4

Activating Your Alter Ego

A Super Power for Performance

I am fearless in front of the stage, but a few days before an appearance, I am an emotional wreck. Lifelong programmed insecurities, limiting self-talk, and the traditional role I was taught to play in life—a quiet, pleasing girl—attempt their invasion into my mind. I have strategies, no doubt, to combat these forces: breathing, positive messages, and saying out loud into the mirror, like a good friend would, “Shake it off, Carol. You’ve got this!”

Every single time I walk onstage beneath the lights, in front of an audience of ambitious and intelligent people, a wave of calm and confidence pulls me into a zone. Later, in my dressing room, replaying and critiquing my performance, I berate myself, “What made you so worked up, Carol?” I say, as I stand in front of the mirror removing layers of makeup. “You always worry for no reason. Stop doubting yourself!”

And so goes the roller coaster of doubt and confidence—the climbs and dips of anxiety and exhilaration that make my stomach drop. It took a few years to figure out why I do this to myself: one minute, an emotional basket case with complete amnesia for how many times I’ve nailed an appearance, and the next minute, an activated, capable version of myself conquering the world.

As most things do, my insecurities date back to my upbringing as a young first-generation American, with a Caribbean accent that made me stand out in the classroom. Although I was raised in the United States, I grew up in a home speaking Patois, a common dialect with heavy French, British, Dutch, and Portuguese influences mixed with English. There were moments when I mixed up some common English words, such as mushrooms and onion (in Patois, jumbery and cive, respectively).

By the time I was a teenager, the thought of speaking in front of the class at school, or partaking in any task that involved speaking in public, caused a debilitating panic. The thought of the class laughing if I answered a question wrong, or mocking my Caribbean accent, prompted me to talk my way out of presenting. “People with social anxiety believe that social situations pose a danger,” according to David M. Clark and Adrian Wells’s cognitive behavioral model of social phobia as referenced in PsychologyTools.com. “They fear negative evaluation, believing in particular that they are in danger of behaving in an inept and unacceptable fashion, and that such behavior will have disastrous consequences in terms of loss of status, loss of worth, and rejection.”

In my former days in corporate America, it was clear that there was no way around public speaking, especially in the law firm world. Except, as Clark and Wells described, I was fighting against the danger of being “found out” and exposed as a lesser-than performer who would act differently and “disastrously” and sabotage my road to the C-suite. I was focused on refraining from mixing Patois and English at work to avoid the “Where are you from?” question, which made my anxiety tailspin.

The problem with being this purposeful about my speech was that at my early level there wasn’t an opportunity for scripted, carefully planned presentations that wowed the right people. The way to get noticed on the lower ladder rungs was to orate my ideas in an impromptu setting—with no scripts, no preparation, just speaking and adding the most value when I found the chance.

So I had a choice to make: stay scripted and silent or find a way to protect myself from my fear. I needed to create a layer—a shield—to guard myself against overthinking, or else these insecurities would pummel my career and my sanity. That’s when I discovered the alter ego, which some psychologists and researchers refer to as self-distancing. According to an article by David Robson published by BBC, titled “The Batman Effect: How Having an Alter Ego Empowers You,” self-distancing is when you create space from your feelings in the moment so you can allow yourself to view a situation less emotionally. “Self-distancing seems to enable people to reap these positive effects by leading them to focus on the bigger picture—it’s possible to see events as part of a broader plan rather than getting bogged down in immediate feelings,” says Robson.

Think of Yourself in the Third Person

We all have memories of performing in front of the mirror, pretending to be a superstar, invisible mic in hand, dance moves that would make Janet Jackson jealous. We didn’t know when we were 11 that we were trying on our alter ego: confident and badass after a day of being invisible in the schoolyard or picked last for manhunt. The alter ego you projected in the mirror is the same alter ego you need to bring to your career if you want to smash the glass and walk into the C-suite. It’s cloaking yourself in a layer of confidence to bring with you every day as you take your journey toward leadership.

