“The greatest discovery of our generation is that a person can change his life by altering his attitude of mind.” WILLIAM JAMES

I probably shouldn’t start by offending all my readers, but I have to tell you the truth. You’re crazy. Actually, completely bonkers. The fact is we’re all crazy. There may be some exceptions, but truly I doubt if you’re one of them.

Let me explain.

Think of a time when you’ve been unhappy, dissatisfied, disappointed, stressed or irritated about something. Maybe you were chastising yourself when you left the house and shut the door with the keys still inside. Perhaps you were annoyed with your local council when they got you to separate all your recyclables, then tipped everything in the same truck.

Well, here’s an extraordinary fact about us humans. Whenever we’re dissatisfied about anything, we’re nearly always wanting the past or present moment to be different, which is wishing for the impossible.

We all know the past can never be changed, though you may at times still wish it were different. Perhaps you haven’t thought so much about the fact that the present moment can never be changed either. We may be able to change the next moment or any future moment, but we can never undo what already is.

And yet that’s what we’re nearly always wanting, whenever we’re dissatisfied about anything. We’re either wanting something that’s happened not to have happened, or we’re wanting a situation that exists right now not to exist right now. Both are wishing for the impossible.

Now, that’s what I call crazy.

I say ‘nearly always’, because there’s an exception – worrying about the future. We’ll look at worry later and I’ll try to persuade you this is just as crazy.

For the moment let’s stick with the main evidence for my claim. We humans spend a great deal of time and energy wishing things were already different, in other words wanting the past or present moment to be different, such as:

• Regretting something we’ve done or haven’t done
• Being unhappy, dissatisfied or stressed about something that’s happened or a situation that exists right now
• Wishing we already have more abilities, more confidence, better health, more wealth, than we currently have
• Being unhappy about, or complaining (unproductively) about, other people’s actions

In all these cases, we’re effectively wanting something to be already different, which is crazy because nothing can ever be already different.

What if we could accept the past and present moment all the time, and at the same time develop our abilities to change whatever we want to change and achieve whatever we want to achieve in the next moment or the future?

What if, having left the house, closed the door and realised the keys are still inside, we could immediately accept the situation (not wish it were already different) and think only about how to rectify it and prevent it happening again?

What if having watched the refuse collector tip our separated rubbish in the same truck, we could immediately accept the situation (not wish it were already different) and think only about whether there’s something we can reasonably do towards preventing it happening again?

What if we could do this with every challenging situation we ever face?

Some of you may think you already do this, in which case I wholeheartedly apologise for suggesting you’re crazy. But let me ask you. Be honest. Are you ever unhappy, dissatisfied, disappointed, stressed or irritated about anything? If you are then you’re at least occasionally wanting something to be already different. So maybe you’re just a bit crazy.

ACCEPTING WHAT IS

The word ‘acceptance’ is most commonly used to imply consenting to something, resigning ourselves to a situation, or not trying to change things.

This type of acceptance means not wanting something to be different in the future. This makes sense when we’re accepting things we cannot possibly change. But this isn’t the type of acceptance I’m talking about here.

I’m talking about not wanting something to be already different. This can be applied to every challenging situation, whether or not we can change it. The term we use for this is ‘accepting what is’.

Accepting what is, means accepting the past or present moment. It means recognising we cannot undo what already is. So there’s no point wishing that something that’s happened, or a situation that exists right now, were already different.

The opposite of ‘accepting what is’, is ‘resisting what is’, which is another term for wanting something to be already different. Resisting what is, is the source of practically all unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Accepting what is, enables us to focus on what we need to do to change the situation for the better or otherwise improve the future.

If I’ve failed an exam, there’s no point dwelling on how much better it would be if I’d passed, wishing I’d worked harder, had more ability or been luckier with the questions. I’ll be happier if I can accept what’s happened, for the simple reason that it’s happened and cannot be ‘unhappened’, and concentrate on whatever needs to be done to improve the future: work harder, change direction or whatever.

What if we could learn to accept what is all the time? Maybe life would be different. For now, if you haven’t already adopted this way of thinking, you’ll have to take my word for it – it’s very different.

So how could we drop our habit of resisting what is or wanting things to be already different, replacing it with accepting what is, then focusing on action to change it if that’s what we want to do?

