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Perception and Performance

Creating a Cycle of Professionalism

When I first began hosting my live events and conferences for The Confidence Factor for Women, I was on a quest for guest speakers. I wanted to attract and host experts in various domains who would add value, breadth, and depth to my audience. One speaker, “Debbie,” specialized in sales. After our initial conversation and an invitation to investigate her website credentials, she asked to meet me for lunch so we could explore further my event and how she might fit into my content.

For our lunch date, I chose to wear a bow-tie Gucci dress, a pair of classic black pumps, and a bag to match. I completed my look with nude lip gloss and a light dusting of face powder. It was important as I began to build and grow my network of speakers that I and my events be perceived as paramount. I was focused on the big time, and everything I did, said, and wore needed to reflect such an intention. I’d been a guest on The Steve Harvey Show, NPR, and the Today show by this time, and I felt I had a lot to offer speakers in terms of their brand extensions and believed I should look professionally consistent, just as I had on television.

I found Debbie sitting at a table by the bar. “Carol!” she yelled and waved me over, “Hey, you look great!” Except, I couldn’t say the same for Debbie, who was wearing yoga pants with fuzzy slippers and an Old Navy T-shirt. With her hair in a fuzzy bun, she could’ve just popped over from the gym, and I felt instantly distracted. It was like agreeing to have a drink with someone you met online, only to find they looked nothing like their profile.

First impressions matter. The impression I wanted to give was that this event was significant to me and the women I serve. I wanted to ensure that I appeared as a leader, and less as a friend, especially since we were meeting for the first time. I reserve my casual look for the fifth and sixth meetings, not the first one. Also, I thought of this more as an interview, not specifically a job interview, but considering she was asking for $20,000+ to give a speech, I thought she should look the part. As she pitched me on her expertise, all I could think was how, no matter how much she spoke about her experience, I couldn’t take her seriously. The more she continued to speak, the more I focused on how her lack of professionalism impacted my perception of her.

In a Harvard Business Review article titled “How to Give an Employee Feedback About Their Appearance” Amy Gallo writes “Whether we like it or not, a person’s appearance affects their success at work.” But still, I had to audit myself and check my own bias on the way home, thinking, Carol, are you being judgmental? Did you give the wrong impression of the purpose of this meeting? I doubted myself because my perception of what she had advertised on her website was different from the person who sat in front of me for lunch. She was also a bit arrogant and foul-mouthed and had very little filter, which caused me to have concern about how she would communicate unscripted if she were to interact with any conference attendees.

Later, her assistant sent a formalized commitment for her appearance, which was presumptuous as I had not hired her for the job. The email read:

We typically require a hold agreement to block out a date. I see in [her] notes that she wants to prepare and deliver 3 hours of content for her typical hourly fee of $8,900. It says that you want a 1-hour keynote presentation then a sub-group 2-hour workshop. Is this accurate? It also says that she is waiting on you for attendee information to create an outline for the training.

[She] says in her notes that you are “Awesome” :)

Please let me know how you would like to arrange the training day as well (time/location) and I will prepare the hold agreement.

Very few people can say they make over $20,000 for three hours of their time, so I believed that the perception needed to match the reality. In the end, I could not bring myself to hire her for my event. I have never had to think that hard about a decision before, but I think I made the right one. As a leader, if I can’t stand by the people I am hiring, then I would be wrong to introduce them as an expert to the people I am leading.

You will attract leadership opportunities only if you are perceived as a leader. Indeed, you will never get a second chance to make a first impression. In an article published on the website Well+Good, entitled “How Your Perception Is Your Reality, According to Psychologists,” Jessica Estrada states “Perception is merely a lens or mindset from which we view people, events, and things.” To reach the C-suite, the mindset has to be one of strength, professionalism, and talent, which is why perception is everywhere in the business world. If you want to be viewed as someone qualified and confident, you will prepare your appearance, your body language, and your language to not be self-limiting but to elevate interactions with decision makers.

If you walk around with your head down in the office, chances are you will be perceived as someone who is sad, depressed, lacking confidence, tired, or just not interested in your role. On the other hand, if you want to shift perception, walk with your head up—you’ll be perceived as a leader, confident, strong, resilient, and engaged.

