6

Communicating in a Crisis

The Difference Between Reaction and Response

My gray 1988 Honda Accord was parked at the corner of my block, when at around 2 a.m., its alarm sounded off. A man had slammed his car into my precious automobile, the only thing I owned, a source of autonomous pride in my fledgling adulthood. I was still living with my grandparents, but that Honda reminded me I was on my way. My grandmother, startled by the noise as well, stood by the window and watched as I ran down to the street leading a commotion of nosy, sleepy neighbors gathering around the scene of the accident.

I asked the driver of the car to hand me his insurance and registration, but he refused to respond to my request. Channeling my inner traffic cop, I requested again and again, “license and registration,” and each time he refused, I became angrier. I finally bellowed, “Hand me your f****ng license and registration now!”

My grandmother clutched the windowsill, called me to the door, and with her proper English accent said, “Carol Callender, you must immediately walk up to the gentleman and apologize for your vile language. Mrs. Pierce, Mrs. Paul, and Mr. Anderson are all watching, and your language was highly inappropriate. After you apologize to him, walk up to all of their windows and apologize for your behavior.”

There was no dispute with my grandmother; I followed her instructions. When the police arrived, I realized that the gentleman was not speaking because he was scared. I hadn’t considered his fear. Instead his silence had spun me into an emotional state, causing me to react to what I perceived as lack of concern or responsibility. My perception had clouded my response, and I had reacted hastily.

Although at the time I did not agree with my grandmother’s approach, because her motive was to save face and adhere to her cultural practice of respect for our elders, she was right. Besides, she was not a reactive person. My grandmother communicated in a carefully crafted and thought-out way. She used to take days to write carefully drafted letters that read more like novels to her sisters abroad. She included so much depth and description of her everyday experiences so her sisters could feel like they were living with her. In no way was my grandmother a confrontational person, and she consistently tried to show us the importance of avoiding reaction to every situation. It’s the reason why I never had any fights in high school and avoided most of the conflicts that some of the kids in our community got into.

Today, as a leader, I have learned the negative consequences of reacting to situations hastily. I’ve also learned that there is a major difference between reaction and response. Many times I have to walk away from social media to avoid reacting to a negative comment on Twitter or a negative critique of one of my videos on TikTok. I do my best to avoid engaging in highly emotional, and often adversarial, conversations that can potentially harm my career. It takes years of discipline to identify why instead of taking a moment to breathe and carefully respond in a manner that can highlight our growth and leadership abilities, we take the low road of emotional reaction. I also believe that age and maturity are predominant factors in avoiding reactive responses. The older I become, the less conflict I need in my life, so I choose which conversations I will react to and which I will respond to.

The Emotional Element of Communication

According to Kendra Cherry in an article titled “Emotions and Types of Emotional Responses,” published by VeryWellMind.com, an emotion is a complex state that involves three distinct components: a subjective experience, a physiological response, and a behavioral or expressive response. Understanding emotion in this way has helped me see more clearly the escalating stages of my emotions when faced with challenging moments.

A subjective experience is the most personal of the three components. It suggests that there is no universal emotion for universal situations, such as death, nervousness, or fear. Everyone experiences each situation in a unique way, and subjective personal factors will impact each one’s emotional response. This is why some people in a situation after a heated meeting might behave very differently.

A physiological response is where we get our “fight or flight” reactions to emotions such as fear or danger. The physiological response varies, but the most common are trembling, sweat, screaming, or even running. You might have experienced the feeling of lightheadedness or literally a heated head after the president of the company announces no bonuses for the year or a round of layoffs to come.

The behavioral response is the one most common in the workplace, where we express our emotions and interpret cues from others, such as colleagues and friends. Our response is based on their behavior. It can also affect our body language and communication style and clarity.

Emotions can impact your mood at work and you may feel:

•   Short-tempered

•   Stressed

•   Limited concentration

•   Inability to focus

•   Unable to clearly express your thoughts

•   Joy

•   Fear

•   Happiness

Discerning between a reaction and a response is based on emotion. Emotional communicators allow external factors to impact their mood, performance, and communication style. Throughout the next few pages you’ll discover which communication style you display at work and understand the significance of how you respond to your colleagues, gatekeepers, and clients. Keep in mind that as women, we are naturally more emotional than our male colleagues; however, it can impact our productivity and performance.

