Truth 51
It's Lonely at the Top; Keep It That Way

People may have said to you that the higher you go in an organization, the lonelier it gets. Does it have to be this way? The answer is yes.

When you reach the top, you cannot afford to be too open with anyone inside or close to your organization. You can no longer treat any conversation as casual or confidential. And you certainly cannot talk through challenges you are facing with colleagues in the same way as before. Once you're a leader, everything you say, however inconsequential, has more weight to others' ears and, as it tends to get repeated, more potential reverberations. It's therefore important that you find a few trusted people—"thinking partners"—with whom you can share concerns and half-formed thoughts, without fear that these may be used against you.

This is partly about confidentiality. Some information is clearly meant to be kept quiet. Other information is not officially private but may have unforeseen consequences if shared. The most innocent of remarks may play out badly when repeated to a boss or board member. It's therefore best to apply a need-to-know policy when talking with others. Be alert not only for accidental breaches of confidence, but also for others looking for ways to weaken your position. Former colleagues who wanted your job may well have knives out for you until you securely establish your leadership.

A casual comment
can easily stray onto
the organizational
grapevine.

Being lonely at the top also means not discussing ideas or strategies with others until you have thought them through. Sharing ideas in their formative stages can result in their being misconstrued or misquoted. Many people also associate unformed ideas with uninformed thinking and lack of confidence. These are the last things you want others to think about you as a leader. Likewise, you need to take care with whom you share concerns, especially when these are about other colleagues and employees. A casual comment can easily stray onto the organizational grapevine, leaving you looking unprofessional, or damaging relationships if word gets too far.

So with whom can you talk things through? Ideally, your thinking partners are people with at least as much experience and knowledge as you. The more accomplished they are, the better they can assist you in making the right decisions. Those who also perform, or have performed, your role are superb. Coaches or consultants can also be good bets. Both types of partner can be found through professional networks. However, whomever you choose, remember that some things should always be confidential—unless protected by safeguards such as the attorney-client relationship—and that finding a good thinking partner is not a license to share absolutely anything.

One final word: Spouses and partners do not make good thinking partners.

Supportive as they may be, they do not always understand organizational dynamics or the need for confidentiality. Consider the wife who refused to shake her husband's boss's hand because of some former slight—long-forgotten by the employee, but not by the wife—thus doing career damage by making it clear that some behind-the-scenes complaining had been going on. This doesn't mean that you can't let loved ones know how you're feeling, but be careful what you share.

Having to guard your tongue is part of the price of leadership. Everyone needs to talk about what they're going through, but wise leaders learn to pick their confidants carefully and, when in doubt, keep quiet.