The perception we have of others, the perception others have of us, and the perception we have of ourselves are all within our control, if we have the right tools.

How People Perceive You

What you put out there is your decision alone. Debbie decided to wear workout clothes and a messy bun and to drop the f-bomb in order to get a $20,000 job. It turned out to be the wrong approach for Debbie, but it was still her choice. It’s so much more than your appearance: perception is formed by the way you speak and the ways you interact with everyone around you. Communicating with perception in mind will lead to ensuring that decision makers trust you to take on responsibility and lead people.

Based on Debbie’s appearance I perceived her as untrust­worthy, disorganized, careless, and unenthused. I also believed that an investment in her did not match the interaction because the résumé outlined from her public profile did not match the person I met. Within the first five seconds, I made a judgment that this was not an equally matched opportunity. I also thought that she thought I was not important enough, or maybe she misinterpreted what a lunch meeting, emphasis on “meeting,” required. Either way, she shaped my perception of her, not the other way around.

As a decision maker my biggest concern was how she would represent me and my company. Other decision makers around the world feel exactly the same. Would I endorse a person who came to our first meeting dressed with little intention? It’s not the clothes that are the concern, but the lack of time and energy and focus shown in preparing to meet me. What else in her life did she prepare for haphazardly? Could I trust this person to represent my brand and my mission in alignment with the way I was building The Confidence Factor for Women? I couldn’t take a risk that she would be the “talk” of the event, and not in a good way. I worried about the impression, or lack of impression, she would leave on my audience. If she did not perceive our first meeting to be of enough importance or significance to avoid wearing yoga pants to a lunch meeting that she solicited, then what could happen on the day of the event—an event I was taking the risk to finance? I was the decision maker in this scenario, and I couldn’t take any chances. People perceive you by who you surround yourself with. In this case, I had worked hard to be the confident and competent businessperson, so I needed to be guaranteed that I’d be surrounded by leaders who also acted the part.

Based on Debbie’s assistant’s presumptuous correspondence with my office, it was clear Debbie didn’t see herself the way I saw her. She saw herself as more than qualified, and maybe in the past, her appearance had worked for her in other meetings with other decision makers. That’s because perception is subjective. What makes one person believe you to be a leader may be overlooked by another. A handshake might win someone over, while a person’s close talking distance might turn someone else off. Because of the high subjectivity, you need to be more cautious than ever! One of my mentors said that the way you shake hands with people shapes their perception of you. He also told me that a strong handshake can be the difference between getting a seat at the table or being left out of the room. “Perception is the process of selecting, organizing, and interpreting information,” according to a study by the University of Minnesota, “Communication in the Real World.” “This process affects our communication because we respond to stimuli differently, whether they are objects or persons, based on how we perceive them.”

The name of the game is to influence gatekeepers to talk positively about you when you are not in the room. If they do not trust you, do not think you planned in advance, or see you as not engaged or enthused about the business you are in, your name will never come up as a contender. When you have limited access to key people, as most people who are not in the C-suite do, perception needs to be leveraged so your name is brought up and their perception of your value is discussed. Decisions about promotions are not just based on your productivity but on the perception of your ability to handle the promotion. It is a never-ending cycle of perception and performance. Perception is a different form of currency at work that can only be shaped by you. Perception plays a key role in your professional ascension.

Perception and Self-Promotion

In her talk at the JCI Foundation in 2016, Carla Harris, vice-chairman and senior client advisor at Morgan Stanley, said “Perception is the co-pilot to reality. How people perceive you will directly impact how they deal with you and it’s important [that] if you want to maximize your success you should understand the perception that exists about you in the marketplace. Remember that you can train people to think about you and the way that you want them to think about you.”

We spoke at length in Chapter 1 about women’s general lack of self-promotion in the workplace. Placing an emphasis on perception as you climb the corporate ladder is a reminder to keep talking yourself up. Shaping the narrative of how you want to be perceived within the workplace is a form of self-promotion. One strategy that sets up certain perceptions is to start a “rumor” about yourself. For example, I have started a rumor within my company that I make fast decisions. When members of my team or any outside stakeholders approach me with a project that needs an immediate decision, they always say, “Hey Carol, can you take a look at this for me real quick? I know you make fast decisions.” I always say, “Yeah drop it off, let me take a look and I’ll get back to you ASAP,” which normally means the next morning. I am also selective in accepting projects, so it helps to work quickly, as I am careful with my time. I like to keep that perception going so that I have more stakeholders trusting me with high-profile projects. That’s my secret rumor but I have created it around my brand.