High-level leaders are aware of the power of an effective response and have practiced avoiding reaction. Many leaders go as far as retaining crisis managers to respond to criticism or any inappropriate reactions that could impact their role. Most of us must act as our own crisis management teams, remaining in control of how others perceive our value. We must have agency over our communication style and move from reactive to responsive.

Reactive Communication

Have you ever been in a store or stopped through a fast-food restaurant to pick up a quick drink and felt negative energy from the clerk? And their energy causes you to change your energy? Subsequently, instead of maintaining your pleasant demeanor, you react negatively, and then the experience changes. In the world of customer service, I’ve always believed that some of the negative comments and reviews on websites such as Yelp are only a result of reactive communication, firing off a comment in the moment without any processing, just pure emotion, with motives based on something negative like revenge, righteous indignation, or an ego bruise. As the old saying goes, two wrongs don’t make it right. But I admit I have been guilty of falling into the same trap, especially when I was in my twenties. If people looked at me the wrong way, I would look at them the wrong way. This roller coaster of reactive communication, in both verbal and nonverbal forms, can negatively impact your professional candor. It doesn’t matter who changed your demeanor, you will always be seen as the antagonist. Sometimes, reactive communication could be the result of getting to the office late due to heavy traffic, your personal life, or maybe that’s just who you are—either way, negativity does not work at work.

When I think back to the beginning of the popularity of social media, I made some major mistakes by overpersonalizing my responses to negative feedback. For many years, I avoided placing a profile picture on Facebook and Twitter because I had issues with body dysmorphia, and I was quite concerned about being the face of my own company. It took two to three years for me to get over my angst over my appearance. Before I became the face of my company, I had been comfortable and accustomed to the anonymity an office provides; suddenly out on my own, I became highly critical of my appearance and it took a toll on my emotions. With the popularity of social media driving the necessity to have an internet presence for my company to gain social validation for growth, I had to work on my self-confidence issues and take a risk.

The day that I removed the veil of random stock pictures of cute animals from my profile on both platforms, I left myself susceptible to immediate criticism—the same criticism I was working so hard to avoid became the criticism I had to read in the threads. Some people were shocked that I was Black, and others were surprised that I was a full-sized woman. The comments varied, but for some reason, I only focused on the negative reactions. I fed into their negativity and reacted impulsively and immaturely. Some people called me chunky and freckled-faced, to which I fired off, “and so is your mother!” I made a few other comments that I am not proud of, but I was reacting—perhaps overreacting. My motivation was to make my aggressors feel the same hurt and low self-esteem that I felt when I read their comments. And the more they continued to react, the worse it became for me. I was defensive, and I wanted to inflict the same pain that was done to me, with no regard for my brand or what I wanted my company to stand for.

Meanwhile, I ignored all of the gracious compliments from people who were in full support of finally viewing the face behind the name. If there were 500 comments, I spent most of my time responding to the 40 negative messages, instead of remaining thankful and mindfully responding to the 460 positive comments.

Once I accepted that success is always accompanied by harsh and unsolicited criticism, I learned how to ignore the negativity that social media invites. Today, when I write articles for various magazines, sometimes my Twitter feed is filled with hate-filled reactions to my opinions; nevertheless, I do not react, because I know the never-ending sinkhole it will suck me into. Practically speaking, reacting to everything takes up time, unproductive time that you can never reclaim. It feels validating in the moment to “get someone back” or to defend and guard yourself against negative feedback, but the time that you spend trying to find the best comeback line or statistic to back you up can be better spent with silence and contemplation to determine why you are so bothered in the first place. This is how we grow, not by resorting to “yo mama” jokes.

Although reactive people may look strong, dominant, and confident, they are acting quite passively. For example, when I reacted to some of my social media critics by stating “and so is your mother,” I wanted the aggressor to feel my emotional pain, instead of taking the high road and ignoring the comment or responding with a positive statement. It is a passive approach that can be perceived as immature, instead of professional. Reactive responses and communication are emotional character flaws we all have that are predicated on an external trigger. In your career or business, it is seen as a sign of weakness and shortsightedness. When you react to something, you are simply seeking a reaction. Also, there is nothing to gain from a reactive response. The best example is road rage—there are few winners in a road rage war, just expletives and hand gestures. Some people just want a reaction out of you. In the office, reactive people believe that this personality type is an effective way to communicate their strengths. But decision makers are well aware of the negative impact reactivity can have on the success of the company. They know the difference between a reaction and a response:

