External change is beyond our control, so it is no surprise that we find it stressful. Our ancient ancestors had to deal with quickly changing and often life-threatening situations, like the appearance of a large, hungry predator. However, once they had evaded capture, their sympathetic nervous system could calm down and the stress hormones dissipate. Now we find ourselves living with constant change and the uncertainty it produces. We need to find ways that, if we cannot control the change, we can still feel ‘in control’ of ourselves and our futures.
This chapter explains how change happens and how we respond to it, before looking at techniques you can use to cope in times of change. It ends with a way by which you can focus yourself on what you really want and so find opportunities to do more than just survive: in other words, to thrive in times of change.
How change happens in the world
Change often seems to creep up on you and catch you unawares. It has been happening quietly for a while, but it takes a seemingly random incident to bring it to your attention. For example, the paint and decorative finish of your home can be deteriorating slowly and imperceptibly for years, but it sometimes takes a visitor to notice it: ‘Mike, the paint on this wall is starting to peel.’ This creates a moment of insight when a light bulb goes on in your head and you think: ‘Aha … Change.’
So you start to investigate your options, looking at paint colours and checking your budget to see if you can afford a new carpet. You finally settle on a colour, buy some paint and get decorating. When you are finished, life seems just a little better; you are proud of your new living room, and you enjoy it. Of course, you start by keeping it immaculate, but gradually the novelty wears off and you are back to your old routine. Months pass and then years, and gradually the paintwork picks up some scuffs, and the carpet gets a few small stains, but you don’t notice these, day to day.
Your living room looks the same in the morning as it did when you went to bed, and it looks the same in the evening as it did when you went out in the morning. So it comes as a surprise when, six years later, a cheeky visitor says: ‘Mike, this carpet is a bit of a mess.’
This familiar story already starts to show us why we so often find change stressful. For most of us, the first point at which we become aware that change is happening is when it is too late to stop it, and our only option is to react to it.
The example is a very low-impact one, but think about the changes in your workplace or in society as a whole. They all follow the same cycle, illustrated in Figure 8.1, below.
In any situation, your awareness of the change starts with the seemingly random incident. It is not truly random, because it is inevitable that you will become aware of the external change at some point, but often it strikes you as coming out of the blue – randomly. This triggers a cascade of emotional and reasoned responses that we shall explore in the next section, and it is only when you take action, and therefore seize control of the situation, that you will feel comfortable with your emotions.
Figure 8.1 The change cycle
How you are programmed to respond to change
Figure 8.2 illustrates the emotional rollercoaster we all go through when faced with imposed change that we perceive as uncomfortable or threatening.
The rollercoaster of change
The curve in Figure 8.2 represents everyone’s experience of change. What will differ – in often quite surprising ways – will be the nature and intensity of the emotions different people will feel, how they express them, and the pace at which they pass through the stages. Consequently, two people may experience the same situation quite differently and therefore feel quite different levels of stress. Let’s look at each stage in turn.
Stage 1: Denial
Our first response to first realising that change is happening is usually denial. Our brains reject its discomforts and pretend it is not happening: before fight or flight comes fright. How often have you found yourself saying ‘It will never happen’ or ‘It won’t affect me’ when, in your heart of hearts, you know it will? In front of others, we often dress it up as cynicism or scepticism, but we are really sticking our head in the sand and hoping it will go away.
Figure 8.2 The rollercoaster of change
Stage 2: Emotion
When we can no longer deny the reality of change, our emotional centres are the first to react. Depending upon how we perceive the change, our emotions can be strong or mild and of many sorts, from sadness to grief, frustration to anger, bitterness to disgust. They are a perfectly natural sign that the limbic system of our brain is engaged, and looking for ways to protect us, by triggering our fight-or-flight mechanisms.
There may also be a sense of relief and some positive emotions. Here, however, we are focusing on changes that are perceived as adverse or threatening – even if they are not really so.
When people start to get angry or upset about change, the last thing you should do is try to reason with them: ‘There’s no point in getting angry. Calm down and look at it rationally.’ This will just make them more angry or upset. Instead, you must respect their emotions and give them time to express them. The best thing you can do is to listen to them uncritically.
Stage 3: Resistance
Eventually, the power of our emotions subsides and they are replaced by reason. We start to become rational and start to think through the situation. We first tend to see the drawbacks associated with the change, because we focus on what we are losing, so this stage is characterised by a reasoned resistance to change. If you are trying to promote the change, then encountering this resistance is daunting, because there will almost certainly be pros and cons to the change, and now you have to deal with rational opposition.
The good news is that rational thinking allows us to analyse a situation and start to regain control. This stage is where we can start to fight the stress.
Stage 4: Exploration
Once we are thinking in a rational way, we can start to evaluate the benefits as well as costs of the change. This stage is often the least energetic one, where we may feel frozen by inaction and with minimum control. But it is the stage where we explore our options and assess how to respond to the change. This choice can give us control, and, when we make our decision, we can seize control.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Having made our choice consciously, the next stage is where it sinks in, and we start to accept our new future. At the same time we also take our first steps to control our situation.