Self-Perception

How we perceive ourselves matters more than how others perceive us. We must have a positive self-perception before we can put our best foot forward. What we believe about ourselves is what we exhibit to the world. If we perceive ourselves as less than others, we will certainly communicate that as a matter of fact.

I am always my own best and worst critic. I am constantly giving myself feedback so I remember to grow and add more opportunities while expanding my network. One of my strongest qualities is humor, and I enjoy making people laugh. My love of comedy comes across in my presentations and meetings. I recently received a call from one of my tenants on the day of her scheduled cesarean section, and when I answered I jokingly said “Aren’t you busy today?” She laughed and replied, “I had the twins an hour ago, but I wanted to let you know that we mailed our rent payment this morning, just in case it’s late.”

Her call reinforced my leadership style. Immediately after a life-changing, monumental event, my tenant remained concerned about her fiduciary obligations. Most people would wait, but my humor mixed with firm leadership has helped me create a perception that I am approachable, with limitations. How you perceive yourself is a critical skill. As an investor, I need my tenants and other stakeholders to feel the same when I’m not in the room—“She’s funny but firm.”

Focus on the impression you want to leave on others and your leadership abilities. I ask myself after every meeting or event—“Did they think I was smart? Did I give them the best version of my knowledge, or did I dilute it? Did I come across as a leader today?” I also answer my questions so I can compare what I did well as opposed to what needs work.

Think about the impact you want to leave with others. Self-perception requires a self-assessment to ensure you gain the trust of decision makers while allowing them to observe the quality of your contribution. Look at yourself from their perspective. Also, ask yourself if you did your best today, and create a list of attributes that need your attention. This will allow you to attract opportunities instead of competing for them.

When I met Debbie for lunch, she changed my perception. I was sold from our phone conversation and her website, but I am still in the public figure business, so her public image shifted my perspective on hiring her. What I saw was someone who depended on her website image to attract opportunities. Perhaps she misinterpreted my humor during our conversation as a friendship rather than a working relationship. I also interpreted her approach in this meeting as a form of disrespect for a first impression. Although we live in a world where people continue to discount the significance of appearance, I assure you it is real. Those who live by this philosophy may not have your level of ambition and goals. Before you start thinking about Mark Zuckerberg and his famous gray T-shirt, consider his appearance when he is called before Congress. It may work for his business, but it doesn’t work for everyone. You are always being judged. Even when I was in corporate America, I didn’t participate often in “dress-down Fridays.” I always thought of it as a science experiment—who was the worst dressed?

“Their” Perception

Perhaps your professional goals cannot be achieved at your current company, and you need to amicably part ways. How others perceive you can impact your transition to your next opportunity. It’s not just how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you, you must also consider how others convey their perception of you and your strengths to others.

While I worked as an intern at the Brooklyn district attorney’s office, I was aware that the opportunity was a launching pad for my future career. I worked diligently to ensure that everyone who I worked with, in any capacity, could relay the same experience of my professional candor to others. I was meticulous about creating a perception of dependability, excellence, and consistency because it was clear that the position was temporary. I took the internship seriously—from my clothes to volunteering for open assignments—I was aware of the rebound effect it could have in my life. Subsequently, “their” perception led me to private sector law firms and political networks, which have changed my life.

Create a perception that gatekeepers can convey to others, one that says you can do the job higher than where you are now. Your next opportunity to elevate your career is directly connected to someone putting in a referral or recommendation. How will they share their experiences and encounters with you? You must become mindful of anything nonverbal or verbal you might be doing that sends messages that you are limited to the role you are in and cannot handle more.

Avoiding Self-Limiting Language and Behaviors

The first time I pitched an idea and asked for $7.8 million, I was a nervous wreck. My lack of confidence reeked from my shrunken posture, shaky voice, and the deer-in-headlight expression on my face. I stood there, in front of a room of seven investors and two city planners from the Department of Housing and Urban Development, and I tried everything in my power to overcome my fear, but I just could not seem to get myself together. At the end of the meeting, I realized all my mistakes were in my language and posture. They sent cues that screamed, “She’s not ready!” You can overcome nerves, and people can look past fear, but if your language is self-limiting, you will be perceived as
underqualified.

