Rahul Desai is a superb sales operations guru originally from Austin, Texas. He's a hard worker who has good insights and tends not to draw attention to himself. He's also truly nice, thoughtful, calm and unbelievably thorough. His role involves streamlining processes and providing analytics to accelerate the sales cycle and enable sellers to close more deals. When I met him in 2008, he was working at the Google headquarters in Mountain View, California. He'd previously worked as a consultant, at Dell (a well‐known training ground for sales ops) and gotten an MBA. He was quietly grinding away in Mountain View as an analyst, going somewhat unnoticed and underutilised, I thought.

I had just started at Google and was in the process of getting to know the teams in Mountain View and in Asia before moving to Singapore for the second time. I was preparing to go from California to Beijing for a couple of weeks to meet the team in China, work with them on strategy and look at ways to grow the market more quickly. I asked Rahul for some help, and realised right away that he was very talented. I knew he'd be an asset on my Beijing trip, so I asked him to come along.

You definitely get to know the human side of someone when you're travelling together. We found ourselves navigating Beijing together, trying to hail a taxi in pidgin Chinese and bonding over our shared skill of travelling through different climates with a single carry‐on bag (a talent honed by having been consultants). Rahul and I spent time together in cars and at group dinners. I shared a little about my family, and told him that I knew some Chinese words because my husband and I had sent both of our boys to a Mandarin immersion school as a way to give them a global perspective. He told me about his girlfriend, who he hoped to marry. We had fun travelling together. The trip also gave me a chance to see how quickly he caught on, how open he was to new ideas, how well he got along with people and how much the team respected his analysis. It also gave him a chance to get to know me.

We were in the Shangri‐La Hotel one day, passing through one of those large revolving doors that holds two people in the same section. As I remember it, I turned to him and said, ‘Hey, do you want to come join the team in Asia?’ I hadn't planned to offer him a job that morning, but it just felt right. He would be an asset to me and to the team if he took the job — and he had to consider it since he was momentarily trapped with me between two walls of glass. I knew he'd be a great addition. I also thought the move would lead to better career opportunities for him because he'd have a chance to shine working for Google in Asia as we built the online sales business across the region.

When we got back to California, I reiterated my offer. It turned out that Rahul had always wanted a chance to work overseas. ‘I talked to my girlfriend, and she was open to it’, he says. ‘There was some negotiation with Google over the details, but I knew I was going to do it. We got married the weekend before I flew out to Singapore, a spur‐of‐the‐moment wedding decision, and she moved out the next month.’¹

The ‘Ah‐ha!’ of Rahul's story: careers are built by real connection

Why was I comfortable offering him a job after only a few months of working together and a short trip? Because we had formed a real bond. You can't always replicate the kind of personal connection that happens during international travel, of course. But seeing the humanity in those you work with is key to collaborating and getting things done.

The importance of human connection extends beyond hiring decisions. As surprising as it may seem, connecting emotionally with co‐workers, employees, bosses and colleagues is a key piece of getting work done and enjoying yourself while doing it. Success depends not just on hard work, but also on our ability to build and maintain genuine relationships throughout our career lives. We benefit from real connections with colleagues, employees and bosses on the job, and with other professionals outside of our current place of work.

Recognising the role of connection is a mindshift for many. Having workers who feel connected to a firm and engaged has been shown to improve profits by as much as 20 per cent.²

Power Perspective #1:
Amass that other critical capital: social capital

Another term for the strong, trusting relationships that are so important in a career is ‘social capital’. Having strong social capital is one of those stealth success strategies; it's essential for thriving in your career, but not always obvious from a résumé. As with financial capital, building and maintaining social capital takes time and attention. But it does not mean using people to get ahead, or viewing work relationships in a transactional way. You can accrue social capital in a way that is true to your personality and values.

Some social capital accrues naturally during your interactions at work, of course, but by focusing on building it, you can expand beyond those people you organically meet. You want strong, trusting relationships with your boss, mentors and supporters, as well as with co‐workers and other peers, employees and mentees.

Building social capital across departments helps you get things done. If you're in sales and have a good relationship with someone in engineering, for example, and you want that person to spend extra time with a client discussing systems architecture, you'll likely get a better response than you would if you lacked that strong connection. Social capital can also play a part in getting promoted. If you're interested in a job at the next level, and someone within the division who knows you advocates for your work, that support can go a long way toward putting you ahead of others in line for the same promotion.

While social capital is critical to your success, it also matters for those on your team and in your circle. Helping nurture connections for others is part of aiding their development.

Nearly all of us ‘drew down’ on our social capital during COVID. Part of re‐creating a new normal includes rebuilding those connections and continuing to develop new ones. Social capital is harder for dispersed workers to create. In today's global and often virtual work world, with so many people working either far from headquarters or from home, focusing on social capital is particularly important. It takes extra effort to build social capital from afar, but it's doable.

Here are three ways to build strong social capital for yourself and others.

Power Perspective #2:
Consideration is currency

I had a funny experience at a hip Sydney café recently that made me think about how ‘old fashioned’ does not necessarily mean ‘unworthy’ or ‘not valuable’.

