Know Exactly What You Want

Let's take these steps one by one. You first have to know exactly what you want, with numbers and dates. Most people know what they want, such as a better hotel room, more money for retirement, their children to clean their room, or a salary increase. That's a great start, but without numbers and dates, your ask is weak. You could get a better hotel room, but unless you state that you do not want to pay extra, you will get the room but at a cost you do not want. You could get more money for retirement, but it may be through financial vehicles that are too risky for you. You could get your children to clean their room, but that may be once a month when you want it every day. You could get a salary increase, but that may not be until next year. Now you see the importance of adding numbers and dates to your ask. Using these examples, this is how you check off step 1:

1. I want an upgrade to my hotel room reservation tonight at no additional cost to me.
2. I want to have an additional $50,000 each year when I retire in three years and avoid high-risk planning vehicles.
3. I want my children to clean their rooms every day by 6:00 PM.
4. I want a $10,000 raise effective January 1.

There is a real difference between knowing what you want and knowing what you want with numbers and dates.

Another factor in knowing exactly what you want is why you want it. Why is it important to you? We have all heard the expression “what's your why?” and this is where that expression has exponential meaning. When people cannot articulate their why, I ask them “What won't happen if you don't get what you want?” Once you start listing what won't happen, you can crystallize your why. For example, if you do not get the upgrade to your room, you may never go back to the hotel and also tell your friends not to go there. If you don't get an additional $50,000 in your retirement years, you may have to move and severely alter the lifestyle you currently enjoy. If your children do not clean their room by 6:00 PM each night, they do not get to play with their friends on Saturday. If you do not receive your $10,000 raise, you will start looking for a new job.

Now that you have what won't happen, I reverse those reasons and put them into a positive spin. It goes like this:

I selected your hotel because of the location and the design of the rooms. I have a heavy work load and many back-to-back business meetings. Could you check for me whether I could have an upgrade to a suite at no additional cost so that I can do some of my meetings in my room?

We thought carefully about this and we want to do everything now to ensure that we can maintain our lifestyle when we retire. With your help I'm sure we can figure out how we can save or earn an additional $50,000 a year. What have you done for your other clients who wanted the same as we do?

Listen kids, it's not your favorite thing to do but I need you to clean your room each day by 6:00 PM, and this is why. If your room is a mess, your life, family, friends, and everything about you is a mess, and I know that is not what you want. So what do you say, can you clean your room so that we can have more fun on the weekends?

Each of these examples explains the why—why you want what you ask. Add this to step 1 and it's bonus time!

Let me show you exactly how practical step 1 can be. I was speaking in Washington, D.C., and had a lot of work, as we all do, before and after this speaking engagement. I thought on the train ride in, if I had a spacious room I could feel more creative, not as though I were in a hermetically sealed hotel room. So I got to the hotel (a very upscale one, I might add), and they gave me my room. I have a routine about hotel rooms. When I arrive at the room, I keep my luggage on me and open the door and see whether I like it. Inevitably, despite my telling them at the front desk and having on my hotel record that I do not want to be by an elevator or an ice or vending machine, I get the room by the elevator or the vending or ice machine. I seem to have this happen to me a lot with hotel rooms. Well on this occasion, that did not happen, but I got a room where the desk was practically in the bathroom—no joke. It was literally in the hallway from the bedroom to the bathroom. With key in hand I returned to the front desk. You could see that my initial check-in person was worried, but another person asked me if they could help. I explained the layout of the room and how I really needed some space because I was there for three days and would be in the room a great deal of the time.

He looked at me and pulled out a piece of paper and two pens. He drew a tic-tac-toe diagram on the sheet of paper. He said to me, “Here's the deal. If you win the tic-tac-toe game, you get the room upgrade.” Game on. I smiled, took the pen, and put a great big X in the center square. Now if you play or have ever played tic-tac-toe, you know that when you make this move, you win every time. My hotel check-in person played along until I won. Then he said, you won and gave me new keys to a new room. I thanked him and went to my new room. It was a palatial suite, three times the size of the room I had, with an office space, a divan, and a bathroom with a Jacuzzi. I was so excited I called him from the room phone to thank him. He answered and asked if I liked the room? I said, as Princess of Tic-Tac-Toe, yes! Step 1—it works; now get your hotel upgrade.

