The Purpose of Receptive Influence

Receptive influence invites others to contribute ideas, information, and commitment to action. Since most people tend to overuse expressive behaviors when they wish to influence, they also tend to underuse receptive behaviors—behaviors that they may use very effectively and unself-consciously as part of everyday conversations with friends and family, in coaching or counseling sessions, or in intellectual discussions. It's not obvious to everyone that receptive behaviors offer an effective way to influence others directly.

Receptive behaviors, used skillfully, can guide you and others toward an agreement, solution, or choice that satisfies each of you. You can't really influence a person to do something that he or she knows to be against his or her best interests, because influence implies choice, unless you are appealing to a negative and vulnerable aspect of that person. (This is discussed in Chapter 16 on the ethics of influence.)

Receptive influence indicates respect for the ideas and concerns of the other person and acknowledges his or her authority and accountabilities. At the same time, it creates a channel for the conversation that is flexible, yet goal-directed. This is how it differs from using similar communication behaviors when you don't have a goal in mind, where your intention may simply be to gather information or to assist another person in solving his or her own problem. As an influencer, you are consciously and openly moving toward a goal. You know that the other person has to go there with you willingly, so you make it easier for him or her to move in that direction.

In his book, To Sell Is Human, Daniel Pink cites research on “perspective-taking,” that is, getting inside the mind of the other person. He explains that the difference between perspective-taking and empathy is that perspective-taking is about thinking and empathy is about emotions. He describes research by Adam Galinsky, William Maddux, and others. They conducted a challenging negotiation simulation in which one third of the subjects were told to imagine how the other side was feeling (empathizing), one third to imagine what the other side was thinking (perspective-taking), and the third group acted as a control with general instructions. Both of the first two groups did better at creating good agreements for both parties than the control group, but the group that was given the perspective-taking instruction did significantly better.

Just as expressive behavior can be used in a way that disempowers others, receptive behaviors can be used in a manipulative way by someone acting as if he or she has no agenda, but behaving in a way that makes it clear that one exists (see Chapter 16). This is an ineffective and dishonest use of receptive behavior. It seldom works very well the first time, and it most certainly will not work a second time. As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you—fool me twice, shame on me!”

Phrasing a statement as a question doesn't mean that it will be perceived as receptive behavior. Others will experience questions that present a position or suggest that there is a right answer, as Tell behaviors. For example, “What does your father always say about that?” is another way of saying, “You'd better do what Dad tells you to do.” Questions that include the phrases, “Don't you think…?” or “Do you agree…?” are almost always expressive in nature and thus in impact. Leaders and managers are often surprised to learn that employees didn't feel involved in a decision, because they believed themselves to be inquiring and soliciting employees' ideas. This usually occurs when the subtext is a clear Tell message. The right, or politically wise, answer was clear. We are very good, as a species, at figuring this out.

Because receptive guidance must be light, rather than heavy, in order to be effective, it is essential that the influencer adopt a neutral, nonjudgmental point of view. If questions and comments promote—even subtly—the influencer's point of view, they will be treated, correctly, as expressive statements. People sometimes misuse receptive influence behaviors in the hope that they will not be caught influencing (see Chapter 16) and that the other person will believe that the result was his or her idea. This virtually never works. Most people are sensitive to having “words put into their mouths” and will not be fooled or coerced into commitment. They may “go along to get along.” Many managers mistake their direct reports' politically expedient behavior for evidence of their own superior leadership and influence.

Because of the nature of receptive influence, it's almost never a one-way process. In drawing out and learning about the other person, the influencer will adapt and adjust and develop new ideas—sometimes even changing the influence goal as a result of new information. Often, effective receptive influence behavior provides an opportunity for both participants to accomplish important goals.

The Receptive Behaviors

Receptive behaviors include Inquire, Listen, Attune, and Facilitate (Figure 5.1).