I always order decaf lattes with whole milk when I'm out for coffee (something my friends scoff at as not ‘real’ coffee at all). When the server listed the types of milk available, she offered soy, oat, almond and coconut, but nothing resembling the white, creamy stuff that I grew up drinking. I said, ‘Can I just have milk‐milk, the dairy kind, like from a cow?’

‘No, we don't have that’, she said.

I just wanted a traditional latte. Not an option. Fine. I ordered my coffee with a dairy alternative and enjoyed it (almost) as much. Now, I'm not sharing this story to make a point about veganism (or lack thereof). Rather, it made me reflect on the fact that with so much that is new and improved all around us, it's easy to forget that certain old standbys still have a role. When it comes to career, I'm talking about manners. Yes, those ‘old‐fashioned’ behaviours your grandma tried to teach you.

Manners may seem like a small point to focus on — and they often are small actions — but they make a huge difference when it comes to building and maintaining connections in your career.

We all make an effort to mind our manners in our personal lives. Bringing back a small gift from a trip for a friend who watched your dog is good manners. Calling a sibling to say how much you enjoyed the dinner he made for the family reunion is another example of being polite. These small gestures increase our positive regard for those in our immediate circle and affirm our appreciation and connection.

The same is true for those at work but, unfortunately, when it comes to our careers, many of us forgo these normal acts of consideration. We can be so focused on achieving a goal and the obstacles before us that we forget to express appreciation for those helping us overcome them. We point out employees’ or colleagues’ mistakes, or highlight problems, but fail to acknowledge a job well done.

Rudeness at work may be on the rise. Two Portland State University researchers conducted a meta‐analysis of office incivility⁶ and found it growing in the virtual workplace since the start of the pandemic. Examples of incivility include colleagues criticising each other in public, texting or emailing during meetings and ignoring or interrupting co‐workers. The study authors said that something simple, like not getting enough sleep, can spark uncivil behavior, which can then spiral.

This is happening at a time when consideration matters more than ever due to today's hyper‐connected, often‐dispersed, global work environment. ‘More and more, we long for business relationships where we're treated well’, says applied behavioural science expert Amy Alkon, author of Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck, and other books.⁷

At the root of manners is empathy, caring about how your behaviour makes others feel. We've evolved to notice people who don't treat us with respect, who are freeloaders, who don't do their share of the work. Very little has changed in terms of the way our minds work.

In other words, if you don't make a point of showing your appreciation, concern and respect for others, they'll feel it, and respond accordingly, perhaps with damaging consequences down the line. Disrespect, rudeness and bad manners in general, if unchecked, can negatively affect the mental health, morale and productivity of employees. As a leader, it's important to establish a politeness policy and no tolerance for bullying in person or online.

One impressive leader I know in Asia created a welcome deck specifically on manners to share with new employees. The slideshow highlights her expectations for behaviour, including politeness, consideration and honesty. It also warns about backstabbing or gossip.

Here are three key ways to mind your manners at work.

Power Perspective #3:
Praise often, and in public

As with minding your manners, it's very easy to forget to praise those around us in a work setting. But praise gives people energy and confidence, promotes good performance and helps create connection. Frequent, deserved praise creates a culture of positive reinforcement and is part of what lands companies on the top of ‘Best Places to Work’ lists. It's a good skill to develop, whatever level you are at in your career. I'm not suggesting you lavish others with manipulative, artificial or obsequious compliments, but rather make a habit of noticing and acknowledging the good work around you.

During lockdown, we all experienced what it feels like to go without the kind of spontaneous positive feedback that comes when you work together. Many of us also experienced how easy it is to dwell on the negative when working alone. As more workplaces become hybrid, praise can matter even more. It's very hard to feel connected and appreciated by those you don't regularly see.

Many of the best companies incorporate time for public praise into their weekly operations. Cloudflare's virtual ‘town halls’ — internal meetings that include employees from around the globe — end with slides thanking specific employees and teams. These weekly shout‐outs from and about employees help create a sense of being appreciated and noticed, feelings that motivate people and inspire loyalty. Praise and recognition are important parts of doing business.

At Mediacorp, Singapore's national media conglomerate, workers at all levels are asked to give ‘kudos’ to fellow employees who have demonstrated the company's core values of respect, teamwork and drive. These collegial call‐outs are registered on the company's Intranet ‘Kudos Hall of Fame’. Managers can give ‘super kudos’, which include a cash bonus and a public mention during the town hall. Google also encourages employees to praise each other, offering ‘peer bonus’ funds for employees to give to colleagues who've been particularly helpful to them.

You might worry that it's risky to highlight the good work of a colleague who might one day want the same promotion you seek. But praising peers helps create a positive environment in general. Complimenting the work of others reflects well on you, in part because it conveys real confidence. You're not afraid to share the credit, and others notice this. Also, the people you praise will probably return the favour, so your successes will likely get noticed without you having to boast about them. (You do need to make sure your good work gets seen, even if you have to promote it yourself. More on this in chapter 4.)