This book is centered on combating passive communication that sabotages the C-suite sensibility. But really the first stop before utilizing language and fighting against passive reactions and phrases is to create and exude a mindset, body language, an alternative personality—and even wardrobe—that act as vessels and catalysts for powerful language. You won’t tell someone no firmly (and without explanation) if your head is held low and you are silently calling yourself a loser, or if you aren’t mirroring your industry’s image.

Enter your alter ego. She stands upright, she knows she is capable and valuable and talented, and she is ready to firmly and respectfully prove her doubters wrong. (And if you want to give her a cape, go ahead and do that, too!) According to a Forbes article, “Step Up to 2020 with an Alter Ego,” the third-person treatment provides separateness that reduces threat. “These personas allow people to take risks, then depersonalize encounters.”

When we adopt an alter ego, it changes our posture, allows us to make more eye contact, and even helps us become more animated in our presentation style in public settings. Honestly, it is a game changer, and many high-power leaders are aware of the impact of posture and positioning and its effect on commanding attention as a leader.

I’ve hosted numerous events with high-level women who struggle with some of the same issues I have—and then some. This is especially true if you are a woman of color, an older woman, or an immigrant woman. The constant need to reassure yourself that you belong in the room is a feeling that doesn’t go away on its own. One way to overcome some of your own self-biases is to create and build an alter ego that allows you to be the kind of leader you want to be while guarding your insecurities. I think we can agree that we are all working to improve ourselves while in a constant battle to unlearn specific behaviors from our past. We all have some level of trauma, and it takes time to work through it, but the C-suite is not going to wait for you to get it together. The journey requires you to articulate clearly and have a level of confidence—and for many women, for the reasons just stated, this is only possible when they induce an out-of-body experience.

When I adopted the alter ego, my goal was (and still is) to influence decision makers to focus on what I offer instead of “what I am.” The further up you move on the leadership ladder, the questions become tougher, the conversations more engaged, and the network has higher stakes. The same personality that helped you land your first job when you were 18 will not be the same one needed in your thirties, forties, or beyond. Your level of expression must change, and it requires you to articulate your value on the spot. That leaves little room and time for doubt and inferiority complexes. Real leaders are problem solvers, and you never know the level of difficulty or importance of your next problem. You will be tested, and some situations will require you to be under a microscope. Criticisms will feel like attacks; some of them will be. They are not personal, but designed to test if you know how to solve big problems—and whether you remain unwavering under the knowledge of who you are.

Although I talk, teach, research, and write about confidence in women leaders, some self-sabotaging habits are almost impossible to break. The habit of worry and the consistent replay of negative scenarios in your mind is difficult to unlearn, especially if you couple it with the story that you tell yourself. I call this habit the “that will never happen for me” mindset, where you invest in the belief that the journey to the C-suite is one of luck, rather than skill and communication. Whether you’re blaming your race, gender, sexuality, or socioeconomic demographic—there’s always some level of learned behavior that prevents you from entering rooms and taking risks. Besides, women are naturally risk averse, and it is a primary reason why we tend to lean toward women-centric professions (which I will talk about in the next chapter), instead of taking risks in male-dominated industries or high-growth businesses.

If you have a difficult time breaking free of the habit of worry, it will be impossible for you to gain the courage to go to the C-suite if you don’t adopt some level of superficial protection to guard yourself against potential harm, especially if you are a sensitive person. Most of us do not like to admit it, we publicize our fears, as we have not found a way to separate the person from the persona that will yield positive results in the C-suite. The rest of this chapter acts as your proverbial phone booth, in which you will learn to transform yourself from woman to superwoman.

Living the Double Life

Kobe Bryant had Black Mamba and Dwayne Johnson has The Rock. LeBron James, Michael Jordan, Sia, Adele, and Pink all have alter egos. Beyoncé calls hers Sasha Fierce, and believe me, if you have ever been to a live performance, you can see the intensity that Sasha Fierce brings to the show. At the end of the show, Sasha Fierce waves goodbye and Beyoncé humbly appears for a moment and cries.