1. You can Inquire by asking open-ended questions (ones that can't be answered by “yes” or “no”) and by drawing the other person out.
   • “Where should we consider going on our vacation this year?” (Ask open-ended questions)
   • “You mentioned that you were uncomfortable with the direction we're taking. Tell me more about your thinking.” (Draw out)
2. You can Listen by checking understanding and by testing implications of what the other has said.
   • “So from your point of view, that contractor has too little experience with custom-designed homes for you to feel comfortable.” (Check understanding)
   • “I'm sensing that you're pretty hot under the collar about that.” (Test implications)
3. You can Attune by identifying with the other person and disclosing information about yourself.
   • “If I were you, I might well be concerned about whether that would affect my eligibility.” (Identify with other)
   • “I didn't listen to your ideas very well the last time we discussed this.” (Disclose)
4. You can Facilitate by clarifying issues and posing challenging questions.
   • “It seems that you're caught between wanting to be a good team player and feeling strongly that your idea is the only successful way to go.” (Clarify issues)
   • “What would it take for you to be willing to put off the trip for a year?” (Pose challenging questions)

Using Receptive Influence at Work

The most obvious use of receptive influence at work is to obtain information that will help you guide others' thinking about issues. In most organizations, information is an important source of power, and significant data is not always readily available.

You can't get someone's help or shared commitment to a goal without knowing how the other person is thinking about the issue involved. You can't sell someone on an idea or proposal if you don't know his or her decision criteria. You can't negotiate a good and fair agreement with someone if you don't know what he or she wants or needs in relation to the subject at hand. You can't resolve conflicts unless you know how each party is interpreting the situation and what each feels is to be gained or lost.

• “What ideas do you have about the new exhibition booth?” (Ask open-ended questions)
• “So, your decision will be based primarily on whether the proposal helps us meet the customer's need for scalability.” (Check understanding)
• “What would it take for you to commit to this schedule?” (Pose challenging questions)
• “If I were you, I might be worried about how this will affect my budget for next year.” (Identify with other)

Receptive behaviors invite others to contribute and grow in confidence and skill. A young executive I once worked with had moved rather quickly from being an outstanding individual contributor to being the head of an important department. He prided himself on having excellent solutions to nearly every problem that his group had to deal with, and he shared them with his staff in the hope that they would learn from him. Yet his people were not developing in the way that he had hoped; he was growing impatient with their lack of imagination. After receiving some rather difficult feedback (as part of a coaching process), he realized that he was not in the habit of asking questions and listening to the ideas that his very talented people tentatively put forward. One day he made a memorable statement: “I'm no longer in the business of being a star; now I have to create stars.” He knew that “no great idea ever entered the mind through the mouth,” and so he decided to use only receptive behaviors at his next staff meeting. To his surprise and delight, his staff was full of ideas—and very excited about having the chance to express them.

One of the mistakes leaders and others often make is to accept the first response, or presenting problem, as the real issue. Thus, we spend a lot of time solving the wrong problems or trying to solve problems that others need to handle. Receptive influence behaviors allow us to learn, in depth, what the real issues are while guiding others along a path toward shared responsibility and commitment.

• “You mentioned that you were a little uncomfortable with that deadline. Tell me more about that.” (Draw out)
• “You look as if you're uncertain whether to commit to this course of action. Is that right?” (Test implications)
• “Here's why I'm asking. I'm nervous about the upcoming executive committee meeting, and I want to feel totally prepared.” (Disclose)
• “What options do you have for dealing with that problem?” (Pose challenging questions)

On teams, receptive influence is essential for getting members' involvement and thus their commitment and energy behind any course of action. Team members can build productive relationships quickly with one another across functional lines by using receptive influence.

• “What do you think we need to do to make this work for the customer?” (Ask open-ended questions)
• “Help me understand more about how you'd like me to assist with that.” (Draw out)
• “As I understand your situation, you want to work on this with me, but your dilemma is that you don't think your functional manager would support it.” (Clarify issues)
• “What will it take for you to be able to commit to meeting this deadline?” (Pose challenging questions)

In today's competitive environment, one of the keys to organizational success is the ability to learn quickly and communicate that learning to others in the organization. Organizational learning has to happen through the individual use of receptive behaviors.

• “How did you get that proposal accepted so quickly by the customer's legal department? What worked?” (Ask open-ended questions)
• “So, it seems that your team has gone to a shared database solution.” (Check understanding)
• “One thing I learned on this project is that I made a big mistake in over-engineering that product; in the future I'll be more aware that the customer isn't likely to pay for that degree of perfection.” (Disclose)
• “Like you, if it was my innovation, I'd probably want to be cautious about showing the prototype to the customer in tomorrow's meeting.” (Identify with other)
• “You mentioned that you wouldn't use that vendor again. I'd like to hear about your experience.” (Draw out)

Using Receptive Influence at Home

In your family or household, receptive influence helps you discover how members are feeling and involves them in decisions that will affect their lives in important ways. It's a means of expressing confidence and respect for others and, in this way, creates an atmosphere of mutual trust. Asking for and listening to others' ideas also invites them to be more open to your ideas. A very common complaint in families is, “He/she never listens to me.” This is another way of saying, “I'm not respected around here. My opinions don't count.”

