“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” HELEN KELLER

Most people go through life allowing their feelings to determine their actions. If we’re anxious, we tend to avoid whatever is making us anxious. If we’re feeling low we tend to withdraw in some way. If we’re feeling angry we tend to express it or retaliate.

This link between feelings and actions usually has an evolutionary purpose. Feelings evolved primarily for the purpose of getting us to take action. Feeling hungry drives us to eat. Feeling cold drives us to try to get warm. These feelings and responses are clearly helpful for our survival.

But our responses to feelings are not always so productive. Take anxiety for example. Anxiety originally evolved to encourage us to take action in response to rational fears, such as when faced with immediate danger. But these days most anxiety is experienced in response to less rational fears, such as phobias, social anxiety, fear of flying or public speaking.

Yet our response is still the same. We tend to avoid or move away from the source of anxiety. And this creates a problem that few people realise when they allow their feelings to determine their actions. Whenever we do what a feeling is telling us to do, we always reinforce the programming that’s driving the feeling.

Feelings are always driven by a conscious or unconscious belief. If you had a dog phobia, the anxiety you would feel on seeing an approaching dog is driven by a conscious, or more likely unconscious, belief that dogs are threatening or dangerous. Perhaps this belief arose from you having been bitten by a dog when you were young.

That belief triggers anxiety when you see the dog. Most likely you would then avoid the dog, perhaps by crossing the road. You would do this for two reasons. First to avoid the dog, which you believe to be threatening or dangerous. Second to diminish your anxiety. But when you cross the road what would happen to your belief that dogs are dangerous? It would be reinforced.

Your avoidance sends a clear message to your unconscious mind: ‘Dogs must be dangerous; otherwise why are we crossing the road?’ A second reinforcement comes from the fact that when you cross the road your anxiety diminishes. This gives another message: ‘Dogs must be dangerous; otherwise why would my anxiety diminish when I avoid the dog?’

This process is universal. Similar reinforcements occur whenever we do what any feeling is telling us to do. Depression is generally driven by a belief that life is in some way hopeless. People tend to withdraw or isolate themselves when depressed. This reinforces the belief that’s driving the depression.

Anger is driven by a belief about injustice. When we’re angry we tend to express our anger or retaliate in some way. This reinforces our belief that there’s an injustice. The message received by our unconscious is: ‘There must be an injustice; otherwise why would I be shouting or retaliating?’ This isn’t a problem for normal anger. But for someone with an ‘anger problem’ it will certainly reinforce the problem.

Cravings are driven by an unconscious belief that we need whatever we’re craving. If we then consume whatever we’re craving, we’ll reinforce that belief. ‘If I’m consuming the nicotine or chocolate, I must have needed it.’

Furthermore, in all these examples, whenever we do what a feeling is telling us to do, the feeling nearly always diminishes or goes away. As I explained with the dog phobia, this further reinforces the belief that’s driving the feeling. ‘If my chocolate craving goes away when I eat chocolate, then I must have needed chocolate.’

So the belief is strengthened in both ways and the feeling comes back stronger next time.

RESISTING FEELINGS

As we saw in the last chapter, as well as tending to do whatever our feelings are telling us to do, we also tend to ‘resist’ uncomfortable feelings. As we’ve seen, this has the effect of compounding the feelings. ‘What we resist will persist.’

Resisting uncomfortable feelings also further encourages us to do whatever the feeling is telling us to do. When we cross the road to avoid the dog, our anxiety diminishes. When we eat the chocolate, our craving diminishes. So if we don’t like what we’re feeling, we’ll cross the road or eat the chocolate to get rid of the feeling.

So resisting our uncomfortable feelings and then doing whatever the feelings are telling us to do is a perfect combination that is certain to compound the problem. Indeed, almost everyone who comes to see me with a psychological problem has developed that problem through a combination of resisting their uncomfortable feelings and repeatedly doing whatever those feelings have been telling them do.

THE CURE

It should now be clear what we need to do to resolve almost any psychological problem, unproductive habit or self-limitation, be it anxiety, depression, anger problems, OCD, addictions or any other self-limiting problem such as public speaking nerves, lack of confidence, low self-esteem, procrastination, smoking or excess weight.

First we need to train ourselves to accept any uncomfortable feelings. Then we need to repeatedly do the opposite of whatever the feeling is telling us to do. We need to:

This is probably the most powerful psychological tool anyone can develop in their lifetime. Learning to accept uncomfortable feelings was covered in the last chapter. Choosing an action that’s opposite to whatever the feeling is telling us is something anyone can do, provided they’re sufficiently motivated. The motivation is that it will resolve their problem or self-limitation, whatever that might be.

When we choose an action opposite to whatever the feeling is telling us to do, we undermine the belief that’s driving the feeling. When we stop crossing the road and instead walk past the dog, our unconscious belief is immediately challenged. Our unconscious thinks, ‘I thought dogs were dangerous, so why aren’t we crossing the road? Maybe dogs aren’t dangerous after all.’ Doing this repeatedly, while accepting the anxiety, or any other recurring feeling, will eventually eliminate the feeling.

Furthermore, because I’m accepting my anxiety, it’s easier to walk past the dog as I no longer need to cross the road to avoid feeling anxious.

Finally if I’m controlling my anxiety by accepting it, the challenge to my belief that dogs are dangerous is strengthened. My unconscious thinks: ‘If I’m not feeling so anxious maybe there’s no danger.’ And so my belief about dogs unwinds all the faster.

ACCEPT THE FEELING, CHOOSE THE ACTION

We have a lot more immediate control over our actions than we have over our feelings. So we can choose to act in productive ways, whatever we’re feeling. We can:

This isn’t just a glib phrase. It’s a life-changing tool for dealing with recurring uncomfortable feelings and unproductive habits, breaking through limitations and taking charge in challenging situations.

