Is This a Room, or Is This a Closet?

Travel can be wonderful and relaxing, but when you do it for work and you travel a lot, it can be tedious, frustrating, and anxiety provoking. Whether you travel for work or travel as a getaway, I think you will agree that having the ideal hotel room, suite, villa, cabin, or apartment when you are away from home is important. In fact, I would guess that it is among your top priorities when you travel. Have you ever made a hotel arrangement and specifically asked for the ocean or waterfront view and when you arrive find that your room is facing the parking lot? It's frustrating, and you have choices: You can complain, scream at the front desk, or listen to your travel companion who says, “It's not that bad and we won't be in the room that long.” Alternatively, you could ask for the room you want that will make you happy and satisfied. The ASK to the rescue!

I was invited to speak at a very large conference in San Antonio. People from dozens of foreign countries were coming, and the crowd was expected to be in the thousands. The topic that I was speaking about was a brand-new concept I had created called “The Five Askers.” I had read Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages and later on I saw him on an interview with Oprah. I got to thinking, if Gary can put the huge topic of love into five personality traits, I can certainly put the huge topic of asking into five personality traits. So I created “The Five Askers,” and this conference was the first occasion I was going to reveal it. (Stay tuned: The Five Askers will be my next book—shameless advertisement!)

With a conference this size I knew that most of the hotels would be filled to the maximum. I made my reservation well ahead of time and put in the special request section in the reservation form, as I always do, “Please give me a room away from elevators and ice and vending machines, one on a high floor with no traffic or parking-lot view.” I was an affinity member with this hotel in San Antonio, having racked up points for more than eight years, so I felt very sure that that they would honor my requests in my reservation. I arrived in San Antonio and headed directly to the hotel. The lobby area was packed, and there was a very long line at the registration desk. I finally got to the registration desk and Mason (I always make sure I get the name of the person checking me in) was very quick to greet me; he confirmed my two-night stay and gave me the room key. I managed to squeeze in that I hoped the room was the type I requested because I was a speaker at this conference and I needed it to be quiet so I could concentrate. He barely looked up at me but did manage to say that the hotel was completely sold out. I think they do this so that you will be gratified that you have a room at all.

So up I go on the elevator and then head my way to my room, number 1501. From the minute I got off the elevator I knew this wasn't going to go well. The room was directly next to the elevator and adjacent to that fabulous ice machine that sounds like a constant pile driver. With my hand firmly gripping my luggage, I opened the door and the room was size of a closet—no joke! You could stretch your arms out and touch both walls. By now I was frustrated, but I didn't know what to do. On the one hand, I had made a request ahead of time but it had been blatantly ignored. On the other hand, the hotel was sold out. Still, I could not stop thinking that since I'm a female and I stand a statuesque 5' 2” they thought this would be fine with me. My last thought was that they would never do this to a guy, and that pushed me over. Then I thought, “Wait a minute. I need to go down there and ask, the right way, for a better room.” You'd think the “ask” part would have come as my first thought, but sometimes frustration gets the better part of your clear thinking.

So I went back down to the reception area and stood in line again. I could have gone directly to Mason and pushed my way past people, but I thought that would be rude and they would have no idea why I was pushing my way to the front of the line. I finally got my turn with Mason at the desk and this is how it went:

Laura: Mason, I know you did your very best to get me a room while you are sold out and I so appreciate it. The room you gave is really, really small, by the elevator and ice machine, and I need a better room because I'm the keynote speaker at this conference and I've got to concentrate. Can we take a look at your room chart together and see what options we have to get me a better room?

Mason: Ms. Fredricks, I'm so sorry! Let me get the room chart and see what's available. It will be a long shot, but I will try to help you.

With that, Mason pulled out a laminated room layout chart. I was stunned. I thought he would dive into his computer, punch on a few keys, and say to me that all the rooms were filled. Instead he carefully looked it over and said that he had a room way at the end of the hallway that might work. I thought anything would be better than what I had, so I thanked him and took my new room key. I looked at the tiny billfold card that contained my new key and it had number 1536. I said to myself, “This will be good; at least I'm away from the elevator and the pile-driver ice machine.”