When I walked into the pitch, I said:

I’m a new investor who is interested in the $7.8 million grant that is offered by the Housing and Urban Development Redevelopment fund. I think I have a few ideas that could be of great use to the South End Neighborhood. I want to try to bring in a few more shops, and affordable houses.

I bolded the words that caused the investors to shift their perception of my confidence level and abilities. If you read the same statement with the words in bold omitted, it could be perceived that I’m an experienced investor who has great ideas to share with the Housing and Urban Development Redevelopment fund. Those few small words that I used in front of that panel shifted their perception, and when I listened to my presentation afterward, I realized the flaw was my use of limiting language instead of using language to shift the perception.

Just as language can be powerful and help us avoid self-limitations, there are other behaviors and actions we can be purposeful about in order to put forth the best perception of ourselves and gain the trust and attention of decision makers:

Make eye contact. Eye contact is a form of nonverbal communication. Decision makers want to see that you can look them in the eye and trust you. AJ Harbinger published a Business Insider article entitled “7 Things Everyone Should Know About the Power of Eye Contact,” which states, “If you want people to remember what you said long after you’re done talking, maintain good eye contact . . . [it] makes people both more memorable and more noticeable.”

Avoid wandering eyes in high-power meetings and presentations. Connect with decision makers so you can gain their trust. Looking them in the eye is the only way to change your perception about the type of leader you are capable of being. Shifty eyes, looking off in the distance, or staring or blinking too much can be seen as indicators that you are not trustworthy, not engaged, unfocused, or nervous.

Speak in the first person. Take ownership of all of your achievements in both written and verbal communication. Rather than starting a sentence with “They are,” start with “I am.” Self-promote and shine the spotlight on yourself, so you shift the perception from being one of many on a group project to being a team leader. It is so much more influential when you take ownership of your contributions and talents.

Communicating in the first person will help you to sound authentic and confident. It does not need to come across as arrogant. In fact, communicating in the first person can be an inclusive dialogue. For example:

We decided to cancel the event due to inclement weather. (First-person plural)

They canceled the event due to inclement weather. (Third person)

In the first example, you take ownership of your part on the team, instead of stating, “I canceled the event due to the inclement weather.” Using “we” in the first person allows you to acknowledge yourself as a leading contributing member, without discounting the efforts of others, and highlight that you were part of the decision-making process. These are the kinds of statements that decision makers like to hear. You can interchange “I” and “we” numerous times but in a way that makes it clear that you were part of the decision-making process. This simple change will ensure that you are viewed more as an equal than a subordinate.

Start the conversation. I attended a private dinner for Inc. magazine’s Women’s Summit and had the honor of sitting next to Kevin O’Leary, of the hit show Shark Tank. I do not drink often and was unaware that Kevin O’Leary was in the wine business. However, I didn’t want this moment to pass without starting a conversation, so I said, “Kevin, I see you have a few bottles of white wine here. Can you recommend one for someone who doesn’t drink but prefers a floral aftertaste?” That sparked his interest immediately, and he went into a long discussion about wine. Before I knew it, I was tasting Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay, and Chablis. I wasn’t interested in the wine—I was interested in the conversation because this could make a great mentorship opportunity.

From the weather to events on the news—except for politics—start the conversation. Shifting perception is about taking the initiative to engage. Although wine is not a typical topic for me, it was a common, convenient, and relevant one at that particular dinner. I’m sure Kevin O’Leary has had a million people walk up to him and talk about Shark Tank, but fewer people ask about his wine business. I didn’t want to talk about the show, I wanted to exchange ideas if possible. Find a common focal point, and start the conversation. Don’t wait to be invited, as highly effective leaders always make the first move. The following gives an example of how to start:

Ice Breaker

Three Ways to Leave Your Mark in the Office Without Saying a Word

Effective communication has several layers, which are deeply rooted in trust. When you’re communicating, it is imperative to build trust and credibility before commencing a conversation. If decision makers, gatekeepers, stakeholders, or colleagues believe they can trust you, they are receptive to your advice and opinions. You have to set the perception and leave your mark on people who are connected to your professional ascension.

