March Hare: Then you should say what you mean.

Alice: I do, at least – at least I mean what I say – that's the same thing, you know.

Mad Hatter: Not the same thing a bit! You might just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. By Lewis Carroll

What the March Hare says is good advice; you should say what you mean. Whether you're telling someone what you do or don't want, what you think or how you feel, or you're explaining how to do something, making a complaint, or making small talk at a party, there's one rule: say what you mean. Do it in a way that makes it easy for other people to listen and to understand what you mean.

Mostly, we do mean exactly what we say: ‘Pass the salt please.’ But sometimes what we say isn't what we're really asking: ‘Is there any salt?’ (‘Yes, there is.’) In this example, hinting and implying just hides the meaning of what the person really wants. It's an indirect way of saying what you mean. So is sarcasm ‘Oh! You remembered to put the salt on the table this time. Well done.’

The best way to make it easy for others to listen and understand is to be clear and direct. If you're not clear and you don't use the right words, it's all too easy for the other person to misinterpret what you said and sometimes, they'll take advantage of your ambiguity and misunderstand deliberately. For example, tell a teenager ‘I want you to tidy your room’ and they will tidy it in the way they define as tidy. In contrast, if you say exactly what you mean you're more likely to get what you want. ‘I want you to tidy your room. This means picking up the clothes and books from the floor and putting them away. Bring the dirty cups and plates down to the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher. And make sure you vacuum the carpet please.’

Hit the Headline

When you've got something to tell someone, something to ask for, explain, or discuss, hit the headline first. Think about what the main point is that you need to make. You should be able to say it in one sentence. Two at the most. Then elaborate, following the newsreader's method of explaining the details.

For example, instead of ‘Well, they've finally announced it. There's a meeting at the pub next week. It's about time. How long have we waited to hear about this? The local planning department are going to let us know about the proposals to re‐route traffic through the town. The meeting is on Tuesday and it starts at 6 o'clock. That's not going to be a convenient time for a lot of people. I hope they've taken into consideration local people's concerns and ideas.’

Start with ‘There's a meeting at the pub next Tuesday at 6pm to hear about proposals to re‐route the traffic.’ (The ‘headline’.)

Then, and only then, elaborate, in the same way that newsreaders do:

‘We've waited a long time to hear about this from the planning department. I hope they've taken local people's concerns and ideas into consideration. I'm not sure that 6 o’clock is going to be a convenient time for a lot of people.'

And, in another example, instead of this:

‘I wonder, if you wouldn't mind, doing me a favour. The thing is I wouldn't normally ask, it's just that my car is out of action. I have to get into town tomorrow. Of course I would take the train but it's a rail replacement bus service. If you were free, I wonder if it would put you out? Would you mind giving me a lift ? Just say if you can't. I'll ask my neighbour if you can't do it but I know you often go into town on a Friday.’

Say this instead; ‘I have favour to ask you; would you be free to give me a lift into town on Friday? (The headline.) I would take the train but it's a rail replacement bus service. If you were free that'd be great but just say if you can't and I'll ask my neighbour.’

Stating the ‘headline’ first introduces the subject, sets the context, and will help the other person follow you as you say more.

The Listener's Perspective

If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.

Nelson Mandela

However, even if you're clear about what you want to say, you can't assume that the other person will understand what you mean. You need to be aware that their perspective, situation, and knowledge concerning what you're talking about might be different from yours. What do they already know or not know about what you are talking about? In some situations, you might need to ask yourself ‘Do they know why I'm talking about this? Do they know what or who I'm talking about?’

What might they feel about what you're talking about? Might it be a situation where they have strong feelings, values, or beliefs?

Is this a good time and place for them to listen to what you have to say? Avoid times when you're both tired, stressed, or distracted, when something else is happening or just about to happen. This doesn't mean putting off important conversations, it just means recognizing that there are times when others are more open and receptive to listening and talking about something. And if you're not sure, just ask ‘when would be a good time to talk about…?’

Adapt What You Say and How You Say it

Be prepared to adapt the way you communicate when you're talking to someone. This doesn't mean that you can't be yourself, it just means being aware that what you say and how you say it can help make it easy for other people to listen and to understand what you mean.

Sophie, for example, had been seconded to another department at the company she worked for, to work with a group of colleagues on a new project. Sophie is an active communicator; she talks quite fast and she tends to interrupt if the person she's talking with is taking their time to say what they think and feel, do or don't want. In order to communicate effectively with different members of the team, Sophie knew she would have to adapt her style. She retained her friendly, enthusiastic approach, but she made a point of slowing down, which gave her time to think and explain things more clearly and concisely to her colleagues. Sophie cut small talk to a minimum when talking with colleagues who wanted to get straight to the point and discuss ideas and plans. She allowed herself more time to chat with others who enjoyed long conversations (whether they were work‐related or not). She also worked out which colleagues preferred to have face‐to‐face meetings and which preferred to communicate via email.

