What Does Money Mean to You?

I was teaching a class on THE ASK. I designed this class so that the morning session would cover my methods on how to ask, when to ask, where to ask, who should ask, how to prepare for the responses, how to close, how to follow up, and how to manage expectations. The second half of the class is devoted to what I call “Laura's practice studio.” It is the students' time to shine and practice their ask. One student plays the asker and the other the person being asked. I have the students arrange the chairs and table in the way that is most comfortable for them to make their ask. A young, bright but scared-to-death student gets up and places the chairs opposite each other with a large table in between them. She makes her ask and says, “I would like you to support scholarships at our private school.” Her ask did not have a dollar amount or a timeline for making the scholarship.

The class then had the opportunity to share what they liked about the ask and how it could be improved. They said that she needed to ask for a specific amount; otherwise the person being asked cannot make a decision about supporting the scholarship. The person would simply not know the amount to consider. I said that she needed to add when she wanted the scholarship. Timing is important because the person you ask needs to know when you need what you're asking for. I also asked her why she placed a table in between them during the exercise. She said the distance from the person she was asking gave her more confidence and without it she would be too close.

I asked her why she felt she needed this distance from the person she was going to ask. After all, when you make the ask, you need to convey that this is very important to you and that you are there 100 percent to help the person make this important decision. She said she was not a fan of freestyle role-playing and preferred writing scripts and reading from them. She continued that asking is way out of her comfort zone. She thinks of herself as a “giver,” not a “taker.” She will give before she takes. She held her head high and said quite firmly that her family raised her with pride and strong values. I was taken by her honesty, but I had to get to the core of this, because being a giver all your life will not allow you the breathing room to make an ask for money. I felt that if I did not at least try to gently uncover her views about money, she would struggle with asking for money all her life.

So at that very moment I did what I love to do with each person who tells me they cannot ask for money. I simply asked, “When you ask for money, what comes up for you?” She didn't know what to say at first, but then it all came out. She was a young child playing with her siblings and cousins who were younger than she was. Her uncle told them all that if they played quietly he would give them a dollar. At the end of the afternoon, her uncle came in and gave each of the children a dollar except her and told her she did not earn it or deserve it. The class went dead silent. This memory, filled with shame and guilt and low self-esteem, literally pushed her to identify herself as the giver, not the taker. So for her, to ask for money is a shameful event, and she becomes the taker.

This student is not unlike the screenwriter friend that I wrote about previously in this chapter and not unlike many, many people who have a very difficult time asking for money. I have taught, coached, and trained people all over the world on how to ask for money and more of it. There is not one stereotypical person, whatever their age, sex, profession, geographic location, or lifestyle who has an easier or more difficult time with asking for money. It comes down to one factor and one factor alone: What does money mean to you? This is not the same question as: Do you have money? or Were you raised comfortably with money, or did you have no money at all? I begin every session with that question. In the answer, I am looking for the values and beliefs each person attaches to money. It always falls in two areas: the positive and the not so positive. The positive folks view money as:

• Power
• Freedom
• Choices
• Change
• Opportunity
• Selection
• Control
• Independence
• Expression
• Security
• Creativity
• Education
• Health

On the opposite side, money can mean:

• Debt
• Obligation
• Loans
• Insecurity
• No retirement
• Headaches
• Divorce
• Alimony
• No health care
• No choices
• Depression
• Insecurity
• Low self-esteem
• Failure

These are complicated feelings with emotionally laden stories underneath them, and they come up when you ask. Many people try to tell me they are just fine with money, but when they practice asking for it, I can see right through them. My job is to make you 100 percent secure about money before you ask for it. Remember: Any ask you make has a money implication. Even if you are not asking for a dollar amount, your ask will involve money. Consider the following list of what money can mean, and you will have a new appreciation that money is embedded in every ask you make. Money can:

• Define your stature in life.
• Determine your success or lack of success.
• Be the reason you stick with your job.
• Determine when and if you retire.
• Be a factor in when and where your children or grandchildren go to school.
• Set the limits of what you give to your family during your lifetime and through your will.
• Govern how much you spend and borrow.
• Be the deciding factor in where you live and where you have a vacation home.
• Make you reflect on whether you made the right choices in your life.
• Govern how much you will inherit.
• Determine how much you can spend and save on a monthly basis.
• Govern how and where you spend your free time.
• Give you confidence in deciding whether to start a new business venture or to hold off until later.
• Be a factor in your health care and insurance coverage.
• Play a positive or challenging role in your relationships.
• Bring your family closer together or tear them apart.
• Motivate or discourage you to be like others who have more than you.
• Free you to take risks or prevent you from making changes.
• Determine how much you can invest.
• Determine how much or how little you can give to charity.
• Keep you up at night.
• Be the source of arguments, tension, and unspoken resentment.
• Be the most stressful topic of conversation.
• Cause you to gain or lose weight.
• Affect what you eat and where you eat.
• Influence the time you spend to be creative or to relax.
• Keep you from being spiritually connected.
• Release you from worry and responsibilities.
• Govern how and where you exercise.
• Touch every aspect of your life and the lives of those around you.