Okay, sure: sometimes being on the receiving end of praise in a public forum can feel a little embarrassing. But it also feels good, and can make a real impact. While we'd like to believe that all good work gets noticed, this isn't really the case, especially for those who work in supporting roles. People can see the work of the star salesperson or programmer at a tech firm. But the star accountant in a non‐accounting firm can labour in obscurity for years. Most people will have no idea how good they are or even think about their role. They need people (like you) to brag about them.

Rahul Desai has become a great manager over the years, moving from that job at Google on to Facebook and into various leadership roles. He stayed in Singapore for nine years, and then moved back home to Texas. To help his people rise, he makes a point of highlighting their contributions by name when talking to the chief revenue officer (CRO) or CEO.

From that first experience in Singapore, I learned how important it is to make sure to highlight the work of others. When I moved to Facebook in Singapore and led a team, I flew back to California regularly for that job. I made sure to speak about my team's work when I was at headquarters, and to advocate for them to take on global projects that were likely to get recognised.

As Rahul has seen, repeatedly calling out specific accomplishments of employees helps build a case for their promotion, which is especially valuable if higher‐ups don't interact with them in person. By using his social capital to share the specific contributions of individuals with those higher up, he helps leaders see who's having an impact in the organisation.

I'll say, ‘Lauren produced this’, when sharing a success with the CRO. Lauren doesn't get seen by the CEO, so it's an opportunity for me to give her visibility. Over time, people will be like, ‘Huh. I keep hearing Lauren behind projects that are successful’. By the time I say to the CRO, ‘I think we should promote Lauren’, he'll say, ‘Oh, of course. You're coming to me every week with this new thing she's created’.

As a leader, praising people on your team reflects well on you. As Rahul says:

One thing I've learned in my career is that what speaks loudly for a manager is not what the manager can directly claim they built, but rather what I'm producing via my team. It's implied I was involved.

Power Perspective #4:
Master the art of feedback

Giving feedback is a challenge for many first‐time managers. How you do it affects whether or not others receive it well, and what kind of relationship you develop. As you move up in your career, and more of your daily interactions at work are with people you manage, developing good feedback skills becomes an essential part of creating good connections. But just telling someone what they're doing wrong does not generally improve a relationship or the person's performance, as a young man I recently advised discovered.

When it comes to detailing exactly how an employee is falling short, some managers struggle. They don't want to sound critical or make the person mad at them. Kim Scott, author of Radical Candor: How to Be a Kick‐Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, has a term for failing to give needed constructive feedback: ruinous empathy. This is when a leader cares deeply about an employee but is afraid to challenge that person directly. The leader never tells the person that improvement is needed, and the person can wind up being fired without ever knowing there was a performance problem in the first place.

People who are very agreeable, as a personality trait, can struggle the most with giving negative feedback, says psychology professor Art Markman.

Agreeableness is driven, in part, by a need to be liked. If I criticise you, you're not going to like me at that moment. So they'll often soft‐pedal it, use passive voice or try not to assign blame. They'll say things like, ‘I know you tried really hard, but…’ Or, ‘You're a valuable contributor, but…’ Then they don't actually come out and say what happened.

For new leaders who are nervous about delivering criticism (and may have trouble sleeping the night before a performance evaluation), Markman recommends what he calls the ‘XYZ model’ of delivering negative feedback.

You say, ‘You did X. It resulted in Y. Next time I want you to do Z instead.’ Don't attempt to analyse their motives. Just stick to desired outcomes. There should be a specific statement of what you want the person to do in the future. It takes practice, but what's nice about this formula is that you can learn it. You can just memorize it. It's a great way of delivering criticism.

Of course, feedback goes both ways — you give some; you get some. Receiving feedback well determines whether or not you gain from it. It also affects your connection with managers and bosses.

As Suzy Nicoletti learned when she didn't land an expected promotion, feedback from those more senior can help you gain needed perspective — if you are open to it and can take it as a learning moment. It's easy to get defensive when you're on the receiving end of feedback, but this response prevents you from gaining useful information that will help you do better.

As a leader, you need constructive feedback from your team to help you continually improve. You should seek this input. I recently saw a LinkedIn post on feedback from Kim Scott that I really liked: ‘When GIVING feedback, try to focus on the good stuff and give more praise than criticism. When GETTING feedback, solicit criticism, not praise.’¹² Scott even offers a ‘feedback ratio’ for leaders. She suggests that, as a manager, you give three or five or seven points of praise for each constructive critique, but when asking for feedback, invert that ratio to 10‐to‐one (critique to praise), or even more.

By learning to see feedback as a tool for improvement, you can capitalise on this important, regular work interaction. Feedback is so valuable that I recommend people go out of their way to ask for it, and even solicit feedback from colleagues. If someone sees you give a sales pitch, for example, ask for input immediately afterward — both what you did well and what you might do better. This can be valuable feedback that no one else is as able to provide.

Feedback is another important form of connection. As with other aspects of connection, you can develop your feedback skills to help you rise and thrive.