Jon is a colleague of Sophie's. His communication style is very different from Sophie's. He likes to listen more than he talks. In meetings, he prefers to listen to what everyone says and then spend time afterwards reflecting on the information and ideas that the team discussed. Jon has let team members know that he needs to take notes during meetings and that he might need time to think through the issues. They've agreed it will be fine for him to follow up after the meeting with thoughts, ideas, observations, or questions by email.

How You Say it

Try and be aware of the impact that tone, pitch, emphasis, and pace can have on what you say and the extent to which the other person will understand. Do you, for example, need to slow down? Perhaps you normally speak quite quickly? Or perhaps you tend to speed up when you're nervous, excited, or stressed. Whatever the situation, slowing down will help you feel more in control and make it more likely that the other person can follow what you're saying.

Remember, the advice for communicating with people with communication difficulties can be followed by all of us, whoever we're talking to. But if a person does have communication difficulties don't talk to them as if they're stupid, or as if their communication difficulties are annoying to you. It's easy to come across as condescending when speaking slowly. You just need to adapt and be patient.

Practise the Pause

If you do think you need to speak with less speed, there are ways to practise. Here's how:

• Use the beat method; count two beats at the end of every sentence. For example, ‘Today is Monday.’ (1,2) ‘Tomorrow will be Tuesday.’ (1,2)
• Read with rhythm. Practise reading song lyrics or poetry. They have a natural rhythm with built‐in pauses. Pause for a comma, and use a longer pause at the end of a verse.
• Write the word ‘pause’ or ‘breathe’ on a sticky note. Place the note on your computer or near the phone, to serve as a reminder.

Lose the Filler Words

When you're nervous, distracted, or at a loss for what to say next, you may find yourself using ‘filler words’ such as er, erm, um, you know, like, right. These words may give you a moment to collect your thoughts before you continue speaking; but if you overuse them, they become irritating for the listener and distract from what you're saying. And if you're hoping to come across as confident, authoritative, or persuasive, um's and ah's will have the opposite effect; they'll undermine and weaken what you're saying.

The good news is that you can turn a weakness for using filler words into a strength by replacing fillers with pauses. Of course, even the briefest pause can feel like an interminable silence, but well‐placed pauses can make you sound calm and collected. If, when you're speaking, you lose your train of thought, a pause gives you time to get back on track. As long as the pause isn't too long (no more than five seconds) it won't come across as strange or unnatural.

Avoid Using Jargon

As well as being aware of and using fewer filler words, do avoid using jargon. Jargon uses words and phrases which are unique to a small group of people – usually in a particular job or profession – as a kind of shorthand.

Such jargon is fine if you know that the person you're talking to understands it, but it's inconsiderate, unhelpful, and confusing for them if they don't.

For example, a reference to ‘Meds’ (Medication) or ‘Obs’ (Obstetrics) will make sense to a healthcare professional but if the person listening doesn't come from a health background the other person needs to explain the reference. And the acronym – ‘CPN’ could mean one of two things. To a healthcare worker it would mean Community Psychiatric Nurse. But for a police officer, it would mean Community Protection Notice. And the rest of us would probably have no idea what either of them were talking about!

Jargon is OK when it represents a concise way of saying something to people who can make sense of it, but not when it's a substitute for easily understood words. Always put yourself in the place of the listener and if you think they may not understand, explain the jargon in ordinary words. So a healthcare worker might say, for example, to a patient, ‘You might find it helpful to make an appointment with the CPN (the jargon) – the Community Psychiatric Nurse – (the explanation) to talk about how you're feeling.’

Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something.

Plato

Avoid using gobbledygook terms such as ‘comfort break’ rather than ‘break’, ‘blue sky thinking’ for ‘clear thinking’, ‘citizen empowerment’ for ‘people power’, ‘slippage’ rather than ‘delay’. It's not big and it's not clever. It's contrived and confusing. Talk proper English!

Invite Questions and Feedback

No matter how clear and concise you might be, sometimes you can't be sure if the other person has understood, not necessarily because they've told you, but from their facial expression. Perhaps their expression doesn't appropriately reflect or match what you're saying; you're telling them something amusing, for example, but they're looking angry or upset, confused or concerned.

Instead of rattling on, simply ask ‘What do you think?’ or ‘How does that sound?’ Or ‘I'm not sure if I'm being clear, can you tell me what you understood?’

Asking questions is also useful when you think the other person isn't listening. Simply ask them a direct question. Simply say, ‘What do you think’? or ‘Would you agree?’ Then when they look at you blankly, just repeat the question and add the topic you were talking about: ‘What do you think we should do for Mum's birthday’? or ‘Do you agree that the Elgin Marbles should be returned to Greece?’

Make it easy for other people to listen and to understand what you mean. Communicate purposefully; take time to think before you speak. Be more aware of what you say, how you say it, and when you say it.