What’s your alter ego? For the regular everyday person, I describe an alter ego as playing a role, adopting a persona, slipping into character, or simply changing your mindset in the moment. For some women, every time they see an opportunity they think they are suited for, a level of debilitating insecurity shows up to talk them out of it. Having an alter ego will place you in the type of rooms you’ve only dreamed of.

Creating an alter ego allows you to separate yourself personally from any level of judgment or fear. Imagine having the courage to say what you need to say at the moment it needs to be said, and with clarity. That is something that might be the job for your alter ego. I have also heard some celebrities refer to this concept as their manufactured identity. Their level of greatness can only be displayed when they do not feel the direct impact of criticism and judgment, and they are rewarded for their level of confidence. There are many ways to tap into your confident persona: from theme music to meditation to striking a pose—whichever way works for you, find a way to get in your zone. I access my alter ego by listening to motivational clips on YouTube before each appearance. It helps me clear out the noise in my mind and focus on the goal ahead.

In 2015, I gave a talk at an event in Rochester, New York, before an audience of about 7,000 people. The room was dark, as the entire event was recorded for future use in one of the sponsor’s courses; the speakers could only hear the audience, not see them. On the morning of the event, the event coordinator came into the greenroom to share that they were having technical difficulties with their green screens that had our presentation slides uploaded. I was not worried at all. However, the speaker ahead of me had a panic attack. She kept going back and forth to the sound engineer, asking, “How long until you find out when the green screen will be back? I can’t do this talk without slides.” All I could hear from my dressing room was, “We’re working on it ma’am, we’re working on it.” The moment the glitch was fixed, she was relieved. My alter ego had already arrived, and she made the difference between me slipping into self-sabotaging fear and remaining poised and ready to go.

When the announcer called the first speaker’s name, she went to the stage with her clicker in hand and began her speech. I watched from the greenroom, but things quickly turned the moment she made the first click. The green screen was not working again. In front of 7,000 people, she had a meltdown, screaming at the technicians in the back of the room, “My f****ing slides are not working!” You could hear the techs scrambling to try to figure out how to fix the issue once again. By then, her energy was completely off, and she was no longer engaging with the crowd. She was flustered and nervously laughing while publicly humiliating the technicians, reminding the audience, “This is not my fault. The technicians need to do a better job for you guys.” I had to follow that act and would need to change the energy of the crowd to make them forget about her presentation and her candor. No pressure.

She continued with this flustered and disjointed presentation while continuing to discredit the technicians who were feverishly trying to bring back the green screen. They just could not make it happen no matter what they tried. Welcome to the world of technology, where things fail at a moment’s notice and you have to be ready to perform regardless of whether the lighting is bad, the microphone goes out, the slides are not uploaded, or you have a stain on your dress. After another 15 minutes of rambling, cursing, and blaming, the speaker simply walked off the stage and burst into the greenroom. The event coordinators followed and tried their best to apologize for the technical snafu.

I made my way up the stairs toward the stage, knowing that my job was a little bit more than my signature talk about confidence and women. I also had to bring back the trust of 7,000 people. I needed to feel their energy to win back their attention. I got on the stage, engaged them, made them laugh, and changed the mood for the rest of the day. Because the technicians still could not figure out how to get the green screens to reappear, I had to do my speech without any slides, but it didn’t matter. I was ready.

After a heated exchange, the angry presenter and the coordinators rerecorded her session without an audience. I watched a completely different person who was calm, put together, and completely in her element. I thought, If she could’ve tapped into her alter ego, this would have been smooth. All that the audience would remember of this presenter was her poor demeanor under pressure.

Leadership does not give second chances. If that presentation was in a boardroom with decision makers, it would have been an immediate dismissal of any consideration to reach the C-suite. When you do not distance yourself from the learned behaviors of the past that feed your insecurities, you project onto an audience of strangers a person who is emotional and passively reacting to her fear. Alter egos are designed with these unexpected disasters in mind. They help you separate from the problem and act dispassionately. That is a sign of a leader worthy of the C-suite.