It’s a way of thinking and acting that allows us to separate our feelings from our actions. Living our lives according to this adage allows us to act in ways that are no longer determined by our feelings. And if we want to resolve feelings such as anxiety, reticence, feeling low, addiction, excessive desire for food or an anger problem, we need to repeatedly accept the feeling (or desire) and then act in a way that’s opposite to whatever the feeling is telling us to do.

If we’re feeling low and we want to resolve the feeling, we need to ‘accept the feeling, choose the action’. We need to accept the low feeling and re-engage with life, such as responding positively to social invitations, getting more exercise, developing a passionate interest or contributing to others.

More severe problems, such as major or clinical depression, need other tools in addition to this one. One of these is a ‘cognitive restructuring’ technique called a thought record (outlined in Chapter 10, ‘Our crazy thoughts’). This is a Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) technique that aims to directly challenge distorted ways of thinking. But for most issues, accepting our uncomfortable feelings and choosing productive actions is the best way to challenge the unconscious beliefs that are driving our feelings and behaviour.

For example, if we have a problem with excessive anger, our anger is likely to result in us responding excessively to perceived injustices. If we want to resolve the problem we need to repeatedly accept the feeling and withhold the angry response.

Choosing our actions may mean choosing to defer a current gratification for the sake of a longer-term benefit. I may feel a strong desire to tuck into that cream cake but I can accept the desire and choose not to indulge it if I want to lose weight. The excessive desire to eat beyond what we need will gradually unwind.

I may be experiencing cravings for nicotine, sugar or chocolate. If I can repeatedly accept the craving and choose not to indulge it, the craving will gradually diminish and eventually disappear.

It doesn’t require us to suppress our feelings or desires, and it generally doesn’t help to try to. We don’t need to deal with the feeling, beyond accepting it. Nor do we need to wait for it to subside to choose a productive action that’s not determined by whatever we’re feeling.

BREAKING THROUGH FEAR

Fear in its various forms can limit us more than any other feeling if we let it. Insecurity and fear of failure are perfectly normal feelings given the way we’ve learned to think and react. But they don’t have to stop us doing the things we want to do if we choose not to let them.

I’m talking here about irrational fears – situations we can see aren’t dangerous to our health or safety and aren’t unreasonably risky, but that we feel nervous or reticent about because of our unconscious programming and automatic ways of thinking.

I may need to talk to a group but feel anxious about speaking in front of audiences. I may want to raise an issue with my boss, but feel self-conscious about doing so.

The way through is to:

We can hold the fear in one hand while we do what we want to do with the other. We don’t have to wait until our fear has subsided. If first-time parachutists waited for the fear to subside before jumping, the plane would be up there for a very long time.

One of the reasons we’re so reluctant to act when we feel fearful is that we have a belief, either conscious or unconscious, that if we do it something disastrous may happen.

So when we’re faced with something we’re afraid of, instead of seeing our fear as an obstacle that has to be overcome, we can see it as an opportunity to deal with the very programming that’s causing us to feel afraid.

The way to change the programming is to start doing the things we’re fearful or reticent about and to keep doing them, until we get the message that we don’t need to be fearful any more.

When we practise ‘accept the feeling, choose the action’, we may discover we have a lot more potential than we realised. As our fears or reticence start to diminish, and we’re no longer so limited by them, it becomes easier to choose productive actions, both day to day and longer term.

In all areas of our lives, choosing our actions means dealing with problems or issues instead of trying to avoid them.

There may be a problem at work that we’re not sure how to handle. Avoiding it and hoping it will go away usually doesn’t help. Talking it through with others, seeking advice, making a start and tackling it one step at a time are all more productive.

If we feel nervous or reticent about asserting ourselves or tackling a problem, that’s fine. We can just hold on to, and accept, our nervousness or reticence and choose to do whatever needs to be done.

PRACTISING

Rather than just applying this tool to specific issues we may want to resolve, it pays to practise it in any area of our lives where unproductive behaviour is being driven by an aversion to discomfort.

For example, most people are aware that exercise is good for our health, fitness and physique. Yet many people miss daily opportunities to exercise simply because it can initially generate discomfort. Taking every opportunity to exercise, such as walking up two flights of stairs instead of taking the lift, walking quickly instead of at our normal pace, walking up escalators or getting off the bus a stop earlier are not only opportunities to exercise and get fitter, they’re also opportunities to practise ‘accept the feeling, choose the action’.

Exercise may initially generate muscle discomfort or more rapid breathing. We can focus on those feelings and accept them, knowing they won’t harm us and that they’re bearable. Then we can choose to keep up the exercise.

If we start living our lives by the principle of ‘accept the feeling, choose the action’, we can start doing things we previously might have seen as beyond our reach. As our lives expand, the possibilities also expand. That’s my latest promise to you. There’s no limit to what we might achieve if we keep it up, taking on new challenges and repeatedly moving beyond our comfort zone.

Action summary

This chapter:

• ‘Accept the feeling, choose the action’ to resolve recurring uncomfortable feelings, unproductive habits and self-limitations
• Use it to take action even when fearful
• Practise

Prior chapters:

• ‘Accept for now’ any uncomfortable feelings (fully experience and accept them)
• Paccept what is (our circumstances) at every opportunity
• Stop worrying
• If an uncomfortable feeling keeps recurring when you’ve fully accepted it, try letting it go
• Observe non-pacceptance in others (TV, etc.) and consider how you’d now think and act in their circumstances

Note that accepting feelings is now at the top of the list. That’s because if we have an emotional reaction, we normally need to deal with it first, by focusing on and accepting the feeling, which will usually diminish it, before we can paccept the circumstances that triggered the feeling.