On coming off the elevator, I proceeded to walk down a long hall on the 15th floor until I came to room 1536. It was the last room on the floor, and I thought to myself “This could be great.” I opened the door, and there was a palatial room. It had a large sitting area with a couch and a modern desk, a bathroom with double sinks, and a view overlooking the River Walk in San Antonio. The bonus was that I could open my sliding glass door and walk out onto my very own private deck, complete with a table and six chairs. Sweet! I thought to myself, “This ask stuff really works.”

Later that afternoon I went out and got Mason a cappuccino and brought it directly to him at the reservation desk. I thanked him profusely for what he had done for me. He smiled and said it was his pleasure to help me and that he had done so “because I asked.”

I shared this story with you because The ASK does work when you need something that is important to you. I could have gone back to Mason the first go-around and screamed at him or pulled a fit when I got my closet room. You've seen people do this, and it is ugly and pointless. I told Mason the why—why I needed a room that was better than the one he gave me. This gets back to Chapter 4 and the three questions that come to answer before any ask: Why me? Why now? What will it do? I was a featured speaker at a very large conference, and it was a big deal that the room be quiet and comfortable. I needed it now, because if I had waited any longer, any possible available room would be gone. Once I got a good room, I would be able to concentrate and focus on delivering an amazing and engaging session that I hoped would empower the people in the audience to identify the type of asker they currently are and learn the traits they needed to adapt to become the asker they wanted to be. Don't ever settle for an inferior room. Your comfort matters most, so just ask for it!

The Spender versus the Saver

In the ideal world couples would share the same spending and saving habits. They would share information about their spending habits, income, savings, investments, debts, and most important what they do or want to do with their money. In reality, it rarely happens that couples are totally in sync with saving and spending habits. The worst part is that they rarely ask each other about it and instead just use their money in the ways that make them happy and secure. A recent Experian Credit Score Newlywed Survey Report 2016 showed that newlyweds spend on average $808 before sharing that information with each other.¹ Men spend $1,259 and women spend $383 before sharing these spending sprees with each other. When this happens it usually triggers the money blockers we discussed in Chapter 1 as well as the reasons why people don't ask in Chapter 3. Here is a perfect illustration of what can drive a damaging wedge between couples who don't ask each other about money when they need to get in sync with their views on money. We know from Chapter 1 that knowing your views on money and then sharing those views is the place to begin when you want to be money balanced.

Chung and Ava, both in their early 20's, met on Tinder. They hated dating apps, but their friends encouraged them to give it a try. After a few rocky dates, Chung was about to give the whole thing up when he swiped the app on his phone and met Ava—and she was stunning! They dated for a year, and Chung knew this was getting serious. They both had plans to attend graduate school and didn't know how their relationship would fit in with these plans. He wanted to be an attorney, and she wanted to be a physical and occupational therapist. While they were dating, Chung would propose doing modest things like local concerts, bicycle rides at the county park, dinner with friends and family, and a summer vacation at a beach house. Ava was totally fine with that and never asked or said that she wanted to do things that were more extravagant, such as going to see their relatives in China, vacationing in Paris, or eating in five-star restaurants.

He finally asked her to marry him and she said yes, but they had to talk about how this would fit in with their plans to attend graduate school. Chung said he would hold off with his plans to attend law school because he was doing very well as a paralegal in a medium-sized intellectual property law firm. Ava said she would keep her digital designer job until after they were married and then begin graduate school. Both agreed that they should save up their money so they could have the wedding of their dreams.