Prepare the Conversation

We can check off box 1 happily, and we are ready to go to box 2—prepare the conversation. This is the step that most people skip, or if they do prepare, they do so in their heads. The first rule of this step is that you must write down at least 15 responses you think you will receive to your ask. That's right—at least 15 and in writing! It is really not that hard to do, so let me get you started with my list. You can then select the ones you think you will hear. The great thing about this list is that you can add to it when someone gives you a response you have never heard. Then that response goes on the list. This is an all-out effort to have you prepared and ready to respond when they answer your ask. Here are the most common responses I have received to my asks or have heard from others about responses to their asks:

• “I have to think about it.”
• “That is a lot of money.”
• “Why are you asking me?”
• “Can I do this at a later time?”
• “This is all I am authorized to give.”
• “I need more information.”
• “I have to speak to other people before I can make this decision.”
• “Can I do this over time?”
• “Who else is supporting you?”
• “Why is this so important to you?”
• “What did you give?”
• “Does 100 percent of your board/staff give?”
• “I invested with you already; why do you need more?”
• “Your projections are way off. How did you come up with this valuation?”
• “What makes you think I have this kind of money?”
• “I already gave you a bonus last year. Why do you feel you need a raise?”
• “We don't make these kinds of exceptions for our guests.”
• “Why do you need to spend more time with your family; what about us?”
• “Do you really think we need to invite x number of guests for this event?”
• “After you ask other people, then come to me.”
• “That's as high as I can go.”
• “I supported your event. Why do I need to make an additional gift?”
• “I can't help you, but you should speak to x about this.”
• “What will happen if you don't get the money you need?”
• “I'm sorry, I just can't.”

Now notice that none of these responses appear to be positive responses, yet many are. “I have to think about it” is a wonderful positive response, bringing you almost to a yes. “I have to speak with other people” is also almost to a yes because the person is giving your ask so much consideration that they want to get the opinion of other decision makers. So while you are listing the responses you think you will hear, be sure to list the ones that are a direct yes as well. In my experience, when people hear a yes to their ask, that is where the real surprise occurs. The first reaction (and the incorrect assumption I might add) is that if the person said yes right away, you did not ask for enough.

I shake my head when I hear this. Please erase this thinking. You thought long and hard about your ask, you prepared and delivered it perfectly, and you got what you wanted. Celebrate, do not second-guess yourself. Besides, as I tell everyone, you can always go back for more, so getting what you want in round one is a victory. Here are some positive responses you should prepare for as well:

• “OK, I think I can do this.”
• “Sounds good; what do we do next?”
• “It's a stretch right now, but this is important.”
• “I never thought I'd be doing something like this, but you convinced me.”
• “Yes.”

Keep adding to this list in writing, because the last thing you want is to be shocked, stunned, or ill-prepared or have that deer-in-the-headlights look when someone simply says yes to your ask.

Deliver with Confidence

Step two is checked off; now on to step three, deliver with confidence. This may seem beyond obvious, but I have seen many people do all the prep work, then when it comes down to looking the person directly in the eye with strong and convincing body language and tone of voice, they fall apart. Some blurt out the ask so that they can get it over with. Some look down, look away, or look over the person, and the moment of engagement is lost. We covered most of this in this in Chapter 4, under the section “The 10 Essential Characteristics of an Exceptional Asker,” so if you need to re-read how you can have the best body language and tone of voice and how you can practice your ask by looking in the mirror and recording your voice, go back to Chapter 4.