Stage 6: Commitment
The last stage of change is when we are fully committed to making changes and are in control. This does not mean that we like the change that has happened, but it does mean that we have completely accepted that we cannot change it and are therefore pursuing the next stage of our life.
A couple of examples
Let’s look at two very different examples: someone who has suffered a bereavement, and someone whose employer changes the way that they operate at work.
A bereavement
Often people’s first response to hearing of a loss is to say ‘No, it can’t be.’ We want to wind the clock back and make things different. This is denial. It is followed by a period of almost pure emotion: grief. The next stage sees people rage against the change, starting to consider the effects on them, their family and their plans. This is a form of resistance, which is followed by a quiet period of starting to come to terms with their loss. This turns into acceptance, when we fully realise that the loss is permanent. Only later do we start to move on with our lives and make a commitment to a new life without the person we have lost.
Without the acceptance and commitment, we cannot stop grieving and the bereavement has triggered a long-term problem.
A change at work
‘They’ve been talking about this for years. It will never happen. They wouldn’t dare’ eventually becomes ‘How dare they, good grief, oh no.’ We put off facing the inevitable change until we are confronted by it and then find ourselves getting angry with our bosses or upset, or bitter. At the root of all these emotions is the big one: fear. We fear the unknown, we fear not being able to cope, we fear failure. As the emotions subside, we find a dozen reasons why it won’t work and resist the change, until we start to see how it could work – or is already beginning to work – and we then begin to explore what the change means to us. We come to accept that there is a new reality and eventually make a commitment to it.
If we cannot accept the change and commit to a positive future for ourselves, we cannot regain control, and we are lost.
Personal tolerance for change
Nobody likes change. On the other hand, we all embrace change all of the time.
The difference is the degree of change that will push each of us into discomfort. For some, that level of change is vast and, for others, even the smallest change is painfully unsettling. Existing stress will diminish your ability to cope with change, making what would otherwise seem like a minor tremor feel like a huge earthquake in your life.
How to cope with the stress of change
Because stress comes from a feeling of not being in control, the early stages of change are the hardest to cope with. You become suddenly aware that events are beyond your control, and then your brain hijacks your conscious control and floods your being with emotion.
Your emotional response
So, to immediately start to regain control, make a conscious choice to respect your emotions. Your emotional cycle is natural and overpowering, so accepting it is the only real control you can have over it. And while you are at it, look around you: you are not alone. Respect other people’s emotions too.
The way to move on from a highly emotional state is to examine your emotions. Ask yourself:
‘Exactly what emotions am I feeling?’
‘What is causing these emotions?’
‘What am I afraid of?’
In examining your emotions in this way, you are being respectful of them, but starting to discharge them and move your brain into a more rational mode. Now is the time to take control of your health. If you are to respond resourcefully to difficult changes, you need to be as rested, fit and well fed as you can, so make a conscious decision to prioritise eating well, exercising and getting enough sleep or good-quality rest.
Your rational response
Now that your brain is in a reasoning mode, you will start to recognise all of the threats and challenges ahead. To avoid becoming paralysed by fear, share your concerns with somebody else. There is a lot of emotional truth in the old saying that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. With someone whom you trust that you can speak to, you can express your resistance and start to explore your options without feeling too exposed to the wide world when you do it.
The most important thing you can do in seizing control is to base your choices on the best available evidence. So, ask questions and find out the facts. Separate truth from rumour, invite different points of view and, in particular, listen to positive perspectives. You do not want to miss some good news while focusing on the bad. This requires you to keep an open mind about how the change can benefit you.
Your anchors
In the tides of change, it is valuable to review your anchors – the things that hold you down. Set aside a little time to review who you are and what is most important in your life. The exercise below will give you a structured way to do this.
Your anchors
Write down these questions and your answers to them. If you have a gratitude journal (see Chapter 6), this would be a good place to record this.
Who has influenced the way you are?
… and what did they teach you?
Who is most important to you in life?
… and what do you value them for?
What is most precious to you in life?
… and what do you cherish about it?
What are you most grateful for?
… and what is really worth fighting for?
Your attitudes
Three attitudes that featured in Chapter 6 are of particular significance in coping with major change: optimism, flexibility and gratitude. Optimism will help you prime yourself to spot opportunities that arise, and times of change are times when opportunities come in abundance. Flexibility will allow you to adapt to the changing circumstances and to seize opportunities quickly, even when they come in an unexpected form or from an unexpected place. Gratitude will help you to focus on what is good in your situation, rather than dwelling on what you may lose, on how tough things are, or on your fears.
Put simply, what theme song are you going to choose for yourself? Will you choose the Rolling Stones’ ‘It’s all over now’, or will you choose Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will survive’? If you choose ‘I will survive’, these three winning attitudes are proven to give you an advantage.
Your actions
Nothing gives you more control than getting involved. Look for ways that you can help to drive the change agenda and influence outcomes. It is very easy to get stuck in a rut and spend your time with other miserable people bemoaning how you are all victims of the change. But this is an important final point of control: choosing the people you associate with. Do you associate with ‘victims’ or ‘survivors’?