A few members of my husband’s family are in the retail business, and they have to monitor their employees to ensure they don’t communicate reactively to tough customers. A few years ago, they had one employee, whom we’ll call “Bob,” who was in charge of the morning openings. In retail, sometimes you have angry customers who say inappropriate things to the cashier or manager. But it’s the job of the clerk to mitigate the mood, not exasperate it. However, Bob was feeding into the negativity of some of the customers, and the owners started losing revenue. My in-laws installed cameras behind the register to find out how Bob was engaging with some of their regular patrons—and they were shocked by his aggressive and reactive tone. They had to dismiss Bob and rebuild their loyal customer base to keep the store in business.

The most common situations that elicit a reactive response in the workplace are:

•   Pressure from supervisors or managers about deadlines

•   Interactions with difficult people in the office

•   Anxiety or nervousness

•   Disappointments, setbacks, humiliation, and discouragement

•   Working in a hostile environment

•   Being overworked and underappreciated

•   Adverse interactions with other team members

•   Feeling ostracized or alienated from the team

•   Personal issues

•   Financial stress

Your career will always be a series of interactions and engagements with people, and there’s no way around it. A reactive person responds negatively to people, while creating friction. Answering emotionally, angrily, or petulantly (walking off during a conversation, speaking loudly, becoming animated during a conversation), are signs of reaction in professional correspondence. You cannot escape the chain of people who are connected to your success in the C-suite; learning to accept what you cannot control and responding in ways that illustrate that you are in control of yourself and what needs to happen moving forward is a distinct attribute of leaders. As I shared with you in an early chapter about the importance of developing an alter ego, it is easy to combat all of your reactions by creating a layer of defense between who you are and your character at work. It will also help you fight the natural adrenalized urge to react to specific
situations.

Reactiveness is an immature emotional response. For example, if toddlers ask for a toy they want in a store, and the parent refuses, some children may throw a temper tantrum. Public temper tantrums can be quite an ordeal for any parent—from children stomping on the floor to screaming at the top of their lungs, they take an emotional toll on the parent. Also, the parent is worried about how their child’s behavior looks to others. My son did this in the supermarket once when he was three years old, and I will never forget the embarrassment as he screamed, “Mommy, I want my Lightning McQueen, Mommy, I want my Lightning McQueen now!” as he demanded a toy at the top of the freezer aisle, which happened to match a toy he had in his room. It is hard to punish a child for a temper tantrum because their behavior reflects an emotional connection to something. It is the same thing with being reactive. Decision makers recognize that you are emotionally connected with a specific outcome, and your reactiveness is a reflection of your impatience. But if you have no self discipline in how you communicate, your professional journey is on the line. Although many people view this level of defensiveness and sometimes aggression to be positive, once you are deemed difficult to work with, it will work against you.

Keep in mind:

•   The reaction is impulsive and emotional

•   Reactiveness is not factually based; it is based on assumptions and feelings that arise out of fear

•   The reaction is a defense mechanism against something

•   You risk being deemed difficult to work with and ostracized from high-level opportunities

•   A reaction does not take into account why the person is engaging with you in that way (Like when my precious Honda was slammed into, and I didn’t care or consider that the man was scared over what he’d done.)

How to Become Less Reactive

Recognize your triggers. Reactive communicators must be aware of their triggers. Whether it’s a person whom you may feel is abrasive or personal issues in your life, it is important to document everything that causes you to react impulsively.

Make a plan. Next, create a plan to minimize or avoid the trigger, while practicing effective responses, which I will cover in the next section. Once you create a guided template to navigate specific verbal or nonverbal interactions, you will build a new, less defensive rapport with your colleagues.

Pause before responding. It’s best for you and your career to take as much time as you need before reacting to any scenario. You can always feel your anxiety approaching. For example, let’s say your trigger is your team leader, whose email each morning with a list of demands immediately changes your mood. Take a moment to breathe.

The moment you begin to respond to the email, you will press the backspace tab to retract all of your emotionally personalized replies. Instead, respond with a brief affirmative tone to avoid subsequent follow-up correspondence.

For example, a nonreactive reply is:

The report will be forwarded before the end of the day. Thank you.