As they began to plan for their wedding, it was clear they had very different ideas of what a “wedding of their dreams” would be. Ava needed—and she used the word “needed”—to have 200 people, which would include all her relatives, friends, and business contacts. Chung had only 50 people, counting relatives, friends and business contacts and assumed Ava would have to be more selective as to who she would invite. To him, 250 people was way too many, and of course it would cost a fortune. After much back and forth, Chung found a way to make it happen with 250 people by cutting back on some of their original plans. Instead of having a formal dinner they would have an elaborate cocktail reception, and since they both just had a best man and a maid of honor in the wedding party, they eliminated the rehearsal dinner.

Four months later Ava was pregnant. While they were both thrilled to start a new family, Chung felt the pressure of now taking on a wedding, a new wife and a child, and Ava's graduate school. Chung was the youngest child in his family. When his mother died when he five years old, his father raised him to always make sure that his three sisters were taken care of. He had an ingrained care-taker sense that he as the man needed to take care of the women in his life, who were his sisters at that time. Now it was his obligation to take care of Ava. Since Ava was pregnant, she had told Chung that she no longer wanted to work until after the wedding and after the baby was born. She would go to graduate school part time after she had the baby. Relieved not to have a graduate school payment, Chung was still faced with one income not two, a wedding, and a new child.

To cover the new expenses Chung started working extra hours at the law firm. To save even more money, Ava moved into Chung's apartment so they could save on her rent. Since Ava was not working at the time, she did not feel the need to help Chung with the rent. To add more stress to Chung's finances Ava was buying things she “needed” for the baby and herself. Chung's resentment started to build, but instead of talking to Ava about the pressure he was feeling about money he kept it to himself. He justified that once the baby was born and Ava was strong enough to go back to work, everything would even out. Also Ava reminded Chung that since she was an only child, her family would naturally give them a very large wedding present and that should help with the finances in their first year of marriage and the new baby.

They had the wedding, and all 250 people came. Even though Ava's family knew that it would only be an extensive cocktail hour, not a dinner, they voiced their opinion several times that there was not enough food for the guests and they were embarrassed. Chung felt upset, because he was the one who suggested they change the wedding from a dinner to a cocktail reception. Towards the end of the evening, Ava's parents approached Chung and gave him a large rectangular beautifully wrapped box and said “Congratulations to the both of you, and Chung welcome to the family.” Chung put the present in a very special place because he knew it would be quite valuable.

The next day while they both were recovering from all the smiles, pictures, and dances, they began opening their wedding cards and presents. Chung told Ava that her parents had given them this present and she insisted that he open it. He opened the present and it contained a few gold necklaces, a bracelet, and a ring. Ava was thrilled because these were precious antique heirlooms handed down from her great-grandmother. Chung was stunned. He anticipated it would be cash. He closed the box and walked out of the room; the arguments began, and they were all about money. How were they to pay for everything on one salary? Why didn't she work longer? How could either one of them go to graduate school knowing they will be straddled with six-figure loans while starting a new family? How could they ever save for a house? Why weren't her parent's doing more to help?

This story could have had a much happier ending if both Chung and Ava had sat down and asked each other more questions instead of keeping it inside or making assumptions. On the surface, this story could be about two young people who should have had a few conversations to put them on the same page about their lives. But I chose the story to show you that are so many factors that go unaddressed every day. If we just applied some of our ask techniques it would enhance the quality of our lives tremendously. In just this one story there are deep-seated, value-laden issues:

• Dating: How is money spent when you first start dating, and does that change as the relationship progresses?
• Professional achievements: Are they fulfilled, postponed, or never realized?
• Expenses: Are they shared or put on one person during the relationship?
• Balance: Is it fair for one person to work and pay more of the bills while the other stays home?
• Salary: When one person has a larger salary, should that person pay more for everything?
• Shopping: Should couples agree on every purchase made during the relationship?
• Weddings: How do you ask someone to cut the guest list and scale back on the wedding plans?
• Parents: Is it right to expect that they will give the couple a fabulous monetary gift at the wedding, or would that make them feel dependent?
• Care-giving: Can a person find a middle ground and not jeopardize the relationship by an overly developed sense of responsibility?
• Expectations: Can you confuse optimism with expectations when you expect too much and get too little?