It’s not just your attitude that counts; it’s the attitudes of the people around you. Even the strongest willed among us find it hard to stay optimistic in the teeth of unrelenting pessimism. It is human nature to want to join in. So, make it easy for yourself by joining people who have a positive attitude too. Build powerful working relationships with the people who can support you and help you to not just survive, but to thrive. This will help you to avoid indulging in the ‘terrible trio’ of rumours, rants and recriminations, which so often characterise responses to change.
Your pace of change
Uncomfortable as it may seem to you, the final piece of advice is to start adapting quickly. Rather like a trip to the dentist, most of the pain comes from the transition, not the end point. The sooner you start and the faster you move, the sooner you will start to feel comfortable again …
… until the next change comes along.
Final tips
At times of change, we often don’t think very clearly about how to look after ourselves. At the back of this book is a quick list of 101 ways to reduce your stress. From time to time, dip into this list and try one out.
Dealing with personal loss or tragedy
Grieving is our natural response to a personal loss, and the closer the loved one was to us, the more intensely we will feel the pain of grief. This can often be exacerbated by circumstances. The loss of an elderly parent to natural causes, after a long and happy life, is part of the natural order, and very different from losing someone in their prime, or younger.
There are no fixed ways to grieve, and we all do it in our own way, mostly within a set of cultural norms. However, if you are dealing with a loss, or know someone who is, here are a few simple ways to help.
Don’t ignore the pain
The pain of loss will not go away faster if you ignore it, but you may find that getting on with other aspects of your life is the way that you can cope best. It is okay to ask for help and to cry, but it is also okay not to do these things.
Finding support can help
Practical support is important, and if you can find someone to take care of the small details of life that will help you stay healthy, this will free you up to focus on your loss and deal with it in your own way.
Expressing your feelings
Someone who will listen can be a big comfort to many of us, but you may not find talking about your loss comfortable. Instead, you may prefer to write your thoughts down. Sometimes a letter to the person you have lost can help and, sometimes, just writing a few words about them. One of the reasons many cultures include a description of the departed in their rites is because formulating it can help us to grieve.
Expressing your faith
If you have a faith, you may find that its rituals or your relationship with your god are a source of comfort that help you to cope. Prayer can be a good way of talking about your feelings without having to find a person to listen.
Therapeutic support
Counsellors, religious ministers and support groups are readily available in most communities and can be a big support. The only caution is to be aware how easy it is to become dependent upon them for your emotional strength. Those who are skilled will be aware of this too.
More than survival
Whatever the change, you will eventually come out the other side. So, how can you do more than just survive? How can you thrive? Here is a four-step process that will show you how.
Step 1: Analyse
Examine carefully what resources you have. Identify your skills and experience, personality and knowledge, friends and colleagues. These will help you. Focus on the things that are most important to you. Take an inventory of what you have that can help you survive, develop and thrive.
Step 2: Aim
Think about what you want. Here, it is important to be careful to avoid the trap of wanting what you feel you ought to want, or worse, what other people expect you to want. Instead, think about what you really want. Be true to yourself and ask the question: ‘What would I do if I knew I really could not fail?’
When you have this, it will be massively motivating, so use that energy to think about how you are going to achieve it. The two things to focus on are these:
- What are the important steps along the way?
Identify milestones, waypoints, achievements, and markers of progress. This is important because these are your opportunities for success. And when you achieve successes, you can celebrate them. And when you celebrate, you feel good about yourself, so you increase in confidence. This leads to better performance and more success. More success: more celebrations. And so on up and up. - What is the first step along the way?
This is important to get you started. Taking control of your change is a big thing. Taking one step is easy. And once you’ve taken one step, the second is easy … And so on. As the Chinese proverb says: ‘A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.’
Step 3: Antenna
Once you know what you want, you have to tune your mental antenna to spot opportunities to get it. This is a tiny part of your brain, called the reticular activating system, which could better be called your ‘serendipity organ’. Once you know what you are looking for, it is responsible for spotting things in your environment that conform to the pattern, and bringing them to your conscious attention.
It is like a hole in a toddler’s toy. You programme it to a particular shape you are looking for, it examines everything you see, and finds the right peg to fit in the hole. You really can get what you look for in life.
Step 4: Action
You’ll create no change without action, so get started as soon as you can. The most motivating feeling is when we know we have taken action and we can see the results. Taking action gives you a feeling of control; seeing the results will give you a feeling of succeeding.
Close the loop
Success comes from persistence, so close the loop. What you repeat becomes habit and it is your habits that determine the results you get in life. So, look at the outcome of your action and analyse your situation objectively. Review what you want and adjust your aim, retune your antenna to look for more opportunities, and take more action. Keep this up and you can have whatever success means to you.
This is more than just survival; this is thriving in times of change.
- Change is inevitable and our response to it is a natural consequence of how we have evolved.
- We cope best with change by understanding our natural responses and working with them.
- Choosing the right attitudes will help you cope, as will getting involved and becoming proactive, which will restore a sense of control over events.
- Use the four-step process of Analyse – Aim – Antenna – Action to turn change to your advantage.