The opening line of a response to a request or email from someone you view as assertive or aggressive is important. Avoid opening lines such as:

• Per my last email

• As I stated earlier

• Kindly refer to . . .

Such statements are aggressive communication starters because the recipient can perceive their tone as patronizing, passive-aggressive, or insubordinate (which we covered in Chapter 2). When it comes to decision makers, whether we like it or not, it matters how they perceive and receive our messages.

Think long term. Where do you want to be in your professional career in 5 or 10 years? Keep in mind, you must communicate your way to the top. Reactive communicators are short-term thinkers who may not be thinking of a career. However, ambitious thinkers know the value of relationships, even with difficult people.

You can’t run from difficult people, but you are in control of your energy and how you respond to others in the workplace. Avoid adversarial encounters that could activate your defensive trigger. Always think about the long-term impact on your career—one reaction could change everything.

Start Responding!

I was recently invited to a discussion with Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and cofounder of Lean In. It was based on a joint report, The State of Black Women in Corporate America, published by Lean In and McKinsey & Company, on improving workplace policies to focus on the advancement of Black women. I was honored to be a part of the discussion for an op-ed I was drafting for Inc. magazine. While it was the first time Sheryl and I discussed diversity on a deep level, this was my second time connecting
with her.

Sheryl possesses such passion and care regarding the topic of advancing women to the C-suite. In a moment of excitement, I shared a snippet of the interview with a journalist group on Facebook. I was beaming, because not only did I have a private interview with Sheryl, but I received an advance copy of the report before its release, which allowed me to create additional content from the statistics.

I posted the link to the interview in the Facebook group, which was filled with mature, accomplished writers; I expected a few negative antics, but nothing major. One gentleman responded to my post in record time. Below is a transcript of our exchange:

My post:

I was honored to have a moment today to sit and chat with Sheryl Sandberg about how to create inclusive policies for Black women.

This is only a preview of our conversation. Stay tuned. Tomorrow, it will be the first story in Inc. magazine titled, “The State of Black Women in Corporate America.”

His reply:

Great! How about asking her what she’s doing to combat misinformation on FB in time for the election? She’s indirectly hurting people of color by FBs indifference.

My reply:

You are more than welcome to contact her office for an interview to get all of the answers to your questions. That was not the purpose of mine.

His reply:

I hear you and I appreciate that. I don’t expect to minimize your joy and getting Sheryl Sandberg’s attention on your work and I applaud you for your efforts. I just believe Sheryl is another leader we fanboy or fangirl over because of how she has made it and learned it when in reality she’s made millions if not billions in systems that she doesn’t want to take responsibility for.

My response:

Thank you for remembering not to minimize my joy, I am appreciative. I don’t believe in fanning anyone as I have been fortunate to sit with world leaders far more successful than her. I had a specific agenda and specifically targeted questions based on a joint report with McKinsey & Company. There is a time and place for politics, which is not why I sought this interview for my content and column.

His reply:

You’re amazing Carol. I didn’t mean to minimize your efforts. We need people like you and hey I also coach at companies that are problematic. I may not be a fan of them but I am a fan of you. Please keep up the great work.

It took an army of strength to take the high road in this conversation and avoid the emotional reaction, where I wanted to tell him which rock he could go under. A clear response to the post was necessary, but I also needed to reflect a high level of professionalism, as I was aware of the amount of attention this post would receive. The moderator of the group praised the interaction as he stated, “It could have gone another way, but you both found common ground.”

This is a classic example of someone diminishing the progress of another in return for attention—and from someone who has extreme views on issues yet is unable to confront them in a proper context. It happens frequently, and if you are vulnerable to public critique, responding too fast may result in a personal or emotional reaction, which is exactly what this critic expected. Hence, as I was highlighting the issue of equality for women, he attempted to use this moment to deflect to politics. By taking a moment to refrain from taking the bait, I was able to think carefully about my response.

The following is a breakdown of how I thought through my response process:

You are more than welcome to contact her office for an interview to get all of the answers to your questions. That was not the purpose of mine.

I needed a few hours to avoid reacting to his post and to make this line as short, clear, and direct as possible. I wanted to be clear that the purpose of my interview was not germane to his anger with Facebook’s policies. Also, I wanted to be clear that my interview was in direct alignment with my business, therefore, I was not the best person to answer his concerns about Facebook’s policies, but there was an open-door policy for him to request an interview.