Benefits of an Alter Ego

Four Steps to Create Your Alter Ego

I discovered the importance of the alter ego when I made the transition from corporate America to founding my own company. Many of the stories and labels I grew up with stuck with me in adulthood. As I began to shape my career and my future as a business leader, I had to consistently unlearn the labels that I was praised for wearing as a child. Unlearning a lifelong pattern of self-limiting beliefs is much harder than learning to appreciate your gifts and talents. Some of my unlearning was cultural, racial, spiritual, with a focus on ending heteronormative beliefs and stereotypes. I was conditioned to think that a woman’s place was not to dream of becoming a high-powered business leader, but rather to become the assistant to the CEO. I had to consistently fight to unlearn these myths so that I could become the person I knew I could be. (We will deep dive into women stereotypes in the next chapter.)

The journey of transitioning from corporate America, with all of its safeties and perks, to building a company that advocates for women leaders in primarily male-dominated professions was not easy. Although I have worked my way to the C-suite to secure meetings with several high-power leaders, most of those meetings came as a result of speaking on prestigious stages across the world. The social proof and consistent follow-up to phone calls and emails are important; however, the most effective way to make connections with decision makers is to be in front of a room so you can highlight your value in the least amount of time. Many people ask me what it takes to be a successful speaker. What they don’t realize is that vetting new business opportunities, my partnerships and collaborations, as well as creating value for reputable companies, came as a result of my alter ego. Without it, I couldn’t successfully communicate my talents on stage. Now that you see how the alter ego has worked for me, here are the four steps to building your persona.

Step 1: Know Your Goals

When I started my business, I knew I wanted to work with high-achieving women, so the goal was to be in the presence of large groups and engage as consistently as possible. The next step was to get in front of women around the world. Speaking and networking have helped me to build my company much faster than those who are focused on logos and posting online. It’s great to have a social media manager, but it’s even better when you can make 50 major appearances every year, including some big media outlets, and get the same effect. My alter ego knows when to turn on and off, and it’s well aware of the goal.

Set your goals early. Determine where you want to be in your career next year, then create an interaction plan to get there. An interaction plan is a list of people you need to begin connecting with, but with your alter ego present. It is your moment to shine and brag about yourself and your skills, which will help generate referrals and introductions that are in direct alignment with your goal. Last, ask someone you trust to hold you accountable while celebrating your milestones along the way.

Social media can be quite effective in its ability to reach more of your ideal connections worldwide, but it became evident to me that many of the women who were in my target audience were not engaging on a consistent level with social media. I have learned that most people in the C-suite are watching you, but they will never interact with you. I’m guilty of being one of those non-interactors. It’s not that I have a persona on social media; rather I’m very cautious about “liking” or “sharing” people’s status or commenting because my ideal audience is following. So to avoid one of my ideal clients following my 90-year-old uncle, who sometimes says a few inappropriate things on Twitter and Facebook, I often respond to him offline, rather than allow my brand to highlight our relationship in public.

Step 2: Mirror the Image

When you come from the world of law firms, you become accustomed to wearing dark colors such as navy blue, gray, black, and maroon. It is acceptable to be completely covered and as muted as possible. I have not met a lawyer to date who doesn’t have at least 10 dark-colored suits in their wardrobe. When I entered the world of business, I was exposed to women who wore bright colors; after so many years of playing down my wardrobe, my new connections seemed almost flamboyant to me. I had to look the part though. My alter ego took me shopping so I could mirror the new audience I was engaging with. I invested in dresses and bright-colored suits; the demand for my business has never been the same.