What if whenever we’re dissatisfied about anything, we could make ourselves aware that what we’re doing is wanting something to be already different? In other words we’re wishing the past or present moment were different.

What if we could acknowledge that this is irrational (actually crazy!) because nothing can be already different, so we’re wishing for the impossible?

Maybe we could then drop the thought and refocus on what we can do, if anything, to make it different in the next moment or the future.

You may question whether you can drop such thoughts. The truth is that when we realise a thought is irrational and of no benefit, we can drop it, except when we’re experiencing strong emotions. If you doubt you can do this, I suggest you give it a try.

Don’t start with your big issue if you have one. Start small and build up:

• The train has just left and you’re still on the platform
• You want to make a mobile call and the battery’s flat
• You’ve planned something outdoors and it’s raining

If we’re dissatisfied with any of these situations or any other situation, we’re ‘resisting what is’. The situation is what it is. It cannot be already different so we may as well drop any thought that involves wishing it were and refocus on what we can do, if anything, to make it different or improve the future. As you’re looking at the rain with irritation or disappointment at having to change your outdoor plans, recognise you’re wanting something to be already different, acknowledge you’re wishing for the impossible, choose to drop the thought and refocus on what you can do to improve the situation. Move your plans indoors, order a marquee, go scuba diving.

We’re not just trying to turn off negative thoughts. On its own that would be pretty challenging. The key is to recognise we’re wishing something were already different and that this is irrational. With that realisation, we can usually drop the thought once any emotional reaction has subsided and refocus on what we need to do, if anything, to improve the future.

And we’re not talking about trying to force negative thoughts out of our mind. This is virtually impossible.

I expect you found this pretty challenging. By contrast, letting go of a thought is something we can do when we realise it’s irrational and of no benefit. We can then replace it with thoughts of how we can improve the future. My guess is you’ve now stopped thinking about the pink elephant.

POSITIVE ACCEPTANCE

Our suggested technique for developing a habit of accepting what is, and then refocusing on action to change the future, needs a name.

We initially called it ‘positive acceptance’. As this proved a bit of a mouthful, especially when used as a verb, popular usage led to its abbreviation, taking the ‘p’ out of ‘positive’ and creating the word ‘pacceptance’.

For the moment, the technique we’re proposing for paccepting something is:

• Notice that we’re wishing something were already different (practically always the case whenever we’re dissatisfied about anything)
• Recognise that this is an irrational thought (nothing can be already different, so we’re wishing for the impossible)
• Drop the thought
• Refocus on what we can do, if anything, to improve the future

The first three steps are about ‘accepting what is’. The fourth is about refocusing on action.

What if we could develop a habit of paccepting whenever we’re unhappy or dissatisfied about anything? Thousands of people have found it to be life changing, so it might be worth a try.

So far we’ve only been talking about paccepting our circumstances. In the third chapter we’ll be applying it to our feelings.

There really aren’t too many things in life that we need to accept in the sense of acknowledging there’s nothing we can do to change them in the future. But if we want to rid our lives of dissatisfaction, we could develop a habit of paccepting everything whenever we find ourselves with a thought that involves wishing something were already different.

THE PACCEPTANCE PRINCIPLE

And if we want to change something in the future we won’t achieve it by wishing. We won’t improve our lot in life by wishing we were better off. We won’t improve the world we live in by wishing people behaved differently. We won’t develop our abilities by wishing we had more abilities. If we want to change something in the future we need to do something to make it happen.

The pacceptance principle … is simply this:

So when we paccept something, we can refocus on how we can make it different in the future, if that’s what we want and are able to do.

You may have misjudged something that’s resulted in a costly mistake. Paccepting what’s happened doesn’t mean ignoring your responsibility, the need to make amends or the importance of preventing a recurrence. It just means choosing not to spend time and energy wishing it hadn’t happened and refocusing your thoughts on improving the future rather than regretting the past.