There is a time and place for politics, which is not why I sought this interview for my content and column.

In this part of the third response, which also took several hours to reply to, I directed his attention to my UVP (unique value proposition). My column specializes in women in the workplace, which was highlighted in my description of the post. However, the responder continued to use his time to create an attack over a broader narrative, which was unrelated to the interview. Although he may or may not have a valid issue, I wanted to ensure he engaged his anger toward the institution of the platform, rather than using my achievement as a pawn.

The key to a clear response, rather than a reaction, is to remain germane to your position. This is the primary reason the responder was forced to subliminally apologize for his assertions in his response because it was not in direct relation to my interview and his attempt at publicly positioning an issue that was irrelevant to the interview was quickly grounded.

More importantly, the response to this post, and yes, it is still up on FB, was an attempt to distract, defer, and discredit my work in public. It was reaction bait, and he thought it would anger me enough to be rewarded with a personal attack. It is a disturbing trend that intentionally rewards people for negativity and public disgrace, and it is something you must prepare for as you ascend to the C-suite.

Four Steps to Respond Effectively

Step 1: Don’t rush. Timing can be the fine line between a reaction and a response. If you respond in haste, it may be from an emotional place and will be conveyed as a reaction. Clear and effective communication is nonemotional and based on evidence, not assumptions. When you take the time to carefully craft a response to an inquiry or request, the time allows you to set your personal feelings aside and focus on the result.

Whether it takes you an hour or one day to respond, think it through. Sometimes, a brief response takes the most time, so that you have the time to process the request. Use the time to redact all emotional language and ensure your response highlights your professional candor.

Step 2: Remain germane. Reactive communicators can get off-topic to make the other party feel the impact of their emotion. If the inquiry is about today’s sales report, avoid reacting with a historical overview of what you’ve done for the company over the past five years. Only discuss the sales report.

Decision makers and gatekeepers are always seeking direct answers, not an overview of performance or dedication. Those issues will be covered another time. Besides, some of your emotional triggers may surface and turn the conversation from a response to a reaction.

Step 3: Avoid passiveness. As I highlighted in my conversation with a fellow writer on Facebook, I was direct in my responses. Instead of apologizing, minimizing, or allowing his deflection to impact my tone, while he was discussing politics, I responded to his reaction with a direct tone about the purpose of the interview, which is why I believe he changed his tone.

Never fight a reaction with a reaction, or you will go off-topic and lose control of your ability to lead the conversation. A reactive tone is passive because it is emotional and often done in haste. A response is purposeful and well crafted.

Step 4: Learn to use silence. Silence can also be the best response, or the only response needed. Silence can have several different interpretations within the communication spectrum. On one hand, it can imply that you don’t care. On the other hand, it can also imply that whatever you’re faced with is not worth a reply. No matter how you choose to use silence, this is a powerful gift, though only a select few use it well, as the next section explains.

Play Chess: The Gift of Silence

It takes a specific level of maturity to avoid falling into the reaction trap. Sometimes I think that people intentionally want to make you upset and see how combative you can be, instead of diffusing the tension. The workplace happens to be one of those places where there may be a heightened sense of tension and a competitive bitterness that is hard to break free from, especially when you have no idea who you are competing against. Getting to the top, or at least getting an invitation for an available seat at the table, has always felt like a complex game of checkers. How many people can be removed from the board to make your way to the top? I know you are reading this and thinking about the level of stress that you feel every day, and I have been through that walk and understand the pressure very well. But experience has taught me that the game of leadership is about letting competitive people play checkers, while collaborative people play chess, silently.

I reference chess many times because it is a game of pure strategy. The game is also about mastering the timing of the moves that will help you get as close to checkmate as possible. It is also designed for those who are willing to be patient, while thinking through their next move. Strategy is the only way to win a chess game, as your opponent cannot predict your next move. The goal of an effective chess game is to remain still as long as possible while thinking through every scenario that could impact your side of the board instead of moving in haste. It is the same strategy that will guide your communication style moving toward the C-suite.