I want to add an extra tip for you when you deliver with confidence. What if it is your ask day and you are not in a good mood. Something happened to you in your personal life or you are overloaded with work and it is placing you in a very bad frame of mind. Not every day can be a great day, although we wish it could be. What do you do? How do you get in the right, confident mindset to make your exceptional ask? Well, this has happened to me several times. One time I was so late driving to an appointment that I went over the speed limit in a rural section of New Jersey that just happened to be where many nursing homes were located. A police officer came flying up behind me, pulled me over, and asked me if I knew I was exceeding the speed limit. This was the first time I was ever pulled over, so the officer gave me a warning and I went on my way. That was the day I was doing a $250,000 ask, so I must have been distracted while preparing mentally for the ask. As a result, I lost track of my speed. I was shaken, unfocused, and now so nervous that I could not leave this behind and get a clear focus on my ask.

So I discovered a way to get out of myself and change my frame of mind. I became someone else. That's right; I said to myself, “From this moment on, I am now Candice Bergen,” and I visualized how she looked and talked during her comedy series “Murphy Brown.” Now, I know I'm dating myself here, but it worked. I loved the way she was strong, funny, compassionate, and in the moment during the shows. She is also the complete opposite of how I look. She is tall, and I'm all of five feet two inches. She has long blonde hair, mine is short. So I stepped out of myself and put myself in the shoes of Candice Bergen, and off I drove to my appointment. It worked. We got the $250,000! Today I visualize Kate McKinnon the comedian from Saturday Night Live, because I just love her versatile sense of humor and intelligence.

The second tip I have for you when you deliver with confidence is do it in person. I've referenced the importance of this several times in this book, but I want to emphasize it here. We know that your ask should make such an impression that it moves a person to action. Let me say this again: Your ask should move a person to action; that is the goal. That impact gets lost or at best diluted when you do it via text, e-mail, instant messaging, snail mail, or the telephone. People cannot see you and they cannot not judge how important this is to you. Even if you do it via Skype, there is still a distance between you and the person you are asking. Yes, there will be instances when it is utterly inconvenient or even impossible to ask in person. This is especially true for international work and for people who work virtually. Also, as mentioned in a previous chapter, younger people may just want you to ask via a text message. But whenever you can, ask in person; as I said before, you have a 75 percent greater chance of getting what you want. Don't underestimate the power of the face-to-face ask.

Clarify What You Think You Heard

We are on to step 4, having checked off steps 1 through 3. The first place where the 5-step process can break down is in failing to prepare, as detailed in step 2. The second place it can break down is right here in step 4. By way of illustration, let me show you the importance of this step and how easy it is to skip it. Robert is about to ask a donor he knows very well for a $2.5 million gift for new radiology equipment for a hospital. Robert and the donor have previously discussed the details of the impact of the gift, specifically as to what this new equipment would mean in terms of accuracy and efficiency in patient care as well as the three new technicians that the hospital could hire as a result of this gift. Robert invites the donor to meet with him at the hospital to continue their conversation about the gift opportunity. After a few minutes of catching up, Robert turns to the donor and says, “Thank you for your time today. As you know, we have been discussing the possibility of you and your family making a $2.5 million gift by the end of this year to support our new radiology equipment and recruiting our new technicians. Have you made a decision, or is there anything we can do at the hospital to help you make that transformational decision?” A great ask. The donor turns to Robert and says, “I do have to think about this.” Robert says that's fine, and that he will call the donor in a week or so to follow up.

What went wrong here? At first appearance, absolutely nothing, since it is perfectly normal for a person to need more time to decide on a $2.5 million investment. But here is the missing piece, and we miss it all the time. Robert has no idea what the donor is thinking about, and therefore he cannot close this gift until he does. Our minds have the natural tendency to do what I call “fill-in-the-blank work.” We start guessing and calculating the exact reason why the person cannot do what we asked, but they have said nothing. Using our example with Robert and the donor, we start guessing that the donor:

1. Thinks $2.5 million is too much money.
2. Hasn't really discussed it with his family yet.
3. Has other charitable commitments that might make this gift too much at this time.
4. Isn't really wild about supporting this project.
5. Perhaps wanted someone from the radiology department to be there.
6. Wanted the ask to be done at his home, not at the hospital.
7. Wanted the whole family to be present during the ask.
8. Expected that he could do the gift mostly through a will.
9. Maybe wanted more details about the estimated number of patients per year that would benefit from this new technology.
10. Wasn't convinced by Robert's delivery of the ask.

