If you're open, friendly, and show an interest in other people, they'll most likely want to talk with you; exchange ideas, thoughts and opinions, anecdotes and stories with you.

How, though, do you respond when someone is sad and upset, distressed, or depressed and struggling to cope? What to say when a family member, a friend, colleague, or your partner tells you that they're desperately unhappy and want to quit their job or their place at university? Or that they're very worried about their financial situation? How to respond to a colleague who tells you that his wife has left him? Or that their partner has been in a car accident or a close family member has been diagnosed with a serious illness?

There's not a lot you can say. At first, what's most important is that you listen; simply listen to what they're saying and feeling. Don't interrupt, don't try to fix it, pacify them, offer solutions, or stop their experience or expression of what they're thinking or feeling. You don't need to say anything, just being willing to listen can help a person feel less alone and isolated.

Be patient. You might want to ask questions and get more details about what's happened, and how they feel about it. But first, let the other person express themselves. Whatever they say, however long it takes them to tell you or however brief, when you think they've finished, count to three before you respond. This gives the other person an opportunity to continue, but it's not so long a pause that it appears you're not going to respond.

By giving them a chance to say what's happened and what they're feeling, by trying to understand what the other person is saying and feeling, you're being empathic.

If the other person has simply made a brief announcement you might need to know more. For example, someone might tell you that they're desperately unhappy in their job or on their university course. Simply ask them, ‘Can you tell me more about that?’ Other times, someone may have poured their heart out and given you a detailed description of their situation. In that case, you might start by clarifying and confirming what you've understood. Just say, ‘So, can I just be clear, you're saying that… have I got that right?’

What to Say? Dos and Don'ts

Do ask about how someone feels about what's happened; ‘How'd you feel about that?’ Even if you think you know, let them tell you.

Don't say ‘I know how you feel.’ You don't need to have experienced the same situation as they have, you don't have to agree that you'd feel the same way in the same situation, you just need to have empathy; to recognize the other person's feelings and emotions and realize that, to a greater or lesser extent, they're having a hard time.

Do say something like ‘I'm sorry that happened. It must be hard/confusing/ annoying/disappointing/upsetting for you.’ In this way, you're validating that whatever it is, you understand that for them, it is hard, difficult, upsetting, or confusing or whatever it is they could be feeling. The other person might agree or they might disagree and explain further. For example, saying to someone whose elderly parent has recently died, ‘You must be so upset’ might be met with. ‘No, actually, I'm very relieved. Mum had been ill for so long, it's a relief that it's now all over.’

Do ask open questions to encourage the other person to talk; to express their thoughts and feelings. Open questions that begin with What, Why, How, Tell me, Explain. For example; ‘How did it happen?’ or ‘Why do you think he said that?’ Don't interrogate them though.

Don't think you can make someone to talk to you. It can take time for someone to feel able to talk openly, and putting pressure on them to talk might dissuade them from saying anything at all.

Do try and stay calm. Even though someone else's distress might be upsetting, try to stay calm. This will help the other person feel calmer too, and let them feel that they can talk freely, without upsetting you.

Don't give your thoughtful analysis of what went wrong and why. When your friend is turned down for a job or place on the course, or your sister's husband leaves her, someone tells you they've had a terrible day at work, or had a row with their partner, parent, or teenager your perspective might be useful but don't assume that you know how they feel or what will help.

Sometimes solutions are unnecessary, so don't feel you have to provide one. You may feel powerless about not being able to offer some practical help so don't suggest a juice fast, or that they need to meditate, or that you'll lend them that brilliant self‐help book about being happier every day. Not now. Just listen. They may well appreciate you just listening more than your advice. (There's more on how to offer advice later in this chapter.)

Do be willing to sit in silence. Often, comfort comes from simply being in your company.

Don't say, if someone is going through a relationship break‐up ‘I never did like them’ or ‘You're better off without them’. They're probably already going over decisions they could have made differently, or signs they should have been looking out for. They don't need your disapproval, even if in your head it sounds like support.