Money does touch every aspect of your life, which is why it is so important that you come to terms with how you feel about money and how it influences your comfort level in asking for money.

What Does Money Mean to the Person You Are Asking?

We tackled the first side of the equation by focusing on you, the asker. Let's take this to the next step and find out what money means to the person you are asking and why it should matter? I was working in development at a university, and one of my donors was a very wealthy man. He had made his fortune in real estate. He had gone to the university and so had his children, who were now adults and doing well in their respective fields. At the time I was assigned to work with him, he was making yearly gifts of $1,000. Now those were great gifts, but when you see the potential of what he had and what he could give, it seemed way off. I took him to every basketball game (and the season, as you know, is very long) and gave him special seats to all our events, which he enjoyed. He met and knew very well the president of our university, the trustees, the dean of his school, and the current students. Every time we asked him to make a larger gift, he would give us $1,000. We asked him for an outright gift, a planned gift, a gift of insurance, a trust, an annuity, and he would give us $1,000.

I thought it was me and that I was doing something wrong. That had to be the only explanation. One day we were seated together at a luncheon, and I don't know what came over me but I turned to him and asked, “When you give the university $1,000 does it feel like a million dollars?” Now I'm thinking to myself I'm definitely going to get fired. He answered, “Yes.” I said to myself, “OK, Laura, now what do I do?” I asked him “If it is OK with you, can you share with me why?” What he said to me was incredible and a life lesson for me. He said to me that his mother told him to be a saver. He saw her go through World War I and the stock market crash and her words echoed in his head every day. While he had more than enough money for his family, he just couldn't give more because “he may need it.” And there it was. The core reason why he could not give more was that it was impossible for him to do it. He is the exemplary saver, and there was nothing I could do, say, or offer that would put a dent into his emotional attachment and his will to save.

I was fortunate that this experience came early in my career, because, from that moment on, I have always navigated my way to finding out what money means to the person I want to ask. This, as you can imagine, is not an easy task. You could blurt out, “Hey, I'm about to ask you for money, but before I do what does it mean to you?” That would not get you very far. But I do have a tried-and-true way you can find out without using the word money. Whenever I am stuck and need an answer, open-ended questions win the day. So here are some questions you can ask before you make your ask. If you want to ask for a philanthropic gift or for someone to be on your board or to volunteer for your organization (each ask has money implications), ask this question: What is your first memory of when you knew the importance of giving back?

Nowhere in this question will you find the word money, and yet it will get to the heart of how a person feels about money. You will hear responses that generally fit three categories: home, religion, or education. Many people learn the importance of giving back or volunteering from their parents, siblings, relatives at home; through their religious practices; or through teachers and mentors in school. I have heard stories that people learned to give back when they went trick-or-treating on Halloween for UNICEF, served in a soup kitchen with their family during Thanksgiving, baked pies and cookies for a church or school fundraiser, saw a movie that moved them to volunteer, or watched their cousin give money to someone who was homeless and had no place to go. The stories you will hear are incredible, and they will draw you closer to the person you will eventually ask for money. It is so important that you know how they feel about money before you ask.

This applies to business ventures and everyday living as well. If you want to ask someone to invest in your start-up business, you could ask, “Have you invested in other ventures, and what motivates you to be an investor?”

Nowhere do you see the word money, but their answer will be so revealing. If the answer includes an exciting and rewarding investment, they will tell you how great it was to take something from concept to market and what a thrill it was to be part of a successful venture. Investors are not just people with money who take chances. For the most part they are careful and strategic planners, and if you know that, you can tailor your ask. For example, your ask might sound like this:

You shared with me that you plan out every potential risk that might arise before you invest. That quality is exactly what I'm looking for in my potential investors. Would you consider sharing your expertise as well as making x investment in my product?

THE ASK as you see in this example is nothing more than two sentences and a question. We will explore this further in Chapter 4, “How to Be an Exceptional Asker,” but I wanted to introduce the idea to you now so you see how this all works before you ask.

