The key to understanding non‐verbal communication is to be aware of and interpret the combination – the clusters – of non‐verbal actions.

Clusters are when a number of non‐verbal communications and actions occur close together and so indicate a consistent message. Clusters and combinations of non‐verbal communications provide a much more reliable indication of what's going on. A single body language signal isn't as reliable as several signals, so do look out for a number of signs that all seem to add up to ‘saying’ one thing.

For example, imagine you observed someone for a few seconds and you saw their arms were tightly crossed and they were sharply nodding and shaking their head in response to what the other person was telling them. You might conclude that they were irritated or annoyed. Keep watching and you might then see them stamping their feet, and when they uncrossed their arms, they were blowing into their cupped hands. You would probably then conclude that actually, they were feeling very cold!

Be aware whether what someone says matches or is at odds with their non‐verbal behaviour. Imagine, for instance, that you asked a friend if they'd like to go out to eat and they replied ‘Yeah. OK.’ You're not sure though that they really do want to eat out so you ask, ‘Are you sure?’ Your friend replies, ‘I said “OK” didn't I?’ But the fact that you noticed a frown on their face before they said ‘Yeah. OK.’ leaves you unconvinced. Why are you unconvinced? Because you've picked up on the mismatch between verbal and non‐verbal messages; you're sensing their reluctance because their verbal communication – what they say – doesn't match their non‐verbal communication.

This mismatch is known as ‘leakage’. Leakage occurs when a person says one thing but their body language, gestures, and so on leak something different. It's unconscious; they won't be aware of it, but if you fail to recognize these clues, you risk being misled, misunderstanding what someone is really thinking and feeling. So, when you think that someone isn't coming across as honest or ‘real’ it's probably because their non‐verbal communication doesn't match what they're saying. This mismatch creates a sense of confusion and distrust.

Understanding body language can be seen as a form of mind reading! If you can read the body language, you are reading – or getting an insight into – the real feelings and thoughts. With any one of us, whatever's happening on the inside can be reflected on the outside. Even when we're silent.

Intuition

Picking up on a combination of non‐verbal signs in a particular situation can also be seen as your intuition. Intuition is an unconscious process of tuning in and responding to a combination of non‐verbal information in a specific context.

For example, imagine a parent asking her teenage son: ‘You will be home by midnight won't you?’ If her son turns away from her and vehemently replies: ‘Yeah yeah. You've asked me twice. Stop going on about it’, the parent might not believe her son. Why? Because when someone is being dishonest, their non‐verbal behaviour is likely to change from what is normal for them; their ‘baseline’ behaviour. In this example, the son's way of speaking is normally calm and he makes eye contact. This time he raises his voice and looks away. The parent intuitively doesn't trust her son!

Furthermore, when people aren't being honest, they may rehearse the words they use, but not their body language. So when their body language says something different from their words, you know you're not getting the whole truth.

Look for the bigger picture as well as the details. Then, if you're in the situation where you don't believe what someone is saying, when it doesn't ring true or feel right, you will know it's because that particular combination of verbal, non‐verbal, and contextual cues doesn't add up.

Learn to ‘Read’ Other People

You can practise ‘reading’ other people. Turn off the sound on your TV. Watch people being interviewed on the news. Observe people interacting in dramas and soap operas. Be aware of the non‐verbal communication; the gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, and so on. What conclusions do you draw from particular combinations of non‐verbal communication?

Look for combinations that support your assumptions. If you decide that, for example, someone looks defensive – ask yourself why you think that. Is it because they have a glaring stare? Because their shoulders are hunched up?

People‐watching is also good not just for understanding individual people's attitudes and feelings, but also for developing your understanding of group dynamics. As well as watching people on TV, use the time that you have to wait in queues at the bus stop, supermarket, and so on to watch how people communicate and interact with each other. Observe people on the bus or the train or in a café or a bar and notice how they act and react to each other. Try to guess what they are saying and get a sense of what's going on between them.

Don't though get too caught up analysing the other person's body language; and don't always assume you've correctly interpreted their non‐verbal communication; remember to listen and ask questions!

Speak Fluent Body Language

One of the benefits of becoming more aware of and ‘reading’ other people's non‐verbal communication is that you become more aware of your own. It's likely you've not given much thought to whether your non‐verbal communication helps or hinders your ability to communicate and connect with other people. In any one situation you're probably unaware how much you are conveying non‐verbally, but you're no different from the rest of us; your body language and tone of voice can confirm, exaggerate, understate, or contradict what you say. You may, for example, say sorry but your tone and body language could be communicating your frustration and annoyance!

Other people draw conclusions about your attitude and intentions and, when faced with mixed messages, either they focus on your non‐verbal messages or your mixed messages create confusion and distrust for the other person. So aim to avoid sending mixed messages; make your words, gestures, facial expressions, and tone match.

Confident Body Language

If there's a particular situation where you want to feel more confident, not just appear confident but genuinely feel confident about what you're saying, there's no need to adopt a range of poses, gestures, and expressions that feel unnatural to you. Instead, you simply need to adopt a couple of gestures or expressions and the rest of your body and mind will match up.

So, simply choose to do just two or three of these actions:

• stand or sit straight;
• keep your head level;
• relax your shoulders;
• spread your weight evenly on both legs;
• when you are sitting, keep your elbows on the arms of your chair (rather than tightly against your sides);
• make appropriate eye contact;
• lower the pitch of your voice;
• speak more slowly;
• speak more quietly.

You can't control every aspect of your non‐verbal communication; in fact the harder you try, the more unnatural you will appear. But if you can just use one or two of those things consistently, your thoughts, feelings, and the rest of your behaviour will follow. It's a dynamic process where small changes in how you use your body can add up to a big change in how you feel, how you come across, and how you interact with other people.

Which two non‐verbal behaviours would you feel comfortable using? Choose two and practise using them in a variety of situations.