These are just 10 reasons, and there could be more. But the problem is that we start racing in our minds about what the donor is thinking, and the donor has not said a word. When this happens—and it will—your one and only task is to find out exactly what the person is thinking. Do not leave it to chance or start guessing what it could be. Here is the ask at its best. In this example, the first thing Robert should say when the donor says, “I have to think about it” would be a response such as:

Thank you for your consideration. We are sure this is an important opportunity to consider. To the extent you feel comfortable, can you share with us what you are thinking about? We are here to help.

Thank you for your time. It would be so helpful if we could know what you are thinking about so that we can help you reach this important decision. What is on your mind?

Thank so much for your honesty. We know this is a big decision, and we are here to help you. Together, we know we can reach a decision. Can you let us know what you are thinking about?

These are suggested phrases that will help you get to the bottom of the person's concern so that you are both on the same page. I will reiterate that it will take you much more time to get a definite answer if you do not know what the person is thinking. Once you do, stay with their concern. First, you lead with the thank you because everyone deserves to be thanked for their time and their consideration. Second, you make the invitation to discuss what they are thinking by stating, “To the extent you feel comfortable” or “It would be so helpful.” This gives the person the chance to say “No, I'd rather think about this alone,” or to let you know exactly what they are thinking. In my 25 years of asking I have never had a person say to me “No, I'd rather think about this alone,” so that should give you the confidence to extend the invitation to have the person tell you what they are thinking. Third, when you say “we are here to help you,” you let the person know that you are a team. They do not have to resolve this all by themselves.

I have discussed with many people how they felt after they have been asked. Many responded that they felt “put on the spot,” “like a floodlight was shining on them,” or “pressured to respond right away.” This says to me that the ask was blurted out. The asker did not bring the person in close; rather their words, actions, or tone of voice pushed the person away. If you thank the person, ask permission to clarify their response, and end with “We are here to help you;” you keep the person close and agree that “now we can work it out together.”

In this example, if the donor says to Robert, “I have other outstanding gift pledges to make, and I don't think I can take this on right now,” we know that it is the timing that we need to work out. If the donor says to Robert: “I have not made a gift that large; I really feel more comfortable in the $1.5 million range,” we know it is the amount that we need to address. Whenever someone hears the response “I have to think about it,” there is an automatic reaction to think the amount is too high. But remember, that is you the asker making an assumption. In reality the person you asked just said they have to think about it.

Clarifying what you think you heard is such an important step. It applies with any ask. What if you asked a neighbor to help you paint your garage next Saturday and your neighbor says “Gee, I don't know.” You could assume that your neighbor:

• Does not want to.
• Is busy next Saturday.
• Doesn't like you enough to give up his day to help you.
• Asked you to do something in the past and you turned him down.
• Has to check with his family to see if there are things he needs to do for them.

All these ideas are swirling in your head, and yet all your neighbor said was “Gee, I don't know.” I often say the ask is like a group hug; keep the person you asked close to you. Don't make the ask a tennis match—I speak, you speak, I speak, you speak. Bring the person in close, let them know that you are there to help and that they do not need to make this decision alone. If they want to, fine, but offer to help. The most important thing is to find out what they need in order to reach a decision. In all my years of asking, I have never had someone say to me: “It's private,” “I can't tell you,” “I don't want to tell you,” or “It's none of your business.” They will share with you what is on their mind, and once they do that you have successfully clarified the issue. Now, together, you can move forward to reach a decision.

Plan Your Next Move at the Ask

Emma had just launched her own acupuncture business, which she set up in her home. She had been with a small wellness practice but felt that the timing was right for her to branch out on her own. In addition, she lived in a town where there had been major residential and commercial growth, so she saw her opportunity to seize on a new patient base. She was diligently making personal outreach calls and going to local business networking events. Although she met many people who said they would be in contact with her, her business was not taking off, and she was not getting the patient volume she expected. Whenever she would describe the uniqueness of her practice and the person seemed genuinely interested, she would say to them, “Great, give me a call to set up a time to come in for your initial appointment” or “I will call you next week to set up a time.”