Don't slip into clichés. It's easy to give unhelpful platitudes that offer no comfort but just irritate the other person. Don't say things like:

• Everything happens for a reason
• God never gives you more than you can handle
• It was meant to be
• It was not meant to be
• He's just gone to the next journey of his new life now
• It could be worse
• What's done is done
• Time is a great healer
• You need to put this behind you
• You'll get over it
• Think positive
• There's always someone worse off than you are

Do say. ‘I'm sorry you're going through this’ or ‘I'm so sorry this has happened’.

Do suggest a walk or a drive. Sometimes it's easier to talk things through when you're both moving. The simple action of moving forward helps a person's mind to move forward, too. If someone is struggling to find a solution to a problem – feeling stuck in their job or a relationship – a walk in the park or countryside or a drive really can help open perspective and move things forward.

Giving Bad News

Breaking bad news can be difficult and distressing for both giver and receiver. There are, though, ways to do it sensitively; with kindness and compassion. What matters most is how well you listen and how you respond to the other person's reaction.

Prepare for the conversation. If you can, think about what you're going to say. Anticipate their reaction and anticipate your reaction to their reaction. As well as thinking about what you're going to say, think about where you'll say it. Make sure to deliver the news in a place that is private, minimizes embarrassment, and allows the other person to maintain their dignity. But at the same time, think about your own safety and well‐being because conversation can get heated and emotional. Sometimes people receiving negative news feel it's unfair. They want to fight back and argue.

Lay it out plainly. The other person needs to be clear about the situation. Here are two examples:

‘Hello Lou. Thanks for coming to the interview. I'm afraid it's not the news you were hoping for; we've given the position to another candidate. (Pause) I can though, give you some feedback; tell you what you did well and give you some suggestions that might be helpful for interviews in the future.’

‘It's not good news. (Pause) I'm afraid your lovely cat Bingo didn't make it after the operation. He died at 3 o'clock this afternoon. (Pause) He was old and just not strong enough. (Pause) He wasn't by himself; the nurse was with him. I'm sorry.’

Give reasons. Be prepared to explain why something happened and what caused it to happen, but do avoid lengthy explanations.

Anticipate questions and be prepared with concise and credible answers. If you don't have the answers, say so. If you know where the other person can get further information that might help to answer their questions, say so. If they have a question that's complicated, rephrase it to clarify it, but without changing the meaning. If it's angry, recast it in neutral language. Try and keep calm enough to answer the other person's questions with respect and sensitivity.

You may have been told that the best way to give bad news is to say something positive before and/or after the bad news. This is not to imply that things don't seem so bad, and certainly not to trivialize the bad news. The reason to include something positive is so that the other person has something positive to focus on. (As in the examples above ‘I can give you some feedback; tell you what you did well and give you some suggestions that might be helpful for interviews in the future’ and ‘Bingo wasn't by himself; the nurse was with him.’

Bad news is usually met with strong emotions. Acknowledge those emotions but try not to get emotional yourself (unless the bad news directly affects you, too). Supposing, for example, you had to dismiss an employee. You can't not dismiss them because they're crying. But you can acknowledge their distress: ‘I'm sorry you're so upset. I can see this has come as a shock’ or ‘I can see this is painful for you.’ An empathic response acknowledges not only someone's feelings but also the reasons for those feelings.

Listen to the other person; let him or her talk. Validate their emotions, but primarily listen and acknowledge. Avoid saying ‘I know just how you feel’ or ‘Try not to worry about it.’ Although you might mean well, the other person might feel that you don't understand or you're attempting to bring things to a close.

If it's relevant, state what, if anything, you can do to help, or ask ‘Is there anything I can do?’ Avoid over‐apologizing. Instead, suggest possible actions. No one wants excuses – they want a solution, direction, or tips on how to improve a situation or ideas for the future. Focus on what can be done rather than what can't be done.

Should you always deliver bad news in person? It may seem easier to convey bad news via text, email, or letter. Certainly, you can plan exactly what to say and how to word it. You can also say what you want to without being interrupted. But you can't see how the other person feels and responds. And if that's the reason for putting it in writing, you've taken the coward's way out; you don't have to deal with the other person's response. Have courage! When you deliver difficult news in person, you can read the other person's body language and make appropriate adjustments in what you're saying. And you can clarify misunderstandings. So when you can, talk to the other person, face to face.

