You, Me, and Us

During a previous marriage that was marked by an excessive amount of navel-gazing (from my point of view), I remember saying in exasperation, “It seems that there are always three of us to deal with here…you, me, and the relationship.” In fact, we are different in each of our personal, business, and other influence relationships. Each of us has aspects of our culture, personality, talents, education, experience, associations, interests, and memories that connect in different ways with different people. In this way, each relationship is unique. Each person knows and connects to some aspects of me that would surprise another person. One friend sees me as goal-directed and organized; another experiences me as a flake. One direct report finds my lack of attention to detail rather charming, making room for her to grow, while another is constantly disappointed that I need a reminder from him if he wants my input by a specific date. I have a very different influence relationship with each of them.

Influence relationships don't have to be very close; you don't even have to like one another. But you do need to acknowledge that there is a value to the relationship, that mutual respect and support is important, that “one hand washes the other.” You need to know that you can trust the other person to keep agreements, to respect confidentiality, to approach the relationship with the intention of being fair. You need to believe that you have enough vested interests in common that you will both want to maintain the balance in the relationship.

The content of the influence message is filtered through what we believe or perceive about the relationship. This frequently determines how likely we are to be influenced by this person on this topic at this time. Understanding what makes a particular influence relationship unique will help make it successful. Knowing what values and goals you share, what the other trusts you to know about, and what is likely to create conflict means that you will less often be surprised or unprepared to influence (or be influenced by) this particular person.

The Importance of Balance

Overall, the most important thing to remember about influence relationships is that they only work well when they're kept in balance most of the time. That means that neither party feels that he or she is always the target, rather than the initiator of influence. Both parties should have relatively equal expectations of gaining support from or influencing the decisions of the other.

One way to ensure that this is so is to make sure that you use both expressive and receptive behaviors whenever you influence, so there will always be an opening for the other to respond and to shape the outcome. Another way is to have regular check-ins with the people who are the most important to your success. You can do this in a low-key way and be quite explicit with one another about what is working and what needs to change in your influence relationship. But it only works if you check in on a regular basis—not just when a relationship crisis looms.

Studying History versus Being Condemned to Repeat It

Sometimes you choose the people with whom you will have an important influence relationship; often they choose you or are chosen for you. In all cases, it's important to remember that the past creates the future. Before you begin to influence in a new relationship, find out something about what the person might be expecting from you. These expectations might be based on past history with your organization, profession, or department, other people in your role, or past experiences with you that you may not recall (or with someone like you). Using receptive behavior to learn about preferred norms or processes (how he or she would like to work together on this), as well as any concerns or preferences he or she might have, can get the relationship off to a good start.

If you're surprised by the other person's reaction to your influence behavior, stop the process and ask about it or, if that is inappropriate, disengage temporarily and ask someone who is in a position to know what the problem might be. If you learn about a past problem that might be creating concern or wariness in the present, avoid any tendency to become defensive or to try to justify previous actions or behavior. Instead, use this as a learning opportunity. Use receptive behavior to find out all you can about it. If necessary, disclose and acknowledge your part in or your organization's contribution to any issues that may be affecting the current influence opportunity. Use expressive behavior to let the other person know where you stand now and what you hope to achieve by working together.

Creating Your Influence Future

Each time you influence someone, you're making it easier or more difficult to influence him or her in the future. A successful and balanced outcome will motivate both of you to repeat the process, building a longer-term and more effective relationship.

If you plan to be part of an organization, industry, or profession for the long run, there's no time like the present to build new and strong influence relationships. The very person you write off or treat disrespectfully today may be in a position to give or withhold support for something important to you tomorrow.

Some ways you can build influence relationships for the future include

• Fix anything that is broken in a current influence relationship, and do it at a time when you're not seeking to influence that person.
• Seek out people with interesting ideas and learn more about them.
• Ask people you respect but don't know well to help you on a task or project.
• Offer to help someone whom you would like to get to know better on a task or project.
• Give public credit to people whose ideas you like and use.
• Invite a new person to join a task force or participate in a “think tank” meeting.
• Take time to congratulate a coworker on a job well done.

Over time, your influence relationships will become a rich source of ideas, information, referrals, and mutual support. These people will be your coalition partners, champion your ideas, recommend you for that promotion, write blurbs for the cover of your book, hire your children as summer interns, and stand up and be counted when you need them. You don't have to take them out to dinner, but it wouldn't hurt to do lunch once in a while.