Here are three ways to achieve their trust and leave your mark.

1. Control Your Posture

Decision makers are watching, and every interaction or conversation is a visual experience. Ever since a chance meeting with a Forbes contributor at Starbucks, I take simple trips, like ones to the supermarket, seriously because I never know the encounters I could have at Trader Joe’s. “Ninety-three percent of communication occurs through nonverbal behavior and tone; only 7 percent of communication takes place through the use of words,” says John Stoker, the author of Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Hold Real Conversations That Create Respect, Build Relationships, and Get Results. Although we all know the adage “be yourself,” or “we shouldn’t care what other people think,” the business of leadership is not as forgiving, especially for women. Our body language beginning with how we carry ourselves speaks volumes about who we are and who we think we are. Here are some elements of body language to be aware of:

•   Shoulders back

•   Head high

•   Legs together

•   Put on your best power outfit

•   Capture their attention

Before we get to how to communicate effectively, we have to get you in the posture to communicate. To build a rapport with any gatekeeper or decision maker, you have to let them see you in action. No more shrugging shoulders and sitting down to speak. Elevate your voice and get into your high-power posture. High-power leaders are not sitting and competing for their voices to be heard. They are standing up, commanding all attention, and shining a spotlight on themselves so the team knows who the leader is. Even if your voice is trembling, stand up. Even if you don’t think you have the answer, stand up. Even if you are afraid of rejection, stand up.

2. Pose

When I was invited to give my first TED Talk, it was an honor of my lifetime. Standing on that famous red circle carpet was an emotional moment. I wasn’t aware of all of the preparation and choreography leading up to a TED Talk, but it is heavily rooted in posture and posing. The ability to stand erect for eight minutes, while remembering all of your takeaways and transition points, is an amazing skill in itself. With my speeches in the past, I sometimes had notes near the timer to guide me, but this talk required my full memorization with no sudden moves. I had to command the room while making a power pose.

Clear communication will require you to get out of your comfort zone. You may think that you have been effective in meetings by speaking up and contributing value while sitting down. Maybe decision makers have been listening to you, but have they seen you? Let me share my top three power poses for women leaders:

Put your hands on your hips. This is my favorite stance when speaking to any decision maker in a casual capacity, by the water cooler or in the lobby for example. It allows you to exude confidence without the need to hunch your back over or minimize your significance in their presence.

Place your hands on the table and lean forward. This is the best pose for meetings. Leaning forward while standing shows dominance. I recommend this pose in meetings and events.

Lift your arms high and celebrate. This is a great pose when you are congratulating your team or celebrating a major victory.

3. Make a Great First Impression

We all have that one outfit that makes us feel invincible. I have a maroon A-line dress that changes my mood and increases my confidence. Communication starts with a visual cue before moving to a conversation. In my experience with Debbie’s initial in-person presentation, I worried about the potential backlash from my audience, considering it was also my first impression to an audience of thousands.

I am not suggesting a full makeover, but think about self-perception for a moment:

•   What does your appearance say about you?

•   Do you look like the leader you want to be?

•   What do you think decision makers are saying about you in closed rooms?

•   Do you believe your promotion has been compromised due to your appearance?

•   Who is the leader you most admire? Describe this person’s appearance. How can you achieve a similar look?

•   What are some simple fixes you can implement?

“We all want to be judged on our merits and not a workplace dress code. However, the way you present yourself does affect your professional capacity. It affects how others perceive you. It affects your reputation. Ultimately, it affects your ability to be productive and get things done,” states a blog by Time Management Ninjas called How Your Professional Appearance Affects Your Productivity.

If you want to have your name plate on the door of the C-suite, you need to earn trust, and doing so can happen upon first impressions and formed perceptions. Trust leads to decision makers asking for your opinion, listening to you when you talk, and raving about you behind closed doors. In other words, a positive perception is what gains you respect, and when you are respected a cycle of professionalism is ensured. Once you create the perception in the office, then you can distance yourself from the “nice girl” image and eliminate the stereotypes that keep women away from the C-suite, and doors will open.