Giving Advice and Information

Whatever it is that someone else is upset or distressed about, listening is important, not just so that the other person can express themselves, but also because if the other person does want your opinion or advice, because you have listened and checked your understanding of their situation, what you say is more likely to be relevant and appropriate.

Giving advice can provide new ideas and information, and help the other person identify their options, make a decision, move forward, and feel more in control. So, having listened and clarified your understanding of their situation, if you feel you have something to say that could help, if they haven't said so already, ask them ‘What do you want to happen?’ so that you can relate your advice directly to what they do or don't want to happen.

To make sure your advice is well received, bear in mind the following:

• Ask. ‘Do you want some ideas to improve the situation?’ or ‘Can I suggest something?’ or ‘Can I give you my opinion/advice?’ And if you've had a similar experience or know of someone else who has, just say ‘That's happened to me/happened to my friend. Let me know if you think it would be helpful for you to hear about it.’ If, for example, someone confided in you about a health problem they had that you had also experienced, the other person's thoughts and feelings about their situation might be different to yours, but by sharing your own experience, they might pick up some insights rather than feel they'd been told what to do.
• Be positive. Rather than start your advice with, ‘Why didn't you…?’ or ‘You should have…’ accept what's done is done, and focus on what they can do next. Say something like, ‘How about…?’ or ‘It might help to consider…’ or ‘Perhaps you could try…’
• Keep your advice short and to the point. Whenever you've talked for a minute or so, bring it back to them. ‘What are your thoughts about that?’
• Know when to let go. There are no magic words that will make everything OK. Even if the other person asks for your advice, they won't necessarily take it. The best you can do is listen, validate feelings, and support them in whatever way you're able to. It's important to accept that there are always limits to what you can say and do to support someone else. They may need professional help. Depending on what the issue is, you can help them to find out more from an organization that helps people cope with a specific problem such as, for example, the mental health organization MIND www.mind.org.uk or nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk or samaritans.org or ageuk.org.uk or citizensadvice.org.uk. Simply Google the issue – ‘mental health support’, for example, or ‘cancer support’ or ‘debt advice’ and there will most likely be an organization that can give expert advice.

Encouragement, Compliments, and Praise

Listening, offering advice, and encouragement could motivate someone to take a brave step, persist with and complete a difficult task, say ‘no’ to an unnecessary obligation, or do something that they didn't feel strong enough to do before.

When you see someone making progress, no matter how small, say something; give a compliment or praise. Acknowledge their efforts and point out what they're achieving. If an encouraging thought comes to mind, share it! Don't hold back. Tell them face to face, by text, or email.

In fact, giving encouragement to someone else doesn't have to be just for times when they're struggling.

There are many reasons you might encourage someone with a compliment or praise – it could be they've achieved or overcome something, made a special effort, or put extra time into something that has benefited you or someone else. So tell them! You don't need to worry about getting the wording just right. A genuine sentiment phrased a bit awkwardly is better than saying nothing at all. And anyway, your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions will show that your compliment or appreciation is genuine.

Start with the reason why you're praising the other person. Be specific. Sometimes the most memorable compliments are the most specific ones, because it shows that you noticed. For example;

• ‘You've done so well, coping throughout your partner's illness.’
• ‘You handled that rude customer so well. Well done for being so patient with him.’

Acknowledge personal qualities or special efforts; a person's concern and patience or the extra time they put into something. Notice when someone has managed a personal difficulty. Notice the work someone does. It could be someone who serves you in a shop or café, it could be something about someone's business or someone in your office. Make a positive comment about their work or business. Even if what they did is their duty or a part of their job, it doesn't mean they don't deserve to be appreciated for it.

If you like or admire something someone has done, achieved, or overcome, don't keep it to yourself. Tell them! Let the other person know that their efforts or actions have been noticed.

And if someone has done something that has had a direct impact on you, do be sure to give a sincere thank you. Let them know the difference their efforts have made; people feel good if they know that they made a positive difference, so as well as saying thanks, explain how. For example:

• ‘Thanks for doing that; you saved me a lot of time.’
• ‘Thank you for explaining that. You really helped me understand the situation more clearly.’

Finally, when it's appropriate, send a letter, card, text, or email expressing your appreciation. This shows thought on your part while also giving the person a permanent reminder of the praise.