Even young children can respond to and reciprocate with good influence behavior.

• “How do you think we should assign the housework tasks?” (Ask open-ended questions)
• “You've been very quiet all day. I'm wondering if you're worried about Pyewacket's visit to the veterinarian tomorrow?” (Test implications)
• “I shouldn't have yelled at you about breaking the dish. I know you didn't mean to do it.” (Disclose)
• “So, you're sad that your teacher didn't choose you to go on the trip this time.” (Check understanding)
• “What can you do to show her that you're ready for the next one?” (Pose challenging questions)

Children who are treated in this respectful manner are more likely to respond in a mature and productive way, regardless of age. On an outing with my then four-year-old grandson, I asked him to think about his behavior. “Isaac, why did you run away just then?”

He responded, “I forget to manage myself when I have chocolate ice cream.”

“What do you think you can do about that?”

“I shouldn't ask for it.”

“And what else could you do?”

“I could be the boss of me, even if I eat ice cream.”

In potentially difficult or emotionally charged situations with adults and older children, it's especially important to lead with receptive behavior (using a nonjudgmental approach and tone of voice) before you find yourself in an attack-and-defend spiral. Doing this requires serious self-management, including knowing when and how to disengage if you begin to feel and act defensive.

• “Help me understand what I did that upset you just now.” (Draw out)
• “So you waited because you expected me to pick you up as I did the last time?” (Check understanding)
• “If I were you, I would probably have felt angry and put down by what I said to you when I left this morning.” (Identify with other)
• “So you were really disappointed with the way I was approaching the situation, but didn't want to embarrass me in front of the kids…is that right?” (Test implications)

Using Receptive Influence in Your Community

Many community issues bring out individuals and groups with a wide range of interests. A major task of leaders in community organizations is finding those interests that are common to all and that might hold promise of agreements or solutions. This can only be done through the judicious use of receptive behaviors.

Even large-scale meetings can be designed so that participants are invited and encouraged to listen to and learn from one another. (See the suggestions on meeting design in Appendix C.)

• “What are the issues that bring each of you to this meeting?” (Ask open-ended questions)
• “Do I understand you to say that no one from your group has ever been part of the leadership of this organization?” (Check understanding)
• “You're right. I did cut that discussion short after I promised to hear everyone's views. Let's return to it.” (Disclose)
• “What are some things we can do that will achieve our goal without going over the budget?” (Ask open-ended questions)
• “In your place, I suppose I'd be reluctant to volunteer once again without a commitment from the rest of us to help you.” (Identify with other)

Perhaps the most important use of receptive behaviors in community settings is for the purpose of understanding widely differing points of view. This is far preferable to the common situation in communities when interest groups break down into ever-smaller cohorts with single-issue themes.

When to Use Receptive Behaviors

In summary, use receptive influence behaviors at work, at home, and in your community under the following circumstances:

• You need important information that is not self-evident
• You want the other person to be committed to the decision
• You want to get to the bottom of a problem
• You need the other person to take an action that you can't take yourself
• You want to express respect for the other person and his or her opinions and ideas
• The other person has indicated, by repeating him- or herself or by withdrawing, that he or she doesn't feel listened to
• You intend to use the information that you receive in a way that the other person will agree is a benefit—or at least not harmful to him or her

Research shows that understanding how others are thinking—even more than understanding how they are feeling—can lead to better outcomes for both parties in a negotiation. Using the receptive behaviors allows us to learn about, work with, and respect both the emotional and the intellectual processes of the people we influence.

A key to successful influencing is the ability to balance expressive and receptive behaviors over time in an influence relationship. If I know that you're open to hearing my point of view, I'm much more willing to listen to yours. If I know that you're not just “picking my brain” (a graphic and unpleasant image), but are also willing to tell me what you know and think about the topic, I'll go a little further out on a limb to give you information and opinions.