“The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.” LAO TSE

Most of us could probably think of at least one aspect of ourselves we’d like to change if we could. We might prefer to be taller or shorter, thinner or fatter, younger, better-looking, more confident, happier, healthier, wealthier, more energetic, more knowledgeable, more capable, or more anything else.

While some of these things cannot be changed, most can, at least to some degree. But even changing these aspects of ourselves takes time. So there’s little, if anything, we can change at this moment.

In this area, as in all others, accepting the things we cannot change doesn’t just mean accepting the unchangeables such as our height or age. It means:

Have we any reason to think we should be different right now? We are, after all, simply the culmination of our past experiences, thoughts, choices and inherited traits – in other words our life history. And none of the things we or others have done, which have led to who we are right now, could have been different at any moment given our awareness at the time.

We can choose to change ourselves in the future if we want to and are able to, but there’s no point wishing we were already different. As we and others have always been doing our best (the only thing we could have done) at every moment:

WE’RE ALL OK

If we could step aside for a moment and look at ourselves, the chances are we’d see someone who’s always done, or tried to do, whatever seemed appropriate at the time. We’d see someone who wants to be happy but doesn’t always know how, who wants to be loved but may not always feel loved, who’d like certain things out of life, but can’t always seem to get them. It wouldn’t be difficult to feel empathy towards such a person, whatever their shortcomings.

If we got to know this person well, heard all about their past successes and difficulties, understood their strengths and weaknesses, and shared in their hopes and fears for the future, we could doubtless grow quite fond of them.

Would he or she have to change for us to think them lovable? Probably not. We might encourage them to change in some way in the future, but that needn’t be a condition for loving them now.

It may be worth considering why we might want to be different from the way we are right now. Could it be because we’ve grown up with an image of what we should be like? As long as who we are isn’t unfairly hurting ourselves or anyone else, why do we need to match that perfect image?

If we’re different from other people, perhaps we should treasure whatever makes us different. If we were all the same, it would be a dull old world.

Actors are generally content to play any role. They don’t have to play a character with exemplary characteristics to enjoy their role. We too can choose to enjoy the character we’re playing for now, with all our so-called imperfections, providing we’re not unfairly hurting anyone.

If rocks could think, would they look at the stream flowing by and wish they were water? Perhaps some might. But the wise rock would probably be content being what it is. If it could find a way of changing itself into water, it might do so just for the thrill of it. But for now it would be perfectly happy being a rock.

Should a tortoise wish it was a hare so it could run faster, or the hare wish it was a bird so it could fly? I suspect tortoises and hares are content being who they are. We too can be happy being who we are right now.

Someone once said: ‘The best person to be is yourself. If you try to be someone else you’ll always be second best. If you’re yourself, you’ll be the best you there is.’ We can keep changing and growing and realising more of our potential. But we can do these things from a position of being content with who we are right now.

CHANGE BECAUSE WE WANT TO, NOT BECAUSE WE NEED TO

When we see ourselves as OK just the way we are, any changes we may want to make in the future can be made out of choice and a desire to grow, rather than out of a need to be different in order to feel good about ourselves.

We can look on any changes we may want to make in the future as a challenge. We can view them simply as part of life’s adventure. It might be nice if we could snap our fingers and make those changes right now. But life isn’t like that. And it would be less interesting and challenging if it were.

The challenge is to keep growing and developing, but not at the expense of paccepting who we are right now.

When we paccept ourselves as we are we can be more honest with ourselves and with others about our weaknesses, our fears and our disappointments. With those we trust, we can begin to drop any mask and try to be who we really are.

We can be more authentic, without diminishing our self-esteem and without having to protect our ‘image’.

We can drop any attachment we may have to always being right. We can admit when we’re wrong without feeling we’re worth less as a result. And even when we think we’re right, we no longer always need to prove it. We can forgo the short-term gratification to our ego of proving we’re right, in exchange for the greater benefit of more satisfying relationships.

We can drop any attachment we may have to being perfect, either in the way we are, or in the things we do. We can allow for mistakes and acknowledge this as part of our natural process of growth. When we make mistakes we can smile, pick ourselves up and keep going, like a child learning to walk.