If you are asking for something in your everyday life that is important to you, it is equally important that you know what money means to the person you want to ask. Suppose that you are at the doctor's office, and she has just prescribed a medication. Perhaps you do not have a prescription plan, or you want to know if there is a generic drug that is just as effective but at a lower cost. The issue is that you do not know whether your doctor will let you know of an alternative, or whether she really likes the pharmaceutical representative for this medication and will stay loyal to that person. The doctor may be loyal to the representative because he keeps her well informed and up to date on the most cutting-edge drugs. This may not appear to be a money issue, but from the doctor's viewpoint, time and education are money. You might ask,

I know many doctors and medical practices have pharmaceutical representatives to help them with the latest drugs for their patients; I'm sure that helps them stay current and saves them time. While I respect this process, I'm in a situation where I need to rely on generic drugs. For the medication you prescribed, is there a generic brand that is just as safe and effective, and are you willing to prescribe it for me?

In this example, the conversation is about money. The doctor may have very strong feelings that cheaper generic drugs are not on the same level as high-end and more costly drugs, and therefore can't and won't prescribe a generic brand. Many people do not view these types of day-to-day encounters and situations as asks that involve money, but now you know and have read that they all involve money. This two-step process will make it much easier for you to ask for what you want because you are solid in your views on money and the person you are about to ask. Here's a quick review:

1. Know your views on money.
2. Know the views on money of the person you are about to ask.

Do You Have Money Wellness?

Now that you are aware of this two-step process—namely, that money is opportunity and that it is important to know your views on money and the other person's views on money before you ask—I want to drive home why I began this book, making sure you have a great relationship with money. In my e-book, Money Wellness: Is Money Making You $ick? (Balboa Press, 2016), I detail through numerous examples how worrying about money can lead to dreadful illnesses. It was an eye-opening experience for me, because in the course of my several careers, I experienced how money worries could cripple, devastate, and paralyze people and families. When I was working as a civil-litigation attorney, I experienced firsthand what money can do and how it affects a person's health. One of my cases involved placing 462 people from a closed mental-health facility into a hospital or community setting, with money, medication, and services. The stress this placed on these families was unbearable, because they all worried that their parent, child, uncle, sister, or brother would run out of money, and wondered who would take care of them.

As a philanthropic advisor, I have had the pleasure of working with people who value and treasure the importance of good health care, and they have made significant and transformational gifts to health care organizations. Their giving was exemplary because they knew their investment would save lives and they wanted to ensure there would be excellent health care services should they or anyone they love ever need them. I have heard many people say to me: “Health is the most important thing in life,” “You can have all the money in the world, but if you don't have your health, you have nothing,” and “I know in my heart that the stress and worry about money contributed to my illness.”

Before I could make their philanthropic goals a reality, I discovered that many people had crazy definitions and relationships with money. It was taking a toll on their personal and professional lives and on their health. Many people could not sleep because their jobs were not paying them enough. Others were in denial that money was important or avoided seeing the doctor or having surgery to “save money.” Some people took on their children's and grandchildren's debt while postponing their retirement; fell into bad eating habits, dining out all the time because work was overwhelming; avoided exercising because gyms were too expensive; or gave up their vacation and personal time because if they worked harder they would be promoted faster.

If you have any doubt that money and health are related, look up the Stress in America Report by the American Psychological Association. This report found that money was the leading source of stress.

Polls published by the Associated Press and AOL compared the physical health of people who live highly debt-stressed lives with those who live with less debt-stressed lives and found the following¹:

• Headaches and migraines: 44 percent versus 15 percent
• Depression: 23 percent versus 4 percent
• Heart attacks: 6 percent versus 3 percent
• Muscle tension and lower-back pain: 51 percent versus 31 percent
• Ulcers and digestive problems: 27 percent versus 8 percent

Money is a health issue, and this stress manifests itself in our bodies and makes us ill in so many ways. Stress has been linked to many ailments, including anxiety, depression, diabetes, hair loss, obesity, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and ulcers. Many of us are stressing over saving for retirement or paying off credit card bills or school loans. Our health is suffering because we are worrying about money.

Many people think that money wellness means having a lot of money and being able to do anything at any time, worry free. Money wellness, however, is defined by health, not wealth. It is the sum of everything that goes with being financially, emotionally, and physically sound and is the balanced holistic integration of financial, emotional, and physical health. The thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes you have about money as well as the everyday decisions you make about money affect your sleep, diet, and exercise. In fact, they affect every aspect of your life, including relationships, travel, education, parenting, fashion, real estate, charity, financial security, retirement, fun, success, and creativity. To have money wellness means having adequate cash flow, sufficient assets, the absence of illness, and the presence of emotional well-being.