What went wrong here, and why is Emma not getting any traction for her business? While it appears that Emma was doing step 5, plan your next move at the ask, she wasn't. Saying to someone: “I will call you next week” or “Call me when you want to set up a time to come in” is not planning your next move. Take a look at the difference between saying:

“I will call you next week”

and

“How about if I call you next Tuesday at 10:00 AM?”

Or between

“Call me when you want to set up a time to come in.”

And

“I have my first opening Tuesday at 10:00 AM next week. How does that work for you?”

Planning your next move at the ask requires you to be proactive and for you to list the suggested date and time when you will meet or speak again. That is the way you get your calendar matched with the person you asked. Otherwise it will take you on average two and a half weeks to actually catch the person on the telephone or to get your texts or e-mails returned. I know this from experience! I thought I was doing so well to actually have the person consider my ask that I did not lock down the date and time to speak next. It cost my business dearly because I could have been helping my clients to raise money much more quickly.

When Robert asked for the $2.5 million gift for the radiology department, he made the same mistake. When the donor said “I have to think about it,” Robert said, “Fine” and stated that he would call in a week or so. What is a “week or so?” You don't know, and neither does the person you asked. So to satisfy step 5, lock down the date and time to meet or speak next at the ask and watch how quickly your patient and client numbers increase, your timeline to close gifts lessens, and the response from your neighbors comes faster.

Now you see how “The Five- Step Foolproof Method for Any Ask” can work for you in any situation. Remember: it is really important that you do these steps in order and that in step 2 you write down all the responses you think you will hear and keep adding to your list. They work, and I am confident they will work for you.

The ASK—It's Two Sentences and a Question

Now that you have my 5-Step Foolproof Method for Any Ask, you can use it to craft your perfect ask. This is one of the biggest jewels of wisdom I can give you. Make your ask two sentences and a question. Throughout this book I have been illustrating how important this simple yet highly effective technique can be. The reason why I repeat this technique in every suggested language for your ask is that in my experience people over-ask the ask. I know you have experienced that for yourself. A friend asks you to pick up his mail and packages outside his door for two weeks while he is on vacation, and the ask goes like this:

Hey, we will be away for the first two weeks in July. Gosh, we can't wait. We are going hiking in the Pacific Northwest. Some of our equipment is still on its way, but it will get here on time. The weather looks terrific, some rain here and there but nothing to worry about. And can you believe my boss gave me such a hard time taking off because we are testing a demo those weeks and I won't be there? Oh yeah, could you pick up my mail and packages those weeks? That would be great. So how about you, vacation plans on the horizon? I remember you said you may be using your frequent flyer miles to go to Spain.

Sound familiar? Somewhere sandwiched in this lively and exciting conversation is the ask to pick up mail and packages the first two weeks of July. But also there are the comments about the arrival of the equipment, the weather, the boss being reluctant to give the time off, and the question of where the person being asked will vacation. Which part of the conversation should the person being asked address? Now I do not want to steer you away from having a light and easy conversation with your friends, relatives, and neighbors or anyone close to you, but when you want something and need to ask someone for anything, keep it simple with two sentences and a question; get your answer and then move on to the weather, the equipment, the boss, and your vacation plans.

Here is how the conversation could go. First, make your opening conversation the way you would normally speak:

Hi Carter, how are you? Do you have any vacation plans for the summer?

Listen to what Carter has to say and then you make your ask:

We plan to be away the first two weeks in July, hiking the Pacific Northwest. In the past we have come back to some mail the post office forgot to hold, packages by our door, and the mail piled up, which can be a sign that we are not home. Do you think you could pick up any mail or any packages outside our door at that time?

Do you see how this all fits in? With all the preparation work you did with the five steps, now you can glide into the formula for two sentences and a question. Is it magic, no, but it is practical and powerful, oh yes!

If you would like more on the 5-Step Foolproof Method for Any Ask, I highly suggest you read my e-book Winning Words for Raising Money (2013, Jossey-Bass). In it I lay out more details on these five steps and particularly how they relate to raising money.