When people know they cannot get a reaction out of you, they leave you alone. They know that you are a force of strength and very few things can impact your determination. It has been the winning strategy of my life, and I also believe that is why so many people are shocked by the successful transition I had from the corporate world to the business world. What they don’t know is that I was silent but strategic. I never announced what I was working on, the partnerships I was brokering, the opportunities I was seeking, or the relationships that I had access to. While many people had so many negative things to say about what they thought I was doing, I was working in silence. I allowed people to say negative things, but I always understood that negative people are competitive, and I wanted to collaborate my way into bigger spaces.

Every inquiry, request, or correspondence does not deserve a reaction or a response. You need to learn when something requires your silence. It’s our nature to announce our presence and our feelings, but you are strong enough to remain silent through it all. It does not mean that you are not affected; it just means that you know the value of your time. It’s a liberating feeling when you can go from being a reactive person, to a responsive person, to silence.

The more you flex your silent muscle, the more you will attract the attention of leaders who understand and recognize the chess moves you are making, and that your choice to be silent is strategic. They know that you want to get to the C-suite because they understand that you are not playing checkers. You are not involving yourself in the office politics and the nonsense chatter of the day; you are completely invested and lending your voice to productive conversations that increase your value.

It is the same concept in business. I don’t react to everything; there are some things I just leave my name out of. I can’t tell you how many times a day some of my colleagues tag me on Twitter in different posts that they want my reaction to, and I just leave it there. They will barrage my phone with nonsense text messages asking me to check my Twitter page and get in a conversation, and I don’t respond to the text nor the post. I have specific things to do, and I know that there are gatekeepers and decision makers paying attention to my every move, and sometimes the best thing I can do is not get involved in conversations that are not going to increase my wealth or my worth.

When you get to this level of becoming aware that you are being watched, and that every action (or inaction) has value, you will be strategic about your next move.

•   Every post does not require your comment.

•   Every email does not call for a reply.

•   Every negative comment in the office does not need a response.

Some things require silence; and knowing when to lean on silence shows a level of growth. Eventually, you will go from silent to unaffected, and therefore focused and purposeful—and that’s when the great opportunities will arise and you will have the energy to capitalize on them.

Cost-Benefit Analysis: A Professional Response in Business Decisions

Passive communication is rooted in our reactionary ways. While most of our reactions and responses are elicited by interpersonal dealings, there are situations that arise in careers that require we learn to respond versus react. Let’s say your boss makes an unexpected request.

When we just snap out the words without thinking about whether agreeing to something benefits us in any way, we reveal our passive and reactionary ways. We want instead to prove we are powerful and professional in our responses by taking a pause to consider and analyze what is presented to us. The technical term for taking a pause to reflect, consider, and make a projection is “cost-benefit analysis,” and I am quite keen on teaching this skill to women.

Before beginning any level of an excuse or lie to explain my own decisions, I think about whether the cost of saying yes outweighs the benefit of completing the task. I recently read about the cost-benefit analysis in Curtis Jackson’s book, Hustle Harder, Hustle Smarter. Jackson, aka 50 Cent, is a well-known hip-hop artist who rose to fame in the early 2000s. However, he’s quickly become a mogul in the world of film and television with several hit dramas on ABC and Starz Network. However, one of his most impressive public successes is his investment in Vitamin Water, which was acquired by Coca-Cola for an undisclosed figure. Don’t let the rhetoric on Instagram fool you—50 Cent is a smart and intentional thinker, but until I read his book, I didn’t realize that he also takes his time when making high-stake decisions and uses the cost-benefit analysis to avoid making decisions in haste, considering all aspects of his time before entering any partnership. He does not lend his name lightly.

As I hung onto every word, I thought about how many times we have been convinced to make decisions fast, and then, in the end, discover those rash judgments were the wrong ones. The name of the game if you want to be successful is to buy as much time as possible to make the best decisions for you. This is the difference between a reaction and a response. When I am approached with a media or interview opportunity, I always say I need a day to think about it. I must consider the future value of lending my name or my time to anything. I have spent many years saying yes and being passive, which mostly led to a dead-end road. I have countless stories about people who have screwed me out of lucrative deals and partnership opportunities, memberships, and so much more, all because I made passive and hasty decisions. Language is an intentional tool, one that when used correctly will set boundaries, manage expectations, and articulate when someone infringes on my goals. Relinquishing the habit of passive communication takes practice, but it also requires that we learn to avoid the most insidious of the passive traps: the habit of apologizing, which I cover in the next chapter.