Here’s a summary of the definitions we’ve used so far:

• Acceptance means not wanting something to be different in the future. Hence traditional wisdom encourages us to accept the things we cannot change. Acceptance is not a particularly useful concept in most situations.
• Accepting what is means not wanting something to be already different. We can apply this to any situation, whether or not we can change it, because whenever we’re dissatisfied about anything we’re nearly always wanting something to be already different.
• Pacceptance is a four-step process that helps us develop a habit of accepting what is combined with refocusing on action to improve the future. We’ll benefit enormously if we develop a habit of paccepting whenever we’re dissatisfied about anything. If there’s no action we can or want to take, we can just apply the first three steps of the process.

OUR REACTIONS

Does this mean we shouldn’t react to unwelcome situations with disappointment, annoyance or frustration? Not at all. These reactions are perfectly normal.

What we do when we react may not be so desirable or unavoidable. But for the moment, I’m just talking about the thinking and feeling part of our reactions.

There’s nothing wrong with the thoughts and feelings that make up our reactions. Even though some reactions such as fear and frustration may be uncomfortable, there usually isn’t much we can immediately do to avoid them. (We can remove them from our lives eventually if we want to, and we’ll see how later.)

To understand why we can’t immediately change our reactions, we need to spend a moment looking at where they come from.

We’ve each learned or developed all sorts of expectations or preferences as to how the world should be, what we should be experiencing, and how we or others should behave.

We naturally tend to compare these expectations, often unconsciously, with what’s happening. When the comparisons are unfavourable, we may feel disappointed, annoyed, frustrated or upset. Our feelings and the automatic thoughts that trigger them are controlled by our unconscious programming, which is the way our unconscious mind thinks or reacts. Some of this programming is handed down genetically, such as fear reactions when faced with danger, while some is learned, mainly during childhood.

As we don’t have immediate control over our unconscious mind, we generally don’t have direct control over our feelings or the automatic thoughts that trigger them. Usually we can’t immediately change the thoughts and feelings that make up our reactions. Over time we can and we’ll see how later.

Far from trying to immediately change our feelings, we’ll be talking in the third chapter about the huge value of accepting them.

Our initial reactions usually subside fairly quickly. If we then keep thinking about the situation in a negative way, we’ll simply remain dissatisfied and perpetuate or keep repeating our reaction. It may even take on a more extended form such as anger turning into resentment.

But if, when any initial reaction has subsided, we can choose to paccept what is, we’ll avoid perpetuating the thoughts that generated our reaction in the first place. After all, it isn’t our reactions that cause most dissatisfaction in life. Our reactions tend to be short-lived and account for only a small fraction of all our thoughts and feelings.

FOR INSTANCE

I’m travelling by train to an important meeting. The train breaks down and I realise I’m going to be late. My expectations or preferences as to how the world should be right now include trains not breaking down, at least when I’m on them, and me not being late for important meetings.

I’ll probably automatically compare my situation with these expectations and react with frustration, annoyance, disappointment or worry. I might even start thinking about all the possible consequences of my lateness and so add to my unhappiness.

But if I can make myself aware that what I’m doing is wishing something were already different then, once any initial reaction has subsided, I can choose to change my thinking.

The train has broken down. I am going to be late.

I can choose to paccept the situation.

DEVELOPING THE HABIT

What we’re talking about is a radically different way of thinking about countless minor situations we encounter daily and major situations we may confront periodically in our lives. Adopting this way of thinking has a hugely beneficial impact.

Many people are generally aware of the wisdom of accepting the things we cannot change, but may not always use it. You’re no doubt aware that the past cannot be changed and that it makes sense to accept what’s already happened, but you may not have developed a habit of always thinking this way.

Most people aren’t aware of the concept of accepting the present moment, and hence the idea of pacceptance, and so are unlikely to have ever tried it.

I do sometimes meet people who are familiar with the wisdom of ‘accepting what is’ but don’t have a tool for routinely achieving this and so haven’t developed it as a habit in their lives.

If you doubt you can choose your thoughts in this way, I urge you to give it a try. Start with small events and build up once you’ve mastered the process.

Next time the traffic lights are red when you’re running late, you’ve just burned the toast, the kids have put mud on the carpet or anything else has happened that’s disappointed, annoyed, frustrated or upset you, try choosing to paccept the situation once any initial reaction has subsided.

The extent to which we’re willing to incorporate this simple practice into our lives can be a major determinant of the satisfaction or dissatisfaction we’ll experience during our lifetime.