And did you think this was just a story with a couple that could not communicate? Unfortunately these hidden issues can and do sabotage our daily lives because they go unaddressed. So let's apply some of the ask techniques you now have at your fingertips and see how we can put The ASK into these everyday situations. Here are some of the things Chung and Ava could have asked each other at the right time before resentment and expectations created a wedge in their relationship:

Dating: “Ava, I love to do these fun and simple things with you. It gives us the time to spend with each other and do the things we both love. Is there anything you want to do that we are not doing?”

Professional achievements: “Chung, it is really important that both of us pursue our graduate education. We both need to work full time, and I don't want too many years to slip away before we can attend. Why don't we consider schools that have a strong online program to at least get us going?”

Expenses: “Ava, we need to talk about our living expenses. Right now we have bills for the rent, utilities, insurance, food, cell phones, and credit cards. Why don't we agree to split all the bills evenly except for our separate credit card bills that we use to buy things just for ourselves?”

Balance: “Chung, I'm feeling guilty that you have to pay for so many things while I am out of work. I thought a lot about it, and this is what I'd like to do. How about I make your life easier by shopping, cooking, cleaning, and preparing all our meals so that you don't have to worry about any of that?”

Salary: “Ava, I hope you don't mind but I've been thinking that it's not really fair for you to be paying for all the things that you do while I at this time have a higher-paying job. During our relationship I'm sure that we will be going back and forth with different jobs at different salaries. For now while I have this job, why don't I pay the car payments and the insurance?”

Shopping: “Ava, I can see how excited you are with the new baby and all the things we need. I'd like to be a part of the process when you buy things, because then I feel like we are doing this together. Can we agree that when it comes to buying things for the baby we sit down and decide together?”

Weddings: “Chung, I know that I have so many more people to invite to our wedding than you and I want to be fair to you and at the same time not disappoint my family, friends, and colleagues. I need your help here. What is the maximum amount of people we should have at our wedding?”

Parents: “Ava, I don't want your parents to think that they have to go out of their way and do something extravagant for us for the wedding. In fact, that would make me feel very uncomfortable. What can we say to them to let them know our feelings about this in a way that doesn't come off as presumptuous?”

Care-giving: “Chung, I know and you have shared how hard it is for you to let go when your instincts tell you to dive in and take care of someone. Honestly, I'm fine and the baby is fine. What would make me happiest is your focusing more on you. Can I help you in any way to do that, maybe in small steps?”

Expectations: “Ava, I know it's wrong of me to have expected that your parents were going to give us money for the wedding. Their gift is extremely thoughtful, and it means a great deal to you, which is most important. Just give me a little time to myself to deal with this, because I don't want to come off as ungrateful or just focused on money, OK?”

It just takes a little time and a little effort to see how your asks can explore each other's feelings and to resolve those personal and important decisions you have in all your relationships and your everyday life. In addition, this story not only highlights 10 very common areas that we deal with from time to time, it also puts the spotlight on everything we covered in Chapter 1, the importance of what money means to you and what money means to the person you are involved with. On the one hand, Chung has the overdeveloped sense of responsibility to work and save and watch every expense. Ava, on the other hand, seems as happy as possible staying at home, not working, not bringing in a salary, and spending money on the baby and herself. Chung's money blocker is that if he just hangs in until after the baby is born, everything will even out. That money blocker prevents him from addressing his resentment that he is working longer and harder and that he has to cut back wedding expenses because they can't afford the wedding of Ava and her parents' dreams.

This story brings to light that you have to get straight with your own views on money as well as the views of any other person that you are dealing with, especially if that person is someone you love. If you don't have those conversations and ask each other the right questions, one issue rolls into the next, and before you know it days, months, and even years go by with both of you making decisions that infuriate the other. The tips and suggested asks given throughout this book will provide you the freedom, guidance, and confidence to make sure you are in sync with your views on money, especially if they concern someone you care about deeply.