There is an image component to your alter ego. While changing your appearance will not shift your confidence, doing so does relate to your alter ego. Think to yourself, Who do you want to look like? Who do you admire? Who’s your ideal example of a confident woman? Who exemplifies where you want to be in the next stage of your career or business? Start looking at these people’s appearance, considering the simplest of things like their nails, hair, or even the way they walk. Your alter ego has to exude a level of confidence that is unquestionable. To attract your ideal leadership opportunity, you have to look the part, not just have a great résumé. People invest in confidence, not just qualifications. You want them to believe in you, and see you, because visibility is a leading component in the C-suite. If they can’t see you, they won’t value you.

Step 3: Build the Personality Profile

I’m well-known for being a bit stern, but a very forward-thinking straight shooter. I wanted to be taken seriously from the time I started transitioning on this path, and I also wanted to avoid feeling like I was just another woman trying to break into real estate. I wanted to be taken seriously and be invited into rooms where high-powered mergers and acquisitions were taking place. The only way that is possible, especially when you don’t have the background for the seat that you want to sit in, is to create the personality that accompanies your alter ego.

I read several books on mergers and acquisitions, shadowed some of the best mentors in the business, and leveled up my skills so that I would be prepared when it was time to finally take my rightful seat at the table. Even when I didn’t understand the language, I created a personality that helped me bridge the gap between verbiage and relationships, which subsequently helped me understand the industry much better and therefore broker several introductions.

Even if you have to fake it until you make it, you need to adopt a personality profile for your alter ego that mirrors where you want to be. If you want to be considered for executive-level opportunities, you need to learn how to speak like an executive now, so you can insert yourself in conversations that need the qualifications only you offer. Think about how you want people to talk about you when you leave the room.

Consider the residual impact you will have when you communicate with specific decision makers and gatekeepers. Also, in creating your personality trait, think about the lasting impact you will leave on the people that you are going to lead. The one thing I have learned since building my company is that the same alter ego may not work with the team that you will be leading. As a leader, you’re going to have another personality trait for your future employees or team. What do you want your team to say about you when you’re not in the room? Are you easy to work with but firm in your expectations? Are you someone who communicates orders effectively and clearly? Are you someone they can trust? The C-suite is about managing duality between the decision makers with whom you need to communicate and the team with which you need to build trust to get the job done.

Step 4: Walk the Walk

I’m not ashamed to admit that even when I didn’t know, I pretended. Building a company is hard work, especially if you don’t have access to specific relationships that help you grow. One thing I have learned over the last decade as a business leader is that everything is tied to relationships. The impression that you leave with one person becomes the introduction that person helps to navigate for growth in your career. You are only a few handshakes away from an opportunity that will change your life forever, but you have to walk the walk.

Even if you feel that your alter ego is not ready, communicating with any level of confidence will require you to walk the walk. You have to muster up the courage to separate yourself and empower your alter ego to do the work for you even if you don’t feel that you are at your highest level. It is important to separate the two to mask your insecurities and to highlight your best attributes.

I have my days when I’m not there. In my real life, I’m an introvert and also quite moody. There are days I don’t want to interact with anyone, much less smile or pretend to be friendly when that’s not how I’m feeling. But I always remember that my purpose for building The Confidence Factor for Women is to support women every day. When your purpose is bigger than your pain or struggles, you walk differently. When I make the decision to take myself out of the equation, put on my best dress, remember why I’m doing this, and show up, I can separate my feelings from my life’s work—then I walk the walk. There have been so many times when I struggled just to turn the camera on and post videos on social media, but I know there’s someone out there who needs to hear an encouraging word during such a restless time in the world. So no matter what, your journey to the C-suite will require you to put your emotions aside, get dressed, think about the impact you want to leave with others, and start walking.

Before I developed my alter ego, I would say things like, “I can’t start a business. No bank will ever lend me money because I’m a Black woman.” I never even tried to approach a bank because I already had my mind made up that it would never invest in my vision. It is easy to become victimized by your own beliefs, especially if you do not go and confront them. Those without an alter ego live in a world filled with hearsay evidence to substantiate all of the risks they refused to take. Once I discovered how to build a shield to protect my personal feelings from my business persona, everything changed. All of the stereotypes in the world can’t touch me now.