PACCEPTANCE IS EMPOWERING

Because pacceptance changes our focus from what’s wrong to what we can do about it, it changes us from feeling powerless to feeling empowered.

Pacceptance can be applied to the present or the past and a similar process can be applied to the future to eliminate worry.

THE PRESENT

Our attitude towards inconvenience, discomfort, disappointment or any other source of dissatisfaction can be radically changed through practising pacceptance.

If you’re stuck in a lift, are suffering from an illness or have just broken your favourite possession, you can paccept the situation once any initial reaction has subsided, even though you might prefer it were different. Then you can get on with doing whatever you need to do and are able to do, if anything, to improve the future.

THE PAST

You can remove regret from your life through pacceptance, whether it’s regret about something that’s happened, or something you’ve done or haven’t done.

Maybe it would have been better not to have said whatever we said. There may well have been opportunities in our lives we didn’t take. These are worth thinking about if this can help us or others to avoid repeating them. But regret adds nothing of value and is usually just debilitating and self-limiting.

Whenever we have a thought that includes the words ‘if only’, we can choose to replace it with pacceptance. ‘If only I’d studied more when I was younger.’ ‘If only I’d started my journey earlier.’ ‘If only I’d done what was needed to be richer, healthier, thinner or more confident.’

These thoughts have no value, except to the extent that they encourage us to do something different in the future. We can choose to replace them with pacceptance.

There are some situations where it may not be helpful to try to change our non-paccepting thoughts. If we’re grieving over the loss of a loved one or any other significant loss, we need time to work through these thoughts and feelings.

Trying to change our thoughts in this instance may not be helpful unless we’ve been grieving an abnormally long time. But accepting the feelings involved in grief can be enormously helpful (as we’ll see in Chapter 3).

There are also some situations involving our own or other people’s behaviour that can be difficult to paccept if at the same time we’re blaming ourselves or others for something we or they have done. We’ll introduce a more powerful approach for dealing with regret and blame in Chapter 5, ‘An extraordinary truth’.

THE FUTURE

Following the pacceptance principle generally means accepting the past and present moment and taking action to influence the future. But we can apply a related form of acceptance to the future and so remove worry from our lives. We’ll cover this in the next chapter.

WHAT IF THE NEGATIVE THOUGHT RETURNS?

Then just apply pacceptance again. It’s an opportunity to practise the technique. This may well happen initially, but in time and with practice it will diminish and finally disappear.

In fact when you’ve practised pacceptance for a while, you’ll find not only do the negative thoughts stop returning, they arise less in the first place. When we retrain our conscious ways of thinking, this soon starts to impact our automatic or unconscious ways of thinking.

ISN’T DISSATISFACTION A MOTIVATOR?

Some might ask whether we aren’t more motivated to act when we’re dissatisfied. I used to think so. But I, and the many others I know who regularly practise pacceptance, haven’t found it to be so.

Most unhappiness and dissatisfaction are debilitating rather than motivating. We’re much better served by motivations based on purpose, commitment, preference, contribution and awareness of the benefits of change. In the long run, these are a lot more productive than motivations based on resentment, regret, worry and discontent.

When you remove regret, dissatisfaction and worry from your life you can make the most of the here and now and contribute more to the future, instead of being unhappy about the past or present or worried about the future.

WOULDN’T LIFE BE RATHER DULL IF WE’RE NEVER DISSATISFIED?

It turns out the opposite is true. When we adopt pacceptance as a way of thinking, life becomes far more enjoyable and satisfying. The gap that’s left by removing dissatisfaction is filled by fun, contribution and a desire to explore possibilities and make the most of life.

And when we apply it to our uncomfortable feelings, the emotional aspects of life become fuller and more satisfying as well (as we’ll discuss in Chapter 3).

Action summary

• Whenever you find yourself dissatisfied with anything, once any emotional reaction has subsided, paccept it:
  • Recognise you’re wishing something were already different
  • Acknowledge this is an irrational thought; nothing can be already different, so you’re wishing for the impossible
  • Drop the thought
  • Refocus on what you can do, if anything, to improve the future, such as changing the situation or preventing it happening again.
• Start small and build up to bigger things
• Think about any regrets and apply pacceptance to them
• Observe non-pacceptance in others (TV, etc.) and consider how you’d now think and act in their circumstances