Truth 45
Spouses and Partners Must Be on Their Best Behavior

In 1946 the British Foreign Office published a manual for leaders' wives. Instructions were specific. Couples were to arrive exactly five minutes before official events. Husbands and wives were never to stand together at these events, but to mingle. The wife of a lower-ranking official should never introduce herself to a wife of a higher-ranking official without permission. The "top" wife would even complete report cards on the conduct of her fellow wives!

Although times have changed, some traditions remain. Whether you're the CEO or the head of a department, at home or abroad, your partner needs to be a model of appropriate behavior. Just as the employees you pick for your team reflect your leadership judgment and ability, so does your spouse or partner. Everything he or she says and does in public is a reflection of you. It's therefore worth ensuring that your partner is aware of the "rules."

In this contemporary age, the topic of spouse or partner behavior may appear a delicate or controversial one. It's important to realize that, by and large, the issue is no longer one of subordination of women (although women are still often expected to supervise the entertaining!). Rules now apply to men too. And the nature of the expected behavior has evolved. Today's observers are not so much looking for obedience as they are for a companion who is obviously worthy of the leader.

At company events, that means being witty and entertaining and never short of something interesting to say, rather than just smiling nicely and chatting about the weather. It also still requires the spouse or partner to be well mannered and well dressed and to comport himself or herself with dignity no matter what his or her personal style. Tact and discretion are vital too.

Jim, head of a U.S. pharmaceutical company for Asia and Australia, invited his boss, visiting from Philadelphia, to dinner at their home. The food was delicious, and the conversation flowed, but, over dessert, Jim's wife Louise started to complain about the late-night calls her husband had to make to the States. She also raised the issue of Jim's never-ending travel schedule visiting the countries in his region. Didn't the company understand how much time this took up? Her young children barely knew their father.

Everything he or she
says and does in
public is a reflection
of you.

Jim's boss was horrified. For him, these tasks were just part of the expatriate package, giving Jim broad experience and the chance to prove his skills and commitment to the company. He began to wonder if Jim was up to the job, and he decided not to mention the possible promotion he had been considering. The meal went on, and ostensibly all was fine, but a fault line had been opened in Jim's relationship with his employers.

Those early etiquette books for spouses were full of do's and don'ts. Here are some for contemporary times, with a focus on corporate entertaining. If your partner is committed to your career, why not tactfully share them with him or her? It's your job to make life easier for your loved one and to help with the details, particularly if you are new to your position. But don't forget that whatever is important for a spouse also applies to you!

Here are some do's for today's corporate spouses and partners:

• Behave graciously with staff at all levels by paying them personal attention and always being polite. Staff members tend to talk with other staff! Use small courtesies to shape a positive reputation.
• Plan your conversation before social events. Read the day's paper, for instance, or rerun in your head interesting events of the past couple of weeks and how you might relate them to others.

Here are some don'ts for today's corporate spouses and partners:

• Don't divulge your opinions about your spouse's job unless you've discussed and rehearsed what you'll say. People will remember what you say.
• Don't complain about anyone or anything work related at a social event. Stay neutral to positive. If you want to express frustration, do so privately at home, where your comments won't affect your partner's reputation.
• Don't disagree with anyone from your partner's work (or your partner) in public. Resentment may linger.

Although they're not on the payroll, spouses and partners play an important role in your leadership reputation. The two of you can be a united team inside and outside the office. The question of whether unmarried or same-sex couples need to abide by the same set of rules depends on the organization's norms and values and your location in the world. Your personal setup is part of your leadership role. Plan and prepare for what makes sense for you and your organization.