However passionate you are about your vision, you’re likely to meet people who simply won’t see things your way. Before you get frustrated, stop and reflect: another perspective might reveal a great opportunity.

It’s undoubtedly true that we thrive on support and encouragement: too much criticism discourages the best of us. That said, there’s a difference between criticism and disagreement. The former can be hurtful, but the latter, in the right context, can help us to excel.

Finding the truth

Some of the best work in human history has come from active and ongoing disagreement. The key is an atmosphere in which nobody takes disagreement personally: you aren’t focused on who’s right, but on what’s right. By taking opposite positions and challenging each other to prove every point, you are working together to reach the right conclusion. This way, disagreement can be pure collaboration.

Business consultant Margaret Heffernan tells a story of constructive disagreement. In the 1950s, a dreadful problem faced British society—more and more children were being diagnosed with cancer. Scientist Alice Stewart collected extensive data and came to the conclusion that the cancer was caused by the children having been X-rayed in utero. Conventional medical thinking at the time was very resistant to this idea. Stewart, though, found her perfect collaborator in statistician George Kneale. His standpoint was: “My job is to prove Dr. Stewart wrong.” Because Kneale worked tirelessly to find weak points in Stewart’s theory, together they were able to prove just how strong it was—thus saving hundreds of lives.

Confirmation bias

An important psychological concept to remember here is “confirmation bias,” in which we test our ideas by looking for evidence that supports them and forget to look for evidence that might contradict them. While we can be even-handed weighing evidence about a neutral subject, when we’re emotionally invested in something, we’re liable to:

• Overvalue evidence that supports what we already believe and undervalue evidence to the contrary.
• Look only (or primarily) for evidence that supports our beliefs, rather than evidence that might refute it.
• See what we’re looking for, even finding patterns that aren’t actually there.

We all do this sometimes. If you can find partners to counterbalance you, and remind yourself to focus on what you can learn and improving your ideas, relationships, and work practices, then disagreement can help you succeed in ways you hadn’t thought of before.

Creating positive conflict

Disagreement doesn’t have to be antagonistic. When we’re invested in our ideas, it’s easy to take criticism personally—but it’s worth remembering that someone criticizing your idea isn’t criticizing you. When it happens again, reframe what was said, and ask yourself the following questions: