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The Self-Promotion Gap!

Creating a Winning Perception

I am not a pastry person. I enjoy a good chocolate chip cookie here and there, but I’m not someone who craves cake or other baked goods. Sweets have never been my weakness, until I spoke at an event in Chicago. The coordinator came into my dressing room with a tray of small cakes and finger sandwiches, and I indulged. When I bit into the cake, the velvety softness changed my life. I asked the coordinator which restaurant catered the cake. She pointed to the gentleman in the hallway and said, “He’s the chef that prepared everything for today.”

Like a lifelong fan, I introduced myself and told him that it was possibly the best cake I’d ever had. Full disclaimer: my grandmother was a professional pastry caterer for 20 years, and this was better than anything I’d ever tasted before. We spoke for a moment, and he told me that if I was ever in the Indianapolis area, I must come by his restaurant, but that he delivers across the country. When I came off stage, he was gone.

Two months later, he was the caterer for another event. We made eye contact and he remembered me, and we started to joke about the cake. I was fascinated (but not surprised) by how many event planners knew of this particular chef and why they all hired him.

“My cake was featured on a list of Oprah’s Favorite Things back in the 1990s,” he told me. Then it clicked, the Oprah Effect. Although he deserved every national acclaim he had earned, his feature on Oprah was over 20 years prior. When I looked at his T-shirt, which featured the name of his bakery and contact information, the back said, “As seen on The Oprah Show.” Decades later, this chef was still using Oprah’s famous television logo to brand himself. Some people might consider that living in the past, but he used it as leverage to create a perception in the outside world. His advice never left me: “Your accomplishments never expire until you stop talking about them.”

It all made sense. It was his biggest media feature, and although it was long past, he still bragged about it as if it had happened yesterday. That level of pride opened up so many doors that he was able to expand his bakery into 217 more grocery locations over 20 years since his appearance on the show. There’s nothing to be ashamed of when you have worked so hard to accomplish something meaningful. If you stop sharing it with the world, no one is going to ask you what you have accomplished.

On the flight home I thought about my own sense of pride in my accomplishments. Sadly, until I gave my first TED Talk in 2015, I did not feel my measure of success
mattered.

That line kept spinning around in my mind: “Your accomplishments never expire until you stop talking about them.” I thought about all of the accomplishments that I’ve labored for but I’ve stopped sharing with the world out of shame because I had not done the next thing immediately after the last thing. I was worried about the relevance of every accomplishment and how to monetize something that I considered old, when in fact it had not expired at all. I thought I should begin bragging about myself and grabbed my notebook and started a bulleted list. What have I done over the past decade? What small wins did I have that led to bigger ones? Why on earth am I not bragging about them? And the facts of my career came pouring out of me:

•   Shared the stage with Kevin O’Leary and Sara Blakely as a keynote speaker at an Inc. magazine event and ended up having dinner with the Shark Tank celebrity investor and several media producers after the event.

•   Interviewed Wendy Williams about the power of negotiating and asking for what you deserve on the tenth anniversary of her hit talk show, The Wendy Williams Show.

•   Sat down and had a conversation with Barbara Corcoran of Shark Tank and asked her how she turned $1,000 into the $66 million empire that still holds her name.

•   Interviewed Ryan Serhant of the hit Bravo show Million Dollar Listing New York about how to build a successful brand after he launched his YouTube channel and second book.

•   Spoke at Facebook’s Women@ Leadership Day in San Francisco. (When I walked off the stage I was greeted by Sheryl Sandberg and Jada Pinkett Smith, who were watching my speech from the greenroom in amazement. Sheryl Sandberg made me tea to help me recover my voice after that talk, and it was such an amazing moment to be celebrated by such an inspiring soul.)

•   Addressed Harvard Business School and Columbia Business School on women in leadership to groups of some of the finest and most brilliant women who are still changing the world today.

•   Was a guest on The Steve Harvey Show, where I discussed The Balancing Act and its impact on mothers. (That eight-minute segment took almost an hour to film, as Steve Harvey can keep you laughing for days while inspiring you to continue to push forward.)

•   Was a guest on The Today Show due to a piece that I published in Forbes titled “Why Don’t More Women Negotiate?” (I remember the morning that the producer from the show called me to tell me that my article popped up on her feed and she thought it was a great direction to take the show that day during Women’s History Month. I filmed that episode only a few days after my father’s funeral.)

•   Was a guest on the first pilot episode of On Your Side Tonight with Jamie Boll. (Jamie Boll is a locally famous news anchor, who hosts a talk show based on current events before the start of Covid-19; it was an honor to sit next to a local legend, especially on his first show, while discussing diversity and inclusion for women.)

•   Am a writer for Inc. and Entrepreneur and have been featured by both magazines for my work with women and negotiating.

•   Spoke about Women and Confidence on the acclaimed TEDx stage. (It was a moment that brought tears to my eyes—sometimes I still pinch myself when people tag me on social media about my talk.)

•   Received honorable mentions in Forbes, Inc., Entrepreneur, Glamour, the Wall Street Journal, and other periodicals.

•   Had my advice featured in so many books that I stopped counting.

•   Had my name appear in academic white papers and other published works in different languages around the world.

I believe every meeting in life has a divine purpose. Meeting the caterer allowed me to see that bragging is not negative at all. I had the wrong approach and wrong thinking about what it meant to be proud. My encounter with the caterer helped me to see that the moment you begin to discount your accomplishments, your verbiage and communication style can diminish the value of the accomplishment. The caterer never discounted his Oprah appearance or downgraded it with the passing of time. He never said, “I appeared a long time ago on a talk show” and labeled it as just a chance meeting. He was intentional and boastful.

After filming my appearance on The Steve Harvey Show in 2013, on the flight home I stared out the window and imagined how displeased my grandmother would have been to hear me bragging about my success to a world-famous comedian on national television. I cried tears of joy and tears of fear for the entire two-hour flight. I knew that if I wanted to change the trajectory of my family for future generations, I had to trust my instinct and stop playing it small; stop being the modest female and the nice girl who doesn’t brag about the great things she has done. I wanted the world to perceive me as someone worth listening to and partnering with, so I needed to be more demonstrative.

Almost a year after the show aired, I continued to wrestle with the idea that the accomplishment of appearing on a panel segment on Steve Harvey’s show was no longer relevant; it was in the past, and when it comes to the media, nobody has a memory. So, I removed it from my curriculum vitae (CV) and press kit. At times, I listened to the limiting beliefs that made me self-sabotage my greatness. The words of the caterer replaying in my mind led me to revive the 2013 appearance on all of my marketing materials. The moment I reshared my segment on Steve Harvey’s show, other media outlets began to call and ask me to discuss issues of gender diversity. Subsequently, that’s how I landed on the evening news, which led to much more. The ripple effect would not have been possible had I not encountered the caterer who was consistently sharing his good news with the world for over two decades.

What’s Bragging Got to Do with It?

Bragging is one of the most valuable forms of communication. You don’t need to have the influence of Oprah to start sharing your brilliance with the world. It is not the blatant act of grandstanding and gloating that you may think. It is the act of highlighting your best qualities and highest performance skills by using your own proven results, experiences, and expertise. Think of it as the highlight reel of your professional and personal achievements. It opens doors and will give you access to high-level meetings and professional opportunities in a way that your résumé cannot. The key to using bragging as a communication strategy is that you must be consistent and immediate. Bragging will catch the attention of decision makers, and it may be a little overload for your colleagues, but remember your objective is professional ascension, not friendships. Bragging has a negative connotation in social settings, but if you are highly ambitious, it is pivotal in your communication style. Bragging is about overcommunicating proven results and narrating your experiences with confidence and clarity. It helps form responses that are well-thought-out, powerful, and unwavering. Owning your accomplishments and communicating them is the opposite of being passive—one of the stereotypes we must always be aware of—along our career trajectory.

Perhaps you’ve been debating whether you should apply for the senior-level leadership opportunity recently posted at your company. Maybe you’ve been wishing to get out of middle management and updating your CV to put your hat in the ring, but you are afraid of rejection, so you debate and procrastinate.

You may be more qualified for that senior-level role than you give yourself credit for. Because you do not brag enough about what you have done for your company or firm thus far, other people will fail to give you credit as well. You negate your accomplishments by talking about the “team’s” success rather than about your leadership style that directs the team toward its success. By limiting your role as the leader of the team, you have negated your ability to lead a team. It is easy to see how a small communication error can make the difference between getting the role you want versus being passed over for a promotion.

Bragging is a career and business game changer. I have used it many times throughout my professional journey to continue to get into specific rooms, especially when I knew that I was more than qualified. In my law firm life, I used it during evaluations to get a raise that was worthy of my expertise, especially when I continued to prove that my relationship-building skills brought in tens of millions of dollars in new business and publicity for the firm. Speaking in first person and narrating my achievements helped the decision maker understand that I was the clear leader on the team. As much as we frown upon bragging, you will lose valuable opportunities by conveying your value in second and third person. Speak about you and only you. It is not selfish—it creates a focal point in the decision-making process. Focus on you!

Don’t be afraid to come across as a know-it-all or a grandstander—it is a welcomed attribute as a leader. It will work to your benefit to speak of your accomplishments. Decision makers will realize they have an asset within their company. Stop remaining the “best-kept secret” at work. Bragging is not an aspirational form of communication, but rather an effective tool to ensure decision makers are aware of who contributes exceptional value and exemplifies leadership potential. You will come to understand that bragging is the best communication tool to lead you to the next opportunity.

If I didn’t brag about my ability to book myself as a guest on The Steve Harvey Show, I would not have received an offer to be on the Today show. If I did not show my communication style and capabilities on blogs such as Tumblr or Medium, I would not have had the opportunity to write for Forbes, Entrepreneur, or Inc. magazines. If I did not show my ability to solve a problem within the world of diversity and inclusion for women, O, The Oprah Magazine wouldn’t have interviewed me for a recent article. If I did not prove my ability to speak in front of 10 people, I would not have been invited to speak to an audience of 100,000. Every boastful “brag” that I’ve shared has led to the next opportunity, which has increased my value significantly. I’ve used bragging as a communication tool to allow others to see what I have accomplished in the past and assess how they’re going to place my expertise within their company in the future. Bragging is currency, and you have to use it every day to open up a multitude of opportunities.

I know you may be scratching your head, thinking, “Bragging is the new form of currency?” But think about it for a moment: Have you ever wanted to purchase something on Amazon, but were skeptical about the quality until you read the reviews? People who have already purchased the product validate your choice, simply because they shared their experience. Subsequently, the product rises in rank on Amazon, and the seller has the option to raise the price due to demand. This is why bragging is a new form of currency. Amazon sellers post their stellar reviews on other platforms to continue to increase sales and the value of their brand.

Bragging is not selfish. We must change that stigma. Besides, when you don’t brag, you are leaving money on the table. Meanwhile, your colleagues and competitors are swiftly moving ahead of you—not due to education, but due to the megaphone they use daily to make others pay attention.

Throughout this book, I’m going to continuously remind you to be clear, confident, and conscious with your words—using everyday vocabulary. It is your job, no one else’s, to articulate your value. People do not judge you on your intention, they judge you based on your words—words you are completely responsible and accountable for; words that brag about who you are. Finding the confidence to articulate yourself requires consistent application, so be patient with yourself as you emerge out of conditioned ways of communicating and thinking. Now is the time to focus on your professional growth. You’re going to have many slips and triggers that may cause you to regress, but the one thing I’m committed to is helping you change your passive
voice.

Be loud and proud. Highlight your education, accreditations, and leadership skills; declare your desired career path within the company, relationships, and references; and make known any other information that is essential for decision makers to know about your commitment to accelerate as a leader within your career. Your desire for growth must be greater than your fear of what others may say about your level of confidence.

Is Your CV Holding You Back?

The Self-Promotion Gap

A U.S. News study stated, “Another drawback of failing to share your accomplishments is that it can hold you back at work. If your supervisor, colleagues, and other team members aren’t aware of your capabilities and past experiences, you may get passed over for career opportunities.”

In other words, if you don’t speak up, you will be overlooked. We often suffer in silence and communicate with fear when the spotlight is on us. We practice, and practice, and practice until we have perfected what we want to say, but when the moment comes, our posture changes and we become reluctant to speak. Instead of highlighting our potential, we start a sentence with “I think,” which highlights our insecurities.

Imagine if a heart surgeon came up to you and said “I think” you need heart surgery, rather than stating, “The left ventricle needs to be repaired based on the echocardiogram we saw this morning.” “I think” implies a hypothesis of maybe you can or maybe you can’t. It does not imply a level of confidence about your ability to complete the task. Although you are not intentionally trying to diminish the conversation or the thought, you are communicating doubt. This could be the difference between a promotion and a demotion based on how you communicate your successes, previous wins, and accomplishments.

The thesis of The Self-Promotion Gap, a survey commissioned by Mighty Forces, Southpaw Insights, Upstream Analysis, and Grey Horse Communications in January 2019, is based on a study of 1,016 participants, both men and women, in which 69 percent of women stated they would rather diminish or minimize their accomplishments in public. It expresses the fact that women simply “undersell their accomplishments, thereby minimizing their impact.” Another factor that contributes to this disparity in self-promotion and bragging is race, ethnicity, and age. When you have the issue of competitive alienation, coupled with race and ageism, it leaves an imbalance in how women of one age spectrum may appear more confident than others of another age spectrum. I have felt this level of disparity, especially when my family conditioned me to believe that bragging was a negative thing, but I knew I needed it to succeed in the real world.

I was asked to join a board of directors for a public company. I attended the exploratory session to see if I was the best fit for the association. I walked into a room of 35 people, mostly men over the age of 65. There was another woman behind me who was also up for the same consideration. We both attended the meeting with a bit of optimism that we could change the old boys club, but we were wrong.

The president of the association was possibly in his early- to mid-seventies, handsome, tall, with a very distinct baritone voice. Of the 35 people in attendance, there were maybe two or three women. The president of the association started the meeting. He was polite and accommodating to all of the board members who had invited guests to explore this opportunity. He took a moment to congratulate us on our presence, and then the meeting began.

The organization was exploring marketing efforts to begin a diversity campaign to attract younger customers, primarily millennials. The other woman who joined me in this exploratory consideration asked for a moment to speak to the group.

“I think what you should do is purchase a few Facebook ads and . . .”

Before she could finish her sentence, the president stood up and said, “Ma’am, you’re here for an exploratory consideration, not to contribute any ideas. The best thing you can do is sit down and let the pros run this organization from here.”

Every member in the room turned their head to see to whom he was speaking. The woman sat quietly in the back of the room, cowering. Instead of announcing that she was a former marketing executive for Jet.com, which was subsequently purchased by Amazon for $3 billion, and that she knew about marketing, she fell into a submissive role. The abrupt interruption of her voice dismissed her qualifications, as that president refused to allow her to speak.

I felt like I was in elementary school, and the principal was walking around so we had to behave. I will admit, I could have been an advocate for her, and as I look back, I should have spoken up. At that moment, however, I froze because I was worried that if I defended her, I could lose my consideration for this opportunity. We must stop using the repetitive excuse of getting in the door or getting a seat at the table to justify our silence. Most women take a back seat when they are interrupted at work instead of speaking up about all the things they have done and are qualified to do in their new or potential roles.

She didn’t speak up and state her qualifications. It was her ability to market Jet.com that had led to Amazon’s interest in taking over the popular app. Instead of starting the sentence with, “I’m a former marketing executive for Jet.com, which will soon be purchased by Amazon, and I can help you through this marketing agenda,” she commenced her statement with “I think,” which is a passive way of publicly casting doubt.

In my experience, I’ve seen the fear of alienation as a driving factor for women who play themselves small. The more I have accomplished, the more acquaintances and colleagues I’ve lost along my journey. I have been called every name you can imagine by people who I considered friends. Pride in oneself casts a stigma, especially in the eyes of other women. We are nurturers by nature and want the best for everyone, even if that means sacrificing our dreams for the good of others.

I was determined to continue my journey—regardless of whether my friends and colleagues supported my bravery or not—to bet on myself. The way I see it, life is too short to be scared of the opinions of others, to dictate our behaviors and words to be likable. I have never been driven by ego, but I am a highly determined person with ambition. Shining my light has worked very well for me, and it can be the same for you.

No matter where you go, you have to openly pat yourself on the back. No one is going to pat you on the back quite like you can. You have to give yourself more credit for your successes, past and present, and even those successes you will have in the future. Your next opportunity is a direct result of your ability today to celebrate how far you’ve come while allowing others to understand your value beyond.

Learning the Art of the Brag

According to Walter E. Jacobson, MD, psychiatrist and author of Forgive to Win!, our subconscious mind plays a major role in the actualization of our lives and the manifestation of our desires. What we believe about ourselves at a subconscious level can have a significant impact on the outcome of events.

I believe that fear is directly connected to the inability to affirm ourselves and our greatness. Instead, we subject ourselves to a level of habitual diminishing and dismissive association with our past. It is essential to develop a self-affirmation routine to become an effective communicator first to yourself and then to others. Think of instances in the past, when someone may have complimented you, either at work or walking down the street, and you refused to own it. Rather, you dismiss it as “Glad to help,” or “I just want what’s best for you” or “That’s nothing, don’t make a big deal of it.” You dismiss the achievement and are less likely to share it with others.

Here are some ways to practice the art of the brag:

•   Make good use of bragging and self-promotion. Remember that bragging is a form of communication that highlights your achievements and accomplishments. Do not use it as a competitive tool to dismiss or discount the contributions of others on your team or your colleagues. Use it in a positive way to continue to provide relevant examples of your previous experiences that are germane to the opportunity you deserve. You’ve done the work, now share it in high-level circles.

•   Speak in first person. If you work in a team environment, avoid the impulse to give the entire team credit for your leadership abilities. Your career depends on you to narrate your own story and take credit for your contributions. However, you can lose your moment to shine your highlight reel and promote yourself if you forget to mention “I” in your conversations with decision makers. Remember, you want a seat at the table, not the team. It is not selfish to only mention yourself and give yourself praise for an exceptional work product and result. Speak about you and only you.

•   Share your own reviews. Major retailers such as Amazon and Best Buy post customer reviews of their high-ticket items. It is a way to gain access to repeat customers and helps with brand awareness. Your work is your brand. When you are praised for your results, or receive a great review, make sure you share it with others. Nothing is worse than becoming the best-kept secret in the office when there are empty chairs in the C-suite. Brag about what others say about your performance as well. Those who can substantiate your performance will accelerate your journey. Also, add it to your CV.

•   Make your accomplishments last a lifetime! Bragging is not date sensitive. Whether you did something great four days ago or 40 years ago, it is still worthy of sharing. Stop thinking about when the accomplishment happened, and focus on the value of the achievement itself. It is worthy of sharing for a lifetime and part of your CV. “Your accomplishments never expire until you stop talking about them.”

•   Brag to win the next opportunity. As stated, I’ve used the last opportunity to attract the next opportunity,
and all of it is thanks to bragging. Don’t use this communication tool maliciously; rather use it as a
magnet to attract new relationships, allyship, sponsors, and off-market opportunities for professional growth.

•   Be consistent! I will repeat this throughout the book. Most people try something only once and give up. This is your story, and you must share it consistently. It is the only way to ensure all of the decision makers who are in a gatekeeping capacity will learn about who you are and the value you can add to another opportunity. Keep in mind that most decisions about promotions and the candidates that are being vetted happen when you are not in the room, or even in the office. It’s important to make your presence known.

What Is the Remunerative Value for Your Skills?

In my negotiation workshops and training I discuss the importance of knowing your replacement and remunerative values. For example, I had a flood in my home in 2015. The insurance adjuster asked me for the “replacement” value of the items destroyed, and the claims department asked for the “remunerative” value for the same items.

The replacement value considers the items as a loss, and the remunerative value is based on the current value of the item, such as a television, tools, or a washing machine, factoring in the cost of inflation since it was purchased and the increased price over time of similar items due to demand.

Your remunerative value at work is based on how much you have increased the value of your team, department, or role during your tenure. More importantly, it factors in the cost of inflation, which I refer to as your increased value. Your value continues to increase with training, events, and new skills. When you list your skills and achievements in a negotiation meeting, commence the conversation with the amount of value or revenue you have brought in during your tenure in your current role, then think about how much your contribution is worth.

Here is an example of how to develop your remunerative value statement.

During my tenure as sales director (skill), I have increased revenue by 64 percent and closed more than $18 million in sales (achievement). Effectively, due to performance, I believe the value of my role should increase by 22 percent (remunerative value).

What Is Your Remunerative Value Statement?