We can do things because we want to do them, rather than to win approval or admiration. We can devote more of our energy to giving love to others rather than just seeking love or approval from others. Receiving love, approval and recognition may be pleasant and even desirable, but we don’t need to win approval or recognition for everything we do to feel good about ourselves.

We can be grateful for what we have, even if we might prefer to make changes in the future. If we’re alive we have a great deal to be grateful for.

We’re valuable human beings just being who we are. We don’t need any particular attributes or successes to be valuable, though we can choose to develop those attributes and be more successful if we want to, for the benefits these things bring.

CHANGING OURSELVES

If we want to change some aspect of ourselves in the future, we won’t do it by wishing; we need to act.

If you want to lose weight, you won’t do it by wishing you were slimmer or by feeling depressed about being overweight. You need to do something to make it happen. This needn’t stop you feeling good about yourself just the way you are right now. Any action you take can be motivated by choice rather than a need to feel good about yourself.

If we feel constrained by a lack of knowledge or ability in some area, there’s no point wishing we had more knowledge or ability. We can either allow our abilities to develop naturally over time, or we can take action to speed up the process. The choice is ours.

This is nothing surprising as far as our abilities and knowledge are concerned, but what about our unconscious programming? We’ve seen how our thoughts, feelings and actions are influenced by our unconscious attitudes and beliefs. Our self-confidence or self-image, the way we react and the way we relate to others, are just a few aspects of ourselves that are deeply affected by our unconscious beliefs.

These beliefs have developed as a result of our past thoughts and experiences. And they’re continually being updated as a result of new thoughts and experiences. If we consistently or repeatedly think consciously in a certain way, this will eventually affect our unconscious beliefs in a similar way. So developing positive and productive attitudes will eventually have a beneficial effect on our unconscious beliefs as well.

For example, if we have a tendency to react aggressively, we may unconsciously be harbouring a fear or distrust of others. If we can develop healthy conscious attitudes, including paccepting ourselves, accepting our feelings and not blaming ourselves (or others … which we’ll address in Chapter 8) when we were only doing our best, these attitudes will in time work their way through to our unconscious and automatic ways of thinking.

There are many techniques and disciplines that can help us alter both our conscious and unconscious beliefs, and hence our ability to think and behave in more productive ways.

There are therapeutic techniques such as Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance-Action Therapy (AAT), hypnotherapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and humanist and psychodynamic approaches.

There are positive thinking techniques, such as affirmations and visualisations. There are personal development programmes, such as Acceptance-Action Training, that use a range of techniques and philosophies to aid self-awareness and development. And there are religious disciplines and philosophies, from Western through Middle Eastern to Eastern.

This text incorporates principles from CBT, AAT and Acceptance-Action Training, which I’ve found in my therapy, consultancy and coaching practice to be the most effective approaches to personal change and development.

For those who are interested, the use of psychological techniques should generally be based on professional advice, while the use of other development techniques and disciplines might be based on a mixture of recommendation, personal judgement and experiment.

This text doesn’t aim to include the full range of such techniques and disciplines. It’s about attitudes and ways of thinking, and our resulting ways of behaving.

If there’s some aspect of your life that isn’t working well, the first thing to do is examine your ways of thinking and behaving. The ways of thinking and behaving we’re discussing in this book have had dramatic impacts on people’s lives so they might be a good place to start.

Action summary

This chapter:

• Understand that who you are right now is the only person you could have been since you, and others who’ve influenced you, have always been doing your best (the only thing you could have done), given your awareness at each moment
• Paccept yourself totally as you are right now
• Consider what you need to do to develop yourself in whatever way you wish
• Start taking action or wait until you’ve read Chapter 7, called ‘A powerful you’

Prior chapters:

• ‘Accept for now’ any uncomfortable feelings (fully experience and accept them)
• Paccept what is (our circumstances) at every opportunity
• Recognise we were doing our best (the only thing we could have done) given our awareness at the time, so paccept it
• Understand we’re still responsible for our actions, but that only impacts what we do now and in the future
• Stop worrying
• ‘Accept the feeling, choose the action’ to resolve recurring feelings, unproductive habits and self-limitations
• If an uncomfortable feeling keeps recurring when you’ve fully accepted it, try letting it go
• Observe non-pacceptance in others (TV, etc.) and consider how you’d now think and act in their circumstances